by Lucy Rinaldi
“Were you ever gonna tell me?” He asks. I offer him a seat on my couch, he takes it. I take a seat on the love couch, holding my legs together and turning to the side. I feel awkward in his presence. I never used to, but then I'm not seventeen anymore. “You told me you were having an abortion.”
“No, Bryton, you assumed. You put your point across. I nodded. You handed me two hundred dollars and walked away from me like I was nothing.” He scrubs his hand across the back of his neck in an agitated manner. “I didn't know what to do, Bryton. I needed you and you just walked away.”
“Why didn't you call me?”
“I did, you wouldn't answer.”
“You should have tried harder!”
“Right. Because this is my fault?” I can feel the tears pricking my eyes. How can he blame for this? I tried to call him, to find him, but he was nowhere to be found. I gave up because it was pointless.
“Four years, Roya. Four years I've missed out on.”
“I tried to find you, Bryton. I even tried to find you when he was born three months early. They told me he would die and I wanted you to have the chance to say hello and goodbye to him.” He sighs deeply and shifts in his seat. “I was all alone, Bryton. You have no idea how scared I was. I wasn't yet eighteen and I had to watch my tiny baby struggling to survive with no one there for me to lean on. Four months it took before he could come home.”
“I'm sorry.” He offers up. I don't want his sorry, I want him to hear what I have to say so he can leave. I don't want him here.
“You know,” I wipe the stray tear from my cheek, “he was home with me two days before he stopped breathing.” I hear his gasp but I don't acknowledge it. “I rushed him to the hospital. It took days before they told me that he had a hole in his heart and a blockage in his windpipe. He needed operations to fix both problems, operations that I couldn't pay for, and I wasn't able to get insurance because I wasn't old enough at the time.” I turn to look at him while wiping my eyes.
He's looking at me sympathetically. I don't want his sympathy, I just want him to understand finding him wasn't my first priority. I tired. I failed. I had to concentrate on Jaxson, it's as simple as that.
“You have no idea what I had to do in order to get him those operations.” I won't go into detail with him, he doesn't need to know everything. But what else was I supposed to do? My baby would have died if I hadn't have done what I did. What I've done many times just so my son can have everything he needs.
His eyes close in realization to what I'm saying without saying it out loud. I knew he'd get it. He's a smart man. “Roya,” My name slips from his mouth in a saddened whisper.
“I don't need you to feel sorry for me, Bryton. I just need you to understand that things haven't been easy. Jaxson had to be my only concern, not finding a man who didn't want to be found... There's something really important you need to know, though.” I rub my sweaty palms together.
“What's going on, Roya?” He shifts to the edge of his seat, his elbows on his thighs, his eyes locked with mine.
“When Jaxson was two he was diagnosed with leukemia.” His gasp of shock is deafening to me. I doubt this is what he was expecting when he walked in here. His eyes are wide and his mouth is hanging open. “It's been a very tough, few years.”
“Is he... Um... Is he...?”
“He's in remission” He closes his eyes and breathes deeply while nodding. “I have to be really careful with him. He's still very fragile and just getting over an operation that removed half of his lung.”
“What?” His voice is barely audible and I can see that he's struggling with all of this information. I doubt very much he expected any of this when he woke up this morning. But if he wants to know Jaxson then he has to know everything. I've been dealing with this all alone since Jaxson was born. Bryton is his father and he needs to share the load.
“It was scary and I thought I'd lose him. I'm still scared that I will. But after I was told he was remission, I decided to find a better place for us to live. We were living in a one-bed dump of a place in Texas for a while. I stumbled on this place a few weeks ago after I searched online for a place but came up empty handed. Someone pointed me in this direction.
“Mrs. Clarke was so nice to me. She couldn't wait to rent me the place. I didn't expect it to look like this. Mrs. Clarke did all of this for us.” I move my arms from side to side, motioning to how decorative the place is thanks to that little old lady. “I guess she fell in love with Jaxson and she wanted him to have a nice place to live.”
