Alone.
It was a word that stood out to her above all the others when she saw her father. He was always so alone.
Not in a way that might make someone feel compassion or sympathy for him. In a way that seemed deliberate. Purposeful. Which meant that he preferred the solitary confinement of his life to anything else.
And that made him terrifying.
Because Ryan understood it.
Deeply.
She had a strong, insatiable desire to be alone all of the time. Alone was safe. Alone was comfortable. Her own company was enough to occupy her mind and her actions. But she was aware that remaining companionless was unhealthy. People needed connection. It was built into them to keep them sane.
But the hunger to be left alone was always there for her.
And now she knew where she had gotten it.
“Bourbon?”
Her eyes connected with Caleb's as he handed her one of the glasses. She took it, noticing the curious twitch of his hard mouth. She'd never tried bourbon before.
He watched her closely as she brought the glass to her lips and took a burning taste. Smooth and hard at once, beauty and nostalgia in the barest sip. Goosebumps broke out over her arms and she shivered away the sensation.
Caleb lifted his chin. “It's late.”
She nodded, suddenly thankful for the liquor in her shaking grip. “It is. I apologize for that.”
His jaw worked back and forth before he turned around and swept a hand over the various pieces of furniture. “Have a seat.”
Ryan circled around to one of the black club chairs and perched on the edge of the cushion. She cradled the glass of bourbon in both hands as she rested her elbows on her knees that were pressed tightly together.
Was she afraid of him? No, not really.
Was she afraid of what he might say? Yes.
Those were completely different things.
“To what do I owe this interruption?” Caleb asked, adding more liquid to his glass. He capped the bottle and, taking his refilled drink, strolled to the narrow sofa directly across from her.
Ryan swallowed again, focusing on the tall vase of tiny white flowers in the center of the low coffee table between them.
“If you drink the bourbon, it might loosen your tongue.”
Her eyes shot up to Caleb's and he lifted a sardonic eyebrow while raising his own glass to his lips. She took his advice and took another burning swallow, this one bigger than the first.
He held his drink in midair, his calculating gaze measuring her movements and reaction to the drink with a scrutiny that unnerved her. Whatever it was he saw, she had no idea. That's not why she was here anyway.
“I'm here to talk to you about this week's race.”
He made no response except to hold her stare.
Ryan cleared her throat. “Red — uh, I mean Faramir's Fire — is not himself. And...” She tried to swallow the thickness in her throat but it wouldn't budge. She pressed on. “He's agitated. And intentionally making him lose, when he knows he could win, is messing with his confidence. His appetite is off, his sleep is sporadic at best, and the stress is starting to take a physical toll on his muscle recovery in between races.”
Just saying it out loud made her face heat with irritation. She hated seeing an animal in her care being hurt and feeling like her hands were tied.
“You're mad,” Caleb observed coolly.
Ryan stopped from rolling her eyes — but just barely. “Yes, I'm mad,” she admitted with some bite. “He's an incredible colt. He shouldn't be losing.”
Caleb moved suddenly, leaning toward her and pointing with the hand that held his bourbon. “He's a threatened colt.”
Ryan grimaced. “I know. But we're with him all of the time. He's never alone. One of us is constantly by his side. And nothing has happened yet. Maybe — ”
Caleb's lip curled. “You think the threat is empty.”
Ryan closed her eyes and took a deep breath before opening them again. “I'm saying that maybe they're getting exactly what they want. What if making you afraid is all they wanted so you'd force us to hold him back?”
He scoffed and sat back on the couch, bringing his glass to his lips. It furthered Ryan's annoyance. He shouldn't be blowing her off. She had a good point. She just needed to be able to make it.
“Think about it, Caleb,” she said with as much diplomatic conviction as she could muster. “He's so upset by how we're running him, he might not remember how to actually win if we don't turn him loose soon. Which means “they” get what they wanted by undoing all of Jesse's good training. Red never wins again.”
