Swell Foop

by Piers Anthony

  "Bright bird," she agreed tightly.

  They followed Anna down several sagging flights of steps. Sim was afraid that the stairs could not support the weight of the two centaurs, but they turned out to be stronger than they looked. Indeed, the castle was stronger than it looked, Sim remembered from lessons. Its seeming oldness was largely magical, and had been from the day it was constructed.

  They were met on the ground floor by a comely old woman. "Why, hello, Che and Cynthia," she said warmly. "And Sim, the most beautiful bird in Xanth. But whatever brings you here?"

  "We are glad to see you, Millie," Che said. "We have need of the Six Rings of Xanth. We understand that only the zombies know where they are."

  Millie the Ghost, as she was still called though her ghostly days were long gone, paused. "This must be something Jonathan knows about."

  "We hope so," Cynthia said.

  "Let me fetch him. Come into my parlor." She brought them into the section of the castle that she maintained zombie-free. It was completely clean, and there was no smell of rot. It was a relief.

  While she was away, they consulted. "Do you think he will know?" Cynthia asked. "If we never heard of the Rings or the Foop, maybe he hasn't, either."

  "He must have," Che said, but he did not seem completely certain.

  "The Good Magician would not have given Cynthia this mission if it wasn't possible to accomplish," Sim squawked.

  "But he didn't want to give it to me."

  Then Millie returned with the Zombie Master. "You are looking for the Rings of Xanth?" he asked. "Why?"

  "The Good Magician says the Demon Earth needs to be rescued, and the Simurgh says we need the Swell Foop, and to find it we need the Six Rings, and only the zombies know where they are."

  "This is true. Even I do not know, but there are zombies who do." He glanced at Sim. "This is an extremely ambitious project. Your mother supports this?"

  "Yes," Sim squawked. "She wants me to start small. To practice for the big one later."

  "Like saving the universe," the Zombie Master agreed. "This is a mere world or two."

  "Yes."

  "Nevertheless, I think you will need some help."

  "Why?"

  "Because this group consists of only three people. You will need six to handle the Rings."

  "Six?" Cynthia asked. She had evidently forgotten their prior dialogue on this subject. That was because she had not been a centaur all her life.

  "Each Ring requires the full attention of one person to use it. They must be used together to handle the Swell Foop. Therefore there must be six people to complete the mission."

  "But I thought I was supposed to rescue the Demon Earth myself, once we get the Rings," Cynthia said, dismayed. "It's nice of Che and Sim to help me, but I couldn't ask anyone else to get involved. The Good Magician said it's dangerous."

  "Fortunately I am not restrained by any such consideration," the Zombie Master said. "As it happens, Millie and I are about to retire, and Castle Zombie will be occupied by a new couple. They need to gain experience, and this should be excellent practice." He went to the door and called. "Justin! Breanna! This one's for you."

  "Justin and Breanna!" Cynthia exclaimed. "Of course! She just turned eighteen, so they can marry."

  "That may have to wait," the Zombie Master said. "The Demon Earth's magic is gravity, and Xanth needs that almost as much as Earth does."

  "They might float away during the ceremony," Sim squawked, laughing.

  "So might the rest of us," Che said, not finding it as funny.

  Another person appeared at the door. Justin Tree was no longer a tree, but a completely ordinary man, so that it was not possible to notice such details as the color of his hair or eyes or the size of his nose. He looked about twenty-one, but had a courtly aspect. "A salutation to each of you," he said. "I believe we met at Jenny's wedding."

  "I don't remember that," Cynthia said.

  "I was with Breanna at the time."

  "But she attended alone."

  Che interceded. "He was with her-in her mind."

  "Oh." Cynthia managed to blush. It was another remnant liability dating from her time as a human being. It was embarrassing, but Che claimed to like this aspect of her personality. So did Sim; it was amusing.

  Breanna of the Black Wave appeared. She had lustrous waist-length black hair, glowing green eyes, and the rest of her was duskily appealing in the human manner. "What's this about delaying our wedding?" she demanded with moderately masked outrage. "It's taken me three years to nail Justin down, and now he's going to get a reprieve?"

