by Lexi Banks
“Is she in with the doctor now?” I clutched onto Tina’s arm. “Can I go and wait for her?”
“I don’t know if that’s a good idea. Not if she didn’t want you to know...”
“But I do know now. Please, don’t do this to me. Don’t keep me in the dark for longer than I need to be. You don’t know how strongly I feel for Maddie. I lo...” I stopped myself, just before the words could come out, but that made no difference. Tina’s eyes widened in shock as she realized where I was going with this.
“R... right, I see,” she stammered. “Well, if that’s the case then I’ll show you where she is. Just tell her I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you didn’t know, which is why I accidentally blurted it out. I don’t want her to hate me.”
“Of course I will!” I didn’t want Tina and Maddie to fall out either. It seemed that she was going to need all the support she could get. “I’ll make it very obvious that I dragged it out of you. She won’t blame you.”
I tried to keep my whole body steadily walking forwards behind Tina, but my knees were knocking together, there was a deep tremble racing up and down my spine. The knowledge that Maddie was in some doctor’s office right now going through the most traumatic event of her life, shook me to the core. I didn’t know what to do with that information. It hurt, it stung, it darted all through my body so painfully I wanted to scream. But this wasn’t about me. I couldn’t make this all about my issue with it at all. I had to be Maddie’s rock.
“I’m so scared my mom’s going to die,” I could recall her saying when we were very young, too young for either of to really understand it. “I don’t know what to do about it. How can I save her life?”
I didn’t know what to say then, but I knew I had to be her rock. All I could do was offer her my arm and let her lean into me. She sobbed against my chest right at the age where girls had cooties anyway, the idea of them weeping was almost too much to bear, but I overcame my initial instinct, and I held her tight.
“You’re such a good friend,” she said to me once she calmed down just a little bit. “I don’t know what I’d do without you. Will you promise me that you’ll always be there for me?” I nodded. “Thank you, Parker.”
I had kept to that promise, yet she didn’t speak to me during this time. That meant something; maybe we would have to go back to just being friends. Right now, that could be all we had left. Much as it would crush me to lose the chemistry which I adored so much, I truly did love her enough to let her go.
“Here you are,” Tina said sadly. “She’s just in there so if you want to take a seat here...”
“Thank you, Tina, I appreciate you bringing me here. I’ll look after Maddie, I promise.”
Tina gave me one last look, and I could see the deep worry coming from her. I shared that emotion; it gave us a little something to connect over, not that it was the best way to build a bond. But that didn’t last long because soon she was gone, she had returned back to work leaving me alone with the door. The doctor’s door, which blocked me from learning the full truth. The one thing that stood between me and everything Maddie was going through.
Damn door, I thought angrily to myself. I just want to kick it down.
But I didn’t. I stayed where I was bouncing my leg up and down as a small way to let the stress out. If I wasn’t so concerned that I would miss Maddie leaving the room, I’d have paced up and down the hallway. It felt like sheer agony to sit still. Especially since my brain wouldn’t stop darting everywhere.
It felt like forever had passed, at one point I could swear the clock was ticking louder just to wind me up, but eventually, that door swung open and I saw her face. Maddie’ tear-stained, devastated face. She looked heartbroken, which made the terror even colder. What if she’d just been given the worst news ever?
“Maddie.” I jumped up from my seat and reached my hands out to her. “Are you okay?”
“Parker?” She practically recoiled from me in shock. “What are you doing here? I told you not to come.”
I half felt terrible for disobeying her wishes, but I needed to be here for her. “I’m sorry, but I had to. I could tell that something was wrong and I needed to know what. I’ve been really scared, Maddie.”
She nodded her head slowly, seemingly accepting this. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to worry you.”
“I just came here to see you and Tina didn’t realize I didn’t know about the lump. She said it accidentally.”
“I understand that. I didn’t tell her it was a secret. I didn’t really think... I haven’t been thinking much at all.”
She wasn’t giving anything away about how her appointment went, but I suppose she wouldn’t here.
“Do you want to go for a walk? Do you have time for a break? I think we have some stuff to talk about.”
For a horrible moment, I thought she might disagree. I feared she might block me out once more. But then she nodded, much to my relief. “Yes, I have time. There are things we need to discuss. I have a lot to explain to you, and I’m very sorry for shutting you out thus far. I honestly never meant to upset you.”
“No, I know that. I completely understand. Let’s clear the air now.”
I held out my hand to Maddie, hoping that she’d take it. Admittedly, she did hesitate a moment, but finally, she let me in just a little bit. She let me hold her, to support her, to be there for her. I didn’t much like the situation, but it felt better that I could be in now. I wasn’t sure what I could do, but whatever I could do, I would.
Chapter 24 - Madison
Friday
My head spun violently as Parker led me towards the nearby park. I couldn’t believe that he was here. I felt stunned to the core to walk out of that room to find him there. I could understand how the mishap had happened; I hadn’t warned Tina that Parker didn’t know, so of course, she expected him to have come for me. He seemed to suspect anyway; even two days was too long for me to push him away, which was why he’d come.
