by Jayne Blue
“That won’t be necessary.” Chief Marek’s gruff voice cut through me. I stood at attention and turned toward him.
Then I heard another voice that turned the blood in my veins to fire. Charlotte’s ex, Craig, stepped around the chief. He sported a black eye, a butterfly bandage above his brow, and his nose was still swollen to twice its size.
Craig had the decency to blanch when he saw me. He quickly turned back to the chief and stuck his hand out to shake it. Frank Marek did something that surprised me and gave me a shred of hope. He leaned in and whispered something into Craig’s ear that made his eyes go wide with fear. Craig covered by coughing into his hand.
“Sorry to see you leave,” I said to Craig as he passed. Marek shot me a lethal look. He waited until Craig got around Joan and into the elevators. As soon as they closed, he looked back at me.
“Inside,” he said.
I took a steeling breath and followed him. I hadn’t been in this office since two chiefs ago. Marek kept it sparse. He had the city seal on one wall, a picture of him standing next to the president on the other. In one corner, he had an American flag next to an Ohio flag.
“Sit,” he commanded.
I took a seat in front of his desk while Marek shuffled papers. I knew posturing when I saw it. Any other day, any other guy, I wouldn’t have stood for it, chief or no. But the guy had a legitimate beef with me and I’d earned whatever bullshit he wanted to send my way.
Finally, he sat down and looked at me. I couldn’t read him. He had a kind, beefy face with thinning brown hair. I looked for Charlotte in him somewhere but couldn’t see it. Maybe just the shape of his mouth as he scowled at me. I sure as hell knew that look.
“Chief, look, I …” Marek held up one finger to silence me. He laced his fingers then rested them behind his head. He looked up at the ceiling and let out a breath.
“I’m going to keep this short,” he said. “I’m going to ask you exactly two questions. If you lie to me about either one of them, I’ll know it.”
I swallowed hard and nodded. I sat straighter in my chair, knowing I’d likely be walking out of here sooner than I realized.
“One,” he said. “Rumor is, half the squad watched you pick Charlotte up at Flannigan’s. That true?”
The air in my lungs burned like battery acid. I hadn’t expected him to lead with that. Who the fuck squealed? God, it could have been any number of a dozen different guys. How stupid did I have to be?
“I didn’t know she was your daughter,” I said then instantly regretted it.
Marek’s eyes narrowed and I put up a hand in surrender. “Chief, with all due respect …”
He slammed his hands down on the desk. “Officer Killian, you’re going to want to be real careful about throwing around the word respect with me.”
“Sir, I do respect you. I’m not going to sit here and blow smoke up your ass though. I think we can both pretty well admit that wouldn’t do either of us any good.”
He held up two fingers. “Are you the one who put the beat down on Craig Northcutt?”
I tapped my foot in agitation and ran a hand over my jaw. “Sir, do I need a union rep? Because I’m thinking I don’t want to answer that question without one. What I will tell you is that guy is an asshole who was in a position to do your daughter some serious harm if I hadn’t been there.”
Marek leaned far forward in his chair. “Do I strike you as stupid?”
“No, sir. You strike me as protective of your daughter. I can tell you that’s something we share.”
His face turned red. “Do not compare the two, Officer Killian. You think I don’t know about you? You think I haven’t asked around? You’ve got two reputations in this department. You wanna know what they are? The first one is why I didn’t give much of a damn about the other until about seventy-two hours ago. Tim Bates thinks you walk on water. Now there’s a man whose opinion I value. You’re tough. Quick on your feet. Loyal. There are about twenty men out there who’ll say if shit ever hits, they want you at their back. But you’ve got another reputation. I think the word is manwhore. You gonna sit there and tell me I’ve got faulty intel on either one?”
The blood rage rose. I gripped the arms of the chair and focused on keeping my mouth shut. It was now abundantly clear the man hadn’t called me in here for an explanation. His mind was already made.
