Awakened in September

by Kelsey Clayton

  I WAKE UP JUST before eleven to an empty bed. Bree left a note on her nightstand, letting me know she went to class and then she’s going to Taylor’s. I assume it’s because Caleb finally broke up with her. A grin spreads across my face as I remember the events of last night. Kayleigh and I actually had a conversation – one that lasted hours and wasn’t mandatory. The sight of her smile and sound of her laugh are burned into my mind.

  I glance over to see she’s still asleep in her bed. Now that I think about it, I was around her most of the day yesterday and I don’t remember seeing her eat anything. Despite seeming completely forced into it, she did agree to let me help her.

  Getting up from the bed, I’m careful not to make any noise. I slip on my shoes and grab my keys before heading out the door. The coffee house closest to campus is the first place I think to go. It’s not as crowded as I thought it would be, but then again, classes are in session right now. I was going to go, before I spent most of the night with Kayleigh.

  I get myself a coffee and order a muffin for her. Today is the day I’m going to start getting her to eat more than her age in calories. When the barista gives me my order, I thank him and head back to the dorms. As soon as I get there, I see Kayleigh is already awake.

  “Oh good, you’re up.” I greet her, hoping not to get the same cold reaction I usually do.

  Her eyebrows furrow slightly. “Yeah. But you do know Bree’s at class, right?”

  “Yes...” I place the bag down and pull out the muffin. “I brought you breakfast.” She freezes completely, staring at the muffin like I’m trying to feed her a pile of dog shit. “Come on, Kayleigh. You have to eat it.” I tell her. “You said you’d let me help you.”

  She looks up at me, then back down at the item in my hand. “Do you know how many calories are in that thing?”

  “No, and I don’t care.” I answer with no emotion. “Eat it.”

  She ignores my words and gets up, going into the bathroom. I’m frozen in place as I wonder what just happened. Still, I won’t give up that easily. A few minutes later, she comes back out and returns to her bed.

  “Yeah, no. That’s not going to happen.” She declares.

  I narrow my eyes at her. “Why not?”

  “Because. There are more calories in that one muffin than I normally eat in an entire day.”

  Okay, maybe this won’t be as easy as I thought. I try to keep myself calm as I put the muffin down and sit on her bed. “That’s the point, Kayleigh. The amount you eat isn’t healthy. You could end up in the hospital, or worse.”

  “Like that would be such a bad thing.” She murmurs under her breath, looking down at her hands.

  Before I can stop myself, I place my hands on her cheeks and turn her head to look at me. She looks completely shocked by my actions but I don’t stop. God, I could kiss her right now. It would be so easy. Unfortunately, there are more important issues at hand.

  “It would be a horrible thing. Brianna would be absolutely heartbroken if something happened to you.”

  She opens and closes her mouth a couple times before speaking. “Just Brianna?”

  My heart speeds up as I think about what I’m about to admit. “No, Kayleigh. Not just Brianna.”

  Without thinking, I start to lean in. When I notice her eyes widen, I realize what I’m doing. I manage to change my destination to her forehead in a way that’s smoother than I thought it would be. I don’t even think she could tell that wasn’t my original intention.

  As my lips press softly against her skin, a tingle goes through my entire body. I pull away and remove one hand from her face, reaching over and grabbing a piece of the muffin. I bring it up to her mouth but she stays motionless.

  “Please?” I whisper.

  She slowly opens and allows me to feed it to her. It’s like she’s a baby bird, but it’s working so I’m not about to stop. Neither of us speak as I get her to take bite after bite. My thumb rubs gently against her cheekbone in a calming motion. We get halfway through it before she stops me.

  “I’m full, really. I can’t eat any more.”

  I eye her carefully, trying to decipher if she’s telling the truth. When I conclude that she is, I pop the remaining part of the muffin into my mouth. Her body visibly relaxes once it’s gone.

  “Thank you.” I tell her and she smiles in return.

  Standing up and stepping away from her bed, I feel overwhelmed by what just happened. Between last night and today, I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. I could have very easily lost control and kissed her. What if she freaked out and told Bree? I’d lose them both and I’ve just started getting her to talk to me.

