The Man I Desire (The Man I Need Trilogy #2)

by Loretta Steel

  Published in 2017 by Black Lace publishing, London, UK.

  Text copyright © 2017 Loretta Steel

  The moral right of Loretta Steel to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

  All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book, or portions thereof in any form. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored, in any form or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical without the express written permission of the author.

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, incidents and dialogues are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual people, living or dead, events or locales is entirely coincidental.

  THE MAN I DESIRE

  PART TWO

  EZRA

  We’d stayed up long into the night talking. Held in his embrace, I felt soft. Lucid. As if in a dream.

  Blake Strong lived up to his name. When he spoke about the trauma of losing his sister, of being informed of her death having heard his mother’s frantic cries on the phone, and then rushing to the hospital to find out she’d been murdered, I realized that despite what he’d been through he’d remained capable and kind. He had the strength I needed.

  I told him more about Tyler, what had evolved in that basement where he’d held me captive for six months of my early adult life.

  ‘We’re kindred spirits,’ I said, nestling my head between his outstretched arm and chest so that I could feel his heartbeat on my face.

  ‘The man who was sentenced for her murder committed suicide.’

  ‘But, you said you thought it was someone else?’

  ‘His brother, yes.’

  ‘What will you do?’

  ‘Wait. I’ve got someone looking into it.’

  I had to give him credit, he hadn’t allowed the past to change him. Which was more than could be said for I.

  Having spent years trying to come to terms with the nightmares that filled my sleep and flashbacks that took over every waking moment, I thought I’d finally learned to live with them. But since I’d met Blake I’d had to confront things I hadn’t had the guts to face before. One of which had been my fear of men, of allowing myself to feel something for another person, and to trust. But I’d been intimate with Blake. And I felt as though I’d finally breached one of my own rules: to allow a man who genuinely cared into my life.

  But I was also scared of what kind of future lay before me. This was new territory. I was still broken. And it would take Blake’s loyalty to heal me.

  BLAKE

  We’d had a difficult start to our relationship. How Ezra was able to cope in such traumatic circumstances was visible in the way she still censored her thoughts. But I knew, in time, she’d learn to overcome her trust issues and give herself to me fully, without hesitation. And I would wait because she really was a very special woman, and I could no longer imagine my life without her. I had no intention of letting her go.

  EZRA

  A week had gone by since Madison’s arrest. The police had informed me that she was being held on remand until a court date was set. It could be months before I saw her being sent down to the cells. I imagined her face as the prison van appeared at the gates and grew hot with anger.

  I hadn’t bothered to challenge Blake since he’d returned with the rest of my things. He’d managed to collect up every last ounce of my old life, bringing it with him to my new one. Something I should have felt annoyed and upset about, but didn’t. The London apartment now sat empty except for the furniture which wouldn’t fit inside the cottage even if I’d melted it down, but I was happy there.

  The quaint little house, overlooking the fields was only a mile long walk to the beach. It was perfect. Except, it felt wrong. Wrong was probably not the right word. Different then. It felt different. I felt different. Not myself. Like Ezra DeSilva had been eradicated, along with Maddie, my best friend. I guess I was still smarting from her betrayal. I wondered how she could hurt me. How could she stand by me, hold my hand, and look me in the eye, knowing that I was scared and upset because of something she’d done?

  All along I’d thought I should be careful around Blake when it was she who’d lied to me, who’d tossed the wool over my eyes.

  We’d had a few cross words, my spite getting the better of me, but Blake and I hadn’t had a full-on spat since I’d agreed to move in with him on a more permanent basis. However, things had begun to stagnate: our raucous lovemaking thankfully wasn’t one of them, but now that things had returned to normal, I felt as though I was on the brink of losing it. Stoking the fire of my emotions with angry words I’d wanted to spit at Maddie, but was unable to left me teetering on the edge of an angry outburst. I knew I didn’t want to let it out on Blake. It wasn’t his fault. He deserved better, but the only way I could cool down from my hot-headed thoughts was to go for a walk. I walked miles that week, over the hills, and down to the coast, following the sea via the cliffs all along Hove. Walking off my anger had worked, but that day, I felt fit to burst with it.

  It didn’t help that I knew sooner or later I would disappoint Blake in some way. I’d let him down. Just as I always did. Not having the guts to apologise would get me into all kinds of bother before, but then, I knew the consequences were much more serious. I could lose him. And that thought frightened me more than the thought of upsetting him.

  The first week had passed in a blur of flying colours but then he had to arouse my inner bitch by telling me that I couldn’t visit my ex-best friend, who was now awaiting trial for stalking, harassing and threatening me.

  ‘Don’t tell me what I can and cannot do, please.’

  I added the please on the end at the last minute, hopeful it would give me some reprieve from his obvious distaste at my decision to see what the bitch had to say for herself.

