Never Be the Same

by M. A. Binfield

  Olivia could understand the impulse, even if she was finding it hard to imagine Casey angry like that. She seemed so controlled, so careful.

  “You have a criminal record?” Olivia couldn’t help but be shocked.

  “I don’t. They dropped the charges pretty quickly. But the arrest was enough to cause me trouble at work. They were obliged to investigate, and I couldn’t bear the shame so I resigned. And then I ran away. It’s ancient history now, all of it, but—” Casey stopped mid-sentence. “We should go. They’re waiting for us.”

  “They can wait. This is important.”

  “I just think there’s a chance she might say something, to make trouble for me, for us, somehow. I should be completely irrelevant to her. She got everything. The girl she wanted, our friends, the chance to make some dramatic content at my expense. Fuck, she even got London.”

  Olivia could see Casey fighting to keep her composure.

  “But I’m going to walk in there in ten minutes with you, Louise, and Liam and it’s going to drive her crazy. And I can’t help but think she’s destructive enough to still want to ruin things for me.”

  “She sounds like a monster.”

  “She’s just very insecure and driven and needs to be the center of attention.”

  “But otherwise a real sweetie, huh?”

  “I guess so.” Casey shrugged. “I’m sorry.”

  “And now I understand why you’ve been so on edge all evening.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Stop apologizing.”

  “It was part of why I wanted to skip it. I don’t need to be reminded of it all.”

  “But David is your friend. And this is his big night.” Olivia put her hands on Casey’s waist, pulling her a little closer. “So fuck Hannah and her toxic self-centeredness. We’re going to turn up loud and proud and you’re going to dance with me to Bruno Mars just like you promised.”

  Casey rolled her shoulders before taking in a breath. Olivia could tell she was trying to work the tension out of her body.

  “I feel like the dance was a promise exacted from me under torture.” Casey widened her eyes playfully, and Olivia understood she was trying to lighten the mood.

  “It was still a promise.”

  That afternoon, neither of them had napped. And with Olivia’s mouth on her, Casey had been so close to coming that Olivia knew she could have gotten her to agree to anything. The memory made her flush.

  Casey picked up the bottles she wanted. Olivia grabbed a couple of bottles of red without really choosing.

  “Next time, no secrets. Trust that I’m going to understand. I’ve been there, you know that.”

  The eyes that stared back at her were dark, beautiful, and still a little fearful.

  “Just promise me that you’ll stay away from her.”

  “Okay.” Olivia tucked one of the bottles under her arm and took hold of Casey’s hand. They walked side by side to the cashier.

  “I can’t believe Lou hasn’t come inside to chase us out. She’s not known for her patience.” Olivia said the words at the same time that Casey pointed toward the window at the front of the store.

  Louise had her back flat against the glass. In front of her, one hand in her hair and the other around her waist, was Liam. They were making out like teenagers. Under enough light to give everyone a pretty good view, not that anyone seemed to care.

  “I guess they found something to do while they were waiting for us,” Casey said.

  “Hallelujah.” Olivia couldn’t help but grin. “About time.”

  She put the bottles down in front of the cashier.

  “And if they’re going to be that discreet about it, you and I dancing to Bruno Mars won’t even register with the party people.”

  She was happy to see Casey smile. This was their last night—their last London night—and she wasn’t going to let some vindictive ex of Casey’s crash the mood. She’d coped with every shitty thing Kristin had done and said about her, and now that Casey had finally trusted her with the truth, she was going to help Casey do the same.

  * * *

  Casey didn’t want to leave Olivia’s side. It was partly because this was going to be their last night together for a while and partly because—even if it wasn’t—she didn’t feel at all inclined to share Olivia with anyone else. Their arrival caused the kind of commotion that Casey feared it would, but people soon settled down. In fact, her friends, David’s friends, all seemed perfectly unfazed by Casey turning up with Olivia Lang on her arm and with Louise Garland and Liam Morris in tow. Mercedes had squealed, but only a little bit. And now, people were drinking, dancing, laughing, and mostly ignoring them. And blissfully, there was absolutely no sign of Hannah and Zoey.

