by Terry Bisson
From: [email protected]
Subject: PIRATE WEEK
Date: August 2, 2007 4:17 PM ADT
To: [email protected]
The Pirates are still Plundering and Pillaging. They make
us stay in the Game Room a lot, which is BO RING but I get to help sometimes. Estelle too. She is fun for a girl. All the other kids are cry babies. Mean while I hope a storm doesn’t come because the Pirates are not very good at sailing the ship. Its zigging and zagging but Ali doesn’t care. He is captain now. I just wish it had sails. Unc is still locked in the Casino with the other old men. They are all crying for mercy and stuff. I have a new friend named Claude. He gave me his Johnny Depp mask. He was in the French Foreign Legion but he’s German. As dad would say, Go Figure! Love—
From: [email protected]
Subject: PIRATE LORE
Date: August 3, 2007 10:11 AM ADT
To: [email protected]
Yo Bug
Guess what I have a Gameboy! This one boy, Vernon wouldnt stop crying so the Pirates put a plastic bag over his head. Pirates dont like cry babys. I don’t blame them, who does? He was looking at me like crazy when he aspired and I just said Game Over and they all laughed even though they dont know English. Maybe they know a little. They gave me his GameBoy! But the batteries are all ready dead, just my luck. Estelle says HLO. She wants to meat you when this is over. I told her all about you, not everything tho! She tried to kiss me again. She likes Pirate stuff to. She thinks she is so cute in her bathing suit.:)
From: [email protected]
Subject: PIRATE LORE
Date: August 3, 2007 2:24 PM ADT
To: [email protected]
Hi Mom
Remember last Christmas when dad said somebody should put Aunt Bea out of her misery, and you all laughed because I thought he said mystery? Well anyway the pirates did. I went down to the cabin to get some batteries for my GameBoy and she was all cut up in peaces. They found her hiding place. Most of her fingers were gone but one. They left one ring and I saved it for you as a souvenir of Pirate Week. I have a GameBoy now.
From: [email protected]
Subject: BATTLE ALERT
Date: August 4, 2007 6:29 PM ADT
To: [email protected]
Yo Bug
Today was the best! 3 helcopters came and buzzed around while the Pirates waved their guns at them. 2 were from TV and the other was Navy with duble rotors. There was a battle with machine guns and every thing. One of the Pirates was cut in 2 like a saw. Then one of the Pirates had a rocket thing and shot down the Navy helcopter. It spun around just like in Black Hawn Down, burning and everything! As soon as it hit the water, they started swimming out and the Pirates shot them in the water. That was fun. Claude even let me use his gun. It kicks so bad I fell backward and the Pirates all laughed. Im getting used to there cruel humor. Claude helped me up and showed me how to brace the gun against a railing. He’s pretty nice for a Pirate. He has all gold teeth, completely. I only hit one pilot for sure. He was the last one and the Pirates left him for me. He was in a life jacket so he floated even after I shot his arms both off. Then the sharks came. It was getting dark so we went inside. Estelle wanted to shoot but they wouldn’t let her. Claude shook my hand and gave me a cigarette. I only pretended to enhale. I don’t want to get hooked. Unc says it only takes one.
From: [email protected]
Subject: PIRATE WEEK
Date: August 5, 2007 3:11 PM ADT
To: [email protected]
Hi Mom
I saw 2 helcopters this morning! One of them was Navy and one was TV. I think they are planning a Rescue. They flew around the ship a while. The pirates shot at them but they didnt shoot back because of the hostages in the deck chairs. Most of them are dead but the helcopters cant tell! The Pirates are very clever. Plus, they shot down one helicopter. It spun down just like in the movie and then the pilots swam out and then the Pirates shot them in the water, and then the sharks came. Then the Pirates shot at the sharks to! I think that was mean since sharks are undangered. They are harder to kill then people tho. I hope the helcopters come back but then Pirate Week will be over. I miss you and Dad.
