The Pregnancy Bond

by Lucy Gordon

  Then he turned his head, and Kelly drew in her breath. It was Jake, yet not Jake. Suddenly she remembered the last time she’d seen his face on a pillow, gazing up at her naked body, his eyes alight with appreciation, devilment and shock. Now he had the dreary greyish pallor of someone who’d come too close to death. His cheeks were sunk, his eyes lifeless, and he looked as if he was on the edge of despair.

  How could a man change so much in a short time? she thought wildly. Let him get well! She would give anything if only he could be himself again.

  She waited for the smile of recognition, but the sight of her produced no gleam, and for a dreadful moment she was afraid his mind had been affected. But then he said very quietly, ‘Is it you?’

  She hurried forward to the side of the bed, leaning over him. ‘Yes, it’s me. Jake, do you know me?’

  At that he gave a faint smile. ‘Don’t worry. It was my stomach they caught, not my head. I’m no crazier now than I always was. It’s good to see you, Kelly. I was sure you’d come.’

  The simple statement shocked her. She should have been here long ago.

  She pulled up a chair and sat beside the bed, taking his hand in hers, horrified at how thin it felt.

  ‘I’d have been here sooner but you’re a hard man to reach these days. I only got this far because the receptionist downstairs saw us together on TV. Will Olympia walk in on us, trailing photographers?’

  He gave a slight grin. ‘You read that piece? Hilarious, wasn’t it? I don’t blame her for grabbing a little publicity. She’s on her way to the top.’

  And Jake admired people who did that, she remembered. ‘High-octane lives’, he’d called them, summing up a world of glamour, excitement and above all, achievement. Kelly knew that she could never be called high-octane. She doubted that she was even two-star.

  ‘She won’t be here today,’ Jake went on. ‘She’s away on a management course.’

  Obviously producing wasn’t going to be good enough for Olympia Statton. She was aiming for executive status, head of a news-gathering empire, with Jake Lindley as her anchor man.

  ‘I expect you’re dying to get back to work,’ she said.

  ‘Why do you say that?’

  ‘You were always the world’s worst patient, getting out of bed long before you should.’

  ‘They encourage me to get out of bed for a while each day. The problem is walking. They got me one of those supports old people use. I said “No way, I can walk by myself.” But when I tried I wobbled and had to be saved by a nurse who was half my size. And Dr Ainsley, who’s a great surgeon but has the bedside manner of a piranha said, “I told you so. Now stop acting the giddy fool!” So I did.’

  ‘You don’t mean you’ve found someone who can talk some sense into you?’ she said with a tender smile.

  ‘Didn’t have any choice. My legs were giving way under me. It cured me of rushing things.’

  The despondency in his voice made her ask sympathetically, ‘Feeling out of it?’

  ‘A bit. Olympia calls me on the phone, just to keep me in touch with what’s going on-’

  ‘Jake, you don’t have to explain to me,’ she said hurriedly. ‘Your private life is your own.’

  ‘Yeah, sure,’ he said after a moment, and withdrew his hand from hers, leaving her with the sad sensation of having snubbed a man who couldn’t take it. And again the thought ran through her head. This is Jake?

  ‘You’re not short of well-wishers,’ she said, indicating the cards.

  ‘No, the guys at the studio send me rude cards almost every day. Trouble is, some of them are really funny and I’m not allowed to laugh. And I get cards from the public. I try to write back but-’ He shrugged.

  She noticed the pile of unopened mail by his bed. One letter lay half in and half out of the envelope, as though he’d starting opening it and lost interest.

  He made a sudden resolute movement, pushing back the bedclothes. ‘Let’s get out of here. I’ll buy you some tea and cakes in the café.’

  ‘Are you supposed to do that?’

  ‘Sure. Gentle exercise-whatever that means-is good for me. I’ve been up already today, but I got tired and went back to bed.’

  Her unease increased. How often had they argued because he’d refused to admit he was ill? She would have enjoyed nursing him, but her attempts had irked him! ‘Molly-coddling’, he’d called it. Now he sat, wryly acquiescent, as she helped him on with his dressing gown, and actually asked her to fit his slippers on his feet, as leaning down was difficult for him.