“I don’t give two shits about Craig Northcutt’s broken face,” he said. “I got some information about him recently that makes me want to cave it in myself. You don’t need to know the details, but he’s no longer a problem for Charlotte. He might still be one for you. But we have a little problem. That problem is you. That asshole came in here today to file a grievance against you. He wants your badge. He’s got a damn good case to take it.”
I leaned forward. “He put his hands on Charlotte. Do you want me to tell you about that? Now, I asked you if I needed a rep.”
Marek shook his head. “Yeah. That might need to be your next stop after you leave this office. You’re on administrative leave, Officer. Turn in your gun and badge before you leave the building.”
I couldn’t breathe. Every muscle in my body froze. “You can’t be fucking serious.”
“Don’t push me any further, son.”
I got up out of my chair and planted my hands on Marek’s desk. “You can’t suspend me for this. You can’t suspend me for having a relationship with Charlotte.”
“Relationship? Is that what you’re calling it?”
“Ask her!” I pushed myself off the desk. Stepping around the chair I rubbed my hand over my face and turned back to him. “You want to take your shit out on me, I get it. Hell, I deserve it. But you can’t take my badge over that asshole. I guarantee you I did you a favor where he’s concerned.”
Marek slammed his fist against the table. “Favors? Let me do you one. You so much as look at Charlotte again, I’ll have more than your badge. You want your suspension to turn into a permanent vacation?”
“You can’t do this. What’s worse is, you know you can’t. You want to talk about my reputation? Let’s talk about yours.”
Marek was out of his seat. He came around the desk and we stood nose to nose. I curled my fists at my sides. If he slugged me, I’d take it. Hell, I deserved that. The suspension was overreaching bullshit. It was the kind of thing that would backfire on a new chief in ways that he couldn’t see. When word got out, there wasn’t a soul on this force that wouldn’t see through it. Shoving me to midnights or back to parking patrol they would expect. They’d laugh about it probably. But taking my badge was something else.
“Officer Killian. You’ve been asked to surrender your gun and badge before you leave the building.”
“For how long?” I asked through gritted teeth.
Marek took a step back and glowered at me. “I haven’t decided yet.”
I let out a bitter laugh. “This is a mistake and you know it.”
I had a hundred other things to shout at the man. But I turned on my heel and walked away.
Chapter Nineteen
Charlotte
I felt sick. Physically sick. A pelting rain streaked my bedroom window as I lay curled on the mattress. My carry-on bag stood in the corner. I couldn’t look at it. I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror. Randy’s words slammed in my brain like a gut punch on continuous replay.
He cheated on her. My father had cheated on my mother.
She never told me. She never implied it. He never admitted to it. All these years, he’d just let me believe the stress of his job finally drove her away. He let me blame her for abandoning him. When, all the while, it was he who’d abandoned her.
Liars. Every man in my life was a liar. My father lied. Craig lied. Even Randy lied because my mother probably asked him to. Would Ben be the next one to lie?
I knew what he was. I knew what he was looking for that first night we met because I wanted it too. Was I the bigger fool now for thinking he wouldn’t want it ag
ain from someone else as soon as the novelty of me wore off? I saw the type of man he was. I saw the thrill of the conquest in his eyes that first night we fucked. I craved it then. When he drove his fist into Craig’s face, hell bent on punishing him for touching me, I saw the rush it gave him even as it horrified me. Every reason I had for pushing him away at first still tugged at the corners of my heart. Ben was a danger junkie. Just like my father.
Just like my father. I loved them both. I hated them both.
My phone rang six times but I didn’t pick it up. The two men in my life were set to meet this morning. That would have been hours ago by now. I should care. I did care. But the thought of facing my father right now made the sickness in my belly spread to my bones.
When my phone rang again, I flipped it over. It was my mother. Randy probably told her what he’d done. She had to be furious with him. Some little part of me was too, except I also knew he was the only one who had the courage of honesty. Blandy Randy. Who would have thought? I put the phone down. I couldn’t face another conversation with her either. I was drained.