  “Well, I have to go to class.” I lie, seeing her focused on her phone. I just need to get out of here for a bit. “I’ll see you in sociology.”

  When she glances up at me and mumbles a goodbye, something is off about her. I hope I didn’t do more damage than good, but she needs to eat. I would hate myself if I allowed something to happen to her. Perhaps she just needs some time alone.

  I get down to my car before realizing I forgot my text book – not that I plan on actually going to class, but I’m going to need it for whatever assignment we receive. Going back upstairs, I find the door is still unlocked. I go inside but don’t see Kayleigh.

  The sound of someone puking gets my attention, and I turn my head to find her hunched over the toilet with two fingers shoved down her throat.

  “Fucking seriously?!” I shout. She turns around and her eyes widen when they meet with mine. “You’re fucking ridiculous!”

  “What are you doing here?” She asks, and seriously?! That’s all she has to say?

  “I forgot my text book.”

  I take it off Bree’s desk before looking at her one more time. She looks disappointed in herself, but I’m too angry to care. All I was doing was trying to help, but maybe she was right. Maybe she doesn’t want to get better. I roll my eyes and shake my head before storming out of the room.

  THE REST OF THE day is spent in utter mental torment. No matter how loudly I blast music into my ears, it won’t drown out my thoughts. Once it reaches seven straight hours of thinking about her, I grab my computer from the desk drawer and place it on my bed. If I’m going to get her to stop starving herself, I need to know what I’m dealing with.

  As soon as it turns on, I open safari and go to Google – typing ‘anorexia’ into the box and clicking search.

  Chapter Eleven

  My alarm blares into my ear. The feeling of my computer is harsh underneath my head. I must have fallen asleep last night in the midst of my research. I never would have thought there was so much to learn when it comes to eating disorders. There are so many triggers and other disorders that go along with it, it’s overwhelming. However, one thing I learned for sure is that I fucked up by trying to get her to eat something as high-calorie as a muffin.

  I take a quick shower before getting dressed for the day. I’m nervous to see Kayleigh but I know we need to talk after yesterday. Glancing at the clock, I see it’s already 7:15 and I need to get going if I want to get a minute with her before class starts.

  The drive to campus is short and devoid of life, with most of the students not even being awake yet. Early morning classes are the most avoided amongst everyone here, though I can’t say I blame them. I park in a spot close to the building and get out. Jordan is at the door and greets me through a yawn.

  “Get enough sleep last night?” I ask.

  He shrugs. “Not really, but it is what it is.”

  We walk into the classroom and my eyes immediately search for Kayleigh. Unfortunately, she’s not here yet. Her normal seat is left unoccupied and I start to wonder if she’s coming at all. It’s unusual for me to get here before her. I sit and wait, looking up at the door every time it opens, but she never arrives.

  “Alright class.” Professor Bradley gets our attention. “Today we’re continuing to work on the projects. Remember, they’re due tomorrow by 8 PM
. No extensions will be granted.” He looks around until his eyes land on me, and the empty desk beside me. “Mr. Rivers, where’s your partner today?”

  “Uh, she’s sick.” I cover for her. “Some stomach bug going around.”

  He doesn’t seem to believe me, but nods anyway. “Please give her my best.”

  “I will.”

  Being as there isn’t much work I can do on my own, I take out my phone and start scrolling through Instagram. She hasn’t posted anything since a drunken photo of her and Bree at the party. A part of me considers texting my girlfriend to see if Kayleigh is okay, but that could end up opening a whole can of worms that is better left closed.

  Instead, I look at my schedule for the day. My last class gets out at 2:30, so I figure I’ll go over to her place to finish the project right after. There’s no use going back to my place when I’m already on campus. I open my texts and send her a message.

  Me: I’ll be there at 3 so we can finish our project.

  She doesn’t answer, but then again, I didn’t really expect her to. She’s probably either mad at me for yelling at her, or embarrassed for getting caught. Either way, I know she isn’t going to cave unless I’m standing in front of her – and even then, I’ll be lucky to get anything but an attitude. I know from experience, that girl can be cold as ice.