  “I think we should go back inside. We’re being very antisocial.”

  Casey nodded but silenced Olivia with another kiss. She wanted to pull Olivia into her lap, but the garden was well lit—thanks to David’s obsession with fairy lights—and they were not well hidden. She contented herself with pulling Olivia close and turning her body so that they could press themselves against each other. She deepened the kiss, and when Olivia parted her lips in a soft moan, Casey couldn’t stop herself from tasting her. Their tongues touched and Olivia brushed her hands across Casey’s breasts, and Casey felt herself heat with arousal once again. When they stopped kissing, they were both wide-eyed and breathless.

  “I think we’re being very sociable,” Casey said as she placed a kiss on Olivia’s forehead. “But I guess you mean with other people.” She shrugged. “You’re probably right, maybe it looks rude, impolite, whatever. And I don’t want that. You shouldn’t want that either. I’m sure it’s bad for your image to be hiding out with me in the garden for the whole party.”

  “I think somewhere on this trip—thanks to Billie—I decided I’m going to care a lot less about my image. Caring about it doesn’t make me happy, it makes me confused and worried and inauthentic. I think I need to do a lot more of what makes me happy and stop worrying about who’s watching. And you,” Olivia kissed her again, “are making me happy.” The kiss was a lot less chaste than Casey’s, and within a few seconds, they were lost in each other again. Olivia pulled away, a hand on Casey’s chest. “But while this bench is currently my favorite place in London, you came here to reconnect with friends you left behind, and I feel bad about monopolizing your attention.”

  “Don’t. I’d rather be out here with you. I can catch up with them after you’ve gone to Paris.”

  “But will you?”

  “I will. David has already promised to bring my mom to come and see me in Portland. And I agreed to have dinner with Mercy, and a couple of the other women I used to work with, next week. I even said Mercy could bring Naomi if she wanted to. I’m trying. Being here tonight was for David’s sake because he invited you all and it’s his big party, but it doesn’t mean everything has to be said and sorted while we’re here.”

  “Okay. But we should still stop hiding. If nothing else, we should go and see if Louise and Liam are behaving themselves.”

  Olivia was right. Casey didn’t want to hide. What she really wanted was for them to get out of there as quickly as possible. It was partly a desire to leave before Hannah showed up and partly a desire to get Olivia in a room with a bed. With a sinking feeling in her stomach, Casey realized that Hannah might even have arrived while they’d been outside.

  “Let’s go in, say good-bye to David, and slip away. We have two empty hotel rooms to choose from. We can leave Lou and Liam here as our dancing ambassadors. I’m pretty sure David will understand.”

  Olivia turned to her, a serious expression on her face.

  “I want nothing more than to go back to the hotel with you, but I figure that’s me being selfish. These are your friends, we’re supposed to be celebrating Pride together, and anyway, you promise
d me a dance.” Olivia touched the back of her hand to Casey’s cheek. “And if it’s Hannah you’re trying to avoid, don’t worry. She’s the one who behaved like a monster, not you. You don’t have to hide. Say a polite hello and then ignore her. She’ll hopefully get the message that you’ve moved on to better things.” Olivia squeezed her hand. “Now let’s spend some time with some of those cool friends of yours.”

  Casey felt the same small stab of guilt that had been bothering her since they left the supermarket. She hadn’t told Olivia everything. She had left out the part about uploading the videos that made Hannah so mad with her. She knew why. She was worried that Olivia wouldn’t understand. But she shouldn’t have kept it from her. And as soon as they got back to the hotel, Casey was going to tell her and explain why she’d done it. And she was going to trust that Olivia would understand why it was completely different from what Kristin had done to her.

  “Okay. I’ll do you a deal.” Casey got off the bench and offered her hand to Olivia. “Let’s go and say hello, have our dance, and then leave.”

  Olivia used the hand to pull Casey into an embrace. “Two dances, some more cheese. And then we leave.”

  “Deal.” They shook hands and then turned toward the house. “What are the chances that Louise and Liam are dirty dancing?”

