by Suzi Davis
I rose from the couch; I could take no more. I felt like I was suffocating, like I was drowning with no hope of ever breathing the fresh, sweet air again. Sebastian watched me move, his eyes wide with confusion and fear as I started to walk towards the door.
“Gracelynn, stop! Where are you going?” Sebastian called after me. I could hear the panic rising in his voice. I was afraid to see his expression and lose my strength so I didn’t turn around.
“I need to get out of here,” I mumbled, my voice thick, my words barely coherent.
“Let her go,” I heard Mags’ voice say.
Another spark of anger flared that I quickly smothered. She was right. He should just let me go. I picked up my pace, throwing open the apartment door and rushing out into the hall. I made it almost to the stairwell at the hall’s end before I collapsed to the floor, my head in my hands as my thoughts and emotions spun wildly around me and I struggled just to breathe.
I thought I wanted to be alone but I must have really just wanted to get away from her. Sebastian found me almost immediately. He sat down beside me and leant against the wall, waiting patiently for me to look up. He didn’t reach for me, didn’t touch me, he just waited until my breathing steadied and I slowly looked up to let my eyes meet his. We shared a look in silence – pain, regret and suffering dominating both of our expressions.
Sebastian looked away first. He pulled out a cigarette, lit it and offered it to me. I said no with a quick shake of my head.
The hall was eerily silent. Mags hadn’t followed us and there were no sounds or signs of any other tenants though the building appeared to be populated and well maintained. All I could hear was my shaky breathing and the crackling of Sebastian’s cigarette as the cherry flared brighter and burned up the tobacco and paper with each drag he took.
It was my turn to wait in silence. It wasn’t until he butted his cigarette out against the sole of his boot that I turned my head towards him. His expression was painful to see, his eyes burned with regret, his beautiful mouth so sad, the faint lines around his eyes and across his forehead deepened from stress and fear. He met my gaze steadily, allowing his pain to flood through his eyes and out from his soul.
“I’m so sorry, Gracelynn,” he whispered and I knew he meant every word.
I nodded, my eyes filling with more tears. In that moment, I hated myself so much. “I’m sorry too.” I slowly slid the beautiful, silver engagement ring from my finger. “I can’t accept this any more.” My voice was barely louder than a whisper but I knew he heard every word. I held the delicate ring out to him with my badly shaking hand.
“I won’t take it back. I love you. I still want to be with you, to marry you.” He lifted his hand towards my face but I quickly turned away, unable to bear the heartbreak that I was causing him. It hurt me more than he could ever know.
“I don’t see how you can anymore,” I replied sadly. The tears began to flood my eyes and I didn’t even try to stop them. They blurred my vision and choked my throat as I held the ring out to him again. This time I wasn’t quite able to meet his eye. “Please, take it.”
“No. It’s yours. Don’t do this Gracelynn, please. Just talk to me–”
“What choice do I have? You’re married, Sebastian, to Mags. And your love for me, your love for Caoilinn, it was all based on lies. Everything I’ve ever done has been wrong…”
“We don’t know that. I don’t believe that – I can’t.”
I glanced at him as he shook his head. I never should have looked. The tears that quivered on his lashes and washed through his beautiful eyes tore at my heart and soul. I could see the pain I was causing him and it was unbearable. I stuffed the engagement ring into my pocket and tried to take a slow breath. I needed him to accept the truth. I wanted him to be happy, even if it wasn’t with me.
“I’m leaving,” I quietly announced. His expression broke at my words, a silent ‘no’ of horror forming on his lips. I found myself whispering the words to him through the hot, salty tears that began sliding down my cheeks. “I want you to go back and talk to Mags. I want you to let me go. I just want you to have a chance at the happiness I don’t think I can ever give you.”
“Gracelynn, please,” he begged as I rose and began walking away once more. Only this time, I didn’t want him to follow me. This time, I knew what I had to do.
“I’m sorry,” I repeated before stepping out into the stairwell and rushing down the flights of stairs. With tears streaming down my face, I fled from Sebastian, from Mags, from the past and from the truth as fast and as far as I possibly could.
Chapter Eleven – Lost
I blindly wandered the streets of Berlin all day. I wanted to be ignored, to crawl under a rock and disappear, and so, not a single person looked my way. My moods flickered between numb disbelief, bitter anger and an all-consuming, broken-hearted sorrow. It was one of the worst days of my life and would have easily won the prize if it weren’t for the still fresh memory of Sebastian being nearly beaten to death last winter. I clung to that horrible memory, reminding myself that though this was bad, that day had been so much worse. I could survive this, I would survive.
I found myself buying a pack of cigarettes of all things and ended up lighting them one by one but never taking a puff. At some point the scent of cigarette smoke had become impossibly intertwined with my memories of Sebastian. There was something unexpectedly calming about watching a cigarette slowly burn itself out as the twists and curls of thin, gray smoke entwined themselves through the air.
