Mine

by S. A Partridge

  Outside, I stand against the wall and breathe heavily. Memories of the day my mother left surge to the surface. I was six years old and I was standing right here, on this stoep. They had been fighting again. He’d slapped her in the face with a kitchen towel. He’d never struck her before, even though the threat had always been there. He usually reserved the beatings for me. He would break all our stuff. Shout. Call us leeches.

  I don’t know why she left me behind. Why she’s never come back for me.

  Maybe she already knew I was cut from the same cloth as the old man.

  I’m dizzy as I walk to the gate and direct myself towards the taxi rank. I don’t want to be like my father. But it’s too late for that.

  This side of the mountain is hazy, unlike the green slopes you can see from Kayla’s place. I don’t want to be stuck here my whole life.

  Kayla

  RONDEBOSCH, MONDAY

  There’s a compulsory sports match after school, which means I can’t see Fin as soon as I’d like to. Time drags when we’re apart, but dissolves as soon as we’re together. I can’t believe it’s three weeks today since we first kissed at the movies … I really want to see him, but I’m not sure if he feels the same. Guys always go off you when you’re too into them.

  It’s so not fair. I’m not even taking part this afternoon, but I have to change into my PE clothes anyway, so I can shout ra-ra crap with the rest of the dumb school and show some team spirit. I head to the bathroom near the netball courts, knowing that the inside bathrooms will be full of harpies. As happy as I am, I doubt my good mood will last among that crowd.

  I push open the door to discover a blissfully abandoned bathroom. I toss my gym bag onto the floor and kick off my shoes. I’m feeling so good that I spin on the spot, pirouetting like a dancer. I wanted to be a ballerina when I was little, but Lorenda had her own weird reasons for saying no.

  Whenever I think about Fin, all my childhood dreams start flooding back. I want to draw again so I can create my own comics, and dance. I want to go to the beach and splash around in the water and do cheesy touristy crap in Cape Town because I finally have someone to go with.

  My phone beeps and I’m reaching down for my bag when a hand touches my waist from behind. I shriek and spin around.

  “Craig! What are you doing in here?” I ask, backing away.

  He gives me a look that says he’s got one thing on his mind, and one thing only.

  “What do you think I’m doing in here? I followed you.”

  “Well, get out. Did you not notice the giant sign that says ‘Girls’ outside?”

  “You know, Kayla, you’ve been really nasty to me lately. Ever since you got that boyfriend, you’re walking around thinking you’re better than me. I was nice to you. You forget that. We could have had something.”

  I can’t help but laugh. “You never wanted to be with me. You didn’t even want anyone to know about us. You talked about me to your friends behind my back.”

  “I’m a guy, Kayla. That’s what we do. It’s the game. You know the game, don’t you?”

  “No, I don’t. And I don’t want to. You’re an asshole. And a hypocrite. You only want me now that I’m not interested in you.”

  He crosses the room and pulls me against him, starts to kiss me.

  “Get off me.” I wriggle out of his grip.

  He backs away and lifts his hands in the air. “I’m sorry. You do something to me, Kayla. You’re so hot, I can’t help it. I can’t stop thinking how good we were together. You knew what I liked, I knew what you liked. You’re so beautiful, do you know that?”

  I stare at him in disbelief. “You were never nice to me. Ever.”

  “I was an idiot. I guess I was too frightened to let you know how I really felt. You know what’s it like here – if people knew that I loved you …”

  “What?”

  “Never mind. I should go. You and this guy probably have a real connection. He’s lucky. I hope he treats you well, that he pleases you as much as I tried to.”

  A flicker of something must show on my face, because Craig stops and looks at me quizzically. “I mean, he does, doesn’t he? A guy’s got to take care of a lady’s needs.”

  All my worries and fears come back tenfold. Fin refuses to go all the way with me, always keeps me at arm’s length. I’m just a kid to him.

  I’m unattractive. Hideous. I’ve just needed someone else to call it out.

  And now that Craig has, I know it’s true.