“God, Roya, I am so sorry.” My heart pounds as he gets out of his seat and comes to sit beside me. I swallow hard, I can smell his cologne and it is so familiar it makes the ache in my chest deepen. He always did prefer cologne over aftershave.
He grabs my hands in his, they're fisted, my hands. No one has touched me like this in a long time. “I wish I could've been there for you.” He says as he tucks a strand of loose hair behind my ear, his hand cupping my face at the same time. I lean into his touch with my eyes closed for a moment. I've missed his touch. His touch was the only good touch I ever received from another person.
“I'm so sorry for everything you've been through, Roya. I'm sorry our little boy had to go through all of that without me.” Our little boy. My god, that sounded so right.
“Jaxson needs you, Bryton. I know you didn't expect this...”
“Shh...” He soothes. I have to admit to myself that I need his help. I need him to take some of the weight off my shoulders. I love my baby boy so much but he needs his daddy as well as his mommy. “I want to get to know him, Roya.”
“You can. Of course, you can. I just need to talk to him. I need to explain things to him. Jaxson doesn't socialize well. He's spent most of his life in a hospital confined to a room where he saw only a handful of people. It's going to take some time for him to be like other kids his age. Let me talk to him, and then maybe you could come by and spend some time with him?”
“Thank you. Whatever you say.” He smiles while stroking my face with his hand. He has no idea what he's doing to me. He's ripping my heart wide open all over again. And the love I once felt for him is pouring out of me and I don't know how to stop it. “I have missed you so much. I never stopped thinking about you.”
“Me too.” My breath catches in my throat as his slides his thumb over my lower lip. I remember how he used to touch me like this right before he kissed me. God, the way he used to kiss me... Shut up, Roya!
“I want you to tell me if there's anything I can do to help. Right?” I nod, unable to speak. He always had this affect on me. From the very first moment, we met he had me hooked on him.
I see so much emotion in his eyes. I didn't mean to hurt him, all I wanted was to love him. That's all I wanted. I thought once upon a time that that was enough, but I was wrong. He wasn't ready as much as he said he was. I forgive him for that. After everything I've been through with Jaxson, I know life is too short to hold grudges.
“You're even more beautiful than I remember”.
“Thank you,” I'm blushing. I can feel the heat rising through my body. I gasp as he cups my face in his hands. “Bryton,”
He says nothing before his lips hit mine softly. There's nothing rushed about his kiss. It's soft and sensual, sending pleasure sparks right to my clit. His tongue slides over my lips and I instinctively open to let him in. I slide my hands into his hair and moan into his mouth as he deepens our kiss. It's so sensual, so erotic, and it brings back all those memories of our time together. I don't care how this makes me look, I want him, I have always wanted him. He's the father of my little boy, and he will always be the love of my life.
He pulls out of our kiss and rests his forehead against mine, his hands still on my face. He's a little out of breath, but so am I. “I should go.” I can do nothing but nod. “Call me when you've spoken to Jaxson?”
“I will.”
* * *
Jaxson has been so confused this morni
ng. I've been trying to explain who Bryton really is. At first, he just looked at me, then he told me, “I know that, mommy.” Which, of course, shocked me. It just cemented what I already knew. Then he wanted to know when he could see Bryton, if he could call him daddy, when he could play ball with him. So many questions, but questions a child would ask.
Of course, I told him that he could call Bryton daddy if he wants to, and he can see his daddy whenever he wanted. And, of course, he wants that right now. I texted Bryton and asked him to come for lunch. I needed to make sure Jaxson was bathed and ready, and myself also.
I found myself trying on all sorts of outfits because I don't want to look a mess in front of Bryton. Why should I care what I look like to him? I guess I want him to see what he's missed out on all these years. I ended up choosing a dark blue and white polka dot fifties-style swing dress that ties around the neck, petticoat underneath to give the dress the added humph, and matching heels.
I made the dress myself a while ago but I've never had the chance to wear it. It's warm out today so I figured now is a good a time as any. I tied my blonde hair up in a bun in the middle of my head, the front of my hair in curls, which are pinned back, with a bandana around my head and tied in a knot behind my curls.
