by Lexi Banks
“I don’t think so,” she finally answered, much too cautiously. “I’m a real mess over here. I think it might be better to leave it tonight and I’ll see how I feel in the morning. I might even be much better then, you know?”
“Right. I see.” I couldn’t keep the weird clipped tone from my voice. She’d rejected my offer and hurt me, I could tell there was something being held back, and if she didn’t open up soon, I would explode. “Fine.”
“Are you mad at me?” All of a sudden, she transformed into the needy one. “Because I don’t want that, I just feel too ill to see anyone tonight, that’s all. I don’t want to upset you at all. Sorry if I’ve offended you...”
I clutched onto my forehead, blown away by my selfishness. I became so wrapped up in my own needs that I didn’t think about what Maddie might need. Of course, she might not want to see me as much now when not well, probably because she wanted to look good for me like I did her, and I’d been so sick before that I didn’t want to see anyone. She didn’t say that she didn’t want to see me, she said she didn’t want to see anyone. That was different.
“Sorry, no, of course, you haven’t. I didn’t mean to come across that way, sorry about that. I’m just worried about you, that’s all. I want to be there to help you if I can. If you need anything, please let me know, okay?”
“Sure,” she answered sadly. “Thank you, Parker, I appreciate it very much. That’s kind of you.”
“Yeah. You’re welcome,” I answered in a hollow tone of voice. “I hope to speak to you soon.”
I didn’t feel right as I hung up the phone. I felt all out of sorts. On the one hand, I could see what Maddie was saying, I understood that she wanted to be by herself while she was sick, but on the other, I couldn’t shake the feeling that she had something hidden. I wanted to know what she was keeping from me. I scanned my brain, trying to work out what it could be related to but I came up with nothing. In just a short space of time, she had become an enigma to me. I’d lost that connection, that in I used to have. That would have been worth sacrificing if what I would get at the other end of things was even better, but that possibility seemed to be slipping away by the second.
Just give it a little time, I tried to convince myself. Give us both the space to figure out what’s next. Worrying won’t help; it’ll just make me do something irrational and stupid. No one wants that.
But I didn’t have anything to distract me; there wasn’t anything else to think about. Right now, I didn’t have anything more prominent in my life than Maddie, and that felt like a nightmare. One which wouldn’t end.
The worst part was, I still couldn’t confirm that the issue wasn’t me!
Chapter 22 – Madison
Wednesday
I sighed deeply while I stared at my cell phone screen, examining all the messages that Parker had sent me. I felt bad, I didn’t want to leave him hanging, but until I’d worked out what was going on with me, I needed to keep him at arm’s length. I didn’t want to cut ties with him completely, but I had to face this by myself. I guess the sad part about that was if we were just friends still, I would’ve told him everything right away. I would’ve needed his support. It hurt to know that I’d lost that side of our friendship, but what could I expect? Things had changed.
“Are you okay?” Tina asked me while rubbing my arm gently. I knew she felt bad, and I wanted to tell her not to, but the knowledge that I had an appointment to find out the truth one way or another which she’d thrust upon me was almost too much to bear. “You still don’t have to be here, you know? I totally understand if it’s too hard.”
“No, no.” I shook my head empathically. “I’m much better here. Sitting at home doesn’t help me.”
All I did at home was think and get sad. I remembered my mom too much which wasn’t easy. It made me cry far too much. At least if I was here I knew that I was doing something productive. Even if it was for other people.
“Okay, well you know that I’m here for you, right? You know if you need anything I’ll help you out.”
I nodded. I felt grateful for her help, but for now, I just wanted to forget about that damn torturous lump on my breast, and I wanted to be normal. Burying my head in work was the only way I could achieve that.
“Thank you, Tina. I’ll be fine, I’m sure of it. Don’t worry about me; focus on everyone else.”
