by Lucy Rinaldi
“Jaxson, where are you?!” I freeze, I can't move. That voice, I have never and will never forget it. It can't be her, it just can't. My brother's eyes lock with mine. His narrow, I must be as pale as a ghost. I feel fucking sick. “There you are.”
“Mommy, I got some friends like you.”
“That's great, sweetheart,”
I can't turn round, my heart is pounding out of my chest. I'm gonna hurl. If I turn around and look at her, I'll be lost all over again, and I know there will be no coming back from it this time. But at the same time, I could kill her! She fucking kept my kid. She lied to me yet again! Why the hell would she do that?
“But it's time to leave these nice men alone. It's almost your bedtime.”
“But I want to stay with Bryton.” My eyes close on me. I can sense her body stiffen behind me.
“What... What did you say?”
“I want to stay with, Bryton.” He touches my arm. “Please, mommy?”
I swallow hard, take a deep breath in through my nose and out through my mouth. All eyes are on me and I know each of them is thinking the same thing. But this kid isn't mine, she aborted my baby and then obviously went right ahead and had another baby with someone else.
Who the fuck are you trying to kid, Bryton? If he's not yours, she's got a pretty sick imagination giving him your name!
I turn in my seat to face her. Our eyes lock and it's like the wind is knocked out of her. She stumbles back a little. God, she looks fucking beautiful, just as I remembered her. She's wearing white, I always liked her in white. White flowing skirt, tight sleeveless shirt, hair tied up. God, I used to love to pull that hair as I took her from behind... Stop it, Bryton, Jesus, this is not the time!
“Hello, Roya.”
She swallows hard. I can see her struggling to say something. Her eyes flit from to her son and back to me again. “Bryton.” She acknowledges quietly. “Jaxson, say goodbye. It's time for us to go now.”
He whines and gets out of his seat. He then wraps his arms tightly around my bicep while laying his head on my arm. I don't even know this kid, yet he seems to like me. I suppose that's a good thing if he is my son. I can feel four sets of eyes boring into the back of my head.
“Jaxson, it's time to go.”
“I want to stay with my friend. He has got the same name as my daddy.” She doesn't hesitate in grabbing him and pulling him away from me. He screams and kicks out at her. It doesn't faze her, she just wraps him up in her arms and walks away from us.
What the fucking hell just happened?
My mind is swimming.
Is this some kind of cruel trick?
Why is she here now?
After all this time. After all those nights I sat wondering where she was and if she was okay, and now here she is, and with a kid? Oh my god, my head is about to explode! What are the odds we'd end up in the same town now?
“Something you wanna tell me, Bry?” I shake my head at my brother and chug back half my bottle of beer.
“How do you know her?” Enzo asks.
“She was...” I scrub my hands over my eyes. What the hell is happening?
“She was what, Bryton?”
“My girlfriend. Once upon a time.”
“Little brother, is that your son?”
I shake my head. “She got rid of my kid, Chase.”
“What?” My brother shakes his head, his long hair flapping from side to side. “Are you telling me that you got her pregnant?”
I nod. “But she had an abortion. She told me she wasn't ready for a kid.” Liar! “Obviously she just didn't want a kid me because she must have gotten pregnant a couple of months after I left.”
You despicable person, Bryton. You're a liar, and you're making her out to be the bad one when it was you!
“I don't know what planet you're living on, Bry, but that kid is yours. He's the spitting image of you when you were that age”
“That's ridiculous, Chase!”
“Is it?”
I groan and drop my head in my hands.
Could it really be true? Did she really not go through with the abortion? If it is true, why would she have done something like that to me? Why would she have told me she was having an abortion if she wanted to keep it? Did she believe me incapable of being a father?
We were good together, even when I found out her true age, I forgave her. I forgave her because we'd fallen for each other. And I didn't fall lightly, I fell fucking hard. Those two months with her were the best of my life. I've never been the fucking same since. Every woman I fuck, I compare to her. How sick is that?