“You think I'm paranoid,” he accused with an eye roll.
Ryan pursed her lips. “Well, yeah.” His eyes flashed to hers and she shook her head. “It's not like it's a great big secret. Everyone knows. And good for you, you know,” she added hastily. “I mean, obviously it's working for you. You're very successful. No one owns you. But maybe...” she paused, pleading with every ounce of her soul as she held his unreadable eyes. “Maybe they know that and they're using it against you.”
Caleb pressed his lips together as his eyes drifted over her shoulder. She waited for him to have a reaction of some kind and ended up slamming back the last swallow of bourbon before setting the glass down on the table. When she looked up again, Caleb's eyes were back on her.
“Do you drink a lot of bourbon?” he asked bizarrely.
“No,” she said with a frown, glancing down at the empty tumbler. “First time.”
Unsure what to do with her hands, she remained leaning forward and rested her elbows on her knees again, clasping her hands together. She felt Caleb's eyes on her but she just couldn't look at him anymore. Not for a minute at least.
So much of what she saw when she looked at him was actually felt, not seen. It was anger and regret and confusion and a whole medley of bullshit that would distract her from why she was really there.
“How come Jesse didn't come with you?”
“He doesn't know I'm here,” she admitted quietly, not liking the sound of those words or the way they tasted.
The distance with Jesse hadn't really improved. She wasn't angry with him anymore for his deception, but she wasn't letting him back into her head anytime soon. Jesse was having a different reaction.
Daily, they sat in the cold mud of the track, discussing strategy. The conversation would lull and drift. Where he had once been aloof and reserved with her, he was now open. He would sit at her side and spill everything that his soul housed into the mud around them.
The track became his confessional and she was his priestess.
She could feel it. The importance of her presence in his life. It weighed heavily on her. Guilt and regret and even more confusion. He never touched her, never asked her to share secrets in return. But she still felt him burrowing into her soul.
Their roles had flipped. Now she was the one leading him.
And she had no idea where they were headed.
But she knew she needed to do everything she could to help him.
“He's not sleeping well,” she said, her voice strained. “His sleep patterns are linked to Red's. They spend all night long pacing when they should be resting.”
“Hm.”
Her eyes flicked over to catch him toss back the last swallow and hold it in his mouth for a second before he finally swallowed. He was somewhere else. Farther away than the wall where his eyes were pointed.
“What is it that you want?” he asked, his eyes sliding to hers.
She sucked in a breath. “I want them to win.”
“That's it?”
Her eyebrows snapped together. “Isn't that enough?”
He lifted his chin slowly, like he was seeing something in her he hadn't seen before.
“Caleb,” she started again. Clearly she wasn't getting through to him. Or maybe he had been drinking for much longer than she had suspected. “Red's not the kind of colt you hold back. His blo
odlines alone demand to run. But he's more than his bloodlines. He's unlike any horse I've ever seen. He has fight and passion and heart. It's cruel and frankly, criminal, to disallow an animal of his caliber to run as hard and as fast as he can. I mean, have you seen him when he takes over the lead horse and breathes fresh air?” A short laughed bubbled out of her as her excitement rose. “It's breathtaking. It's like seeing a sunrise for the first time. It's like...” she closed her eyes and smiled softly. “It's like witnessing a miracle being born in front of you.”
When she opened her eyes, the smile faded from her lips as she witnessed Caleb's expression. He ripped his eyes away from her and stood, his features dark and jagged. Like he'd been caught in an avalanche unprepared. He crossed the room and opened the bourbon bottle, pouring more than enough into his tumbler.
“Your mother and I had big plans for that colt long before he was born. She...” He rested the rim of the glass on his bottom lip and shook his head with a humorless chuckle. “You talk like her.” He tipped the glass back.
Ryan's shoulders stiffened and her mouth went dry.
“I don't trust you,” he continued. His dark eyes slid to her. “But don't take it personally. I don't trust anyone.”