She walked off into the room of the next patient she needed to speak with, leaving me alone in a pit of terror. I kept trying my hardest to shake it off like a dog just out of the ocean, but the worry clung to me. It had become so embedded in my skin that it threatened to consume me all the time. Even seeing Tina made the come flooding back, which was just another reason I couldn’t let Parker witness me falling apart. It was all too new for that.
It’ll be fine, I tried my hardest to reassure myself, like I seemed to spend more of my time doing these days. Come Friday, I’ll have something of an answer. I only have a couple more days to get through. I can do that...
I clutched the clipboard in my hands much closer to my chest and turned to walk off too. I fixed my eyes downwards, finding looking at my feet the only thing that could comfort me as the snake of anxiety coiled its way through my body, touching each one of my organs with its nasty emotions. The constant movement gave me something a little calming to focus on; it helped me to calm my ragged breaths down...
“Hello.” All of a sudden, I was shaken from my panting by a small familiar voice calling to me.
“Hi, Olive.” As I lay my eyes on her, I was immediately struck by how much happier she looked. It was as if she’d been carrying around a heavy weight on her shoulders recently, and that was now gone. “How are you?”
She nodded and smiled. “I’m okay. My mom is feeling a little better, and I went to school the other day.”
“You did?” I bent down onto my knees to meet her eyes. “That’s great news, and how was it?”
“Better than I expected. Thank you for telling me it would be. I wasn’t so scared.”
I rubbed her arms and gave her a genuine smile. Her news somehow managed to uplift me a little bit too, which was a miracle considering my current mood. “Well, that’s just awesome. Your friends were fine?” She nodded. “Oh, great. They must love you very much. You’re a very lucky girl. Especially if your mom is getting better.”
“She is. She looks much better today. My dad is in the room with her now. I better get back.”
I pushed myself into a standing position and watched her walk away. For all that she was going through, the girl had her head held high. I could use a lesson from her. I needed to buck myself up just a little bit.
“Okay, well you get back. I’m sure I’ll see you soon, with even better news than before.”
She practically skipped off into her mom’s room leaving me with a smile on my face. Seeing her go made me realize that I needed the people in my life too. I needed Parker, even if it was only in a friendly capacity...
Ring, ring... Ring, ring... Ring, ring...
Almost as if he could sense me, Parker chose that exact moment to call me again as if he could tell that I would answer this time. There was a shake to my hand as I picked it up and spoke to him.
“Hi, Parker.” He must have been able to hear the shudder in my tone. I wonder if he knew what it meant.
“Oh, hi, Maddie.” He sounded so relieved that I’d actually answered the phone which made me feel bad for ignoring him for all this time. “Are you okay? How are you feeling today? Are you any better?”
“Erm... a little, yes.” I didn’t know how to answer that honestly. “Are you okay?”
“I’m very good, thank you. Did you want to go out to lunch today? It feels like forever since I’ve seen you.”
I breathed in deeply and nodded to myself. I couldn’t keep avoiding him forever. He would probably stick around until Friday, but I didn’t want to risk it. I’d pushed him away for far too long now. “Yes, I don’t see why not.”
&
nbsp; “Great, I’ll swing by at the hospital; is that where you are?” I made an agreeable sound. “See you soon.”
I SAT ACROSS THE TABLE from Parker, drinking in the happy café atmosphere. I didn’t usually leave the hospital for lunch so this felt nice. It was relaxing; it helped me to forget just a little bit. If only Parker’s expression matched that. He kept giving me an odd look out the side of his eye as if he didn’t trust that I was okay.
I guess he knew me better than I wanted to believe. He could still see me, even if things had changed.
“Will you stop looking at me like that?” I laughed, but the sound was much too fake. “I’m better now.”
“I know, I’ve just been worried about you. That’s all. I wanted to come and see you while you were sick.”
I squirmed in my seat, wishing I could just tell him everything. The words sat on the edge of my tongue, desperate to burst free, but there was a little block there keeping them inside. A wall up, keeping me stuck. Every time I considered telling him anything, I thought about my mom and how hard it was. Not just at the end, but all the way through. It was challenging the entire time, and I didn’t want anyone to go through what I did.