It was early evening before I finally got out of bed and headed into the shower. I let the water run so hot it nearly scalded me. It felt good though. I could imagine washing away all the lies and secrets I’d built my childhood on. My mother let me think she was the villain so my father would always be the hero. Why?
I threw on a robe and sat down on the bed just as my phone rang again. This time, the number that came up puzzled me. It was Janet. I accused her of witchcraft when I met her. Maybe her crystal ball told her she was exactly the person I needed to hear from. I clicked the phone and held it to my ear.
“Hi, Janet,” I said, hating that my voice sounded so low. She was smart enough to pick up on it.
“Shit, Charlotte. Where have you been?”
“I just flew in from Florida. I’m beat. I’m at home.”
She let a huge sigh. “Well, I’m sorry about that, but we’ve got a bit of a crisis. Now, I hate sticking you in the middle, but it’s kind of because of you. Not that you’ve done anything wrong.”
“Janet, if this is about the accounting, please don’t worry. We got your extension. I’ll be over later in the week like I promised. In the meantime, I’m not trying to be rude but I really just want to curl up with a glass of wine and shut the world out. It’s been a day.”
“Have you talked to Ben?”
Something flipped inside my heart. Janet’s tone raised an alarm in me. “No.” I held my phone out and scrolled through the missed calls. Ben wasn’t one of them. My father called four times. My mother called twice. A thousand awful thoughts flooded through my brain. Was he hurt? Was he shot? Oh God.
“He met with your father,” Janet said. I sank down to the edge of the bed and framed my brow with my hand. My head was already starting to pound.
“What happened, Janet? Things have been a little … unsettled on my end. I haven’t talked to my dad either. It’s a long story.”
Janet paused before answering. If I had to guess, she was puzzling out how to say what she needed. She took a great breath then answered in a torrent of words. “Look, I hate to put you in the middle of this. But you are in the middle of it. I was afraid something like this was going to happen. Your dad is a good man. I mean, probably. But Ben is a good man too. He can be a screw-up. I know this. But I believe in my heart he wants to do right by you. I know he does.”
“Janet, please. Just tell me what happened.”
“Honey, the chief took Ben’s badge.”
Of all the things she could have said, I wasn’t expecting that. “What?”
“He wouldn’t even tell me himself. Ben, I mean. Patrick found out. He was over at the Union Hall getting some drinks with some fellas he knows on Lincolnshire's FD. Some cops were there, obviously. They asked how Ben’s holding up. Naturally, Patrick had no idea. So they told him. Your dad called him into his office this morning and suspended him indefinitely. There was some talk about a domestic violence situation over at your place. Charlotte, what’s going on? Ben won’t pick up his phone. Nobody knows where he is.”
My guts churned and felt like they’d spill to the floor. My head pounded along with my heart. He didn’t. He couldn’t have. What the hell was my father thinking?
“Oh, hell. Oh, Janet. I didn’t know. I swear to God. I didn’t know he was planning it. He wouldn’t talk to me all weekend. Now he’s been blowing up my phone. I’ve got a family issue going on that’s unrelated to this or else I would have called him back. Shit. Ben hasn’t called me either. Let me try and get a hold of him.”
“I don’t know what good it’ll do. When he goes to ground like this, he can disappear for days. But Charlotte, he almost always checks in with me. He hasn’t. I’m worried.”
Thunder cracked outside my window. I pulled the phone away. It was just after six o’clock. Ben was supposed to meet with my father at nine. That meant he’d been AWOL for nine hours already. The worry in Janet’s voice played on my nerves. She knew him better than anyone.
“Let me talk to my father,” I told her. “He’s a reasonable man. I swear. This is just a mess. Dammit. I’m sorry. It’s my fault.”
“It isn’t. Don’t get the wrong idea by me calling. It’s not your fault. I think we’re dealing with two stubborn, red-blooded, alpha males. When they get like this they usually end up settling it with fists, a flask, or a fuck. Sometimes all three.”