I then set about doing my makeup to give myself that fifties look. I don't know why I chose this look today, I guess sometimes I like to be a little different. I'm quite old-headed some would say, and I like looking like a fifties pinup.
My baby boy opted to wear blue shorts and t-shirt. I found it odd when he usually refuses to wear shorts. He always says they make his legs cold. Silly, I know, especially in summertime, but he's a child and Jaxson has a lot of little ticks that make him upset. I don't fuss over them because all I want is to see him smiling. That's why I said nothing other than how gorgeous he looked. Calling Jaxson cute is not a good thing. He's at the age where he doesn't want to be cute.
Right now, my little boy is sitting on the couch, fidgeting nervously while waiting for Bryton to arrive. Of course, as soon as the door knocks, he screeches excitedly. It brings a tear to my eye to see the sparkle in his little blue eyes. I have literally never seen him like this before. I love how happy he is right now. He's waited for this moment since he could say the word, “Daddy”
“Sit still, baby. I'll go let daddy in.”
“Okay.” He giggles into his hands and I can't help chuckling.
I take a deep breath, brush down my dress and then my hair, just to make sure I look presentable, and then I open the door. I catch my breath in my throat. Oh my god, he looks so good. He's dressed in black jeans and a tight black t-shirt. His sandy-blond hair is slicked back, and his icy blues are shining brightly against his tanned skin.
Oh, great! Now my heart is beating hard in my chest and I can feel the twinge of desire between my legs.
Why would you curse me like this, God? Why would you curse me with such feelings for this man?
His eyes rake over me shamelessly. His eyes are wide with lust. He still wants me and he's not even trying to hide it. “Wow.” I giggle nervously. Looks like my effort had the desired effect. “You look...” His eyes finally lock with mine. He takes a step forward, his body almost flush with mine. Sweet Jesus, I can feel his body heat. He's so close that if I move even slightly his lips will be pressed against mine. “You look stunning.”
“Thank you,” I slide my hand up his chest. I'm not a bold person, but with Bryton, I was never shy, and I don't feel shy now. Nervous? Yes. Shy? No. “You don't look too bad yourself.”
He flashes me his beautiful smile. The one that used to melt me in every way, and now is no different.
I gasp when he grabs my hips in his hands and pulls my body flush against his body. I bite my lip as my eyes land on his mouth. A mouth made for sin. “Look at me.” He tips my head up with his fingers under my chin. “I really have missed you, Mi Amor.”
“Bryton,” I whisper with my eyes closed. God, he always used to say that to me. Mi Amor. My love. How can he say that to me right now?
I don't even know if he's with someone. I don't want to fall into anything with him if he's... No, he wouldn't be touching my face or holding my hips like this if he was with someone else. If I know nothing else about him, I know he's not a cheat.
He takes my face in his hands, and before I can say anything else his lips are on mine, kissing me the way a lover would kiss another. We're not lovers and we haven't been for a very long time. But then why am I kissing him back like we've never been apart?
I'm holding onto the nape of his neck, keeping him against me. I've needed this for so long, to feel desired for the woman I am, and not the little poor girl who needs money to pay for her son's treatment.
I pull away from him and giggle with my forehead pressed against his when Jaxson calls out, wondering where we are. “Come on. I don't think Master Sawyer can wait to officially meet his daddy.”
“Wait,” He grabs my hand as I turn away from him. I narrow my eyes slightly. “I just wanted to say, thank you.”
“For what?” He has nothing to thank me for.
“For keeping the baby. For taking such good care of him. For protecting him, loving him. For giving him my name and telling him about me.”
I cup his face and stroke his cheek with my thumb. “You don't have to thank me, Bryton. You're his father. I knew one day I would find you. And I wanted our little boy to know you. Now, come on.” I kiss him softly and take his hand.
Five
Bryton
She leads me inside her home.
To say I'm nervous about spending time with my son would be crazy, right?