  She looked around for his walker, but could see only a wheelchair. ‘This?’

  ‘Stuff that!’ he said, showing a flash of the old Jake. ‘I can walk now.’

  He slipped his arm through hers and they set off. How thin he was! He’d never carried any spare flesh, but now she could feel the bones of his arm against her. Not just thin, she thought with horror. Frail.

  He talked cheerfully about Dr Ainsley, making him sound all kinds of a dragon. But despite his brave air she could feel him flagging. The café was some distance away, and he was obviously glad when they reached it and he could sit down while she went to the self-service counter.

  ‘What are you allowed to eat?’ she asked.

  ‘Not much. For a long time I was fed through tubes. Now I’m allowed baby food, mostly liquid. You could get me a banana milk shake now, and maybe a strawberry one later.’

  ‘Just banana and strawberry milk shake?’ she echoed, aghast, remembering his cavalier way with a whisky and soda.

  ‘No, I’m allowed chocolate milk shake as well, and even ice cream if I’m feeling adventurous. Life is full of variety around here.’ He grinned, looking more like his normal self.

  When Kelly returned from the counter Jake was flirting with a pretty waitress. The sight cheered her up.

  She had a milk shake too, to keep him company, and as they sat sipping through straws he said wryly, ‘We look like a couple of high-school kids.’

  ‘If you go back a while. High-school kids don’t drink milk shakes any more.’

  ‘True. But we did, once. You were seventeen, but you looked younger, so it had to be a milk bar.’

  ‘Oh, yes,’ she breathed as it came back to her. ‘I’d taken an exam and you were waiting outside the school gates.’ She chuckled suddenly.

  ‘What?’

  ‘You asked how the exam had gone. You were only being polite, but I was on such a high that I bent your ear for half an hour about how brilliantly I’d done. Then I looked at you suddenly and you were glassy-eyed with boredom.’

  ‘Not boredom. I admit I was barely listening, but I was thinking how pretty you were.’

  ‘And I thought how grown-up you were, until you made a gurgling noise with your straw,’ she remembered.

  ‘Like this?’

  He’d reached the end of the glass and he noisily sucked up the last bubbles through the straw. She immediately did the same, and he grinned. Then something caught his attention over her shoulder. Kelly turned to see a tall man standing in the door, scanning the room until he saw Jake. The next moment he was making his way towards them.

  ‘I looked into your room and you weren’t there,’ he said. ‘I hoped I’d find you here.’

  ‘Kelly, this is Dr Ainsley,’ Jake said, and she reached up to shake hands.

  She was trying to equate this pleasant-faced man in his forties with the dragon of Jake’s description. Dr Ainsley had a stubborn chin but genial eyes.

  ‘I’ve heard all about you,’ he said cheerfully, engulfing her hand. ‘Anna, on Reception, spread it through the building as soon as you’d left the front desk.’

  ‘Ah,’ she said, non-committally, wishing she knew exactly what Anna had said.

  ‘Let me get you a coffee,’ Jake offered.

  ‘I’ll get it,’ Kelly said at once, but Dr Ainsley laid his hand on her arm.

  ‘Let him,’ he said. ‘It’ll do him good to move about.’

  When Jake was out
of earshot the doctor said quickly, ‘I wanted to talk to you alone.’

  ‘How is he, really?’

  ‘He’s recovering, but not as fast as he should. It’s as though he can’t rouse himself to make the effort.’

  ‘But he’s always been so strong and confident, so-so macho.’

  ‘They can be the worst. The more a man is used to being in control, the harder it hits him when he’s in a situation he can’t control. Psychologically he’s in deep shock at discovering that he can’t just make this go away by will-power.’

  ‘He told me how he tried to walk alone too soon.’

  ‘That was the turning point. Until then he’d managed to convince himself that he could get well to his own timetable. When he discovered that he was wrong it hit him very hard. He’s going to need careful looking after.’

  The significant way he was regarding her made Kelly say hastily, ‘Dr Ainsley, I’m not married to Jake any more.’

  His face fell. ‘But I thought-I must have got it wrong.’

  ‘We were divorced a few weeks ago. If we were still married, do you think I’d have waited this long to come?’