But if I think about it, did she even tell me she was having the abortion? I told her to get rid of the baby because we were too young. She nodded. I handed her the money, then I walked away from her like she was nothing to me.
How could I even say I loved her when I did that to her?
No wonder she kept Jaxson from me. She probably thought I'd do the same to him.
“What the hell did you lot do to Roya? She ran out of here like her ass was on fire!”
Why am I so irritated by Aimee all of a sudden? Because I am. I feel terrible for lusting after her all these months. And I feel terrible because Roya just walked back into my life like a dead lover returning from beyond the grave. I feel like I've been cheating on her, which is ridiculous, to say the least. I have nothing to feel guilty about.
“... kid.”
“Excuse me what?” Emilee snaps.
Have I missed something? God, I must have spaced out for a second, I've missed half the conversation.
“You're Jaxson's father?” I turn to look at Emilee. What the fuck am I supposed to say? I have no fucking clue who the hell I am to that kid. “Bryton, are you okay?” I don't know what to say to her. I feel like I've been punched in the gut with a sledgehammer.
I notice Aimee out of the corner of my eye. She seems concerned. I scrub my hands over my face. “I need to see her. I need to ask her for the truth. Where does she live?”
“Hillside. Not far from Enzo and Paige.” Aimee gives me a sympathetic smile.
I get out of my seat, dig a bill out of my wallet and drop it on the table. “I'll see back at yours later, bro.”
“Be careful, Bry. Don't push her. There's a reason she didn't tell you. Just listen to her.” I nod at my brother and walk away. I have no idea what I'm going to say to her but she needs to tell me the truth and tonight.
“Bryton, wait!” A hand grabs my arms, stopping me just outside of the pub. I turn to face Aimee. “There's something you should know.”
“What?”
“Don't snap at me, Bryton Sawyer. You really think going over to that girl's house when you're in this mood is a good idea? That little boy does not need it.”
“You're right. I'm sorry.” She is right, I can't go over there like this. But I have to know the truth.
“Jaxson was born prematurely. Roya told me that he's been sick his whole life. He's sick right now. Please don't go over there upsetting her. Her life hasn't been easy, Bryton. It's so very easy to see that just by looking at her.” I nod, and without another word, I walk away from her. I need the truth and I need it now.
* * *
“Somehow I knew you'd follow me.” She says as soon as she opens the door. No, “Hello, won't you come in?” I want to yell at her, to scream at her to tell me the truth. To tell me why the fuck she did this to me. But I see so much sadness in her eyes that it cuts me deep. What is this girl hiding?
“Can I come in?”
She looks behind herself slightly before pulling the door closer to her body, shutting me out further. “Now isn't really a good time.”
“Mommy, I need you, I can't drink it!” He's upset. I can hear the tears in his voice. Why is it affecting me like this? I feel so much love for the person I didn't even know existed. And I feel like I need to be in there to comfort him.
“I'm coming, baby! Look, I have to go.” She goes to close the door, but
I slam my hand against it. She's not shutting me out this time. If that boy is mine, I want to get to know him. “Please don't do this now, Bryton.”
“Don't do what, Roya?” She closes her eyes for a second. She's trying to fight her emotions. But what about mine? Don't I deserve the truth? “Is he mine?” She doesn't answer, but I can see the tears forming in her eyes. “Is he mine, Roya?!” She hesitates for a second before nodding her head slowly.
I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me. All this fucking time I believed she'd had an abortion and she didn't! How could she do that to me?! Jesus Christ, was I really that bad?
“Why? Why did you do that to me, Roya? Why did you lie to me?!”
“Please,” she holds her hand up to me, “don't yell. Jaxson gets frightened easily. I know I have a lot of explaining to do, and I promise you, I'll tell you everything. But right now, Jaxson needs his medication, so I need to get back inside and help him. He finds it difficult to swallow the stuff. But I promise we can talk tomorrow.”
“Why does he need medication?”
“This isn't the time, Bryton.”
