Swell Foop

by Piers Anthony

  Then at the foot of the steps she spied a handkerchief. "That looks like Justin's!" She picked it up and sniffed it. "It is Justin's. He's here!"

  "Where?"

  They looked carefully, but none of the dancers looked like Justin. In fact, they all looked the same: The men were identical, and the women were too.

  "These are robots or illusions," Breanna said.

  "I must kiss someone," Venus repeated longingly.

  "I wonder if Justin could be hidden among them, made up to look like one of them, so we would pass him by?" Breanna asked. "How would we know?"

  "Kiss them!"

  "You know, maybe that would work. I'd know Justin anywhere by his kiss. He is so delightfully amateurish."

  They decided on the bold approach. They took one more look for guards, then took away all the torches so as to darken the ballroom. The dancers continued without seeming to notice. They cut in on the nearest couple, taking the dancing man away from the dancing woman. He did not seem to notice the difference. They danced a few steps with him, then kissed him. He was definitely solid, no ghost, but completely unresponsive.

  "A life-sized golem," Breanna said distastefully. "Or the equivalent. A robot. No soul, just a mocked-up body on a set program."

  They turned the man loose. He continued dancing, now without his partner, who was dancing by herself. They cut in on another man, and kissed him, with no better result.

  "This is fun," Venus said. "But it would be better if the men were real."

  "For sure. If we find Justin, he'll be real."

  But it became apparent, as they broke up more and more couples, that Justin was not among them. His handkerchief was here, but he was elsewhere.

  They did the last man, and turned away, disappointed. And there was a guard, reaching for them, about to tag them.

  Breanna had no time to think. She surprised the guard by stepping into him, grabbing both his hands, and kissing him.

  He stood there for a moment like a golem. Then he crashed to the floor, stunned.

  "I guess that counted as a tag," Breanna said. "One more down; six to go."

  "Let's kiss them too!"

  "We're better off avoiding them. We're looking for Justin, not guards."

  "But where is he?"

  "That's the sixty-four-dollar question."

  "The what?"

  "It's something I picked up from Justin. He's just full of ancient archaic lore. He says that once upon a time in Mundania there was a quiz show that started with one dollar for the first question, then doubled it, and kept doubling until the last one was worth sixty-four dollars. It means a make-or-break question. Why anyone would want any dollars in Xanth I don't know. But-hey, look at that!"

  "All I see is a button."

  "That's one of Justin's buttons! I'd know it anywhere. He's been here!" She ran to pick it up. "Yes-he likes these old-fashioned shirts with buttons that catch on things and rip off. He's twenty-one, physically, but mentally he's still pretty old. I love him for that too; he treats me like an old-fashioned lady."

  The button was at the portal to another large chamber. Here there were ancient paintings on the walls and statues from extinct cultures. "Definitely Justin's type," Breanna said, ignoring them.

  But there were no people here, and certainly not Justin. At the far end was another chamber, containing potted flowers. "I love these!" Venus said, sniffing a red red rose.

  "You love everything. But they are nice. I wonder why Fornax bothered with things like art and flowers?"

  "To corrupt Justin, and thereby Demon Earth."

  Breanna would have looked at her, but of course couldn't. "Cultural things would do it, if anything could. Justin's big on culture. But not if joining Fornax leads to the destruction of the universe. Justin's not that dedicated."

  "But he might forget, if also blinded by love."

  "He loves me, but he's not blind."

  "Fornax will try to seduce him."

  Breanna froze. "You're sure of that?"

  "Why else did she assume a female mortal form? It is the way we Demons operate."

  "But Jaylin's just a girl, and Mundane at that. She wouldn't-"

  "Two things," Venus said seriously. "Fornax is not a girl, she's a Demon, and she governs, unlike the way it is with the rest of us in this game. That was part of the negotiation, so that she would accept one of our mortals. Jaylin will not have a choice about the use of her body. And the fact that she is Mundane will appeal to the Demon of Mundania. She is of his realm."

  "Great fishes and little gods! This is devilish!"

  "Demonic."