  “Pretty strong. They even snogged on the doorstep while we were waiting for David to let us in.”

  “Say it again,” Casey asked Olivia with a smile.

  “Snogged. Snogging. Snog.”

  “I love it. It’s my favorite of your new British-isms. You speaking British is very sexy.”

  “I should bloody well hope so, mate.” Olivia winked. Her Cockney was coming along nicely. And it made Casey want to snog her.

  They entered via the veranda. The room was even more crowded now. Casey scanned the partygoers, looking for Louise and Liam, but also looking for Hannah and Zoey. They were nowhere to be seen. Casey felt a wave of relief.

  They threaded their way through the partygoers toward the dance floor set up by David at one end of his cavernous living room/dining area. In the corner, Louise was dancing with Mercy and David, while Liam was standing against the wall, beer in hand, chatting with Naomi.

  “Doesn’t look like anyone missed us much.” Olivia laughed.

  As they got closer, David spotted them and waved enthusiastically.

  “I was going to come look for you, but I figured you hadn’t gone out to the garden to look at the roses, and I didn’t want to be traumatized by the sight of you two making out under my new arbor.” He pointed a thumb at Louise. “These two have been bad enough. I had to tell the DJ no more slow dances until they agreed to stop with the tonsil tennis.” He laughed.

  “Here you are. Come on, I’ve been waiting for you.” Louise grabbed for Olivia’s hand. “Dance with me.” With her other hand, she pulled Casey into the circle. “You too.” Casey couldn’t help but laugh. Louise drunk was even more of a tour de force. “No more hiding in the garden. It’s Pride, take pride in your love.” She gyrated to what Casey thought might be Lady Gaga, not letting go of either of their hands.

  Casey was a slow-dancing-in-the-dark kind of dancer, but the wine she’d drunk, Olivia’s arm around her waist, and Hannah’s continued absence, conspired to make her feel more relaxed than she expected. After a few minutes, she was bumping hips with Mercy and Olivia, watching David and Louise attempt something that looked like it belonged on TikTok, and cringing as Mercy told them all the story of how Casey had broken her wrist by crashing into a speaker while drunk dancing at Naomi’s thirtieth birthday party.

  “This is fun.” Olivia leaned in and said the words into her ear. “I’m glad we came.” Casey let herself place a soft kiss on Olivia’s lips. She was having fun. And she was happy to be there, with David and Mercy and with the new friends she had unexpectedly made while driving a bunch of pretty amazing and unexpectedly down-to-earth TV stars around London. And of course, it was fun because she was with Olivia, the woman she’d ended up falling in love with.

  When the music slowed, Casey pulled Olivia to her, not caring that they were in company. She let herself enjoy the feeling of having Olivia in her arms, their bodies pressed gently together, swaying in time to the rhythm of the song.

  “I’m glad to have found you,” Casey murmured into Olivia’s ear and was rewarded with the feel of Olivia’s hand in the small of her back, pushing them together even closer.

  Across the room, in the entrance to the hallway, she became aware of a commotion as people arrived and were warmly greeted by those nearer to the doorway. Casey tensed—waiting, expecting—and Olivia pulled away to look at her quizzically. She gestured toward the door with an incline of her head at just the moment Hannah and Zoey entered, carrying several rainbow-covered bags in each hand.

  “Goodies from the sponsors of our Pride video. Help yourselves. And happy Pride.” Hannah addressed the room loudly, confidently. Her voice sounded just as Casey remembered it. “Sorry we’re so late, but it was totally worth it. We got to interview some amazing people. The video is going to be lit.”

  Hannah assumed that the whole room would be interested. Of course she did. And maybe they were, maybe it was just Casey who didn’t give a fuck about that sort of thing. Zoey handed Hannah a glass of white wine, and Hannah gave her a peck on the cheek before turning her attention to the group of women in front of her.

  “I guess that’s her,” Olivia said quietly.

  Casey just nodded. Her mood crashed through the floor.