“Tell me!” I didn't mean to snap, but my whole fucking life has changed in one night. Changed in the most drastic way, so fucking shoot me for feeling a little out of it right now.
“Bryton!” There he is standing beside his mother, pulling the door open so that he can see me. Chase is right, he looks just like me. I see it so clearly now. “Did you come to see me?”
My eyes burn holes into Roya. How could she do this to me? To Jaxson? I could fucking strangle her!
I tear my eyes away from her and look down at my new found son. I smile and crouch down to his level. “Yes, buddy, I came to see you. I wanted to make sure you were okay.”
I smile as he takes my hand in his. I sense Roya's discomfort, but tough, she did this to herself. “I was sad when mommy brought me home. I wanted to stay with you.”
Isn't that just amazing? This little boy doesn't even know who I really am, yet he's so comfortable with me that he'd be sad that he had to leave me.
“I was sad too. That's why I came over here.” He giggles and I feel so emotional I could cry right now. I've missed out on everything where this little boy is concerned. Roya can apologize until the cows come home, but nothing will ever fix what she took from me. Nothing. “I heard you're taking your medicine.”
He nods his little head up and down in fast succession. “It's yucky. It makes me feel sick. Will you come inside? Please?” I look up at Roya. She nods slowly, not really wanting to. I get to my feet and follow him inside. The place is nice, homely. At least I don't have to worry about him living in squalor.
I watch him take a seat on the couch, he seems so small for a child his age. Or maybe it's because my nephew is quite tall for his age, and he's only a year older than Jaxson.
Roya seems really nervous. I can see the sweat beading on her forehead. I know she never expected to find me here. Hell, I never expected to ever see her again. But I am here and I'm not walking out of my son's life. I want to get to know him, he deserves that and so do I.
“What's that you're drinking, little man?”
“My medicine.” He chokes on his so-called medicine. Roya is soon by his side, rubbing his back and encouraging him to keep drinking. What the fuck is that stuff? “Mommy.” He lifts his arms up to her as soon as he's finished. He's crying. She lifts him into her arms and cradles him.
I shouldn't be here. This is uncomfortable. The bond they have is unbreakable, and I don't see any room for me.
I rub the back of my neck. “What's wrong with him?”
She stands, wrapping her arms tighter around Jaxson. “I need to take him to bed.” I take her arm gently. “Please, Bryton. This is all too much right now.” I see the tears in her eyes. Something is seriously wrong. Why won't she tell me? “Let me take him to bed, then we can talk.” I nod and release her arm. Whatever she has to tell me, I need to listen, whether I'm ready for it or not.
“Good night, little man.” I stroke his little cheek with my finger, his head still resting on his mother's shoulder. He smiles with his eyes half closed. Whatever that stuff is I'm guessing it knocks him to sleep fast.
Four
Roya
My worst fucking nightmare. My very worst nightmare! Bryton Sawyer? What in the name of all that is holy? Of all the places I've lived since he walked out of my life, I end up in the same town as him?
My heart sank to my feet and I ran away when I realized my baby was talking to Bryton. I should have known something wasn't quite right. Jaxson had been badgering me to let him say hello to the husbands of the women I met for dinner tonight. I'd said no, he listened. He sat and ate very little of the food he asked me for, a burger and fries. Of course, I knew he wouldn't eat much, Jaxson's stomach just can't hold much food. That's why he has to drink a food substitute each night in order to make sure he gets the nutrients his body needs each day.
The women we met tonight, Emilee, Della, Mia, and Paige, along with Aimee, were all great, I liked them all instantly. Not one of them judged me for being here without a husband. Emilee told me her story about how she arrived here pregnant after leaving her husband Chase, and how it took almost two years for him to find her. Paige told me about the hell she went through last year when she tried to hide her pregnancy from her new husband because she thought he'd be better of without her.
