by Sara V. Zook
“What’d you say?” I asked, chuckling.
Lilah smiled even bigger. “Nothing.”
“Uh-huh,” I mumbled, jumping on top of her and pinning her down. She squealed and didn’t even attempt to put up a fight. “Tired, Cross?”
“Yes.”
I moved beside her and watched as she faced me now. We just laid there as I stared into her blue eyes and pushed a strand of her hair behind her ear. “Thank you for coming with me. It means a lot.”
“No one should have to do this alone.” She reached for my hand and intertwined her fingers with mine. Her hand felt so small. “Do you have any brothers or sisters?”
“Nope.” I sighed, thinking about my mom, my rock, out in the other room just lying there waiting to take her last breath. A heavy sadness crept over me then, grasping my heart.
“She was a pretty great mother, wasn’t she?” Lilah asked.
“Yeah, the best. She gave up everything to give me everything. She sacrificed her own happiness.” I paused for a moment. “I should’ve been here for her, came earlier than this. She’s not going to wake up now.” I felt the tears come and felt ashamed at how much this woman was seeing me cry.
Lilah reached up and traced a path of one of the tears with her fingertip. “You heard Lena. She knows you’re here. She knows you love her. You didn’t know she was so bad.”
I shook my head, the regret the hardest thing right now to swallow.
“You didn’t know, Nicky. It’s not your fault. What matters is that you’re here now.” She squeezed my hand even tighter. “You’re here for her, and I’m here for you.”
“Why are you here for me?” I whispered. “I shouldn’t have asked you to come here to this crap town.”
Lilah smiled and wiped away more tears from my wet cheeks. “Nicky, stop it. I want to be here. I’m touched you asked me.” She stared intently at me. “I feel a connection with you. I’ve never felt this way before. It’s hard for me to admit.” She looked away for a second. “We barely know each other, but I just like you so much.”
I let go of her hand and cupped her face in my palms. “You’re driving me crazy, Lilah. I need to be with you.” I nudged her nose with mine and then brought my lips to hers, pressing gently and closing my eyes. I pulled away to look at her beautiful face, to see what kind of emotion she was expressing. She kept her eyes closed for a few more seconds, her lips parted slightly, and then she smiled as she opened her eyes and gazed at me beneath those long lashes of hers.
“Lilah?”
“Hmm?” Her sleepy eyes fluttered warmly at me.
“Do you still have that gun with you?”
Her eyes opened wider now. “The gun?”
“The one you keep in your purse. Did you bring it?”
“Yeah,” she whispered. “Why do you ask?”
I sat up a little and propped up my head with my elbow now against the bed. “A girl like you shouldn’t have a gun like that on you—you shouldn’t need to have it on you. You should feel protected. Let me protect you, Lilah Cross.”
She swallowed. “Okay.”
“Yeah?”
She smiled. “I do feel protected with you already. It’s easy for me to say yes to that.”
I didn’t like her having that thing in her purse. It made me nervous, not for myself, but for Lilah. I didn’t want her to do anything out of haste and have her possibly regret something. I didn’t want her tainted or ruined in any way. I liked her the way she was now.
“Have you ever fired that thing?” I questioned her.
She bit her lip. “No.”
“Where’d you get it from?”
Lilah smiled. I could tell that gun had been her dirty little secret. “My dad.”
“Really?” That was a surprising answer. I figured she’d bought it off the street or something. “As a present or what?”
She sighed. “He has a collection of them.” Lilah stared at me for a moment as if hesitating. “He’s a senator.”
“No shit.”
That made her grin widen.
“You serious?”
She nodded. “Senator Humphrey Cross.”
That made me wonder if her dad was on Carmine’s payroll. I’d have to check into that later. “I want you to give me the gun. I don’t want you carrying it around.”
“Okay,” she whispered, brushing her lips against mine before standing up and going over to her purse, which she had put on my desk. She held up the weapon for me to see. “Here you go.”
I reached for it and opened up a drawer on the side of my bed and put it inside. “Good girl.”
She came back over to me and climbed onto the bed, curling into my chest.
