The Dastardly Deed

by Holly Grant

  There are times in life, dear Reader, when a fierce and sudden certainty will grip every itty-bitty atom of your body, and that certainty is this: you tremble on the threshold of something momentous. Something life-changing. Something that shall click the stars of your fate into position like the tumblers of a picked golden lock. Anastasia tottered on that threshold now. Somewhere, she savvied—scrawled in those books, or sealed in a bottle, or locked in the desk—was the next crumb in the magical trail leading to Nicodemus and his Fred-finding compass. Look and ye shall find.

  She dredged another match from her pocket and lit the tapers of a candelabrum. The glow tangoed with the drifting puppets, festooning the walls with children and butterflies and unicorns and dragons. Anastasia swanned through this shadowy kaleidoscope to a glass-fronted cabinet at the study’s far end. The curios inside clinked against its crystalline breast like creatures trying to escape: seashells and blood-red branches of coral, bejeweled boxes, suspiciously bonelike bits and bobs, and there, glinting in the darkest corner—

  There it was. The slender silver fuse that ignited a Perpetual War. The device of centuries of misery, and perhaps also the instrument for that misery’s undoing. It seemed nothing more than a rod capped with a metal wedge, crooking on one side into a double-pronged claw. And yet, Anastasia knew, it was the only tool in the world capable of uprooting the nails binding the Silver Chest, releasing Nicodemus to point the way to her father.

  “We found it,” she whispered. “The Silver Hammer.”

  Greetings…and congratulations! Your selection of a 100 percent genuine Marvelmop Wig distinguishes you as a person of taste and refinement! As the world’s preeminent wiggier since 1703, I have upholstered the pates of monarchs, knights, and other uppercruster types…and now YOU!

  ~ What Is a Wig? ~

  I’m so glad you asked! Certain vulgarians would have you believe that a wig is nothing more than artificial hair slopped upon one’s noggin—a sort of hair hat. Piffle! This couldn’t be farther from the truth! The wig is an exterior extension of your personality, hopes, and dreams—indeed, your wig is your soul made manifest (with hair!). What else can a wig offer you?

   Elevated Social Status—A Marvelmop Wig is incontrovertible proof that you are RVII (Really Very Important Indeed). You are fashionable! You know what’s what! You are probably very, very rich!

   Companionship—Never Be Lonely Again! Your wig is your constant companion, escorting you everywhere, sharing in all your joys and worries. You’ll find your wig to be an excellent confidant. It won’t blab your secrets—it can’t! One of my royal clients appointed his wig chancellor of the realm, and it worked out really well for everyone.

   Protection—Your wig will warm and shelter you in every situation. Protect your ears and eyebrows from frostbite with my Arctic Explorer wig. Or for those in warmer climes: promenade in the park with confidence! Should a gaggle of incontinent geese or ducks fly overhead, your wig shall shield you from all things fowl.

  ~ Which Wig Is ~

  Right for You?

  The choice of your wig is a difficult matter,

  It isn’t just one of your holiday larks;

  You may think at first I’m as mad as a hatter

  When I tell you, your wig is part FATE and part ART!

  The linking of wig with head is a mystical alchemy of destiny and artistry. Many wig disciples profess that they didn’t choose their wig: ’twas a union forged by fortune’s stars (and my wiggier know-how!). For this reason, the best way to seek your wig is to visit my atelier. Meet me, and meet my wigs. Chat with them and find common interests—or, perhaps, fall in love at first sight. However, in the sad event that you cannot grace my shop in person, then I urge you to avail yourself of the attached, convenient wig order form. First, take my Marvelmop Patented Wig Quiz.

  ~ Wig Quiz ~

  Set aside an hour or two—don’t rush! This is a Matter of Utmost Importance! Consider each question carefully.

  Your dream vacation would be:

  1. A perilous transatlantic hot-air balloon voyage

  2. Visiting an all-you-can-eat cheese buffet in picturesque Dinkledorf

  3. Getting a pedicure and/or lobotomy at St. Agony’s Lunatic Asylum and Bed & Breakfast

  If you were a dessert, you would be:

  1. A hasty pudding

  2. A figgy pudding

  3. A figgy pudding that wishes it were a plum pudding

  You prefer to spend your free time:

  1. Knitting. If not knitting, then crocheting.

  2. Reading exciting tales about intrepid children, especially if those tales include a s’mores reference or two

  3. Laughing at peasants while munching cake in an opulent palace

  What is your favorite color?

  1. Magenta

  2. Hot pink

  3. Fuchsia

  With which historical figure do you most identify?