  ‘Of course not. I’m sorry.’

  ‘Jake’s in my past.’

  ‘But you’re here.’

  ‘Caring for him is a habit that’s hard to break. Just not in that way.’

  ‘I gather he doesn’t have any other family.’

  Kelly shook her head. ‘No brothers or sisters, and his parents are dead. And since neither of them had siblings either, he’s got nobody.’

  ‘Except you.’

  ‘And Olympia Statton.’

  ‘Ah yes! Glamorous blonde, all furs, teeth and la-di-dah?’

  Kelly choked with delight at this put-down of Olympia. ‘That’s her.’

  ‘She’s been in once or twice, carefully timed for when the cameras were there. Then she complains about “press intrusion”. She’s not exactly chaining herself to his bed. Anyway, what Jake needs now isn’t a lover, it’s a mother or a sister.’

  ‘All right, I’ll come in as often as I can.’

  Jake had returned with the coffee. He looked drawn, as though the short trip had been too much for him.

  ‘You shouldn’t have done it after walking here,’ Kelly said, concerned.

  ‘I’m all right,’ he said irritably, then quickly, ‘Sorry, sorry. Didn’t mean to snap.’

  It was almost as though he needed to placate her, she thought, shocked. During their marriage he’d often apologised for some piece of thoughtlessness, but never as though he was actually afraid to offend her. But before she could reassure him he made a sound of annoyance with himself.

  ‘I forgot the spoon.’

  ‘I’ll get it,’ Kelly said, rising and putting a restraining hand on his shoulder.

  ‘I’m perfectly capable-’

  ‘No, you’re not, so shut up!’ she told him firmly.

  He didn’t argue further, and there was a touch of gratitude in his grin.

  She fetched the spoon and returned to the table, but just as she was sitting down everything seemed to retreat from her. She reached out quickly and just managed to sit down before she fell.

  ‘What is it?’ Jake asked anxiously.

  ‘Nothing, I-’ Kelly covered her eyes because the room was swimming.

  ‘Don’t say nothing. I thought you were going to faint.’

  ‘Well, I’m not,’ she said, pulling herself together. ‘I’m just a bit tired these days.’

  ‘Well, if you will insist on working in a café as well as going to college-’

  ‘Yes, I expect it’s that,’ she said, trying to sound cheerful through the waves of nausea.

  Jake studied her face, concerned. ‘I don’t like it. You’re a funny colour, isn’t she, doc?’

  ‘Not really,’ Dr Ainsley said with a shrug. ‘It’s the strip lighting. It makes everyone look pretty ghastly.’

  Which was remarkably unperceptive of him, Kelly thought, because she felt terrible.

  ‘I’ll be back in a moment,’ she said hurriedly, and made a dash for it.

  There was a ladies’ room nearby, but by the time she reached it the nausea was already passing. She found a chair and leaned miserably back against the wall, until she felt well enough to move. When she went out the two men were waiting for her.

  ‘Are you all right?’ Jake asked.

  ‘She’s fine,’ Dr Ainsley said. ‘Look, her colour’s better already. It’s you I’m worried about. Let’s get you back to bed.’

  He commandeered a wheelchair and came back to the ward with them. There he said briefly to Kelly, ‘Not more than five minutes,’ and departed.

  ‘Give that job up,’ Jake said, as he climbed carefully into bed. ‘I know what you said before, but we’re not enemies, are we?’

  ‘Would I be here today if we were?’

  ‘Then let me help you, even if it’s just a loan-’

  ‘I’ll come in tomorrow and we’ll talk about it then,’ she said. Just now she felt she had to get away to think.

  ‘Tomorrow, then,’ he agreed. He suddenly tightened his hand on hers. ‘You will come, won’t you?’

  ‘Promise.’

  After a moment’s hesitation she kissed his cheek and hurried away.

  In the corridor outside, Dr Ainsley was waiting for her.

  ‘I think we should talk,’ he said.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  ‘Y OU’RE wrong,’ Kelly said with a touch of defiance. ‘I’m not pregnant.’

  They were sitting in Dr Ainsley’s consulting room. He’d steered her straight there, brooking no refusal, and pressed a cup of hot, strong tea on her. When she was feeling better he’d dropped his bombshell.