  That was of course a pose. Everyone knew that the last thing Justin wanted was a reprieve from Breanna.

  "These folk must try to save the Demon Earth," the Zombie Master explained. "They need your help, and since it involves liaison zombies, it seems you two are elected."

  "The Demon Earth! Why the bleep should we try to help him? He tried to trap the Demon Xanth in Mundania and ruin Xanth. He's no friend of ours."

  "You underestimate the gravity of the situation," the Zombie Master said.

  Cynthia tried to stifle a titter, and Sim clamped his beak shut to avoid a hilarious squawk.

  "What's so funny?" Breanna demanded with barely subdued annoyance. She had been a pretty girl at innocent fifteen; now in her more mature irritation she was darkly beautiful.

  "I believe he refers to the magic of the Demon Earth," Justin said. "This relates to gravity, which is vital to Earth, and convenient in Xanth."

  "Without gravity, your skirt would fly up," Sim squawked, losing the battle of amusement. Human maidens were inordinately sensitive about such details. "Something might show." Why human women insisted on wearing skirts, or, for that matter, panties, was another minor mystery Sim had not yet fathomed.

  She fired a dusky glare at him. "I knew that, Birdbrain!"

  Che looked as if he were biting his human tongue, and even Millie averted her fair old face. They knew that Sim was not only the most beautiful but also the smartest bird in Xanth, after his mother. Breanna knew it too, but she was a respecter of little that wasn't black, as a matter of principle. It was a privilege to be mildly insulted by her.

  "It seems that the Demon Earth has been abducted or imprisoned or somehow confined, and with him the force of gravity is hostage," the Zombie Master said. "He may not be our favorite Demon, but if it falls on us to restore him to his normal place, self-interest behooves us to do this. Cynthia Centaur has been assigned by the Good Magician to accomplish this mission."

  "And I need a whole lot of help," Cynthia said.

  "But Justin and I are about to get married," Breanna said. "At long lengthy last. He has escaped this fate too long already. Find someone else to help." She caught Justin's hand and squeezed it. He showed signs of melting.

  It was clear that if his fiancée told him to jump through a flaming hoop or to chew on a stink horn, Justin would make his best effort. Breanna was completely in charge of his situation, and she knew it. It would require a monstrously compelling reason to make her postpone the nuptial.

  "Che and Sim are helping," the Zombie Master said. "But they must locate the Swell Foop, which can be done only by the use of the Six Rings of Xanth, which in turn are hidden. Only the zombies know their locations. Therefore a liaison to the zombies is required. Millie and I are a bit old for such activity."

  "And you're retiring," Breanna said, a small black cloud forming over her head. "So we have to do it." A tiny jag of lightning speared out in his direction. It didn't reach him, but it didn't fall short by much.

  "I did think it would be good experience," he agreed, unperturbed. Evidently he had come to know Breanna well in the past year or so. "And, knowing your generous nature-"

  The cloud exploded, drenching her glossy tresses with a bucket of rain. "That's not fair! You're using false flattery." Fortunately the water was soon steaming away from her hot head.

  "Flattery, yes. False, no. When did you ever let
a friend down?"

  "All right! We'll help find the stupid Rings." She turned on Justin. "But that will be only a brief respite. As soon as they have their Rings, you're sunk."

  "I was sunk the day I met you," Justin murmured fondly.

  "For sure." Breanna spun to face Sim. "Your mother's in on this, right? I never heard of these Rings, let alone this swelled poof, and I'll bet hardly anybody else has, either, but she knows everything."

  "Yes," Sim squawked.

  "So how does a zombie know about a ring? Which zombie is it?"

  Sim shrugged his wings.

  She rolled her eyes, making miniature cataracts form. Fortunately their wild water faded almost as fast as it flowed, and did not interfere with her vision. "So we have to figure out which zombie. I should have known. Well, let's get on it. I want to get this done today so we can schedule the wedding for tomorrow. Come on." She whirled and led the way out of the castle.

  "That's some human woman," Che murmured as they set out after her.