  1. A Scrabble-loving monarch

  2. A wise diplomat who moonlights as a scullery maid

  3. A scullery maid who moonlights as a wise diplomat moonlighting as a scullery maid

  Which would you like to receive for your birthday?

  1. An elegant cuckoo clock

  2. A unicorn

  3. A practical gift, like socks or an elegant cuckoo clock

  What is the quality you value most in a wig?

  1. Comfort

  2. Height

  3. Loyalty

  Which best describes your personal style?

  1. A posh hybrid of eighteenth-century luxury and nineteenth-century bustles

  2. Ascots, ascots, and more ascots!

  3. What’s an ascot?

  Which is your favorite canine?

  1. A beautifully groomed poodle

  2. A shaggy-chic sheepdog

  3. A Labradoodle in a wig

  Please send your results, along with your head measurements (circumference; top of eyebrow to hairline; ear to ear), to Sir Marvelmop, the Michelangelo of Wigs (that is, me!), at 729 Crescent Way, Nowhere Special, Under Dinkledorf, Switzerland. Then wait by your mailbox in breathless anticipation…. YOUR DESTINY ARRIVES (by parcel post, shipping and handling not included)!

  If You Chose Mostly 1s

  Your noble coconut is full of Great Thoughts and destined for Great Things! Have you considered a career in politics, law, or cheesemongery? You’ll need a wig befitting your dignified vocation—might I suggest Caesar’s Toupee (pre-garnished with laurels)? Do you crave a weighty hairpiece to match your mental gravitas? My twenty-pound Philosopher’s Mop has festooned the noggins of notable eggheads for centuries! Or if world domination is your cup of tea, my Machiavelli wig is custom-designed to strike fear in the hearts of your enemies. (Caution: it may also inspire love!)

  If You Chose Mostly 2s

  Egads—aren’t you the daredevil! Whether your next adventure is aboard a roller coaster or at the end of a bungee cord, you require a lionhearted wig that can hang on for the ride! Don my streamlined and chic Whirligig for trapeze tricks, skydiving, and other aerial stunts. (Each Whirligig purchase includes one free tube of Bouffant Bond, guaranteed to keep your coiffure in place through even the most hair-raising exploits!) Are you an aquatic explorer? Then the Snorkeler’s Delight would be a perfect fit: it’s waterproof and shark-proof, and it even doubles as a life vest in a pinch (number one bestseller amongst mermaids, octopi, and pirates)! Planning a life-or-death duel? Try the Swashbuckler; Alexander Hamilton sported this gallant wig when he bit the bullet in 1804, and he looked smashing!

  If You Chose Mostly 3s

  Poetical and starry-eyed, you while away your hours in daydreams and fairylands. You’ll need a whimsical wig for jaunts to your castle in the sky; might I suggest Rapunzel’s Beehive? Or if you’re feeling peckish, sample one of my edible cotton-candy toupees—at last you can satisfy your sweet tooth whilst dazzling your imaginary friends! For the truly capricious, my Make-Believe Wig is a must-have: weightless and infini
tely versatile, this hairpiece changes to suit your every whim—just add a dollop of your own favorite fancy, and this wig metamorphoses into whatever you want!

  Were Your Answers Divided Equally Amongst Numbers?

  Then you are Admirably Well Rounded—a true Renaissance sort! You’ll require wigs from every category—lucky, lucky you!

  * * THE AUTHOR WISHES TO THANK * *

  Her Most Honorable Bee’s Knees,

  The Right Splendid Agent,

  Dame of the Order of Golden-Limned Letters,

  Lady

  Brianne Johnson

  &

  Her Most Excellent Editrix,

  The Grand Duchess of the Printed Page,

  The Baroness of the Ripping Yarn,

  Peach of the Realm

  Shana Corey

  * * * * in addition to * * * *

  The Noble Peerage of Joy-Practitioners at Random House Children’s Books

  HOLLY GRANT likes to dream about magic hiding in birthday candles and silver snow globes and golden keyholes and peculiarful books squirreled away in forgotten nooks and crannies. Her lifelong hope is to discover a secret door that opens upon a mysterious and wonderful place. In the meantime, she lives in Colorado and writes stories for children like you. Visit Holly and the Beastly Dreadfuls at BeastlyDreadfuls.​com.

  JOSIE PORTILLO was born and raised in Los Angeles, where she works as a freelance illustrator. She did not attend the Pettifog Academy for Impressionable Young Minds. She draws inspiration from mid-century design, vintage children’s animation, and her surroundings (fortunately, she does not live underground). When she’s not illustrating, she can be found spending time with her two dogs (she does not own an electric eel) and playing soccer (though she hears rowing a gondola is also excellent exercise).