  Does everyone know? Has Fin being speaking about me?

  “I know you, Kayla. And you know the power you have over me.”

  Craig closes the distance between us and kisses me again. I don’t resist, even though I know it’s wrong. I need to feel wanted and this is so familiar.

  We go into a cubicle and lock the door. I go still and silent. The only part of me that moves is my chest as my heart attempts to explode through my sternum. I shouldn’t be doing this, but I can’t stop.

  “That’s it,” he says.

  *

  Need to see you. Catch you at your place.

  I walk home quickly, not caring if I get caught for bunking the stupid sports match. I only read Fin’s message after leaving Craig. I feel like I’m going to be sick.

  Oh god, what am I going to tell him? What if he’s somehow found out?

  I see him standing on the street corner and my eyes tear up.

  What have I done?

  When I see the fresh blood on his face, I start running.

  “Fin!” I dive into him, crying. He’s crying too. His face is all cut open and raw. All the air rushes out of me. “What happened?”

  He sniffs. Wipes his nose with his hand. “Had a fight with my … my dad. Needed to see you.”

  I take his hand and lead him into the house, which is mercifully empty. He slips into my bed and pulls the covers over himself. It must take a lot for angry, brave Thor to admit that his own father beat him up.

  I go to the bathroom to wet some towels for his face and quickly jump in the shower to wash away the evidence of my crime. I can’t believe this is happening.

  I feel hollowed out and my whole body is shaking uncontrollably. I can’t tell him now. Or ever. If he asks, I’ll just tell him I’m sweaty from sports. He’ll believe me. He has to.

  I quietly step out the shower and wipe my hand across the bathroom mirror. My pupils are large. Scared. This isn’t my fault. Craig tricked me and I fell for it. Again.

  “Fuck them all,” I say. I don’t recognise my own expression.

  When I emerge from the bathroom, he’s lying on the bed with his arms at his sides. I sit next to him and he pulls me right down so my head rests against his chest.

  “I’m not like him,” he whispers.

  “I know.” I try to smile, feeling like a complete fake. It’s a miracle he can’t see through it.

  He lifts up my head so that our eyes meet. “No matter what happens, I won’t leave you. I won’t do that. My life is so messed up – I don’t want that to happen to you.”

  I wish he hadn’t just said that.

  I am a human black hole.

  I’m Galactus.

  I swallow. “You’re not like him. You’re a good guy, Fin.”

  He smiles and shakes his head. “I come from an unholy family. There’s no hope for me. But having you in my life makes it better.”

  My lungs are in my throat. “I love you,” I whisper.

  He smiles. “Not as much as I love you.”

  Nine days, Fin? It took you nine fucking days.

  I close the curtains. How dare the sun shine today.

  LORENDA MAKES MACARONI and cheese for dinner with sliced tomatoes and black pepper on top. It used to be my favourite. We’re not the type of family that eats dinner together at the table – Lorenda and Jerome eat in the lounge in front of the TV. Fin and I eat in my room, on the bed, my laptop propped open in front of us.

  I watch him gulp down his food and laugh wi
th his mouth full while he watches Rick and Morty. I’ve tried a mouthful, but it tastes maggoty on my tongue. I feel like a stranger in my own room, watching a video of what my life should be like.

  Later, when I leave Fin to sleep on the couch, I return to my room and hunt for my diary at the back of my drawer.

  What I did to Fin cannot be undone. No matter what he says, he won’t forgive me if he knew. He doesn’t think I’m capable of doing something so bad.

  It just shows. He doesn’t know me. Not at all. But do I even know myself?

  Clearly not. I’m so broken, I can’t even see when I’m being taken for a fool. I’m so broken I can’t help fooling myself.

  What I did today was inexcusable, and the sooner Fin realises I’m trash, the better. No one deserves me in their life. I destroy everything I touch.

  What happens when true happiness gets taken away? What’s the point of life when you only get a taste of what it should be like?

  I don’t know if I can live without him.

