Sunsets and Shades

by Erica Lee

  When we got back to the kitchen, a little boy who looked to be around 10 or 11 and a girl who I assumed must have been about two years younger than him, given what Kinsley had told me in the car, were sitting at the table, completely entranced by the iPads in front of them. Kevin playfully tousled the little boy’s blonde hair. “Could you put that damn thing away and give your aunt a hug please?” He then pointed over at the little girl. “Same goes for you, princess.”

  Both children jumped down from their seats and each hugged Kinsley from opposite sides. When they were done, she put her arms around them and looked over at me. “Tommy and Jane - this is my friend Grace.” They each said a shy hello, while they leaned further into Kinsley. Watching her with them made me miss my own niece. Turns out, that was another thing that I missed about home.

  Soon, we were all seated around the kitchen table, and as soon as Mr. Scott said a short prayer, everyone started to eat. My phone started to ring just a few minutes later, and I pulled it out to find it was my mom calling. “I’m really sorry,” I apologized. I need to take this. If I don’t answer, she’ll get worried.”

  Mrs. Scott reached her hand out toward me. “Why don’t you let me take it, dear?”

  I probably would have found the gesture very strange if it wasn’t something that I’m sure my own mother would have done. “No mom…” Kinsley began to protest, but I stopped her.

  “It’s ok. It gives me a chance to keep eating these delicious mashed potatoes.” Kinsley rolled her eyes, and I honestly wasn’t sure if she was rolling them because of my brown nosing or because her mom was currently leaving the room with my phone up to her ear, already chatting away.

  About five minutes later, she returned to the room, phone still to her ear, laughing over something being said on the other end. “Yes, I’ll tell her you said hello. Give Jim my best.” I tried to stifle a laugh at the interaction. Jim was my dad’s name. How had Kinsley’s mom somehow gotten on a first name basis with my dad after just five minutes on the phone with my mom?

  Mrs. Scott sat back down at the table and handed my phone over to me. “Your mother says hi and she misses you.” I smirked at Kinsley who simply shrugged her shoulders in response.

  “So, Grace, where are you from?” Mr. Scott inquired.

  I looked down at my plate for a moment, nervous about being the center of attention. When I looked back up, I readjusted my glasses, and when Kinsley saw this, she placed a gentle hand on my knee and smiled over at me, immediately making me feel better. “She’s from a small town in Maryland, but has been staying with Kinsley and Leah this summer,” Mrs. Scott answered before I could.

  “Seriously, mom?” Kinsley asked, bemused.

  “Calm down dear. Carol told me.” Carol. My mother. Somehow in the five minutes these ladies had talked, Mrs. Scott learned both of my parents’ names and my residential history.

  “Small town girl, huh?” Mr. Scott asked, ignoring the interaction between his wife and daughter. “I think you’ll really enjoy what we are doing tomorrow night!”

  “Do I even want to know what that is?” Kinsley groaned.

  “Your brother started racing again, so we’re going to the track. Grace, have you ever been to any sort of races before?”

  “My dad and I have gone to Dover for a few NASCAR races.” Kinsley lifted an eyebrow in response to my answer, and I wasn’t sure if she was impressed or disgusted by my redneck response.

  Mr. Scott just laughed. “This ain’t NASCAR. You’re in for a real treat.”

  ***

  He wasn’t kidding. The small dirt-covered track that we arrived at the next night certainly wasn’t anything like the speedway my dad and I had gone to growing up. Mr. Scott drove a big trailer right into the center of the track where a bunch of other trailers and race cars were parked. Kinsley’s sister in law had stayed home with the kids, so it was just me and the immediate Scott family. Once we were out of the car, Mr. Scott put his arm around Kinsley and took in his surroundings. “This brings back a lot of memories, doesn’t it? I can’t remember the last time you were here with me.”

  “I spent a lot of time here growing up,” Kinsley explained, leaving it at that. I wanted her to tell me more. I wanted to know all of the details of her childhood. I wanted every single memory - good and bad. But I also knew that was too much to ask for from Kinsley. I could only have Kinsley in pieces, and I had to be happy with that.