Well, I am.
All I could think about last night was, what if he doesn't like me? What if he gets upset about me being here and runs from me? I don't want to scare him, I just want to be a father to him.
I thanked Roya when I arrived because she deserved it. She's been his mother for four years, taking care of him and doing everything in her power to keep him safe, to pay for treatments he needs to keep him alive. I know she has mounting medical bills, I saw the letters on her mantel. I didn't mean to read them but it was hard not to.
Should have I have taken those bills?
No.
Should I have made a few calls this morning before I came over here and cleared those medical bills? Paid them off so my son and his mother can have peace of mind and not have to struggle because of them?
Hell yes, I should have, and I did.
No parent should have to work every hour God sends to pay off debts acquired through no real fault of their own.
The small fortune I paid to clear those debts this morning is nothing to what I own that girl for all she's done for our son. I have no real idea what she did to pay for certain things like operations in the past. Okay, I have an idea and I fucking hate the thought she had to do that when I could have been helping her all this time. I'll never forgive myself for what I allowed to happen. And I did allow it. I walked away from her like some coward.
But one thing is for damn sure, I will never walk away from her again. I still love her. I don't think I ever stopped. I just tried to push away the hurt I caused myself and ignore the hurt I caused her. I'm a man now, more grown up in every way, and I'm ready for this.
Jaxson comes first for both of us, and I know that's how it should be. But I will not give up until Roya is back in my arms where she belongs. I know she still wants me, she wouldn't let me kiss her, she wouldn't kiss me back, nor cling to me if she didn't. Am I a bigheaded prick to think she still loves me, that she's still in love with me? Most definitely. But I feel it deep inside of me.
There he is, sitting on the couch looking adorably like a small three-year-old rather a boy of four. He's smiling at me, and I can tell he's not sure whether he should run to me or stay where he is.
“Hey, Jaxson.” His little eyes suddenly fill with tears and it tears at my heart. This is all too soon for him. I see that now. I shouldn't
've pushed for this so soon. I should have let Roya ease him into it. I can't bear that he's crying his little eyes out because of me. “I'm sorry.” I practically whisper.
“No,” Roya shakes her head with her smile on her face. “He's not sad that you're here, Bryton. He's just been so excited about you coming here that it's just a little much for him. Don't worry,” She smiles while squeezing my arm. I smile slightly.
“Jaxson, don't cry, baby.” She says while lifting him into her arms. “Remember what we talked about?” He nods against her shoulder. “You got a little over excited, huh?” Again he nods.
“Maybe I should come back another time?”
“No!” His little head shoots up and I can't help smiling as he holds his arms out to me. “Mommy said you would stay with me.” He mumbles while I take him from Roya. He lays his head on my shoulder. “Don't go away, daddy.”
That word. Daddy. My heart just split wide open, pushed out any hurt I ever felt and filled right back up with love for this little boy in my arms. My son. Nothing and no one will ever mean this much to me. This feeling is so overwhelming I can hardly breathe.
“Daddy.” He whispers again.
“It's okay, Jaxson, daddy is never going to leave you.” He looks up at me and giggles. I stroke the tears from his cheeks with my thumb.
Yes, my boy, daddy loves you more than he ever thought he could.
* * *
I spent the whole day getting to know my son. God, he's amazing. He's so smart for such a little boy. He's going to be a wonderful painter when he grows up, he already knows how to paint animals. How is that possible at his age? Okay, they're not gallery standard he's a little boy. But I'd say in a couple of years or so...
Roya allowed me to bathe him and then sit with him while he drank his meal replacement. She explained how he needs to drink it each night because he doesn't eat much of anything due to his illnesses. It hurt my heart to see him crying while trying to drink that stuff and not throw up. I pulled him onto my lap and encouraged him, told him how proud of him I was, and how tomorrow we'll be spending the day together again while his mother is at work. He was so excited about it. He drank it all up and then asked me to tuck him up in bed. Roya said it was okay but still followed us up. I guess it's as much her routine as it is Jaxson's.