From: [email protected]
Subject: PIRATE LORE
Date: August 5, 2007 6:43 PM ADT
To: [email protected]
Yo Bug
These Pirates are not very good at sailing. The ship is going in circles. I can tell by looking at the wake, thats the bubbles out behind. Were going to slow to get dizzy tho. The sharks are in the bubbles eating the dead bodies which float. Its like a picnic for them. They would probably get dizzy if they were not fish. Its pink like a rainbow in spots. Estelle from Joeburg says HLO. One of them is her step father she thinks. Look for us on TV! More later
From: [email protected]
Subject: PIRATE LORE
Date: August 6, 2007 1:34 PM ADT
To: [email protected]
Hi Mom
Unc was on TV! The helicopters buzzed around this morning while the Pirates threw some of the men overboard. There putting on quite a show! First they tie them together back to back, so they cant swim. I wish they would make them walk the plank but there is no plank. Anyway Unc was in the first batch. Hes so fat that he floated on top and the other guy drowned first. Then the sharks hit from both sides at once and that was cool, like Sea World. I can still see his crazy shirt that you gave him. Maybe a shark is wearing it! He and Aunt Bea will sure have some crazy stories to tell when Pirate Week is over!
From: [email protected]
Subject: PIRATE LORE
Date: August 7, 2007 2:41 PM ADT
To: [email protected]
Yo Bug
Guess what I am the only kid left. Estelle and I were watching the sharks and she is always trying to hold my hand. I pushed her away and then Claude pulled down her bathing suit to show her tittys, and the Pirates all laughed because they were so small. I felt sorry for her but then she started to cry and she knew that would make them mad. Ali asked me if she was my girl friend and I said No Way. I guess Yes was the right answer but I wasnt thinking fast. Claude started up the chainsaw and cut her hand off and threw it overboard. They made her watch the sharks eat it. Then they let her go but she died anyway. She didn’t say anything first. That was kind of sad and Im all alone now in the Game Room. Some Game Room! I hope she wont be mad at me when Pirate Week is over. She has a temper tho. You will see when you meat her!
From: [email protected]
Subject: PIRATE LORE
Date: August 7, 2007 5:15 PM ADT
To: [email protected]
Yo Mom
I have the Game Room all to my self. All the other kids are dead, even Estelle. They are in a pile in the corner. It doesn’t smell so good any more. This Gameboy is cool tho, I hope I get to keep it when Pirate Week is over. The batteries are mine anyway. They are from Aunt Beas hair do thing. Well good night from your loving son —
From: [email protected]
Subject: PIRATE LORE
Date: August 8, 2007 10:19 AM ADT
To: [email protected]
Hi mom
Good news! I have been rescued. It was scary at first but only for awhile. I fell asleep at the computer last night and when I woke up all the Pirates were gone. It was awful quiet and when I ran out there were just a few dead people left on the decks. It was kind of sad after all the Plundering and Pillaging, like at the movie when the show is over and everybody stands up. The ship was leaning pretty bad and it was hard to walk, but I held on to the rail. There were still a lot of fingers and stuff. Pirates never clean up! The front of the ship was burning and the smoke smelled like hair, so I went to the back to wait, called the stern. Sure enough, the helcopters came back, and a boat too. The sailers wore sailer suits and they told me I was a hero. Two of them wore wet suits. My picture will be in the paper I bet. Im writing this from the computer room in the Navy ship
. There going to bring me home on a Navy helcopter!
From: [email protected]
Subject: PIRATE LORE
Date: August 8, 2007 6:09 PM ADT
To: [email protected]
Yo Bug
Im writing this from the computer room in the Navy ship. Its like the Game Room only better. You wouldnt believe the stuff they have! The Navy guys are nice but I like the Pirates better. The greaf countsler took my necklace away but it was turning black anyway. She let me keep my Pirate hat. I didnt show her Curtises nose in my pocket. She has been trying to make me cry. No luck so far!