  "For sure! We've got to find Justin!"

  "And kiss him."

  "That too." Breanna hurried on, ignoring the lovely flowers. They had become symbols of corruption.

  At the end of the art gallery was another portal, and on its floor was another button. Breanna swept it up and charged through to the next chamber.

  It was a balcony overlooking the castle wall. There was a sheer drop to the darkly heaving sea far below. A chill wind blew. There was no sign of Justin.

  "Why do I suddenly think this is a wild-goose chase?" Breanna demanded rhetorically. "That we've been led along a nowhere trail?"

  Then the door slammed closed behind them. Breanna turned to it, bringing out her key. But the keyhole was blocked with another key from the other side, left in place.

  They were trapped on the balcony, with no exit save the deep dark sea. Even if they could survive a plunge, how could they ever get back into the castle in time to do any good?

  ***

  Che followed the passage to the end, where it terminated in a locked descending stairway. He unlocked the door, took a torch, and stepped cautiously down. The stairs, like the passages, were broad enough to accommodate his body; that was one of the terms of the game. He would have preferred to fly, but of course there was no room inside the castle.

  The next story was evidently dedicated to castle business. There were chambers filled with bedding, uniforms, chamber pots, and similar servant supplies. But no servants; they had been removed, if they had ever truly existed.

  "This is a waste of time," Demon Mars said angrily. "There's nothing here."

  Che was inclined to agree. He moved down another story. This one contained storerooms with bags of grain, bins of turnips, wine kegs, and hanging carcasses. Kitchen supplies.

  He came to a dining room. Food was laid out on a large table. The look and smell of it was very appealing. He reached for a toasted roll.

  "If I were Fornax, I'd bait my trap with poisoned food," Mars said.

  Che's hand paused, then reversed. "Good point. We need to beware of everything, not merely guards."

  They moved on, discovering many things, but no Justin/Earth. Also no guards. "I distrust this," Mars said. "There are no guards here because it is irrelevant. Fornax doesn't mind how much time we waste searching where our quarry isn't. In time we will blunder into a trap and be done for."

  Che considered. It made more sense than he liked. "Then let's do the unexpected. Rejoin the others of our party, and seek Fornax herself."

  But here the angry Demon had some caution. "Fornax is a Demon. Mortal bodies can't touch her."

  "They can touch her mortal body, though. What would happen if we abducted Jaylin and took her out of the castle?"

  "I doubt we could succeed. This is her bailiwick."

  Che pondered. "What are the chances that Justin and Earth are near her?"

  "Very good! That way she can be sure her prey is not escaping. It is Demon logic."

  "Let's get the others." But then Che hesitated. "Which one first? Sim is very smart, but Breanna can see in darkness."

  "Breanna," Mars said.

  "Breanna," Che agreed. It was not that he valued one over the other, but that the girl's talent could indeed be most useful. They might accomplish more in darkness than in light, especially if the guards needed light to function.

  They returned
to the upper passage where they had separated from Breanna of the Black Wave. They walked down that passage, tracking the faint scuff marks on the floor and the fainter lingering smell of her black lotus perfume. She went down a stairway to a darkened ballroom, where human beings were dancing, by the sounds.

  "Odd that it is in darkness," Che remarked.

  "She eliminated the torches," Mars said.

  The Demon was right. The girl had rendered the chamber dark, because she was at no disadvantage, while the guards might be. But it seemed she had not located Justin here.

  Che circled the dark room, guided as much by sound as sight, for there was almost no illumination. Beyond was another chamber, where the torches had not been disturbed. It contained statuary and paintings of archaic style. Breanna had moved right on through it to a room containing flowering plants. Beyond that was a locked door with a key still in it.

  "Beware!" Mars said. "They would not leave their key."

  Indeed they would not. Something was wrong. Breanna's traces led up to that door, and not away from it.

  "Where would that door lead?" Mars asked.

  Che checked his mental coordinates. "Outside the castle. We are at the outer wall."

  "Then they have been locked out."

