by Suzi Davis
The sun was already setting and I didn’t want to wait any longer, I couldn’t. I summoned Seamus to the clearing with my wants and began to make haste there myself. I slipped out of the temple easily and without attracting any attention or notice. The grounds within and around the temple were practically deserted anyway, most Sisters retreating inside for nighttime prayers, worship and meditation. I didn’t even bother to pull up the hood on the light cloak that I wore, I was so confident that the pure strength of my love and my magic would protect me. I was vaguely aware of the vanity of my thoughts but who could deny that I was the most powerful, the most talented and feared of all the Priestesses despite my lower position. And I was so close to having everything that I never even knew I had wanted. Was it so wrong to silently rejoice?
Seamus was already waiting for me in the clearing when I arrived. He sat cross-legged in the center, attempting to appear calm and patient but his true emotions were obvious. He leapt to his feet as he saw me approaching, his face brightening, his eyes intensifying in a way that stole the air from my lungs and left me dizzy and weak. He grinned as he stepped forward to meet me, taking up both of my hands in his.
“I’ve been sitting here for hours, hoping you might come,” he announced, “when suddenly I was struck by the overwhelming certainty that you would be here soon. It was so strange – I knew that I was exactly where you wanted me to be and that you wanted to be here too.”
He swept my hair back from my face with one hand as he spoke. For a second I found myself speechless and stunned, struggling to find the correct words as I was overwhelmed by his amazing, gray-blue eyes.
“I’m not sure that my magic works that way,” I told him, surprised by the breathless quality to my words.
“It does,” he assured me with another heart-stopping smile. I blinked, feeling slightly dazed as I smiled back at him. I forced myself to focus, reminding myself of why I was there and what must be done.
“Some of the Sisters in the temple are growing suspicious. It isn’t safe to wait any longer. If you are certain that you want to be my mate, it must be done tonight.”
Seamus’ eyes widened, his lips parted slightly. I could tell it was a lot for him to take in at once. He squeezed my hands, wetting his lips quickly before speaking.
“I am certain that I want to be your mate. I have never been so certain of anything in my life,” he assured me, his eyes steady and intense.
“But?” I waited but he didn’t respond, he continued to stare deeply into my eyes. My heart was already reacting to him, the beats rapid and uneven. “But you’re uncertain about the magic?” I guessed. “I was never given the choice, so I can’t imagine the weight of the decision. To choose to live forever, to have incomprehensible powers that are nearly limitless yet so restrictive to your nature, and to bind yourself to another for eternity… I imagine it’s overwhelming.”
Seamus gave me a wry smile. He leant forward and slowly kissed me, stealing my breath and thrilling my being with each sweet and subtle movement of his lips. I had to fight not to tremble in his arms. He brought his forehead to rest against mine, our faces so close our breaths intermingled with our words.
“There is no ‘but’, no hesitation. I am sure of what I want.”
“I don’t want you to harbor any regrets – they’ll be eternal ones,” I quietly warned. He smiled and started to kiss me again but I quickly pulled away, aware of the darkening night around us and the rising, silver moon.
“I’ve meditated on the matter every night since you first proposed that we mate and I think I’ve found a solution.” I slid off the ring that my mother had given to me, the only jewelry I ever wore, the only heirloom I possessed. It was bulky and roughly made, the metal twisted in and around itself to form a simple love knot. It was the design of the knot that had first given me the idea of using patterns to focus my magic and direct its purpose. I had recently made an adaptation to the ring. A small piece of amber was now pressed into its center, a chip from the teardrop shape of my necklace that appeared to form the shape of a tiny heart. It was my gift to him and my promise.
“The ring will be a part of our mating ceremony, both a symbol of our love and commitment and a carrier of an intricate spell. I never want you to regret your decision, I never want you to feel trapped by a choice that I wanted you to make and so this is your reassurance. If ever you come to regret the choices that you have made to be with me, if ever you no longer love me and return this ring to me, the magic I am about to bestow on you tonight will be broken and you shall return to the way you were before we met.”