I supposed, in a way, this was better. It meant I didn’t have to sit down and explain. I wasn’t sure that I could say those words. I might have cancer. After all that I’d been through, I didn’t think I’d get them out. He knew now, in a much simpler way. I didn’t have to like how it had happened because it was much too late now.
“It looks nice here when the sun is shining, doesn’t it?” Parker commented idly as if this were any other day.
“Erm, yeah I suppose so. It’s much better when it’s warm.” I glanced around looking at all the signs of life. The flowers blooming, the young kids laughing, the couples strolling hand in hand... I suppose me and Parker looked like that, but it was a much different situation. “Sometimes I forget about the outside world when I’m at work.”
“I used to be like that.” A smile spread across Parker’s face. “When I had my business. I locked myself away in the office for days on end, barely even noticing the seasons changing. I got very consumed by it all.”
“I remember, there were times when I didn’t see you for ages. You were always such a busy man.”
I sighed loudly, knowing that this superficial conversation wouldn’t last too long. Underneath it all, there were many conversations burning, needing to be had, and we couldn’t avoid it for too much longer.
“I’m sorry about all of this,” I told Parker quietly. “I’m sorry I pushed you away. I just got a bit shocked by it all, I wasn’t expecting to find a lump, and I have to admit it blew me away. I just needed to process it first.”
Parker nodded in a much too understanding way; I felt bad because he was already being too good to me. If he’d shut me out the way I did him just after we started sleeping together then I would have freaked. He was a nice person. I wasn’t entirely convinced that I deserved him... but it was becoming increasingly clear that I needed him.
“It’s okay; I’m sure it must have been horrible. I get why you wanted to keep it to yourself.”
“Well, you know now.” I could feel hot tears bal
ling up behind my eyes. I needed to keep talking to stop them from spilling down my face. “But after that appointment, I’m sure it’s going to be fine. The doctor wasn’t concerned.”
I felt bad for bringing up another lie after everything that had just happened, but I needed to protect him for a little while longer. The doctor looked incredibly worried to me, which only confirmed that I was in a lot of trouble. But I still wasn’t fully convinced that was something Parker needed to suffer. For now, I preferred him to be calm.
“You think?” His eyes lit up. “You would know, wouldn’t you? Working with cancer?”
I gulped guiltily. Shit, I felt even worse now, but I’d gone down that line. I had to continue with it. “Yeah. All good. I think it’s fine. I’m sure that as soon as I get the results, everything will go back to normal.”
He rested my head against him and held me comfortingly. “I’ll be there for you, no matter what.”
I parted my lips to speak, but the words couldn’t come out. It took every scrap of my strength to keep my tears inside. I couldn’t cry in front of Parker, not now that I’d pretended all was fine. I had to keep up the wall of strength.
“Let’s go and get a sandwich,” Parker said quietly to me. “Have some lunch before you get back to work.”
I wasn’t hungry; my stomach was sickly. I knew that I wouldn’t be able to eat much at all, but since I knew he liked it when I ate on Wednesday, I had to try... for him. If I wanted that wall to remain upright, this was what I needed to do. “Sure, that sounds great. Thank you. There’s a stall around the corner, so let’s go there.”
While Parker ordered the food and he brought it over to me, I felt like I was off floating somewhere else. My head wasn’t really in the park anymore, I’d floated off into another dimension entirely, one where I wasn’t facing cancer. God, I would have given everything to be in that universe right now, the place where everything was okay.
I tried to eat the food, but it had a funny cardboard taste to it. I had to keep it down then for his sake. Still, I couldn’t have it all. I had to chuck over half of it away, so I didn’t throw up. Luckily, Parker didn’t seem to notice. Or if he did, he didn’t comment on it. I guess he was lost in his own thoughts at the time.
“I suppose I better get back to work,” I eventually said quietly. “I don’t want to be late. They’re expecting me.” That wasn’t strictly true, but no point in arguing that point. “They need me for some... bits this afternoon.”
Parker slipped his fingers through mine, and he looked into my eyes. I hoped that he wasn’t about to call me out on my shitty excuse, I only did it to protect him. “Can I see you tomorrow?”
I could have used the time alone, but Parker needed me to so I nodded. “Yes, of course, we can.”
“I’ll take you out for the day. We’ll do something nice, okay? Something to forget for a while.”
I nodded and hoped that I would be able to forget. Now that I was far down through the rabbit hole, I could potentially be too scared, but I had to give it a try. “Sure, sounds great. Thank you very much.”
I let Parker walk me back towards the hospital, with my heart hammering in my chest. I felt crazed going back in there, a part of me that wanted to run away, but it was that or keep up this wall for Parker’s sake.
“I guess I’ll see you tomorrow then,” Parker said while he kissed me on the top of my head. It could have been construed as a friendly gesture or a romantic one; I wasn’t too sure. “I’ll pick you up in the morning, okay?”
“Yep, sounds great. Thank you. I’ll see you then.”
I watched him walk away with my heart shattering in my chest. Then once he was gone and I found myself left in a pool of muddy raw vulnerability, I raced inside and headed straight for the bathroom where I could finally let the wall fall down, and I could crumble. I needed that, after holding it together for such a long time, I needed that collapse. Once I’d gotten some of these emotions out, I could be strong once more.