He pressed his lips together and looked around the suite, as if looking for more people to talk to. Someone other than her. Not finding anyone, he shrugged and took a step towards her.
“Why are you here?”
“What?” she asked, her stomach coiling in discomfort.
“Here.” He gestured with an arm and his inebriation was beginning to show with the sloppy motor skills. “In my life. Are you here to make me pay for my sins, is that it? Do you want revenge? Money? Answers?”
Not wanting to have this kind of a conversation with him at all, Ryan stood up and backed away from him, heading slowly to the door. “You were right before, it's late. I should get back to the stable.”
She turned around and grabbed the handle of the door.
“Tell your boyfriend I want to talk to him in the morning.”
Shit. She was hoping she wouldn't have to tell Jesse she had been here. He wouldn't like it.
“He doesn't like me, does he?” Caleb's voice entered the hallway with her.
She turned around and faced him squarely. “He's not my boyfriend. But we are teammates. I owe him a certain amount of loyalty.”
Caleb's lips twisted. “Loyalty?”
Ryan nodded solemnly. “It's really all I have to offer that's of any worth.”
His eyes narrowed on her and she decided she was done with this part of the night.
“Please consider changing the plan,” she reiterated. “I'll send Jesse to you in the morning. The decision ultimately lies with you.” She nodded once before turning her back on Caleb and opening the door.
The air in the breezeway felt ten degrees cooler and she sucked in the freshness of it as she hurried her way to the elevator.
***
“Shh, now, don't get testy with me,” Ryan murmured. “I promise, everything is going to turn out just fine.”
Red nodded his head in disagreement, stalking to the far end of his box.
“Who do you really think you're fooling? I know you're not mad at me.” She held still, her hands loose at her sides, letting the last remnants of tension drain from her body. Her feelings for her father weren't invited to this conversation. She boxed them up and threw away the key. All Red needed to feel from her was her absolute confidence that he was the best race horse in the world.
“I love you, Red,” she said, voice suddenly rough. “And I'll do anything to make your life as great as possible. Anything.” She began to hum a Pearl Jam song, then her lips picked up the words and she sang “Just Breathe” as well as she knew how.
Red grunted and took a step towards her. Then another. Soon, his big warm forehead was pressed against Ryan's. She wrapped her arms around his neck and continued to whisper as many promises and soothing words as she could find. And Red believed her.
***
Jesse stared up at the dark ceiling listening to Ryan soothe Red in the next stall.
No matter what happened after this, he would never forget the way she loved him.
The colt. The man.
Both of them.
twenty-two
“Your stubborn heart is beautifully shaped and fantastically bold. Keep a good hold on it, don't let it run away without you.”
Oaklawn Park
Hot Springs, AR
“A car is waiting to take you to the airport. You have ten minutes to pack your things before security forcibly removes you.”
Ryan's mouth opened in shock as she stared at Caleb's hard face. “What?” she breathed.
“You're fired,” he responded flatly.
“Why? What did I do?” she asked, her voice rising in pitch as the back of her eyes began to burn. Her body's instant tremble was in response to her heart taking off at a gallop. This had to be a bad dream. No way was this actually happening. Not right now, not here, not at all.
Caleb glanced around the training paddock with undisguised irritation. They were relatively alone, but this was by no means a private conversation. Ryan's eyes flicked over the familiar faces milling around and wondered briefly what she had done to constitute a public reprimand in front of her peers. It didn't seem like Caleb's style. He was notoriously private. Especially in regards to circumstances that might produce an emotional and therefore uncomfortable result.
Jesse must have heard her because his head rotated their direction and his body followed shortly after.
As far as Ryan knew, everything was fine. Well, as fine as it could be what with their insanely dysfunctional circumstances. She'd told Jesse about her visit with Caleb, he'd gone to see the owner as requested the next morning. They'd had a conversation that had Jesse looking forward to the next race.