  MY LAST CLASS OF the day lets out and I can hear as my stomach growls. I haven’t eaten anything except for a bagel after sociology. I still have a half hour before I need to be at Kayleigh’s so I head to the deli. There’s a little bit of a wait but I don’t mind. I have time to kill anyway.

  When I get up to the counter, I order myself half of an Italian sub. I glance around for something Kayleigh would eat, and find what I’m looking for when my eyes land on a bowl of fresh fruit. I grab that and two bottles of water. When they’re done with my sub, I pay for the meals and go back to my car.

  The drive over to Kayleigh’s is nerve wracking to say the least. She is obviously against seeing me, so much that she was willing to skip class to avoid doing so. Although, she didn’t text me back with an excuse for why I couldn’t come there.

  Knowing that we will be alone is bittersweet. Bree is at class and then plans on doing some ‘retail therapy’ with Taylor. I’m glad to spend some one on one time with Kayleigh, but I’m anxious because I know there won’t be any buffer.

  I pull up to her building at 2:55 and park in the closest spot. I grab the bag from the deli and climb out, locking my car after I shut the door. The whole walk upstairs, my heart is practically beating out of my chest. Once I get to her room, I raise my shaking hand and knock twice.

  The sound of footsteps come close to the door just before it opens. She doesn’t say anything, instead just walking back towards her bed. Okay, cold shoulder it is.

  “Nice to see you, too.” I murmur. She simply hums in response.

  When she turns around to face me, her eyes widen. “What is that?”

  I follow her line of sight to the bag and then look back up, gauging her reaction. “A sub for me.” I pause. “And a bowl of fresh fruit for you.”

  The tension leaves her shoulders. “Fruit?”

  “Just fruit.” I assure her, putting the bag down on the nearest desk. “I spent all yesterday doing, um, research.” I mumble. “I’m sorry I tried to take this too fast.”

  She doesn’t reply. She just looks at me with her jaw dropped and her eyes slightly narrowed, as if she’s trying to solve the world’s biggest mystery. Her lack of a response tells me there may be hope after all. I muster up enough courage to take a chance and walk towards her.

  As soon as I’m close enough, I wrap my arms around her body and pull her close. She doesn’t fight me on it. Her head and hands rest against my chest – just allowing me to hold her. Her hair smells of vanilla, and I realize this is the first time I’m this close to her. Hopefully she can’t hear how fast my heart is beating.

  “Forgive me?” I whisper, feeling more than relieved when she nods against me.

  Despite how much I would love to spend the entire day with her wrapped in my arms, we have lunch to eat and a project to finish. I reluctantly step away and take the food out of the bag, handing her the fruit and a bottle of water.

  The two of us make small talk as we consume our lunch, and I’m happy to see she doesn’t have much of a problem eating this time. I know the number of calories in fruit is low, but at least she’s putting something in her stomach. I remember the phrase from one of the many articles I read about helping people recover from anorexia. Start small, work up from there.

  When we finish our food, we lie beside each other on her bed and play the videos. The first one we watch is of the grocery store, since it’s longer. I admit to her that I’ve paid for people since that day. I never really planned on telling anyone, but I’m still trying to open up to her more. She seems slightly surprised, but recovers with a smile and we go back to watching the screen. I’m thankful she didn’t make a big deal about it.

  Once we’re done with that one, she switches to the video from the diner. I listen to the way I bark at my girlfriend. It causes me to cringe and Kayleigh doesn’t miss my reaction.

  “Wow. I was really mean.”

  She pauses it and turns to me. “It was just an act. You needed to be.”

  I roll over to face the ceiling. “I don’t know. Sometimes I wonder if I treat her the way she deserves.”

  She sits up and stretches a little. I flop my head to the side to look at her.

  “She loves you.”

  I wince slightly. “Yeah. I know. That’s part of the problem.” She says nothing, but looks at me as if she’s waiting for me to continue. It feels weird talking to her about this, but I guess this is part of being myself. “She’s told me a few times, but I just haven’t been able to say it back.”