The rain came and went throughout the day. Towards dusk, the raindrops began to fall more heavily, the sky darkening unusually early because of the thick, black clouds. I let myself get drenched, willing the icy drops to wash away my shame and pain, to erase all traces of the past that seemed to cling to me wherever I went. It was almost refreshing to splash through the puddles along the still-bustling, early evening streets. As raindrops soaked through my clothes and ran down my face, I began to feel increasingly at peace. There was turmoil still clawing away at my center and pain gnawing on the edges of my heart but I could accept it, for now. I could push it far enough away from my immediate thoughts that I could function, that I could think, that I could survive. And with this calmer, more rational sense of mind, I could see what I had to do. I had to go back.
I looked up from the puddle-strewn sidewalk before me and examined the building fronts that lined the streets. My subconscious mind must have already come to the conclusion I had only just consciously reached. I immediately recognized the route back to Mags’ apartment, I had been slowly making my way in the right direction for some time. I could make it back there now within an hour.
I walked faster, with more purpose having decided what I must do. The rain was starting to truly chill me now and my teeth began to chatter. I felt sick and depressed, and angry and afraid, and I couldn’t stop thinking about Sebastian and Mags who I’d left alone together all day. I hated to admit it, but I was jealous. I was so many things in that moment and it was impossible not to feel them all. I was hurt and confused. I was furious at myself for being so weak that I couldn’t stay away but at the same time, my heart was rejoicing that I was returning. I couldn’t be with Sebastian, not now, not in the same way as before but I allowed myself a small sliver of torturous hope that maybe, just maybe, we could still want to be together enough that fate would eventually find a way. I knew it was wrong to think it, I felt sick to my stomach that I wanted something so selfish and wrong and I couldn’t help but think I was behaving like Caoilinn but still… it was what my whole heart and soul wanted to believe.
I knew I had to focus my thoughts on Sebastian, on what was best for him. First and foremost, I had to ensure his safety and that meant staying with him and with Mags, and helping them to destroy the Others. I shuddered at the thought. No matter what, I wouldn’t kill one of them again – I couldn’t. Not even to save myself, not even to save Sebastian. There was still a dark shadow across my heart t
hat I knew would never see the light again. I had killed a piece of myself when I killed Walter and I would never, ever, be able to want another to die enough that I could make it happen again, despite now knowing the correct design the spell required.
The closer I came to Mags’ apartment, the clearer my thoughts became. As far as my heart went however… I was unsure. I loved Sebastian with everything I ever was and ever would be but suddenly, it didn’t seem to be enough. How could I trust him when there was so much of his past that I didn’t know, that I didn’t understand? I had thought it didn’t matter but now that the past was catching up to us, how could I pretend that it didn’t affect our future? And if his love for Caoilinn had truly all been a result of her magic manipulating his heart’s desires, if it were all based on lies, then could I trust that he really loved me now? Was I really what he wanted? I knew he thought he wanted to be with me but could he even trust himself? And then there was Mags… his wife. I could tell she loved him and she had been fighting for him, working to keep him safe for so long but could I really trust her? If she were the better choice for him, shouldn’t I step back and allow them their happiness? Shouldn’t I want Sebastian’s happiness more than my own? I thought I did but the idea of giving him up… it was difficult for me to consider for long.
It was later than I expected when I reached the door to Mags’ apartment. My pace had slowed with the complexity of my thoughts weighing down upon my conscience. I was tired, cold and hungry when I reached her door but relieved that it was late enough that there were no noises coming from within. I didn’t want to face either of them, not yet. And I was a little afraid of how I might find them, of how much they may have reconciled in my absence though I tried to convince myself that was what I wanted, that was what was best.
I quietly opened the unlocked door and silently closed it behind me. The lights were all off except for the single lamp in the living room that hung over Sebastian’s sleeping head. He was curled up on the floor beside the couch, his expression surprisingly peaceful in sleep and Mags was nowhere in sight.
There was an extra pillow and blanket carefully folded on the couch above him. I wondered how much he had hoped I’d return or if he had just known my practicality would eventually win through. He’d left enough space between himself and the couch that I could easily slide my body down beside his and beneath the warm blanket that covered him. It was inviting and tempting in a nearly-irresistible way. I watched him for a minute, admiring how handsome he was, how unconventional and yet undeniably attractive his features were. In the calm of sleep, it was easy to believe him to be nothing more than a peacefully resting, seventeen year-old boy. But he was so much more than that – so very much more.
I wanted so badly to crouch down beside him and to touch his face, to run my fingertips over his smooth cheeks and feel the soft curve of his lips. I wanted to look into his stunning eyes and lose myself, to tangle my fingers through his messy hair and hold myself as close to him as I dared. I wanted to hear his smooth and lilting voice. I wanted to tell him I was sorry, to beg him to run away with me and leave Mags and the past and everything else behind us, to let the Lost Magic remain lost forever. But as much as I wanted it, I knew that I couldn’t let any of that happen. For a long time I didn’t move, I didn’t speak a word.