“A senator’s daughter, huh? Sexy.” I went in for another kiss. I couldn’t get enough of this woman. She smelled so damn good, and I just wanted her. Last night had felt like a tease. I just wanted to feel something other than this dread. Lilah was like a drug numbing out the pain. I wanted more. I leaned in for a deeper kiss, wrapping my hands around her back and pressing her into me, inhaling her scent. Her body seemed to want me just as bad as I wanted her as her hands skimmed underneath my shirt, her nails digging into my skin. My lips moved down to her neck and collar bone and back up to her ear lobe. She was stunning. I’d never felt so attracted to someone before. I pulled the comforter up over both of our heads. Tonight Lilah Cross was mine.
36
CROSS
Sunlight poured in from the front window as Nicky and I sat at the small, round kitchen table and ate the scrambled eggs and blueberry waffles that Lena had made for us. I sipped on my coffee and kept catching Nicky watching me. Sometimes I’d pretend not to notice and other times I’d meet his gaze. What a perfect night we’d spent in his room. I felt almost bad for feeling this happy, knowing his poor mother was in the other room struggling just to breathe, but the truth was, I did feel happy—extraordinarily so. This man had changed my entire life in the blink of an eye. I wished I knew what he was thinking, to know if he liked me as much as I did him.
“Boy, you two have quite the appetite this morning,” Lena commented, swooping up some dirty plates in one swift motion and carrying them to the sink.
Nicky’s stare crashed into mine, and it was all I could do not to burst out laughing. My eyes moved to his chest, which now had a black long-sleeved tee covering it, but last night—I stuffed another bite of egg in my mouth and forced myself to look away before the inappropriate thoughts could torment me.
“Are you a caretaker or a housekeeper?” Nicky asked Lena.
“Sometimes I can’t tell the difference.” Lena flashed him a smile. She was a sweet woman. “It’s nice, though, to have people here who actually want to eat. Other than myself, your mom hasn’t wanted anything, so it’s not like I was ever slaving away in front of the oven or anything.”
“This place looks really cleaned up,” Nicky continued. “I’m glad you could stay here with Mom.”
Lena’s cheeks flushed red from the compliments. She swatted the air as if Nicky was making too big a deal. “Aw, your mom is a doll. She’s the easiest going person I’ve ever helped out, and I mean that. Sometimes you get these nasty old people, and all they do is gripe all day and say you’re not doing anything right at all, but not your mom. It was all I could do to get her to sit down and rest. I had to keep up with her. She was a ball of energy.”
Somehow I doubted that was true, but I credited Lena for the effort at making Nicky feel better. He was staring into his coffee mug as if lost in a memory. I looked at his mouth and couldn’t help but think how it was all over mine last night. He was the best kisser. I had to bite my bottom lip and cause myself pain to bring myself back to the present. I shouldn’t be thinking about his body like this, knowing his mom was so sick, but it was just so hard not to.
Lena walked into the other room.
“Are you trying to draw blood or what?” Nicky remarked.
“What?” I asked, raising my eyebrows.
>
He smirked. “The way you were biting down on your lip there.”
“Oh.” I grinned and picked up my coffee.
His eyes weren’t leaving mine. “Have fun last night?”
“Fun? Yeah, I’d say it was fun.” My heart was thumping wildly within my chest.
His smirk turned into a wide grin. He was about to say something else when Lena cried out from the living area.
“Mr. Cain!” Her voice sounded panicked. “Mr. Cain, come quickly!”
His smile instantly disappeared and was replaced by a look of horror as he practically sprinted out of the kitchen. I slowly got up from the chair. I didn’t want to impose on his last moments with his mother, but the truth was, I was scared to death to see how much this would tear him apart. I had been hoping it wouldn’t happen for a few more days, that we would get the time to further explore this Lazerne place, the town that shaped Nicky Cain as a person. I was being selfish, but I hadn’t expected his mother to hit rock bottom this soon. Maybe Lena had been right, she had just been holding on until her son got there.