“You’re a wise woman, Janet Killian. If this weren’t so awful, it would be funny.”
“Tell me about it. I’ll get the brothers on it. They’ll round up Benny one way or another. There are only so many places he can be. You handle your dad.”
“I’m on it,” I said, though the thought of talking to my father made my stomach churn anew. We said our goodbyes and promised to connect before the end of the night.
Sighing, I ran a hand through my hair and picked up my phone. My father had tried to call me less than an hour ago. I hovered my finger over his number. Before I could press it, my doorbell rang. I had twin emotions of relief and dread. It was too late to get dressed. I wore a tank top and a pair of old pajama bottoms. I tightened the sash on my robe and headed downstairs.
My father stood in my doorway, bedraggled from the rain. He raised two fingers to the cab driver behind him. By the looks of his blood-rimmed eyes, he’d chosen the flask option Janet spoke of. It made my heart lurch. To my knowledge, he hadn’t had a drink in five years. Cigarettes and booze were strictly off limits since his heart attack.
I opened my door wide enough to let him in. He hung his head and staggered over my threshold.
“Sit down,” I commanded, leading him to the couch in my living room. His pant legs dripped all over my wood floors. I went into the kitchen and got him a towel. He caught it against his chest as I threw it to him. I took a seat on the coffee table in front of him.
“I don’t even know where to start,” I said. “You took Ben Killian’s badge? Are you kidding me with this?”
My father’s eyes traveled up. “I’m no good, Charlotte. Didn’t your mother tell you that?”
“Stop it. Just stop it. You don’t get to sit there and try to make me feel sorry for you. You should have told me the truth. I’ve blamed Mom for leaving you for fifteen years, Dad. My whole childhood. It wasn’t bad enough you broke her heart, you had to make me hate her a little bit for it too?”
He buried his face in his hands. “It wasn’t my choice. She made me swear. She wanted to protect you, honey. She said she lost faith in me, but you shouldn’t have to. God, I’m so sorry. I’ve said that so many times.”
I wanted to hate him. A little bit of me did. But the man before me was broken. Shattered. I saw it in his eyes and the way he hung his head. When he lifted it to meet my eyes, his were clear enough that I knew he hadn’t drunk so much that he was drunk. That was at least something. It meant I could say the things I needed to say and I knew he’d take them in.
�
��Ben,” I started. “There’s something you need to know. You asked me what I was running from when I left Florida. Well, I was running from a man who cheated on me, Daddy. Craig did that. Then I met Ben. He didn’t know who I was. I wasn’t looking to tell him or anyone else. We met. We connected. You can’t punish him for that.”
“Do you know what kind of man he is? He’s a user. He’s a womanizer. Ben Killian’s got one of the worst reputations for it on the force and that’s saying something.”
His words cut through me to my deepest fears about Ben. But they didn’t change how I felt or how wrong my father’s actions were.
“That’s my business and Ben’s business, not yours. You can’t punish him for what he does in his personal life. Even if it involves me. He’s a good cop. He’s one of the best you have.”
“A good cop doesn’t beat a man half to death for no reason!”
I slapped my hands to my thighs and leaned in close. “Is that Craig’s story? Did he pay you a visit before he blew out of town? God, please tell me you threw him out of town. He grabbed me, okay? Right in front of Ben. Now maybe Ben overreacted. But you have to understand that he thought he was protecting me. I know you. God, you want to know something? He reminds me of you. God help us both, he’s just like you.”
The truth of my words thundered through me just as lightning cracked outside. My mother’s words hovered in my mind right along with him. He would hurt me. I’d end up in the exact same place she had. Except, my heart didn’t care. The thought of turning away from Ben tore me to bits. It was all such a mess. It was all impossible.
“That’s what I’m afraid of!” My father reached for me. He put his hands on my shoulders. His wild eyes searched my face. “Charlotte, that’s exactly what I’m afraid of. And you should be too. I know what this job does to people. It hollows you out. It makes you hurt the people who love you. Baby, I don’t want that for you.”