  Che looked around carefully. "A guard must have done it. Sneaked in and closed it behind."

  "That means there is a hidden guard here."

  Che checked more carefully. Then he saw it: a panel that did not quite match. He tapped it, and it make a hollow sound. He found a crevice, got his fingers in it, and slowly swung the panel open, like a door. There was a space behind it large enough to hold a guard. It was empty.

  Now they knew how it was done. Che went to the door, turned the key, and opened it. But he did not step through. "Black Wave," he murmured.

  "Horsetail!" Breanna cried, appearing. She had obviously been ready to tag him out as he came through the doorway. She stepped into him and hugged him. "We got tricked. I sure am glad to see you."

  "Yes. The guard hid in a panel until you passed by. We concluded that Justin and Demon Earth must be near Fornax, and that searching the rest of the castle may be a waste of time. So we thought we should merge our forces and broach the Demoness."

  Breanna nodded. "Let's get Birdbrain and do it." But she paused. "First-show me that panel."

  He showed her. She put her finger to her lips, and pointed to the other side of the door.

  Of course! There could be another panel-and the guard could be there. He nodded.

  Breanna tapped the nearer panel. "That's really something, Che," she said aloud. "I wonder whether I could fit into it?"

  Meanwhile Che was moving as silently as possible toward the other side. He found a similar panel.

  "Don't close it on me, Che!" Breanna exclaimed. She tapped the floor with her foot, as though a hoof were landing there.

  The panel Che was watching cracked open. He caught it and yanked it the rest of the way. A guard fell out. Che tagged the guard on the shoulder. Another down.

  "We're getting smarter," Breanna remarked, with satisfaction. "We thought the guards would all be walking fixed routes. They're more canny."

  "It occurs to me that perhaps we have been going about this wrong," Che said. "We have searched for Justin, and the guards lurk in ambush. We should search for the guards instead."

  "And take them out!" she agreed. "Then we can search for Justin without always looking over our shoulders."

  "But first let's check on Sim. I'm concerned."

  "For sure."

  They returned to the top passage, and tracked Sim. He had gone on down to the base of the castle, where there was a dungeon. Sim had passed though it to another locked chamber. But that chamber was empty-except for a pair of shoes.

  "Justin's shoes," Breanna said. "Decoys-same as his handkerchief and button."

  "But where is Sim?"

  Sim was nowhere. His traces went up to the boots, and stopped.

  Then Che spied another crevice. He pointed to it. Breanna nodded. She stood guard while Che worked on what turned out to be a stone set flush with the floor, the cover to a deep hole. "Sim," Che called down that hole.

  There was a squawk. "Here!"

  Sim scrambled up, and they helped him out. He was all right. He had been tricked and trapped just as Breanna had. They felt the continuing fear of the Demon Jupiter, but helped moderate it with their love and anger.

  "So where is the guard that did it?" Breanna asked.

  Che focused on that, and soon found the traces. The guard was hiding under another flush stone in the floor. They hauled up the stone and tagged him before he could get out. Another enemy down.

  They quickly explained their new strategy to Sim: to eliminate the guards, then go after Fornax, expecting to find Justin/Earth in her vicinity. To take control of the situation, rather than reacting to false trails.

  But as they made their way back through the dungeons, the enemy surprised them. Supposedly locked and empty cells burst open and five guards charged out, converging. "It's the blitz!" Breanna cried. "Watch your tails!"

  Che tried to, but three guards were coming at him. He tagged one, and blocked the hand of another, but the third one caught him on the flank. He lost volition. He could still see and hear and think, but could not act; he had been nulled. Beside him, Sim tagged a guard, but fell to a second. Behind him Breanna managed to tag the third guard with her foot. But now the two remaining guards were advancing on her. She might get one, but the other would get her. Then all of them would have been nulled, with no one to rescue Earth.

  Breanna realized as much herself. "I gotta get out of here!" she cried, fleeing. "Sorry, fellows!"

  The guards pursued her. Che could not turn his head to look, but knew she was agile on her feet. Then the torches started getting doused. She was making the dungeon dark, so she would have the advantage. She could see the guards, but they could not see her.