“Yeah, well I’m okay now, so pass the fries, will you? I’m starving now.”
I could see his shoulders unfurl as he saw how hungry I was. I guess he put a lot of weight on my appetite, which was lucky because this was the first time I’d felt starving in ages. It was as if my stomach had unknotted.
“How have you been anyway? You look like you’ve caught the sun a little. You been out a lot?”
“Oh.” He glanced down at his arms. “Yeah, me and Buster went golfing so it must have been from then. You know, while we were out he started talking about marriage. Like, he actually might want to marry this Lola.”
I giggled and shook my head in shock. “I can’t believe that. He’s moving so fast.”
“I suppose he’s an ‘all or nothing’ guy, isn’t he? I just hope he doesn’t push her away by speeding on.”
“After all the grief he’s given you about your love life. Can you believe it...?”
I started off laughing, but I suddenly realized that wasn’t a safe topic anymore. His love life and the terrible women he’d picked before were something we couldn’t joke about anymore. God, this was weird. I would have to be much smarter in the future to ensure things didn’t get strained between us.
“Yeah, I know.” Parker sounded a little weird as he answered me too. “So odd.”
A thick silence clung to the air for a while, during which time both of us chewed quietly. We’d had silences before, I was sure of it, but this one felt painful. It was yet another reminder that things were different. I had a little bit of grief inside of me, a yearning for how things used to be. We couldn’t ever go back to where we were. Perhaps we shouldn’t have bothered caving into the feelings we shared between us, I should have thought more about where this would leave us afterward. Talk about plowing forwards without thinking of the consequences.
“Did you want me to come to the hospital to help you this week? I can do tomorrow or Friday?”
At the mention of the word Friday, my emotions balled up in my throat. I tried to keep the strain off my face, but it probably showed anyway. I couldn’t even begin to imagine how awful it would be to have him at the hospital on Friday while I was going through that appointment. I needed to deal with that by myself.
“Oh, I don’t know. I’m not too sure if I’ll be around either of those days. Well, in the hospital anyway.” I could hear myself babbling, but I couldn’t make it stop. “I’ll be in the lab so I might not be able to see you.”
Parker furrowed his eyebrows, clearly not fully believing me. “Oh right, I see.”
I needed to make it right. “But maybe one day next week? I’m sure I’ll be around then?”
“Well, I hope to see you before the weekend,” he chuckled nervously. “But sure, whatever you think.”
Urgh, this was so hard. I felt like I’d overcomplicated everything. I’d dug myself into this pit that I couldn’t quite climb out of. Yet. There was still time. Hopefully, once Friday had come and gone my brain would be less foggy, and I’d be in a much better position to make some serious decisions. It was only a couple more days. I could hold out for that. In the grand scheme of things, it wasn’t much time at all. If this turned into something real then
“So, did you win your game of golf?” I asked with a smirk, trying to change the subject. I hated to be so cowardly, but the short time made it easier. “Or did loved-up Buster kick your ass?”
Parker looked a little blown away by the sudden change of subject, but thankfully he went with it. “Oh, no. Being in love has made Buster even worse than before. I absolutely destroyed him. He couldn’t keep up.”
I smiled and listened to him talk about Buster for a while, enjoying the nonsensical subject. It was much easier for me to think about anything else but my issues, even if it was some golf game that happened earlier in the week.
Just two more days, I breathed deeply as I told myself. Just two more days, that’s it.
Chapter 23 – Parker
Friday
I didn’t feel right. I hadn’t felt right since I first woke up in the morning. There was something about today that was freaking Maddie out. As soon as I mentioned the word ‘Friday,’ her whole body reacted. She was one hundred percent keeping something from me; I’d already worked that much out. Now I needed to figure out what it was. If I thought it linked to today, then I needed to make sure that I saw her today, even if that involved going to the hospital to see her. If I left it until she went home, there was a chance she’d find a way to avoid me somehow.