  “That was quite an entrance. I especially like the implication that she left all the amazing people behind to grace us with her presence. I mean, we should be grateful, right?” Olivia slid an arm around Casey’s waist and squeezed it.

  Casey watched as Hannah scanned the room and saw the surprise that she tried and failed to hide as she caught sight of Casey standing arm in arm with Olivia Lang. Casey couldn’t believe no one told Hannah about Olivia. She assumed Naomi—who had seen Casey with Olivia at the parade—or even David would have passed on the gossip. Not that they were lovers, but that Casey was bringing them to the party, the very kind of “amazing” people—famous, rich, influential—that Hannah loved. Perhaps she’d have graced the party with her presence a little sooner had she known.

  Looking at her, Casey felt a mixture of shame and anxiety. For once, it wasn’t the shame of having been cheated on, it was the shame that she had ever thought that Hannah—with her obsessive desire for fame—was what she needed or wanted in life. The anxiety was easier to understand. And it was linked to the idea of Hannah and Olivia meeting. It was hard to imagine that Hannah would see Olivia or Louise or Liam and not try to make a connection. And Casey’s primary instinct was to take Olivia far away from everything Hannah might say or do.

  Across the room, Hannah lifted a hand in her direction. Casey nodded before turning away, turning back to Olivia—an Olivia who was looking at her with concern in her eyes. She didn’t want to see it there. She didn’t want Olivia’s pity.

  “It’s okay,” Olivia said as she reached down to take Casey’s hand.

  “I know it is.” Casey tried for a smile. “I was ready to leave anyway. Maybe we can finish this dance and leave.”

  “Of course. I just need a few minutes to speak to Kate again.”

  Casey frowned.

  “She’s a theater director. We spoke earlier. I promised I’d give her some of my contacts in New York. A tiny bit of shop talk. We can go after that. Trust me, my only desire right now is a room, a bed, and you.” Olivia tilted her head to kiss Casey, but Casey felt awkward now. Like the PDA was something that Hannah would take as a provocation. “Hey, come on.” Olivia chided her. “You don’t have any reason to hide, or any reason not to kiss me.”

  “I know, I’m sorry.” Casey gave in to the kiss, and it restored her. “Go do your networking. I’ll wa
it in the kitchen—with the cheese.”

  “Five minutes. I’m popping to the loo as well to have a wee.” Olivia exaggerated the Britishness of the statement, kissing Casey’s cheek with a smile before leaving her side. And Casey felt her heart swell. For a second, she imagined them living happily together in London. Close to her mom, to her friends, in the city she loved. She shook the thought away. It was a pipe dream.

  In the kitchen, Casey sat at the breakfast bar and pulled one of the delicious cheese platters closer to her. She challenged herself to see how many kinds she could try in the five minutes she had. She piled some crackers onto the plate in front of her and set to work.

  “You never could resist cheese.”

  Casey willed herself to just keep eating, to ignore her. She had nothing to say to Hannah. And nothing good was going to come of them reconnecting. But whatever else was wrong with her childhood, she had been raised to be polite.

  “Hello.” Casey pushed the plate away before finally turning on the stool to look at Hannah. “You look well.” She managed a smile, but inside her instincts were screaming at her to get up, find Olivia, and leave.

  Hannah walked slowly around the counter and climbed onto the stool opposite her. She took a small plate and cut herself a slice of Stilton. They sat in silence as Hannah loaded the cheese onto a cracker, took a small bite, and made a satisfied noise. Casey had no choice but to wait and Hannah knew it.

  “I just came to say hi, so things weren’t awkward for you.” Hannah’s gaze was open, neutral. “But it seems I don’t have to worry about that. You’ve surprised me. I mean, it’s a little on the obvious side, but it’s quite a statement. Turning up with half the cast of The West Side. It’s a great way of proving to everyone that moving to the States has been good for you. Even if it does upstage David a bit.” Hannah paused, but Casey could tell she hadn’t finished. “And I guess from that display out there, you especially want us all to know that your bit-of-London-rough shtick still has enough appeal to get someone like Susie to fall for your charms. I guess I should say well played.”