Thank goodness the room was empty. I clutched onto the first sink I could get my hands on, and I sobbed. I wept and wailed loudly, really letting my emotions run free. The frustration, the sadness, the confusion from my appointment, it all came spilling out, tumbling down my face at a far too rapid pace. I lost it.
“Madison?” I jumped as the door swung open and Tina fell through it. “Maddie? I saw you come in here. Are you okay? I’m so sorry about what happened with Parker; I really thought he knew. Don’t hate me for it.”
I fell against her chest and cried a little harder. “I don’t hate you; it isn’t your fault. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”
“How was the appointment? What did the doctor say to you? Did he give you anything to go on?”
I felt much easier telling Tina the truth what had happened. The pressure wouldn’t be so hard on a friend than it would someone I was dating. Plus, I needed to tell someone, and she was the best person for it.
“I don’t know, but I don’t think it’s good.” I sniffed and wiped my nose. “He seemed freaked out. He was all like, acting weird. I’m sure he could see something, and he was too scared to tell me. It scared me a lot.”
Tina twisted up her face in emotion. “Are you sure it wasn’t you who freaked out? They do this stuff all the time; they see lumps and cancer every day. Do you think it might have been you and you just saw that mirrored?”
I really didn’t think that was the case at all, but I didn’t think Tina would believe me even if I said it, so I shrugged instead. “I don’t know, but I’m scared. I’m really frisked out by the thought I might really sick.”
“You don’t even know the results yet, so it’s best not to worry.” Tina pulled back to look at me. “Do something this weekend to distract yourself, and I’m sure they will rush your results so you can have them Monday.”
Urgh, Monday: that was such a long time away. I’d already proven to myself that a couple of days could drag out much longer than it should when there was anything to worry about. Now, it could potentially be worse because the results were in the works. Someone who knew what was happening with me before I did.
Oh God. Anxiety darted everywhere. Someone will know that I have cancer. Someone very soon...
I wondered if this was how Mom felt while she waited for her results. Did she cry in some bathroom? Did she have a friend to support her? Now that I thought about it, the sicker she got, the less people came to see her. Maybe they couldn’t handle it, or perhaps she pushed them away like I’d been doing to Parker. Would it only be a matter of time before I isolated Tina too? I didn’t want to, but things wouldn’t be straightforward. I had no idea how my emotions would go when I finally got that terrifying news. I could only hope that I’d act in a suitable way when the time came. I didn’t want to end all of this alone. I wouldn’t even have any family to help me through this.
“Right, well, we better get back to work,” I said much too brightly, trying to be okay. The walls had shot back up. “If I’m going to be distracted, then I might as well start now. Don’t you think? No point in sitting around and being miserable.” Which I would have been if given half the chance. “You’re right; I just need to keep busy.”
“Are you sure?” Tina didn’t look convinced. “You don’t need me to do anything?”
Unless she could get my results right now, then there truly wasn’t anything, so I shook my head and thanked her instead. “No, I’m going to see if Olive is here; she always manages to cheer me up.”
Tina nodded and guided me outside. “Okay, well come and find me if you need me. I’ll be about.”
Just keep moving forward, I reminded myself. Keep going. It’s going to be fine.
It wasn’t going to be okay; I knew that; I was pretty much convinced that the worst news was coming my way, but I couldn’t get lost in that right now. I had two days to survive. I could do that...
Chapter 25 – Parker
Saturday
Today had to be fun; I needed to ma
ke sure that Maddie had a good time. There wasn’t anything else I could do but that. I hated feeling limp and useless, but unless I could make her magically well again, I had no choice. All I could do was cheer her up, and I had a day prepared that I hoped would at least help her with that.
I knocked on Maddie’s door, hoping that she was ready. I didn’t know what her mood would be today and if it was a bad one, things could quite easily go downhill. I breathed deeply, trying to calm myself down.
“Hi!” Maddie swung the door open with a very bright smile on her face. I could tell it wasn’t totally genuine, but it was a start. If she was trying to be happy, I could easily tip her over the edge into that. “How are you, Parker?”
“Erm, yeah, I’m good.” I furrowed my brows. “Are you ready to leave or do you need a few moments?”
“No, I’m good. I’m ready to leave. What do you have planned for us? I need to get out of the house.”
“Right. Sure.” She looked all ready for a day out too. Her black leggings clung tightly to her skin, which she’d teamed with a baggy shirt. I gulped, wondering how bad things were under her shirt. I hadn’t dared to ask what the lump was like and I certainly didn’t have any intention of bringing that up today. It had to be bad though to push her towards a doctor. I didn’t know how she’d cope if the bad news came. Knowing that her mom beat it once just for it to come back and destroy her would undoubtedly crush Maddie. “I have a few things planned out. I guess I wanted to see what you were in the mood for first. If you weren’t up for it...”
“Oh no, I’m up for it. I’m more than up for it. I’m happy to do whatever, as long as I’m not at home...”
She let out a sound that was probably supposed to be a laugh but was much too strangled. I gave her a thin-lipped smile back and tried my hardest to shut my brain down. Thoughts clearly weren’t helping me here.