  But I’m going to have to learn soon enough.

  Finlay

  LANSDOWNE, TUESDAY

  I stayed over at Kayla’s on the couch. Her folks didn’t give her too much grief over it – I think they realised something was up. I come home to change into my uniform and find all my stuff lying on the grass in the front garden, which means the old man has kicked me out. So much for going to school. I pick up my speaker and mixer and carry them on my lap in the taxi to Brendan’s place.

  “Where’ve you been, bru? I messaged you yesterday.”

  “Wasn’t around,” I say.

  He notices my face and frowns. There’s a black scab on my lip and my right eye is swollen closed. “What happened to you?”

  “Got in a fight,” I say, as I lower my gear. “I need to keep my stuff here for a bit. The old man threw me out. Says I get into too many fights and I can only come back when I calm down. You know how parents are?” It’s so easy to lie, but I’ve been keeping up this same charade for years.

  “Yeah. That’s bleak man. No problem.” For a second, Brendan looks doubtful, like he’s afraid of me.

  I stare at him for a long time. “What’s going on, man? We used to be tight. What the hell happened?”

  Brendan looks everywhere but at me.

  “Is it because of Jules? Because I never wanted that, man. And she was always on my case. I didn’t want to be that guy.”

  “I just … she’s my little sister, man.”

  “I know. That’s why I never wanted to go there. I would never hurt her.”

  “But you did.”

  Ah. There it is. We stare at each other for a long time.

  “I’m sorry. Was I supposed to date her until she got sick of me? I never liked her that way.”

  “Yeah, I know,” he says. “Look, you can stay here. Of course you can stay here. At least you’ll be on time for practice if we’re under the same roof.”

  We hug it out and I relax for the first time in days. “So you’re not blowing the crew?” I ask.

  He laughs. “No, man. I was just pissed at you. Whatever. Let’s go smoke a joint.”

  It feels good to have cleared the air – Brendan’s always been uncomplicated like that. We practise some new tracks for the festival this weekend. It’s a big deal and there will be thousands of people watching. When all eyes are trained on you, you can’t screw up on that stage – you have to perform. Keep them jumping. Keep those hands up in the air.

  In the afternoon, Jerome drops off Kayla to watch us for a while, but she gets bored and goes to practise her flute in the spare room, where I’m going to be sleeping. She’s been weird since yesterday. Quieter than usual. I think my showing up a bleeding mess freaked her out a bit. Maybe I shouldn’t have waited so long to tell her how I feel. It’s just, I’ve always thought if you say it too much it takes away some of its magic.

  After she gets picked up, the crew and I spend the rest of the night working on new music. Bones plays us some tracks he’s created to go with the new lyrics. It sounds sick.

  Brendan is nervous about going on main stage. DJ keeps trying to boost him.

  “You gotta act like you’re a Hollywood star. Do that thing you and Thor did the other night where you face each other and rap battle. That was epic.”

  “Yeah, yeah, we can do that,” says Brendan, biting what’s left of his nails, tearing away strips of skin with his teeth.

  “And get the techies to synch the lights to your music. So, like, if there’s a pause in the track, pause the lights at the same time. The crowd loves that stuff.”

  “Yeah, sounds good.”

  By one am, I am super-stoked for the show. Now that I know everything is on track with Dark Father, I can breathe again. Fuck the old man – it’s time I got out of there anyway. And school is only a few months longer. I might even pass matric this time. Show Reynolds that I’m worth something. Maybe the crew is really going to make it big and we can start earning some proper cash. I’m going to prove them all wrong.

  I’m almost excited for the future. For the first time in my life, I feel I can actually make something of myself. If I hadn’t met Kayla, I don’t know if any of this would be possible. I message her before I head to bed in the early hours.

  I love you. xxx

  She doesn’t reply. She’s probably sleeping.

  Kayla

  STELLENBOSCH, SATURDAY

  We’ve set up our tiny tent under one of the tall trees in the artists’ camping area. Looking at it, I can’t believe Fin and I are going to be sleeping there together, snuggled up nice and close.