I forced myself to go to the entranceway of the living room. Nicky was bent over his mother’s hospital bed again, his hand clasped firmly on top of her hers. Lena had tears streaming down her face as the ill woman’s chest went up and down even slower than yesterday, but with greater effort.
“Don’t leave me,” Nicky begged, his head buried into her shoulder. “Please, don’t leave me.”
My chest tightened. What a heartbreaking moment to see him grasping on to last hopes. I felt my own tears surface as my hand went to my face and rested against my cheek. His distress was ripping me apart.
Nicky’s mother suddenly gasped. She opened her eyes and stared up at her son. She struggled to inhale and then—there was nothing, no more movement. She wasn’t able to exhale again. She was gone. That was it.
Tears streamed down my face as I watched Nicky sob. He was hysterical as he clung onto his lifeless mother. Lena walked over and closed the woman’s eyes. She, too, cried and held onto the woman’s frail hand. The love between mother and son, at least this one, was a strong bond. I could only hope that someday I might have that kind of bond. I had never seen someone care so much about someone else before. I was amazed that Nicky had invited me here with him, that he knew I was seeing this side of him now. I felt like I was in forbidden territory. It only added to the way I felt for him.
I walked over and placed a gentle hand on Nicky’s back. He turned to me and buried his face in my stomach as the sobs continued to come. I hugged his head tight, my fingers running through his dark hair as I tried to soothe him during this awful time in his life. I knew I was falling in love with this man. I was probably already more in love with him than I was willing to admit to myself yet. He was a complicated person to figure out. He seemed insanely rich, he had shot and killed Mark without hesitation, I barely knew him but yet felt like I knew enough to be this connected, and he had offered his house to me without a single question about Mark, knowing that he was my husband. That was a lot to sort through when I thought about it. Nicky had this incredible strength inside of him, yet was amazingly gentle. I should have been terrified of someone who walked into someone else’s home and shot a person like that. The emphasis was on should be. There was a look in those dark eyes of his that told me everything was okay now that he was in my life. I trusted him enough to tell him where I’d gotten that gun. The pieces were falling into place, and it just seemed right.
I stood there as Nicky continued to need me to hold onto him. I glanced down at his mother, seeing her deteriorated features and seeing how much the cancer had destroyed her, wondering what she’d looked like before, when she was healthy. I grasped onto the back of Nicky’s hair and let him take all the time he needed. I knew I’d be there always for him, whatever he needed, I was all his. There was no need for words right now. I sucked in a gulp of air as I realized the significance of this moment as the death of Nicky’s mother brought us even closer.
37
CAIN
These last few days had been an awful blur. I wished I could forget them. I gripped onto the steering wheel of my car with my left hand, my right hand secured in the warmth of Lilah’s who was seated in the passenger seat as we headed back to Haven. Lilah was the only reason I was able to make it through this whole ordeal. I had always believed that Mom would beat the cancer, not the other way around. There was nothing harder than watching the woman who raised me, who had supported me in every way, get shovelfuls of dirt tossed on her casket. It was depressing as hell. I almost attacked the graveyard worker when I saw him lowering her into the ground. I wanted to punch him in the face and just keep wailing away at him until he was the lifeless one needing buried. I almost crumbled, but then I looked over at Lilah, her face full of worry aimed toward me, and I was able to hold it together. I didn’t want her to think I was a psycho, and I’m pretty sure every other person there would’ve had that same thought if I had acted on my impulses.
We had a private viewing followed by a small funeral. Lena had been able to plan it all out as my mom had wished during the time she’d spent at the house with her. I remembered her trying to bring up the subject of her funeral to me once, but I just shrugged it off. I didn’t want to admit the fact that my mother could die. We didn’t have any family except for my mom’s older brother who was a worthless piece of shit who had tried to get money from mom more than a few times when I was younger. He showed up all scruffy and looked like he hadn’t taken the time to even take a shower for his own sister’s funeral. It had been another thing that pissed me off, but I just nodded at him, acknowledged his presence. He had done the same, and we left it at that. No words needed, just how I liked it. His son, Stan, my cousin who had let me borrow his car, was there, too. We had grown up together almost like brothers. He had stayed at my house a lot when we were younger. I appreciated him showing up, if only he could talk some fucking sense into his old man.