“Caoilinn, this isn’t necessary,” Seamus objected. I silenced him by lightly placing a finger over his lips.
“If you won’t wear it to reassure yourself, wear it to reassure me,” I requested. He considered, then slowly took the ring from my hand. He silently slipped it onto his finger. It fit perfectly.
“Thank you,” I breathed as he accepted the ring, feeling a sense of calming relief wash over me. The ring helped to ease my guilt. It was a comfort to me to be able to offer him a choice when I had taken so many others away from him. If I ever performed the Binding though… I pushed the thought away. It was unlikely that it would ever come to that and I didn’t like to think about the consequences of having to make that decision. As long as he accepted and wore the ring, there would be a way out for him.
“Are you ready to begin?”
He silently nodded, his mood becoming as solemn as my own as the smile faded from his face. His eyes were bright beneath the moonlight, sparkling with anticipation and burning with the same fiery flames I could feel consuming my heart.
I had witnessed the mating ceremony many times. I had spoken the words and performed the rituals before countless young couples. I had never before understood their embarrassment to stand beneath the moon in their own skins, to join in the way that man and woman were designed and as the Gods and tradition demanded – until now. It was necessary though, not only as the central component of the mating ritual but also to provide the intimate connection necessary to share as much of my magic and ability with him as I could possibly allow. The magic within me demanded it, as did every cell in my body. I felt feverish and nearly possessed by my desire.
I fought the flush that was creeping into my cheeks and concentrated on keeping my hands steady and my eyes on the mossy ground as I slipped out of my robes. I heard Seamus’ breath catch at the sight of my milky skin glowing under the faint moonlight. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, tipped my head back and began to chant. The ceremony had begun.
I JOLTED AWAKE as my mind leapt forward two thousand or so years into the present. It took me a while to calm myself, to get both my breathing and my heart rate back under control. For once I wasn’t disoriented upon waking from the strange memory-dream; I knew exactly where I was. The instant I opened my eyes, the heavy sadness in my heart returned and all the horrible memories from the past twenty-four hours rushed back to me, slapping me in the face and washing my cheeks with shame.
It was dark in Mags’ living room. Someone had turned the lamp off during the night. I hoped it had been Sebastian and I wondered if he had watched me sleep for a while like I had been watching him. There was a very strong likelihood.
It was too dark to see the clock on the mantel but I guessed the time to be close to dawn. I decided to lay as still and silent as possible, to take some time to think and to plan before Sebastian and Mags awoke. I was sorely tempted to wake Sebastian myself so that I might have some time alone with him before Mags was up but I knew that wouldn’t be right, it wouldn’t be fair. I tried my best to push my selfish wants aside and to focus on the present, or rather how the past affected my present situation.
My dreams of Caoilinn were definitely becoming stronger and clearer as the past and present seemed to be so closely woven together. I was fairly certain this would be the last time I would remember Caoilinn as I had absolutely no desire to ever want to “be her” agai
n. The dreams hadn’t just become clearer and more detailed, it wasn’t just what I saw and said and heard when I was Caoilinn that affected me. It was what I felt, what I thought and what I knew when I was her, that terrified and sickened me.
Caoilinn was self-possessed, her ego strong and her confidence calm and cool. She was full of ancient wisdom and youthful naivety. She had faced so many hardships in her young life that once she met Seamus and that new, powerful passion had been awakened within her, she threw herself into the heady, passionate affair wholeheartedly and without thought. She quite clearly wanted to lose herself in her love for Seamus forever. She was deadly and dangerous. Caoilinn had loved Seamus, there was no doubt about that, but she had loved him selfishly, possessively, in a limitless way that knew no boundaries or at least she ignored any she encountered. She had felt guilt over her actions, true, but not enough to stop her from doing what she wanted.