When Caleb had shown up later that afternoon to watch Red's workout, Ryan hadn't suspected anything was out of the ordinary.
Why should she?
“What's going on?” Jesse asked when he'd come close enough to be heard.
“Ryan has been let go,” Caleb informed him. “Doc will be joining us tonight to take over on Red's nutrition and medical care.”
Jesse's expression went from suspicious to irate in a half of a breath. He took a step towards the owner. Caleb narrowed his eyes and his body tensed. “Are we going to have a problem with this, Hart? Because any argument from you will produce a similar result.”
“What the hell are you doing?” Jesse asked in a low growl, his question clear in meaning.
“This,” Caleb waved a hand at Jesse. “This is exactly the reason she has to go. I need a team I can rely on. She's in your head. You're getting sloppy and the colt is taking the brunt of it. I can't allow it to go on. You'll have to play house on your own dime.” He focused on Ryan again, something dark passing through his expression. “And,” he emphasized. “I don't like being told what to do.”
Ryan blinked furiously, trying to quell the outrage of her beating heart. She knew she shouldn't have gone to talk to him, knew there was going to be a consequence of some kind. She'd brought his on herself. “But I wasn't — You can't — ” Her voice broke off as anger took her words from her. Anger at herself, at Caleb, at the circumstances.
“I can and I did,” Caleb said firmly, turning his flat, dead eyes on her. “You will be compensated for the rest of the season, but you're too much of a liability to stay.”
“A liability?” she asked with a gasp.
Caleb checked his watched. “Seven minutes. Whatever you don't have packed, gets left.” He nodded to the two burly men with matching pairs of sunglasses and matching tough guy scowls separating from the small crowd of onlookers that had gathered and were watching agape.
Ryan's eyes flew to Jesse's. They couldn't fight this. Not right now. Not with Caleb's henchmen right there and not with all they had worked so hard to achieve on the line. If she resi
sted, it was likely that Jesse would be let go, too.
And then who would Red have?
Red.
Her head twisted to see the big horse breezing down the track. She wasn't even going to get to say goodbye.
A single tear escaped and she sucked in a breath before she took off running for the stable. Somewhere in the rushing of blood in her ears she heard Jesse running after her.
Passing stable boys, grooms, jockeys in a blur of color and recognition, she went straight for the stall she had been sharing with her best friend all week long. Part of her knew the end was always looming on the horizon. She just thought she'd have more than six minutes to pack and say goodbye.
She landed on her knees and began to shove her things into her single bag. Most of it was already packed, just a few odds and ends really. Her fingers caught on the edge of the book she was reading out loud to Jesse the night before.
“Let me talk to him, I can get him to change his mind.”
Ryan glanced up at Jesse. “No. Red needs you.”
Jesse hit his knees in front of her. “We both need you.”
Ryan stilled, the stark ache in Jesse's eyes holding her captive. He was right. They both needed her. But nothing could be done. Not in the remaining minutes they'd been given.
“I wish I knew what was happening,” she confessed softly.
Jesse's jaw tightened, rage flashing through his features. “He's out of his mind.”
“What if he's not?” she asked quietly. Jesse's eyebrows snapped together. She didn't have much more than that — a stray idea, an incomplete thought. They shared a look that spoke for the both of them. He understood what she was implying.
She shook her head and took a firm hold of the book before pressing it against Jesse's chest. His hand caught it, but his eyes didn't leave hers. “Promise me you'll be careful,” she whispered.
His eyes flashed with understanding. “I promise.”
Ryan slung her laptop bag over her shoulder as she stood up. Jesse lifted her duffle and followed her out of the stable.
She felt the eyes of the observers on her as they walked slowly to the town car waiting at the entrance. She could only imagine what they were thinking. Jesse and Ryan were a team, had been one all season. Her leaving was bound to cause talk. Talk that would no doubt reach the ears of those who wanted to hurt their chances at making a solid Derby run.
Stubborn Hearts Page 16