  ‘I need to speak to her. I have to know why she did this to me,’ I pointed at the four walls, hoping he’d understand that I wouldn’t be there with him if it hadn’t been for her.

  ‘Is that who you were speaking to on the phone earlier?’

  There was no point in lying to him.

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Did she apologise to you. Did she explain-‘

  ‘Why she did it? No.’

  ‘Please don’t interrupt me.’

  I pouted.

  ‘So you’re going to visit her, despite my concerns?’

  I’d thought about it. I’d thought long and hard about it, and I’d decided that yes, I was going to visit her. I had questions that needed answering.

  ‘I have to know why she left those letters in my apartment and made those phone calls, scaring me half to death.’

  ‘That’s the only reason you’re going?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Ezra?’

  ‘No, alright. I was going to see if …’

  ‘You could rekindle your friendship?’

  ‘Of course not. I need to see her reaction.’

  I was determined to have my way despite his concerns. When I’d mentioned it the day before, he’d said he was worried I’d get hurt again. He said that dragging it all up so soon could leave me feeling worse. But I doubted I could feel any more hate towards her.

  ‘Would you have told me if I hadn’t have asked?’

  ‘Of course, I would. Look, I don’t see what the problem is.’

  ‘The problem is that if I hadn’t have asked you who’d called, you might not have told me you were going. You’re putting
yourself in danger.’

  ‘What could she do to me in a prison?’

  ‘You’ve no idea what convicts are capable of, Ezra.’

  ‘She hasn’t been convicted.’

  He blanched at my forthright manner. Then he seemed to soften.

  ‘I’ll give you a lift.’

  ‘Where?’

  ‘To the prison. What date is the visiting order for?’

  ‘Wednesday. But I …’

  ‘You have it already?’

  It was a trick question. I’d already made my decision and I wasn’t going to back out of it now.

  ‘I’ll come with you.’

  ‘What, inside the place?’

  ‘Of course.’

  ‘To keep me safe from perverted shoplifting lesbian’s?’

  ‘There’s no need to get sassy with me.’

  ‘I wasn’t being sarcastic.’

  ‘Must you always have the final word?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Maybe you need to calm down,’ he said, noticing my tense posture. But saying that only riled me more.

  ‘I am calm.’

  ‘You’re stressed.’

  ‘I’m bored.’

  ‘Then find something to do.’

  The evening continued in much the same way. I thought at first I must be about to start my period, having been short-tempered all afternoon and even quicker to react when he’d questioned me over the fact that I’d already received a VO before discussing it with him first. I didn’t think I should need to tell him everything so I stuck to my guns and pointed out that he was acting like a closed book when he sauntered off for meetings with client’s late at night, and that his secrecy was the real problem. But none of that was getting to me as much as being holed up in the cottage was.

  I was irritable. There was only so much housework a small cottage needed doing. Only so much cooking, cleaning, polishing, vacuuming and washing. I was bored senseless. And instead of understanding me, Blake refused to acknowledge there was even a problem.

  ‘I need to go back to work.’

  ‘Okay.’

  ‘How am I supposed to get there when you have the car?’

  ‘I’ll take you to London in the morning, drop you off to work, head into the office, meet my client for lunch, return to the office and pick you up on my way home.’

  ‘You think of everything.’

  ‘That’s my job.’

  ‘Then what is mine?’

  ‘You’ll have to figure that out yourself.’

  ‘What the fuck is that supposed to mean?’

  I hadn’t realised I’d sworn until his eyes narrowed.

  If the truth were to be told, I never would have believed Blake had it in him to force me to acknowledge the carnal desires I’d held dear to my heart since I’d met him. Even as I saw the temptation in his eyes, the thought that he’d actually act out those dormant fantasies I’d replayed in my mind since I’d laid eyes on him, despite saying otherwise, sent a cold shiver down my spine.

  ‘Come here,’ he said, edging towards the sofa.

  ‘What?’

  If in doubt play dumb.

  ‘Come here.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘You know why.’

  I shook my head, no, but my head said yes. I knew why he wanted me to come towards him, but I did and I didn’t want him to. I wasn’t going to make it easy for him because then he’d think he’d won, and over my dead body would any man think he’d got one over on me.

  ‘You’ve been asking for it for a long time.’

  The urge to run over-powered all rational thought when I heard those words and I turned on my heels towards the door.

  ‘Don’t walk away from me.’

  It was an order.

  I stood there staring at the door, waiting. Waiting for him to take the lead. Waiting for my feet to get into gear with my brain. I stood there praying for an opportunity to run, thinking up an excuse to leave.

  ‘Ezra?’

  I turned. His voice was enticing. My legs trembled. I felt as though they would give way at any moment, but they didn’t. I remained rooted to the spot, my eyes fixed on the floor.

  ‘Come here.’

  ‘Why?’ If I was trying to act naive it wasn’t working. My voice shook almost as much as my quivering legs.

  ‘It’s about time you started showing me some respect.’