A growing sense of dread and unease chewed at the edges of my stomach. The dream had confirmed much of what Mags had said. I had felt Caoilinn’s guilt and known her carefully guarded secrecy – even when she was with Seamus. I had shared her darker thoughts and sensed the deadly strength within her. I tried to swallow down the bile that was rising in my throat, bubbling and burning up from my gut.
Was Sebastian’s love for me based only on lies and deceit then? Had Caoilinn knowingly manipulated him? Had she taken him as her mate so that she could selfishly use her own magic to ensure he would never truly forget her or move on? Had she wanted him to live forever, constantly searching for her and to never be able to find happiness on his own just because of her own inconsiderate wants? Had she used him to escape from the hardships of her life without truly considering all the consequences of her actions? And then what about me? Was I no better than her? Had I been using my magic all along to bind Sebastian even more tightly to me? And my reluctance to sleep with him before we married; had I subconsciously known that once we were intimate I would be able to fully manipulate him with my magic? Was that why I had kept to my chastity so devoutly? Was I the one who hadn’t really wanted to get married that day? Was I afraid of what I might do? Or had I refused to sleep with Sebastian as just another way to control and manipulate him? At our cores, were Caoilinn and I the same after all?
No. I wouldn’t accept that, I couldn’t. I would not punish myself for her mistakes nor would I allow myself to make the same mistakes either. My heart was rapidly sinking and I could feel myself falling deeper and deeper into a black and bottomless pit of depression. The only way out, the only way to keep myself alive was to feed the tiny spark of anger within me. I clung to it, I encouraged it, I worked to let it grow and roar within my core.
I was furious. I was angry at Caoilinn and myself, for all the mistakes we had both made. How could I possibly ever think I deserved to be with Sebastian now? My only hope was to make it up to him, to try to right the wrongs that had been done, and to hope that maybe… no. It wasn’t fair to hope.
I wanted so badly to blame Mags for it all. I knew it was just jealousy, but a part of me deep down inside was screaming that she was the one to blame. I wanted to hate her. I wanted to lay the blame for all the terrible things that had happened lately at her feet but how could I? It was petty and childish and I knew it was wrong. Her love for Sebastian was undeniable. Her actions were obviously all motivated by her desire to help him, which I had to admire and appreciate even if her methods of helping him meant “protecting” him from me. But what if he did need her protection? The magic that was awakening inside of me was raw and powerful and overwhelming. I was trying my best to understand it, to control it but it scared me still. Even I wasn’t certain what I was capable of anymore. It was terrifying but I had to admit, I could no longer truly trust myself.
I tried to focus my rage, to redirect it. I understood all too well how powerful a weapon anger could be – and how unpredictable. I would never kill another human being again, I felt that it would kill me if I did but I would find a way to protect Sebastian and to destroy the Others. I would also help to fix the mistakes Sebastian had made in the past and then once I could give him the freedom to make a fresh start, I would let him follow his heart and hopefully make the choice that he truly wanted, whatever that might be. Until then, I would do nothing to influence, encourage or sway him. It was obvious to me now that we couldn’t have any type of relationship until this was all over with and behind us.
The weak morning light was starting to leak into the room around the thin curtain that covered the window. Sebastian’s breathing started to lighten, his eyelids fluttered as he began to stir. At almost the same time, I heard the sound of Mags’ bare footsteps enter the room.
Her eyes met mine immediately, the anger in them clear even in the low light. She froze, staring at me warily. I tried to push back the ugly, seething, jealousy that just her presence seemed to ignite. It didn’t help that all she wore was a skimpy, army green tank-top with no bra and a pair of very short, black, cotton shorts. Her thick, reddish hair was pulled up into a messy pony tail on top of her head, revealing the row of tiny studded earrings that lined the edges of both her ears.
“You’re back,” she stated, keeping the volume of her voice low. She made it sound like an accusation. She definitely looked annoyed to see me.
I didn’t answer, I just glared back at her. It was very difficult to remember that I needed her help to stop the Others. I sat up, the couch springs squeaking loudly.