From: [email protected]
Subject: PIRATE WEEK
Date: August 9, 2007 10:31 AM ADT
To: [email protected]
I will see you at the Capetown airport tomorrow. Tell dad to come to. My greaf countsler says I am a survivor. Thats like a hero. Well all be on TV so tell dad to come to. Ill wear my Pirate hat and the Johnny Depp mask that Claude gave me. Tell Unc and Aunt Bea thanks if you see them before I do. Im sorry they didnt have fun. I could tell they didnt. Wait till you see my Gameboy. Your loving son —
“Captain Jack Sparrow” (Yo ho ho)
The Stamp
Everybody collects something, even if it’s only stamps.
Or dreams.
Orville collected stamps. His big brother, Wilbur, collected dreams.
That made it hard to know what to get Wilbur for his birthday. He would be twelve soon.
Then Orville saw the magazine. WONDER TALES for BOYS. The perfect thing for a dreamer!
“Happy Birthday,” he said.
Wilbur loved it. It was filled with stories about submarines and flying machines. He hoped he could get his little brother, Orville, something half so nice. He would be eight in a few months.
Wilbur looked through the little ads in the back of the magazine. They were for novelties of all kinds: invisible ink, handshake buzzers, secret signal whistles.
Then he saw the ad for STAMPS FROM THE FUTURE.
“Perfect,” he said to himself. He ordered them for Orville’s birthday—which was in the future, after all!
They came just in time. “Happy birthday,” Wilbur said.
Orville tried to hide his disappointment. He only liked real stamps, and these were just gag fakes. Plus there were only four of them.
One stamp showed a man called Elvis. He was pouting like a girl.
Another showed a Negro with a baseball bat. Nobody ever put Negroes on stamps.
Another was of a woman without a crown. Real stamps only showed women when they were queens.
Another showed …
“Hey, this is neat!” said Orville. Suddenly he was excited. “How did you do this?”
“Do what?” asked Wilbur.
Orville handed him the stamp. It showed two grown men in stiff collars with a box kite behind them.
The two men looked familiar.
Underneath them, it said: The Wright Brothers.
“This,” said Orville.
“I didn’t do it,” said Wilbur. “I just sent for STAMPS FROM THE FUTURE. It was a novelty ad. I didn’t tell them what to send.”
“Maybe they’re really from the future,” said Orville. His voice sounded spooky.
“That’s impossible,” said Wilbur.
Orville shrugged. “You always told me that nothing was impossible,” he said. “Maybe you and I are famous in the future.”
“Don’t be silly,” said Wilbur. “For what?”
Then Wilbur looked at the stamp more closely.
There was a man lying flat on the box kite behind the grown-up Wilbur and Oliver. He was flying through the air.
Maybe I was right, thought Wilbur. Maybe nothing is impossible, after all.
“I can’t wait to show this to my friends,” said Orville.
“Not yet,” said Wilbur. “Put it away for a few years. You and I have work to do.”
Catch ’Em in the Act
Lou was almost thirty. He had a job and an apartment, but he was lonely. He didn’t have any friends. He didn’t know why; he just didn’t.
So he did what everyone who is lonely does: YouTube and eBay. One day it was eBay.
“Say, look at this!” he murmured. Lou often murmured to himself.
CRIMESTOPPERS™ VIDEO CAMERA
Catch ‘em in the Act!
BUY IT NOW: 19.95
Brand New in Box.
Batteries Included.
One to a Customer
Shipping, 4.99
That didn’t seem like all that much. The shipping wasn’t bad either. That’s usually where they get you. So Lou did what every lonely person with PayPal does. He clicked on BUY.
Four days later, it came. It was about the size of a cell phone, with a little viewscreen that folded out to one side.
It only had two buttons: SHOOT and PLAY. Not a lot of features. But the price was right.
Lou pointed it at his cat and looked in the viewscreen.