  ‘Just because I had a little giddy spell…’ she said, almost annoyed with him.

  ‘I admit I’m not certain,’ he agreed. ‘But I’m a doctor. You develop an instinct. My instinct says you’re pregnant.’

  ‘But I can’t be.’

  ‘Do you mean that literally? There hasn’t been anyone-?’ He paused delicately. ‘It would be understandable if you’d celebrated your new freedom-’

  ‘I did that, all right,’ she groaned. ‘I celebrated my new freedom with my old husband. But you don’t understand. I was pregnant before, years ago, and miscarried. Ever since then I’ve tried hard to start another child, but no luck. I simply don’t believe that it happened the one time I wasn’t thinking about it.’

  ‘But that’s why it happened. Doctors see it all the time with couples who’ve been childless for years, then they adopt and within six months the wife conceives. Having the adopted baby to love makes her relax, and when she stops being tense about it-’ he spread his hands in an expressive gesture ‘-it happens.’

  ‘But you’re only guessing,’ Kelly said with more firmness than she felt.

  He took something from a cupboard. ‘Here’s a testing kit. Why don’t we talk again in a few minutes? There’s a bathroom through there.’

  She clung to her belief in a mistake until the last moment, and then it felt as though she’d always really known.

  ‘I guess I should have trusted your instinct,’ she agreed, emerging and showing him the test strip. ‘Oh, this can’t be happening! Jake and I are finished.’

  ‘You don’t think he’d be pleased?’

  ‘He mustn’t know. He’s moved on. So have I.’

  ‘Have you?’ Dr Ainsley asked with raised eyebrows.

  ‘Yes. Even if I manage not to miscarry-oh, it’s complicated. Promise me you won’t tell him.’

  ‘Of course, but don’t forget he saw what happened just now. He may get suspicious.’

  ‘I don’t think so. Jake’s terribly good with facts but he doesn’t notice much about people.’

  At home that evening she tried to concentrate on archaeology, but soon gave up. How could she think about ancient constructions when the entire construction of her own life was being turned upside down?

  A baby, when
she’d abandoned all hope long ago! Jake’s baby, when it was too late for it to save their marriage! Bitter, bitter irony!

  She’d told Dr Ainsley that she couldn’t be pregnant, and suddenly she could see herself at eighteen, saying exactly the same thing to an exasperated Mildred.

  ‘Of course you could,’ her mother had replied. ‘That’s what I said, and I was wrong. I was only sixteen when it happened to me. You held out until eighteen. Well done, girl. You’re a credit to the family.’

  ‘Mum!’ she’d protested.

  ‘You’ve got to face facts. I suppose it’s Jake’s?’

  ‘Of course it’s Jake’s. I love him.’

  ‘Let’s hope you have more luck with him than I had with your father. Once he knew you were on the way I never saw him again.’

  But Jake had been different. To Kelly’s incredulous delight he’d been overjoyed about the baby.

  ‘How fast can we get married?’ had been his first question.

  ‘Wait-wait-’ she said, half-crying, half-laughing with joy.

  ‘Of course we can’t wait. Let’s set the date now.’

  ‘But you haven’t asked me to marry you,’ she pointed out.

  ‘I’ll ask you later. Let’s get going.’

  And before she knew it she was a bride, dressed in a neat blue dress that would be useful later. They married so quickly that her waist hadn’t even started to thicken.

  Mildred was laconic and practical.

  ‘You’re a fool, girl. You got top marks in those exam results, and you could have done anything. Well, you’ve blown it and that’s that. I’d saved a bit of money to help you through college, but you’ll need it now.’

  The cheque was generous, but Kelly didn’t read too much into it. Mildred was clearing her conscience, and it was no surprise when, a week after the wedding, she took off with a lorry driver and passed out of her daughter’s life.

  She was too happy with Jake to care. Their first married home was two rented rooms, in which he wrote freelance pieces and she struggled against sickness. She became grumpy, but Jake could always laugh her out of her ‘down’ moods, and nothing could spoil her joy. She was carrying Jake’s child, totally in love, and passionately grateful to him for wanting her and their baby, even if she did suspect that it was the baby that was the main attraction.