  “So, where do we watch from?” I asked, looking around what I figured must be considered the pit area, and realized I couldn’t see much of anything over all of the cars and trailers.

  Kinsley slipped a hand over my shoulder and pointed toward a ladder attached to the side of the trailer. “That’s the fun part. We get to go up there. I hope you’re not afraid of heights.” She laughed as she let her arm drop and sprinted toward the trailer. I wasn’t able to move because I was so entranced watching her. I loved the childlike, carefree side of Kinsley. The way her eyes lit up when she was excited over something was absolutely breathtaking. “Are you coming?” she yelled over to me from halfway up the ladder.

  Once I got past the nerves of scaling up the side of a trailer, I loved being up there. I was much more of a small town girl than I had ever admitted to Kinsley and felt in my element here. Aside from my time in Philly this summer, I had only ever lived in small towns, even during college. Kinsley smiled over at me. “So, what do you think?”

  “I love it!” I answered a bit too enthusiastically, earning a loud cackle from Kinsley.

  She walked over to me and began wiping her hands over my jeans. “You already have dirt all over you though. It’s only going to get worse once the races start. I hope you can handle it.”

  I scoffed at her words. “Trust me, I can handle a little dirt. I think you’ve forgotten that you’ve been a city girl for years. I’m still technically a country girl. Living in Philly for two months ain’t gonna change that.”

  Kinsley laughed at my words and moved her hands up to rest on my hips. Her eyes scanned the length of my body, making me wish for the first time of the night that we were anywhere but here right now. I had gotten so used to kissing Kinsley whenever I wanted that holding back was killing me right now. From the way Kinsley was staring into my eyes, I could tell she had the same thought. “I almost forgot,” she announced, jumping back to grab something out of the backpack she had brought along. I immediately found myself missing the feeling of having her close, but I didn’t have to miss it for long. Kinsley walked back to me, carrying some sort of safety glasses. She slipped them over the glasses already on my face and gave me a satisfied grin. “Can’t have your glasses getting dirty on you.” I felt like she was looking into my soul as she playfully adjusted the glasses. “My little nerdy redneck. Just when I thought you couldn’t get any cuter.” She let her hands drop from the glasses and burned a path down my arms, before resting back on my hips. Her eyes fluttered to my lips, and I felt her body moving even closer to mine. Kinsley’s hands dropped, and her body stiffened when we heard people climbing up the side of the trailer. By the time her family was up there with us, there was a large gap between us. I wasn’t used to this unsure, nervous side of Kinsley. It was so different than the confident girl I usually saw. I didn’t like this version any less though. If anything, I found this side of her endearing. Although, I hated the fact that it was caused by her lack of confidence in her family’s acceptance.

  “Who wants a beer?” Kinsley’s voiced boomed, as she became herself again. She popped the beer can open and held it out to me.

  I shook my head and tried not to make a face. “No thanks. I don’t drink beer.”

  “Of course you don’t.” Kinsley grinned, before taking a big sip of it herself.

  I felt a hand on my arm and looked over to see Mrs. Scott standing next to me. “Don’t worry dear. I have us covered.” She reached into her big purse and pulled out a bottle of wine and two solo cups, pouring some for each of us.

  Kinsley tap
ped her can against my cup. “Cheers to Pam Scott. Always prepared.”

  Once the races started, us girls set up lawn chairs on top of the trailer to watch as the guys spent most of their time messing around with Kevin’s race car and talking about “strategy.” After Kevin’s preliminary race, I could hear him and Mr. Scott using car jargon that I didn’t actually understand to talk about problems with the engine and tires. I looked over at Kinsley who seemed to be entranced by what her dad and brother were doing. When she noticed me staring, she hopped out of her chair and knelt in front of mine. “Would you mind if I went down there to talk shop with my dad and brother?” With the way her face lit up as she asked the question, there was no way I was ever going to say no.