There was the cat. The picture in the viewscreen was black and white, with a little Date&Time display at the top. It was even grainy, like a real surveillance video.
Cool! Lou pressed SHOOT.
The cat took a crap in the corner, and then left the room, looking like a criminal. But cats always look like criminals.
Lou pressed PLAY. There it was again in the viewscreen: the cat, the crap, the corner, in grainy black and white, with Date&Time at the top: 04/18/2008/8:44 p.m.
The cat slunk off and the screen went blank.
Lou hit PLAY and watched it again.
“Cool,” he murmured.
It was time to try it out in the real world. There was a Seven-Eleven only blocks away.
It was empty. Lou went in and wandered to the back of the store. He looked through the viewscreen and scanned the scene, from the beer case in the back to the Pakistani clerk reading a magazine behind the counter. He looked pretty bored.
Lou hit SHOOT. The Pakistani clerk looked up from his magazine toward the cash register. He hit NO SALE and took a bill out the cash register and stuck it in his shirt pocket.04/18/2008/8:58 p.m.
Lou hit PLAY and watched him do it again. It was a five.
Cool, thought Lou. He looked around the store through the viewscreen. In grainy black and white, with the Date&Time display, it looked like a crime scene. But Seven-Elevens all look like crime scenes. What it needed was more people.
A black guy came in for Salems and a lottery ticket. Lou got him in the viewscreen and was just about to press SHOOT when the black guy turned and looked straight at him.
“Hey, asshole!” he said. “What the fuck are you doing?”
“Nothing,” said Lou. “Making a call.” He pretended to be punching in a number.
“Somebody ought to kick your ass,” said the black guy. He paid and left. The clerk went back to his magazine. It was People. Lou pretended to be looking for something in the candy aisle.
A fat white kid came in. Lou knew him. It was the kid from upstairs over Lou’s apartment. He was about twelve. He lived with his mother. Lou wasn’t afraid of him.
Through the viewscreen, in black and white, with the Date&Time display, the kid looked like a perp. He went straight to the candy aisle and picked out a Snickers.
Lou pressed SHOOT and watched the kid approach the counter. Instead of paying for the candy bar he stuck it into his jacket pocket. Then he jammed it forward like a gun. 04/18/2008/9:04 p.m.
“Open the fuckin’ register,” he said. “Give me the bills. Keep the change. Keep your hands in sight or I’ll blow you away.”
“OK, OK!”
The Pakistani clerk opened the cash register and took out a wad of bills. He handed it to the kid, who backed out the door, still with his hand jammed in his pocket. 04/18/2008/9:05 p.m.
Then he ran.
“Did you see that?” asked the clerk. Lou shrugged and said, “Not really.” He didn’t want to get involved.
He backed out
the door and left the Pakistani clerk calling the cops. He went back to his apartment and pressed PLAY.
There was the fat kid, robbing the store. It had the Date&Time and everything.
Lou watched it several times. He liked crime videos.
The next day after work Lou went by the fat kid’s apartment. It was right upstairs. He waited until he was sure the mother was away.
“What do you want?” the fat kid asked. He didn’t want to open the door.
“I saw you rob the Seven-Eleven,” Lou said.
The fat kid opened the door. “You’re a liar,” he said. But he didn’t sound like he was sure.
Lou hit PLAY and showed him the video on the viewscreen. “I didn’t mean to,” the fat kid said. “I don’t know what came over me.”
“That’s what they all say,” said Lou. “Give me half the money or I will call the police.”
The fat kid gave him half the money. “Let me see that thing,” he said, pointing at the video camera.
“No way,” said Lou. He went home and counted the money. It was $62, more than he made in a week.
The next day, Lou called in sick. “I have the flu,” he said. His boss grumbled but didn’t say anything.
Lou took his new Crimestoppers™ video camera to the mall. It was almost empty during the day. There was only one girl shopping. She was extremely pretty.