Tina had shown up at the viewing. She came over and gave me a hug. Her eyes had landed on Lilah, and that was enough to send her scurrying off in a whirlwind of jealousy—or regret. Whichever it was, I hoped it stung. So what if I had treated Tina like crap back in Haven? She had no right showing up there anyway. I wasn’t about to feel bad about it. She had come to the city, saw that I had a nice place and nice car, and that was all she needed to know before she decided to try to seduce me back into her life. Mom dying only gave me even more motive for looking in this rearview mirror and kissing Lazerne goodbye. She was the only thing tying me to this town, not some Tina Eskin who would sleep with me and then turn around and go sleep with Seton and work her way up to Carmine until she had enough money to buy her happiness. That’s all she cared about—being a gold-digger.
I don’t know who the preacher was that Lena had found to do the funeral ceremony, but I didn’t like him at all. His voice was annoying as hell, and his fat neck bulged out of the top of his too-tight neck collar. I kept watching the button as he spoke, waiting for it to come flying open so his skin could have some room to breathe. He didn’t even know my mother, but he kept acting like he did, talking about her soul and whatnot. It pissed me off. The truth was, I was pretty pissed off at the world right now. I felt a strange rage inside of me roaring to get out. All I needed to do was turn my head and see that hot blonde sitting to my right, and she tamed that anger right down—but only slightly. She didn’t even know how much I needed her right now, but I planned on keeping Lilah Cross around for a while. If anyone got in my way, I was going to knock their fucking teeth out.
Lena had been nice. We had exchanged phone numbers, and I said I’d keep in touch, but I knew that wasn’t true. Why would I keep in touch with her? She had done her job, was hired by Carmine to haul mom around to the doctor’s and take care of her. Now that mom was gone, Lena could move onto the next sick patient. I wondered how many people she’d seen die like that. It took a special kind of person to do a job like that one. I
would never be cut out for something like that.
I felt Lilah squeeze gently on my hand. It brought me out of my thoughts of dwelling on my pissed off mood. I glanced over at her. She pressed her lips together in a small smile. I did the same back, assuring her I was okay and wasn’t about to drive the car off of some cliff or into oncoming traffic.
There were a few things I still had to figure out in Lazerne, like selling Mom’s house. I didn’t want it. It had been home and served its purpose, but I wasn’t going to hold onto it just for memory’s sake. I had thought about renting it out, but what a pain that’d be. The kind of people that would rent it would wreck it or probably not even pay their bill on time. I’d end up killing them, and that meant more messes for Seton to clean up. I didn’t want any reason at all to return to this shithole town. I belonged in Haven now. Stan had mentioned years ago about wanting a house like Mom’s. Maybe he’d be up for buying it. I’d have to give him a call later and see what his thoughts were on that idea.
My phone beeped again. It was jammed down in a cup holder. I let go of Lilah’s hand to retrieve it and glanced down at the screen. Seriously—another call from Tina? That would make the fifth call I’d ignored in the past hour. I grumbled and put it back down, reaching for Lilah’s hand again. Tina was being relentless, annoyingly so. I might have to get my cell phone number changed just so I wouldn’t have to ever see that name pop up again. I mean, what could she possibly want? There was nothing left to say. She could tell me she was sorry my mom was dead until she was blue in the face. It didn’t change the fact that my mother was still dead, and it didn’t change the fact that Tina Eskin was still a whore.
“Everything okay?” Lilah asked.
I glanced at her out of the corner of my eye as I finally reached the highway and could gain some distance between myself and Lazerne. I nodded. “Just ready to be back in Haven.”
“Me, too,” she whispered, crossing her legs. She had on a knee-length skirt. She had gone shopping the other day, and man, those bare legs were driving me crazy as my mind drifted back to the other night. It was great, yet the morning after the worst day of my life. I was enjoying these moments with Lilah, but it was the last night spent in that house with my mother. Damn it. I hated being this fucking sad.