  Sure enough, she soon nulled them both. Then she returned to Che and Sim. "I guess I'm it," she said. "Just the luck of the draw I didn't get tagged." She hugged Sim where he stood. "Don't get into any trouble, Birdbrain." Then she hugged Che again. "Same to you, hoofer. I'll be ba-a-ack." And she was gone.

  "Luck of the draw," Mars repeated angrily. "We should have been the ones to survive."

  "I know she'll do her best," Che replied. "She has a fighting spirit."

  "Venus is a cunning thing."

  "But she's in love with love."

  Overall, the prospects seemed chancy at best.

  CHAPTER 14

  DESIRE

  Fornax paced with Jaylin's body. "Where is that courier guard? It's time for his hourly report."

  Jaylin tried to conceal her private glee, but of course that was impossible. Fornax's mind was right with hers, and knew her thoughts. So she had to speak. "You know you lost five guards. The rest must have gotten nulled too."

  "Charging three enemies together? That is unlikely." But the Demoness's desire was strongly tinged by doubt. The Swell Foop had given her one emotion, but she was picking up others from Jaylin. The mortal filter not only softened the prime emotion, it relayed a minor symphony of lesser emotions.

  Again Jaylin tried to hide her thought, but could not. "Breanna of the Black Wave can see in darkness. That gives her an advantage in the dungeon."

  Fornax made a mental picture of two huge black holes colliding and transforming into a single super-quasar that blew out a quarter of the universe in a shower of ferocious implosions. Jaylin wondered what the image would have been had her Fooped emotion been rage instead of desire.

  "Then we shall have to act," Fornax said. She got Jaylin's body up and marched into Justin's cell.

  This did not look good.

  "Earth, do you not find me interesting?" Fornax demanded as Justin stood before her.

  "I hope you have decided to release me," he said. That would be Demon Earth, rather than mortal Justin.

  "I desire
to keep you with me. We can do much together."

  "I hope only to go home."

  Fornax opened her robe enough to show a bit of unharnessed breast. "Perhaps, after this."

  He averted his eyes. "That is not your body."

  "It will do." Fornax stepped toward him. "Look."

  "Unhand that man!"

  Both Fornax and Jaylin were startled. They turned. There was Breanna of the Black Wave, or maybe Demoness Venus. She had won through!

  "Breanna!" Justin cried gladly.

  "Justin-Demon Earth-come with me. We're leaving this castle." Breanna stepped toward him.

  Fornax moved to intercept her. "No. He remains with me."

  "Don't let her tag you!" Justin cried.

  "Be quiet, or I'll freak you," Fornax snapped, flipping her hem up partway.

  "That's right," Breanna said. "You can tag me, but I can't tag you, because you're a king."

  "A king?" Fornax asked, perplexed.

  "The lead piece in a chess game," Jaylin explained. She spoke aloud, because in the distraction of blocking off Breanna, Fornax had left the voice connected. "The pieces can be taken and removed from play, but the king can't. He must be checked-threatened-and warned. Only when he is cornered and unable to escape check does the game end."

  "Then what is Earth?"

  "He is the other king. Kings can't tag each other."

  "But I will prevent his escape, and win the game," Fornax said. "Then I will be able to use him in the manner I desire." She flipped the hem again. She was really intrigued. She had some embarrassing ideas about what to do with their mortal bodies, before proceeding with the next stage of her nullification of the universe. Jaylin would have blushed, had she had sufficient control of her body.

  "The bleep you will!" Breanna said. "I'm taking him out of here, and you can go soak your steaming butt in a watery nebula."

  "Not if I tag you first." Fornax lifted Jaylin's hand. It was an uneven contest, because Breanna could not tag back; all she could do was block.

  Breanna tried to get around her, but Fornax maneuvered to stay between her and Justin. "Have it your way, then, canine," Breanna said, and grabbed Jaylin's hands, preventing a tag. She tried to heave her to the side, but Fornax countered, trying to throw Breanna to the side instead.