  "I believe my zombies will be well represented after my retirement," the Zombie Master agreed. "Justin is a fine and knowledgeable man with good judgment, but some fire is also good, and she has that in excellent measure."

  Sim could only agree. But he wondered how Breanna would react when she discovered that she would have to wield one of the Rings, surely extending her participation and further delaying the wedding. They all might need lightning rods and raincoats.

  They walked out the sagging front gate and across the warped drawbridge. Once they were beyond the moat, Breanna put two fingers into her mouth and made a piercing whistle. Soon zombies were shuffling in from all around. It was an impressive if macabre sight. Some zombies were relatively fresh, but others were in abysmal state. Sim knew that it depended not on the length of time they had been subject to this condition, but on their state of decomposition when they had been made zombies. A zombie never really changed form, though constantly sloughing off moldering bits of itself. That was part of their magic: to live their halflives interminably, neither fully alive nor fully dead. Sim could not think of a worse situation for a person to find himself in. Surely full death would be better.

  "I dread this," Cynthia murmured, mostly to herself.

  Breanna heard her. "Why, wing-mare? Because you have to work with zombies?"

  "Well-"

  "Zombies are people too, you know. They serve Xanth loyally, and don't deserve to be stigmatized."

  "Oh, I wouldn't think of-" Cynthia started somewhat lamely.

  "And they aren't all rotten. Some are very fresh, so you wouldn't even know they're zombies if you weren't told. If you took the trouble to get to know them-"

  "Cynthia apologizes for any inadvertent slur," Che said. "Her mind is distracted by the magnitude of the task ahead."

  "I will try to get to know a zombie well," Cynthia said apologetically.

  "Okay." Breanna let it go, this time. Sim made a mental note never to imply anything negative about a zombie, at least while in Breanna's vicinity.

  Sim took a brief walk while waiting for the zombies to assemble. He didn't fly, because that would suggest that he was trying to get away from the company of zombies, and after the way Breanna lit into Cynthia about that, he knew better. So he walked and hopped along, exploring the region, for he was interested in everything and more.

  He spied two human girls looking at a brownish pool. "Hello," he squawked.

  They jumped. "Don't gobble us up!" one cried. "We don't mean any harm."

  He realized that they had not understood him. That was what came of walking alone, instead of having Che near to translate for strangers. He stopped moving, doing his best to look innocuous.

  "Oh, you're just a bird," one girl said, reassured. "A big chick." Sim nodded.

  "A beautiful one," the other agreed. Sim tried to blush, but couldn't manage this human expression. His feathers got in the way.

  "We'll introduce ourselves," the first girl said. "We're twins, twelve years old. I'm Mol, and this is Ly."

  "I'm Sim," Sim squawked.

  "We do springs," Mol said.

  "But it's random," Ly added.

  "Squawk?"

  They laughed. "That confuses everyone, even us," Mol said. "It's like this: I can make springs, but there's no telling what kind they will be. I mean, they can be water, or green jelly, or castor oil." She made a face. No one liked the oil from the wheels on chairs.

  "And I change those springs," Ly said. "But I'm random too. So I might change her jelly to happiness elixir, or purple grunge. I wish we could control it, but we can't."

  "I just made this one," Mol said, looking at the pool.

  "But we don't know what it is," Ly said. "We don't want to just leave it here if it's bad. But how do we tell?"

  "You see, we can make springs, but we can't unmake them," Mol said.

  "We have to leave them where they are," Ly said. "If they aren't too bad. We left one in the Ever-glades that's a mere."

  "A what?" Sim squawked.

  "It makes you feel insignificant," Mol explained.

  "We didn't like leaving it," Ly said, "but at least it's out of the way."

  Obviously they needed help. Sim poked his beak cautiously into the pool. And got kicked in the tail.

  Startled, he looked at the girls, but they were not close enough to kick him. No one was. So he tested the pool again, this time watching his tail, and got kicked again-by nothing.

  A bulb flashed. "Boot rear!" he squawked. It was a popular drink, though somewhat wild.

  "Oh, thank you," Mol said. Evidently they were coming to understand him.

  "I'll change it," Ly said. She focused, and the pool changed from brownish to greenish.