“Gracelynn?”
We both turned at the sound of Sebastian’s sleepy voice. He was pushing himself up off the floor on one elbow, squinting at me in the near-darkness.
“I’m here.”
He breathed a sigh of relief. “I was afraid you might not…” he didn’t finish, the rest of his fears left hanging silently in the air. It was then that he seemed to sense we were not alone. He turned, peering between the couch and the armchair at Mags’ bare legs.
I fought the rising, painful throb of heartache in my chest. So it must have been Mags who had turned off the light then since Sebastian was surprised to see me. It was Mags who might have watched me in my sleep. The thought both angered and unnerved me.
“I need some coffee. Should I make a full pot?” Mags asked, breaking the quiet tension in the room.
“Yes,” Sebastian and I simultaneously responded. We started to share a smile and then both seemed to remember what we were doing. We couldn’t pretend things were the same anymore, they weren’t – they couldn’t be.
“I suppose it’s safe to assume you’ll be coming with us then?” Mags demanded as she began making the coffee. She didn’t bother looking my way as she spoke – I wasn’t surprised.
“I think you need me, don’t you?” I replied a little snippily.
“Yes,” Sebastian answered. “We need you.” He said it in a way that might have meant more, it was hard to tell. Mags slammed the lid on the coffee maker, drawing both of our attention back to her.
“Sebastian says you have money. We’ll need you to cover our travel costs. I want to be on a train and heading out of Germany by noon.”
“Are we going to Greece then?” I guessed.
“That’s where the Others will be. They’ll be waiting for us there,” Mags announced. She smirked as I visibly shivered. “Not feeling so tough this morning?”
“You should fill Grace in on some of the things you told me yesterday,” Sebastian announced quietly, ignoring Mags’ taunts. It was strange for him to be speaking in such a soft and defeated voice. He appeared unusually quiet and withdrawn this morning but I was too.
“Sure, I’ll get her all caught up,” Mags agreed. I was surprised by her sudden willingness. “You look like hell, Sebastian. Why don’t you go take a shower? You could obviously use one and I’ll have coffee and breakfast ready for you when you’re done.” Her obvious concern for him and her domestic tone irritated me all over again. Seeing hints of the tender side to her personality only made me feel more jealou
s and bitter. She seemed much happier and more relaxed around Sebastian today. They must have worked out some of their issues while I was gone. My gut twisted painfully at the thought.
“That actually does sound like a good idea. Gracelynn… do you mind?” Sebastian asked hesitantly.
“No, of course not. Maybe I’ll help cook,” I added. Mags frowned and for a second Sebastian looked like he was about to smile. He knew the chances of me cooking anything even remotely edible were slim-to-none.
He took his bag with him into the bathroom and minutes later we heard the shower turn on. It wasn’t until we were both certain he was out of ear-shot that Mags and I began talking.
“How much of Caoilinn’s life do you remember?” Mags waited impatiently for my answer, her green eyes hard, her lips pressed together tightly as she tapped one of her chipped, black fingernails against the countertop.
“Not much,” I admitted. “But it’s slowly coming back to me.”
She nodded, her expression turning thoughtful. “Sebastian told me about how you killed one of the Others’ latest recruits. Did you know he thinks Caoilinn is still alive inside of you?” She didn’t wait for my response. “He thinks it might have been her, not you, who killed Walter.”
“He’s wrong.” My voice came out chillingly cold. I met Mags’ piercing gaze with one of my own. She looked away almost immediately.
“He said he spoke to her, after it happened. That she spoke through you…?”
I didn’t answer. I felt angry and hurt that Sebastian had shared so much with Mags, that he had described to her that shameful moment that haunted and tormented me still.
“If Caoilinn is still such a strong part of who you are, how can I trust you? I’d have to be as crazy as Sebastian and I assure you, I’m not. If Caoilinn’s still alive within you somewhere and able to control your actions, how can we trust anything you do or say?”