  I agreed, but I wasn’t going to cave into his desires for an excuse to turn me over his knee.

  My hand reached the handle and before I had the time to digest his words my feet had begun to pummel the floor and I found myself outside, breathing in the crisp early October air.

  The time had come for me to run. Just as I always had.

  Down to the bottom of the garden I flew, jumping over the herbaceous borders and up onto the slimline stone wall, dropping down onto the thick grass and out onto the open plains. From there I could see the sea on a background of mist, like a veil separating me and the fields from the high tide of the Atlantic ocean.

  I’d escaped.

  I tasted freedom in the air and to prove that it was real I breathed in the scent of Jasmine and Clove that came to me in the wind from the herb garden several feet behind me, where I saw Blake stood in the doorway of the house.

  I caught the look of relief on his face, settling his anxious features when he realised that I hadn’t really gone anywhere. I was still on the property. I was still considering my next move when he began to slowly walk up behind me.

  Draping my arms across my waist with his, I felt the panic subside. Taken over with longing, for his touch, for his strength, I knew I had to be frank with him, but I was still too uncomfortable to say the words.

  ‘I can’t do it.’

  ‘You can,’ he said. ‘You’re stronger than you think.’

  ‘I can’t let go. I can’t give that to you. That’s not who I am.’

  My eyes pricked with tears found his.

  ‘This isn’t going to go away. It will niggle in the back of your mind until we deal with it. It has to be taken care of now. I’m not going to let it fester.’

  I felt as though I’d made a deal with the devil. A pact that gave him the right to decide what was good for me, and what wasn’t.

  He released my arms and took hold of my wrist, gently tugging on it until I could no longer fight the inevitable.

  I allowed him to lead me inside the house, where the warmth from the open doorway invited me into the unknown with a gentle glimmer of hope.

  Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad after all, I thought.

  BLAKE

  I valued her unbeaten strength, but I couldn’t ignore the fact that it had been barely a week since Ezra had escaped her lunatic ex-best friend’s attempt at sending her over the edge with frightening phone calls, threatening letters and a breakin. It was too soon for her to expect an apology or an explanation. I loved her determination, but I didn’t want her to get hurt again. I wasn’t going to allow her to put herself in danger. She was my girlfriend now. I had promised to protect her, and if that included protecting her from herself then so be it.

  But there was more to it than that, and she knew it. That’s why she ran. There were things we still hadn’t dealt with. Things I’d allowed to fester and accumulate dust because I’d thought it might have been too soon to get her to face them.

  When Ezra stopped at the foot of the wide expanding field and didn’t make any attempt at continuing to run away from her problems I knew that it was time. When she allowed me to take her hand and lead her into the cottage, I felt her give a small piece of herself to me, to treasure.

  EZRA

  He closed the back door behind us and lead me into the living room.

  He turned to face me and said, ‘I think it’s time I taught you a lesson in respect.’

  My stomach knotted up.

  ‘I do respect you.’

  ‘You’ve got a funny way of showing it.’

  A beat of silence pas
sed between us, and I hoped he was going to let it go as he’d done all the other times, but then he dropped down onto the sofa, releasing my hand from his as he did.

  Stood two feet in front of him and fifteen feet from the door I knew there was no way I was going to get out of it by running again.

  ‘Come here Ezra, I won’t ask you again.’

  I shuffled closer, unable to meet his eyes as he spoke.

  ‘Over my knee.’

  My chest tightened at his words. I was going to tell him under no uncertain terms to get stuffed, but there was a hard lump in my throat. A knot of dread that halted my voice.

  I glanced up and caught his eyes. He wasn’t angry, but instead smiling. This was a game. He enjoyed the show. I wasn’t afraid of him.

  ‘You’re joking,’ I said, breathing a sigh of relief.

  ‘Do I look like I’m joking?’

  No, I thought, seeing his face grow stern. You don’t.

  I swallowed hard.

  I looked back at the door, but before I could seize my chance of escape he’d clamped his hand around my wrist and in one movement pulled me across his lap.

  ‘What are you doing?!’

  My pulse began to beat wildly.

  ‘What does it look like?’

  He didn’t wait for me to answer before he struck me once on my clothed arse.

  I froze, unable to gain the energy to respond as he’d wished. He wanted me to fight him. I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction.

  ‘Blake?’

  ‘I’m going to spank you.’

  ‘No, you’re not.’ I struggled to pull myself off his lap with one hand shielding my rear, but he lifted my wrist and held it firmly behind my back with one solid palm.

  ‘You’re my girlfriend, and while you live under my roof you’ll respect me. That includes no swearing, answering me back, or raising your voice to me. Do you understand?’

  ‘Ow.’ I felt a sharp slap to my cotton-clad cheek.

  ‘Do you understand?’

  He struck me once more, but this time the sharp sting caused my nipples to harden. I understood, but I wasn’t going to tell him so I continued to struggle as though I wanted him to stop.