  Sim dipped his beak again. This time nothing booted his tail. "Lima soda," he squawked.

  The girls exchanged twin glances. "Let's leave it at that," Mol said.

  "Yes, it won't hurt anyone," Ly agreed.

  "We have to go now," Mol said.

  "Thank you so much," Ly said.

  Sim nodded and gave them a parting squawk. Then he returned to the zombie gathering.

  At last the assembly was complete. There was an astonishing number of zombies of every type-human, animal, and crossbreed. Several were birds. Some did indeed look fully alive, with no rot showing.

  "Now pay attention, friends," Breanna said loudly, showing no aversion to either the sight or the stench of the throng. "We need your help."

  The zombies focused on her as well as they could. Some had rotten eyes, and most had rotten brains, so their attention was not universally great, but they tried. It was clear that they had come to know her and like her to the extent they were able. Sim wasn't sure exactly why she had decided on this odd profession, but she seemed to be good at it. When all were listening, Breanna nodded to Justin.

  "We have a need to locate the Swell Foop," Justin said. "Its nature need not concern you. In order to locate it, we must have the Six Rings of Xanth. We understand that only you know where the Rings are."

  The zombies looked around in confusion. They did not seem to know anything about this.

  "Maybe Xeth knows," Breanna said. "Where is he?" Then she answered her own question. "Of course-he's in his palace. We'll go there."

  Xeth was the king of the Zombies, Sim knew. Justin Tree and Breanna of the Black Wave were to take over Castle Zombie, to serve as the liaison between the zombies and the living folk, but they did not govern the zombies. Xeth and his wife Zyzzvya did. Their palace was a bit apart from the common run of zombies, so they had not heard the whistle.

  The five of them trooped through the forest until they came to a well-kept structure shaped like a military barracks. The trees and shrubs in its vicinity were lined up in a square formation, the largest at one corner, the smallest at the opposite corner, and the ones between changing size evenly. Everything was in perfect military order.

  Breanna approached the door and touched the brightly polished bra
ss doorknob. "King Xeth," she called. "Queen Zyzzvya-may we speak with you?"

  The door opened and an attractive human woman stood there. No, Sim realized after an instant as his sharp bird's eyes caught the detail. She was a zombie, a very fresh one, with no rot showing. She must have been zombied within hours after death. She was proof of Breanna's statement about the variability of the type. She wore a sword, and was evidently an amazon woman. "Why, hello, Breanna. What is your concern?"

  "We need to find the Six Rings of Xanth, and only the zombies know where they are, but the folk around the castle don't seem to know. I thought you and Xeth might be able to help us."

  "I can help you with one, if you truly have a need-to-know," Zyzzvya said.

  A very-well-preserved male zombie wearing a crown appeared behind her. This was King Xeth. "And I can help you with another," he said. He glanced at his wife in surprise. "But I did not know you had a Ring."

  "I did not know you did, dear," she replied.

  "I have always known; my mother taught me when I was young. But you have not been a zombie very long."

  "Just long enough to meet you, dear." She turned back to Breanna and the others. "But this is not good protocol; we must properly entertain our visitors."

  "My wife has military discipline," Xeth told the group. "She was a warrior in life. She has some excellent zombied pickles, and sourbread with sour cream spread." He spoke with a barely noticeable lisp; his tongue evidently had a trace of rot.

  "We have no need of entertainment," Sim squawked quickly. He regarded himself as reasonably tolerant, but somehow zombie food did not appeal. "We wish to locate the Rings as soon as possible." Then Breanna speared him with a dark glance. He had just violated his resolution! "But perhaps a beakful to eat would be good."

  Zyzzyva brought out a plate of appetizers, and they all tried them. They turned out to be quite good.

  "The location of each Ring is known to but a single zombie," Xeth said. "No one knows who that is. But I can find the zombies in a few hours. I will send out messengers to question every zombie, and to summon the Ringers here."

  "A few hours!" Breanna exclaimed, evidently appalled by the delay. But in half a moment she caught herself. "Of course, and thank you, King Xeth. Meanwhile, will you and Zyzzvya be able to help us with the first two?"