  “Of course! Have fun.” I smiled as I watched her excitedly head toward the ladder and climb down. Soon, she had joined her dad and brother, and all three of them had very serious expressions on their faces as they pointed to different parts of the car and studied them together.

  Mrs. Scott sighed beside me. “This is so nice to see. I can’t remember the last time I saw the three of them working together like that.” She looked over at me, and it looked like she was trying to fight back tears. “I’m not sure what Kinsley told you about our relationship, but it hasn’t always been the greatest. She’s just so closed off. It’s been that way since she was a teenager. She was such a fun loving child, and then she just lost it. I’m not sure what happened.” She looked back down at her daughter, and this time, a few tears did fall from her eyes. “That’s a lie. I know exactly what happened, and I blame myself for it every single day. She was a scared young girl with feelings that she didn’t understand and felt like she had no one to turn to. She should have been able to turn to me, but I didn’t know. I didn’t want to see it because I didn’t understand it. But all I did was push her away more, without even realizing it. I grew up in a different time, so I never knew gay people. All I had to go by were the negative things I always heard. So I repeated those things, never knowing that I was talking about my own daughter.”

  “And how do you feel about it now?” I asked the question quietly and hesitantly, sure that I was crossing a line that I shouldn’t be.

  Mrs. Scott sighed again, but this time it sounded more strained and she looked ashamed over what she was about to say. “It’s a complicated feeling. I know that sounds terrible, but you have to understand. You kids are so open to all sorts of differences today. When I was growing up, people hid the things that made them different, so there was nothing to accept. I’m still trying my best to understand it. I just hope that my struggles with this don’t hold her back from being that amazing girl that I know she’s meant to be.”

  I looked down at Kinsley and watched as she threw her head back in laughter at something her brother had just said. I loved everything about the view - from the way one vein in particular in her neck popped more than others as she laughed to the way the lines from her smile seemed to travel all the way from her lips to her eyes. Kinsley was beautiful. Simply put, she was perfection. Without removing my eyes from her, I said my next words without reservation. “I’m going to be honest. Kinsley doesn’t let people in much. Sometimes she pretends to be cold, just so she doesn’t have to feel hurt or rejected. And truthfully, some of that does have to do with her worry over being rejected by her own family. But you don’t have to worry about the person that Kinsley has become. Amazing can’t even really be used to describe her because she’s so much better than that. Kinsley is special. She’s funny and smart, and she’d never admit it, but she cares a heck of a lot more than most people do. She’s truly the most beautiful person I’ve ever met, inside and out.” My face immediately started to burn with embarrassment when I realized I had just admitted that all out loud, and to Kinsley’s mom on top of it all.

  Mrs. Scott studied my face for what felt like hours, but I refused to make eye contact with her, worried about what I might find after that confession. I heard her take a deep breath beside me, then her voice took on a dreamy tone, as if she was lost in her own thoughts. “When you have a child, you fall madly in love from the very first moment that you hold them in the hospital. From that very moment, you dream of the exact life that you want them to have, and you know that no matter what life they choose - whether it is the one that you picture for them or not - that you’re going to love them unconditionally through it all. From the time Kinsley was old enough to start dating, all I wanted was for her to find someone who looked at her the same way I did in the hospital all those years ago, and that’s exactly how you look at her.”

  How was I looking at her, exactly? Clearly it wasn’t the way you should look at someone who you were simply enjoying. “Oh umm.. we’re not.. I mean.. we don’t…”

  Mrs. Scott patted my knee with her hand before my stuttering could continue. “Don’t worry dear. You don’t have to tell me anything. My own daughter doesn’t even do that.” She laughed playfully, and the rest of the night continued as though we hadn’t both confessed more than we ever planned.

  Once Kinsley and I had gotten into bed for the night, our mouths immediately began to get reacquainted. After a few minutes of making out, Kinsley pulled back and rested her forehead against mine. “I’ve been thinking about doing that all day,” she admitted. She then ran a hand through my hair and placed a few soft kisses along my jawline, before looking at me again. “Did you have fun this weekend?”