With sheer determination coursing through my veins and the certain knowledge that I was doing the right thing, I grabbed a shirt, found my car keys, and left my home to see her. Once in the car, I needed to turn the music up so loud I couldn’t hear my thoughts anymore. I didn’t want to listen to the nagging doubt that this was all wrong. I knew she’d asked me not to come... or she’d suggested that she would see me later on, but still...
It’s going to be fine, I tried to shut my brain right down. It’ll be alright, honestly.
As if to confirm my nagging doubts about this mission, I managed to hit every single red light along the way. It felt like it took me forever to get to the hospital. I wondered if there was an intervention, signaling me to stop... but I rapidly had to shake that thought away before it consumed me entirely. I was doing this now! It was too late.
When I finally got to the hospital, the parking lot was damn near empty, which was something. It allowed me to find a space really quickly. Just at the moment that I needed a little extra time to get my head in gear, I wasn’t granted that. Fate pushed me forwards and sent me through the doors and into the hospital area. My heart thundered in my chest, my stomach did flip flops, my lungs constricted painfully, but I kept on pushing on. I needed to find Maddie, and I kept that thought at the forefront of my mind all the time. I had to find out what was wrong.
“Hey, Parker!” I heard a distinctly familiar female voice, but it didn’t belong to Maddie unfortunately.
“Hi, Tina,” I turned to give her a small smile. “How’s it going? Have you seen Madison around?”
“Oh, that’s sweet of you to come, but you’re a little too late I’m afraid. She’s already in with the doctor.”
“Huh?” That word didn’t compute. I couldn’t quite place it in context with Maddie. “The doctor, why?”
“To get her lump tested.” Her eyebrows knotted together in confusion. “That is why you’re here, isn’t it?”
It would’ve been so simple to agree, to tell her that yes, I’d come to see Maddie because I knew that she had some appointment with a doctor in relation to a lump that she’d found... but the lie didn’t come. This was obviously what Madison had been hiding from me; it was far more serious than I ever dared to consider. I thought it was because of m
e, because she didn’t want to continue on hooking up with me. How wrong I was. Poor Maddie had been far too preoccupied with something a lot more serious to be worried about our stupid little thing. I was nothing.
“I... I don’t know anything.” I shook my head and panted breathlessly. “What’s going on? She’s been keeping this from me.” I gave Tina a desperate look. “Tell me what’s happening so I can help her. I need to help her.”
Tina chewed on her bottom lip as if she regretted what she’d already told me. I didn’t care about that; it was too late now. The words had burst free now, and I had to have everything. Before I crumbled and fell apart.
“I don’t know what I can say...” she drawled slowly. “But she found a lump on her breast, which of course is much more of an issue for her than anyone else because of what happened with her mom, so she’s getting tested.”
I couldn’t believe she hadn’t told me, it stunned me to the core. I would have been there for her; I could have helped her through all of this. Whatever she needed I would have made it happen for her. Didn’t she know that?
“I... I don’t understand.” I slumped backward, luckily falling onto a chair behind me. “She’s sick?”
Tina perched on the chair next to me and gave me a look. “I’m sorry, I guess she didn’t tell you because she wanted to work it out on her own first. You know what she’s like, she always needs to be strong! I didn’t mean to blurt it out like that either; if I’d suspected that you might not know, I would’ve kept it to myself. But we don’t know if she’s sick or not yet; that’s why she’s getting tested. It could be absolutely nothing; that happens all the time.”
But Tina didn’t sound sure, and I didn’t feel it. Since Maddie’s mom died from the exact same thing, it seemed more than reasonable to be worried. Maddie was so strong; she had absolutely no idea how powerful she was. She’s suffered the fear all by herself, probably so as not to worry others, knowing what she was like.