  “You don’t love her?”

  “No? I don’t know. She’s a great girl.” I stop and take a deep breath. “They say you just know when you’re in love with someone, and I just don’t know with her. So, I guess, no – I don’t.”

  She’s quiet for a moment, and I start to wonder if I made a mistake by telling her that. However, just as I’m about to change the subject, she moves and lies down next to me.

  “Don’t beat yourself up over it.”

  Her short response makes me chuckle. “Thanks for the advice, Kay.” I quip, poking her side. She squirms instantly and I sit up. “You’re ticklish!?”

  “No.” She answers too quickly for it to be true.

  I dig my finger into her side again, lighting up when she flinches. “Liar. You are!”

  She thrashes around as I tickle the sides of her tiny waist. “No, Holden. Stop.” She pleads through a laugh. I can’t seem to control my smile at the adorable way she moves.

  “Well don’t you two look cozy.” A voice halts our movements, but it’s not Bree’s.

  I turn my head to see Taylor standing in the doorway. Brianna comes in behind her, carrying more bags than necessary. She places them on her bed and comes over to me.

  “Hey babe.” She says and gives me a quick kiss.

  “Hey.”

  Taylor glares at us from where she stands while Bree goes into the bathroom. The silence is awkward, neither myself nor Kayleigh wanting to speak. Once my girlfriend comes back out, she kisses me once more.

  “We’re going out to dinner. I just wanted to drop the bags off.”

  I nod and watch as she walks back out the door, sliding past Taylor.

  “Don’t have too much fun.” The bitch tells us, raising her eyebrows judgingly.

  As soon as they’re both gone, and the door closes behind them, I snicker in disbelief. “I hate that girl.”

  Kayleigh giggles. “I don’t know why. She’s such a ball of sunshine.”

  I can’t help but stop and look down at her as she lies next to me. Her hair is disheveled from my tickle onslaught. Her shirt is slightly raised, showing a small section of her skin.
Her eyes look like the feeling of home, and it all causes a smile spreads across my face. She’s gorgeous.

  “What?” She asks, fixing her shirt.

  I snap out of it and shake my head. “Nothing, sorry. Want to finish this?”

  Thankfully, she doesn’t question it further. Instead, she nods and sits up before pulling the computer onto her lap. She starts to type up the report, since she’s faster at typing than I am. Apparently, my hunt and peck method is outdated.

  The two of us go over everything as she types our observations into the essay. I finally feel like we’re getting to the point where we could be considered at least acquaintances. However, that gets ripped away from me as soon as we finish.

  “Thank god!” She exclaims. “Now I don’t have to deal with you anymore.”

  I chuckle slightly, thinking she’s kidding. When she maintains a straight face, my heart sinks. “Seriously?”

  “Yes, seriously.” She sneers. “You couldn’t have possibly thought I wanted to be your friend, could you?” I bite my lip and swallow harshly. “Oh, you did.” She laughs. “That’s adorable.”

  I don’t understand the sudden change in attitude, but my defense mechanisms kick in immediately. “What the hell is wrong with you?”

  She rolls her eyes as if I’m an annoying pest. “You’re what’s wrong with me. Now leave, there’s no reason for you to be here.”

  Her words feel like taking an ice pick straight to the chest. I never thought someone not wanting to be around me could hurt so bad. Unsure of how long I can control my emotions, I quickly get up – grabbing my keys and my jacket. Just as I get to the door, I stop.

  “Fuck you, Kayleigh. And fuck me for ever thinking you’re something better than you are. Have fun starving yourself.” I growl and walk out the door, slamming it closed behind me.

  IF I’VE LEARNED ANYTHING over the past month and a half, it’s that I have no control when it comes to Kayleigh Jacobs. She’s the only person who can pull me in and push me away like I don’t matter at all. More importantly, she’s the only person who makes me give a shit about it – hence why I’m at this dingy bar. Thank God for turning 21 over the summer.