  I want to forget about what happened with Craig … pretend it was a bad dream. Out here in the Stellenbosch winelands, it almost feels like I will be able to.

  Fin dumps the rest of our stuff on the ground and wipes his Ray-Bans on his shirt before taking a long drink of water from a sports bottle.

  “You want some? It’s baking and we’re gonna be out here all day.”

  “I’m okay, thanks.”

  He tosses me a towel. “I need a swim.”

  “What about our stuff?”

  He shrugs. “It’ll be fine. C’mon.”

  I can’t believe I’m here with him. We follow a long line of people carrying towels and lilos down a narrow path to the dam. In the week I managed to convince Lorenda to buy me a new bikini for the festival. I can’t believe she actually said yes or that I could come.

  When we get to the bank, I push Fin into the water before he even has a chance to put the towels down, and jump in after him.

  “You little witch,” he says, laughing and splashing me.

  I jump on his back and take us both down. It feels like we’re back to where we should be. Fin and Kayla goofing around. My fear is slowly dissolving and I’m happy again. The clouds are distant white specks behind the gently swaying trees. It’s paradise.

  Fin pulls off his soaked shirt and throws it on to the bank. I bite my lip as I check out his chest, and he mocks me by doing exactly the same thing to me. We laugh and go back to splashing each other. From the electronic tent there’s a loud thumping that hasn’t stopped since we got here. I’m a bit nervous to be at my first festival, but excited as well because Fin and I are together – there’ll be no goodbyes, no waiting hours to see each other again. I can’t wait to wake up together like a normal couple.

  We spend the rest of the afternoon hiding from the sun underneath a Bedouin tent with the crew, drinking and talking crap. I’m resting my head on Fin’s shoulder. He’s laughing at something Brendan’s saying through a cloud of smoke.

  I honestly have no idea what they’re talking about – they’re comparing notes on some rival crew that’s also performing at the festival, discussing how the frontman is a total idiot. I’m looking out towards the vast city of tents when my eyes single out a familiar face a little way off. My chest collapses in on itself like a falling building – it’s Craig.

  I quickly look away and pull the fla
p of my cap lower over my face. Fin is still deep in conversation. I risk another look and see that all of Craig’s friends are here too. And not only that – they’re chatting to a group of girls. Including Lucinda.

  I turn back to the crew and realise Fin’s just asked me something. “Sorry, say that again,” I say.

  “What’s the name of that famous chick, the one with the horse’s face?”

  “I have no idea.”

  He turns back to Brendan. “Anyway, his girlfriend looks just like her.”

  I join in the laughter that follows but I can’t shake the tension bunched at the back of my head, like something bad is going to happen. Seeing Craig and Lucinda together does not bode well for me. Where Lucinda is, Julia won’t be far away. And the second Julia finds out about me and Craig, my fate is sealed.

  Thankfully, none of them sees us, and they drift away, but I’m on edge after that. It’s impossible to enjoy myself, even if I force myself to. The day has lost all its magic.

  DARK FATHER IS one of the headliners scheduled for an evening slot, so we only start making our way to the main stage after dark. Fin and I walk over hand in hand. I’ve covered my head with my hood, not because of the cold wind blowing down from the mountains, but because I don’t want Craig or anyone else from school to spot me.

  “Can I come backstage with you? I don’t mind watching from the side of the stage. There’s just too many people out here.”

  Fin raises an eyebrow. “Okay.” He’s wearing the black hoodie he always wears when he performs. It’s got the band’s logo on the back in lumo, so that it shines in the dark.

  My heart begins to hammer. Julia and Lucinda are waiting at the entrance to the backstage area. I want to dig my feet into the ground to stop us getting there, but Fin keeps moving us forward.

  “I just wanted to wish you good luck,” Julia says, beaming at her brother.

  Suddenly, Lucinda’s at my side. “I hear the netball team weren’t the only ones who scored on Monday.”