I eventually slipped off my shoes and quietly tip-toed around him. As silently as possible, I unfolded the blanket left for me on the couch and wrapped myself in it. I didn’t bother to turn off the lamp, I was afraid the change in lighting might awaken Sebastian. Trying my best not to disturb him or upset the squeaky springs of the lumpy, old couch, I lowered myself down upon it and immediately closed my eyes.
It was the first time I had slept anywhere other than in Sebastian’s arms in months. I was cold, I was hungry and I was miserable. My exhaustion won through though and I felt myself rapidly falling towards sleep in dizzy, disorienting circles. And as I fell towards the black of unconsciousness, I couldn’t help but think angrily, Why, Caoilinn? Why would you do this to him? Why would you do this to me? Why?
THERE WAS A tap at my door; I briefly considered not answering it. I never received any visits from friends – I had no friends. There were few of the other Sisters who dared intrude upon my private quarters and the ones who did were never there for a pleasant reason. I was tired and I had wanted to go to sleep early that night while the memories of my afternoon visit with Seamus were still fresh in my mind. I could not ignore my duty though.
I opened the door with a barely suppressed sigh.
“Why are you disturbing me, Padraigin?”
The youthful-appearing Sister stared at me with her dull, brown eyes. She was always so calm, so collected in appearance. She was part of the upper-council that sat just below the High Priestess. She was one of the five whom I had been commanded to share the Lost Magic with. She was one of the few whom my sisterly-oaths demanded I obey. It irritated me to be bound by those oaths – they had been taken from me before I was old enough to truly understand what they meant.
“That’s hardly a proper welcome, Caoilinn,” Padraigin chastised with a slight frown. She glided into my room, taking the only seat available – my bed. “I have wanted to speak with you for several days now. It would appear that you want to avoid the council as of late.” She spoke in near-monotone, without a trace of emotion to her voice. There was an edge of suspicion to her words though that cut clearly through and pierced me with sudden uneasy fear.
“Appearances can be deceiving.” I casually leant against the wall across from her, preferring to stand and look down upon her than to sit on the cool, dirt floor at her feet.
Padraigin arched an eyebrow at me but did not immediately respond. I felt a tiny bead of sweat gathering at the nape of my neck. I deliberately kept my breathing slow and even, not allowing my true emotions to betray me for even a split second.
“Another Sister has been chosen to join us,” Padraigin announced after a long pause. I shifted uneasily. “She will be inducted into the temple with the next new moon. Her potential is great. She is a strong candidate to receive the Lost Magic.”
“There are already five other Sisters whom I have shared my gift with,” I began to object.
“It is not your gift,” Padraigin interjected, her voice stern. “The magic belongs to the Gods and you shall do what is required to please them. It is their will that you share their gift with your chosen Sisters.”
“Yes, Sister.” I bowed my head as I agreed, knowing it was wise to appear submissive. Inwardly, I fumed.
“You have been neglecting your duties as of late,” Padraigin continued. I raised my head to meet her gaze and found her large, brown eyes surprisingly sharp and piercing. “You spend too much time outside the temple and in the village. You invite temptation and you walk the lines of your oaths. We do not want you to fall upon the wrong side of those lines, Sister. It could be deadly.” She paused, letting the depth of her words sink in. I continued to hold her gaze, refusing to give anything away. “You have been warned. Even you are not above temple law, Caoilinn. The Gods and your Sisters will hold you accountable.”
I nodded my head in acquiescence. “I obey the Gods and their wants first and foremost, Sister; they guide my heart and my life. My will is theirs.”
I could see the frustration building in Padraigin’s eyes no matter how she tried to prevent it from showing on her face. I knew she was warning me to stay away from Seamus; somehow the Sisterhood had discovered the connection between us despite how strongly I wanted it to remain hidden and unobserved. I would admit to nothing though and I adamantly refused to listen, no matter how it might be in my best interests to do so. It was too late for me, there was no turning back no matter how dangerous the road.
“The Gods are always watching, Caoilinn.”
I didn’t respond. I merely stared back at Padraigin blankly as she rose and slowly exited my chamber, the door quietly closing behind her.
My heart was beating q
uickly with excitement and fear as she left. For once, I felt the full youth and naivety of my brief eighteen years of life. It was apparent that Seamus and I had run out of time. I had wanted to wait until the new moon to perform our mating ceremony but we now did not have spare time on our hands. The Sisters of the temple were already suspicious; how much they suspected and how much they knew no longer mattered, their suspicion alone was enough. I decided I must take Seamus as my mate that night, before any of the Sisters could try and stop me. I wasn’t afraid of them, their powers were no match for my own (that I had made certain of) but Seamus would be vulnerable until he had his own magic to protect him. Once we were mated, both my magic and his would protect us. It would buy us the time I needed to prepare our escape. I still didn’t plan on remaining any longer than a few more days.
I felt another rush of excitement as I considered what I was about to do. I had never dared defy the Sisterhood before – I had never truly considered breaking my oaths. I had never indulged my wants when I knew that they were wrong. I had never made such bold and risky moves and it was thrilling and liberating all at once. I couldn’t wait to be free from this place and to move forward and onward with Seamus at my side, into a bright and mysterious future that stretched endlessly before us.