  I smiled, thinking back on the time we had spent with her family so far. “I did. It has been amazing getting to know your family and seeing how you interact in this kind of setting.”

  “You mean watching me fix a race car? Admit it - you thought that was pretty sexy.”

  “Oh I found it incredibly sexy,” I whispered into her ear. I watched as Kinsley’s eyes closed as I ran hand up and down her arm. There was so much that I wanted to talk about in that moment. I wanted to tell her about the talk that I had with her mom. I wanted to discuss the substitute teaching job I had applied to for the school districts in the Philadelphia area and how I had found a few apartments that I could rent that weren’t too far from hers. I knew all of this could end up scaring her away. If she heard it, she might get the wrong idea about my expectations. But was it really the wrong idea? I could deny it all I wanted to, but I was falling hard and fast for Kinsley. I didn’t want to just enjoy each other exclusively. I wanted more than that. I wanted commitment and a future and I wanted it with her.

  Kinsley opened her eyes again and smiled up at me. “Are you thinking the same thing I am right now?”

  I swallowed audibly. Could it be? “Depends. What are you thinking?” I did my best to keep my voice light and smooth, to keep from showing my nerves.

  “Oh you know. Just thinking about how once we’re back at the apartment, we should probably spend at least 24 hours naked to make up for the past two days.” Of course that’s what Kinsley was thinking. I’m not sure why I believed it would be anything different. Kinsley wasn’t the type of girl who laid in bed and thought about her future, at least a future that went beyond the sexual happenings of the next 24 hours, and I couldn’t expect her to be.

  “I was thinking something like that,” I lied. Although it wasn’t a lie for long. Soon the thought of spending intimate time with Kinsley was the only thing on my mind.

  By the time we made it to the door of the apartment the next day, it was taking everything in me not to rip her clothes off.

  As I tried my best to unlock the door, Kinsley began to nibble on my ear. “You better hurry or my neighbors are going to get a show.”

  I pushed her away from me. “This would go much faster if you weren’t distracting me.”

  We both laughed as we stumbled into the apartment together, surprised to see Leah pacing by the door. “I wanted to text you guys to warn you, but I didn’t get the chance. She just got here. I didn’t know what to do, so I let her in.”

  I was about to ask who she was talking about when I heard a door ope
n down the hallway and watched for the person to emerge. A small gasp escaped me when a very familiar person entered the room. “Becky?!”

  Chapter 19: Kinsley

  Becky? As in THE Becky?! “What are you doing here?” I didn’t miss the quiver in Grace’s voice as she asked the question everyone was wondering.

  “I need to talk to you. Grace, there is a ton I have to tell you. Could we… go somewhere please?”

  Grace moved back a step, so she and I were standing side by side. “Anything you need to tell me, you can say in front of Kinsley.”

  I instinctively laced my fingers with Grace’s. I was about to pull them away, but the feeling of her grabbing my hand tighter made me stay.

  Becky looked toward our hands and then back up at Grace. “So, I take it that my suspicions were right? You already found yourself a new girlfriend. What happened to the girl who cried and told me that she would never find another us?”

  Grace dropped my hand and took a few steps forward. “Kinsley and I… we’re not… she’s not my girlfriend.” My heart dropped hearing those words just as it had the day I heard Grace say I wasn’t her type. But why? It was the truth. We had agreed that we were just having fun.

  “So, what is this then?” Becky asked, still looking back and forth between us. “Are you two just having sex or something?” She laughed as if this thought was preposterous. When no one responded, she scoffed. “Wow. Isn’t this something? I guess people really do change.” Her voice was dripping with sarcasm and judgment, and I didn’t appreciate it.

  I took a few steps closer to Becky. “Hey now. I realize this is none of my business, but given the circumstances, I don’t think you have any room to judge.”

  To my surprise, Becky hung her head in response to my words. “You’re right.” She looked back up, but instead of pointing her eyes at me, she directed them toward Grace. “I didn’t come here to fight with you. I’m sorry.”