Then they all told me about their children. Emilee has two, a boy and a girl. Paige has one, a little girl, who her husband adores and hates leaving with Paige's mother, even if it's only to come out for a drink. Mia has three children, two boys, and a girl. Her eldest son is her stepson, her husband's child from his first marriage, but she loves him as her own. Della also has one child, a little girl just a month younger than Paige's daughter. Aimee has no children.
They talked about their lives and families and all the time Jaxson just sat there staring at his hands. He really does have difficulty socializing. Which I know is my fault because we've been alone most of his life.
Emilee encouraged me to allow Jaxson to go meet her husband and brother-in-law, who were sat just across the room drinking beer with Paige, Della, and Mia's husbands. I kissed his little cheek and told him he could say hi. The big, bright, beautiful smile on his face touched my heart. I've never seen him look so excited about anything.
Of course, I went looking for him ten minutes later. I had a strange feeling something wasn't right.
I wasn't wrong.
I almost had a fucking heart attack when I saw Bryton sitting there with my son. His eyes bore into me, and I swear to God above, every feeling I ever felt for that man, every feeling I had to bury, suddenly came rushing back to me in a flurry of emotion. I almost passed out from it. I knew in my heart that he'd worked out Jaxson was his son, I saw it in his beautiful blue eyes, the same eyes I look into every day when I look at my son.
And then there's the way Jaxson was with Bryton. My god, I have never seen him cling to anybody the way he did Bryton. It's as though his little heart told him just who the man he was clinging to was. And that scared me.
Of course, I picked up my son and rushed out of there as fast as I could. I wasn't about to explain anything in a pub full of his friends and family. It may have hit me hard seeing Bryton again, but I swear, my baby boy knew in his heart who Bryton was, why else would he have sobbed his heart out all the way home? Especially over not being able to stay with a man he doesn't even know.
I should have known he'd ask Aimee where I live. I should have known he'd come here. Should I have let him inside the house? Probably not, but Jaxson didn't give me much choice.
Right now, Bryton is waiting for me downstairs. I'm a coward and I haven't left Jaxson's room yet. After I lay him in his bed, he fell asleep like always, almost instantly with me stroking his hair. I've been watching him sleep, and right now, I see even more how much he looks like his daddy. I've always seen it, but more so right now.
Everything about my baby is that man down there, his sandy blond hair, his blue eyes, and his cheeky smile. This little boy means everything to me, he's all I have in this world. Knowing the man who gave me this beautiful gift is right downstairs has me more than a little emotional.
With a little more compartmentalizing my thoughts, I take a deep breath and leave my baby's room. I get downstairs to find Bryton standing in front of my mantel, looking at pictures of Jaxson as a baby that I have in frames. Hell, my walls are covered in framed pictures of my son at all ages.
His eyes lock with mine through the mirror and my heart instantly begins to pound harder. Any harder and I'll have a heart attack. I see so much emotion in his eyes. I did that to him. I took his chance to be a father away from him and I will have to live with that for the rest of my life.
Why did I do it? Because I honestly thought it was best for him. We hardly knew each other. Yes, I will admit that I'd fallen in love with him, but I never felt good enough for him. And when I told him about the baby, he hit the roof. He told me we were too young, that I should have an abortion. It hurt me so badly but I kind of agreed. Okay, I nodded in shock. He then gave me two hundred dollars and walked away from me without another word.
I never saw him again.
How could he have ever claimed to love me when he could walk away from me so easily? He just became one of the many people in my life that rejected me.
Right now, I wish more than anything I could tell him to go, to tell him that Jaxson doesn't need him, that I don't need him. But the truth is that Jaxson does need him. And I need him to take some of the burden off my shoulders. My son is in no way a burden, my god, I would die for him. But Jaxson and I have been through four years of hell together. Maybe with Bryton finally here he'll want to be part of Jaxson's life and my baby will finally have the daddy he's longed for his whole life. Plus, having his father in his life will help when he becomes ill. Because let's face it, Jaxson is ill ninety-nine percent of the time.
Bryton turns slowly to look at me. I swallow hard. My palms are sweating horribly. I'm really hot, I think I might have a panic attack!
