Obscured Love

by Delilah Mohan

  I entered my dining room right as he set two plates on my table. I could honestly say, living alone, I hadn't used the table much. I usually ate my frozen dinners and canned soups while watching Netflix on the couch. It’s not that I was a terrible cook, I was actually pretty decent, but why? It made no sense to cook for a party of one.

  “It smells delicious, what did you make?” I took a huge whiff of the air as I inhaled the aroma of his cooking.

  “Grilled cheese. I know it’s your favorite. Well, it was your favorite. It’s not quite the same as when you were ten. This one is made with pear, gorgonzola and brie. But I mean, I thought maybe you would try it. There was a café I used to frequent in college and I would always order it. It reminded me of home. Well, I mean your home. You know, when Bentley and I would spend our whole summer playing video games and feeding you grilled cheese. Sorry, I’m rambling. Sit.” He pointed to the chair, then grabbed a cork screw off the kitchen counter.

  My mind flashed.

  “What’s the matter, Blue Eyes?” Twelve-year-old Beckett asked. He had called me Blue Eyes for as long as I could remember. He’d told me once it was his favorite shade of blue, and when he grew up, he was going to paint his whole house that color so that everyone would know. I thought he was trying to make me laugh, and it had worked, because it would be a silly thing to paint a house the same color as someone’s eyes.

  “I’m hungry. Ben won’t make me lunch. He said I had to wait until he finished his level.” I crossed my arms and wrinkled my eyebrows into a scowl.

  “Why can’t you make lunch, Blue Eyes? You’re ten, I am sure you could feed yourself.”

  “But I want grilled cheese and you know I can’t use the stove when mom’s not home until I’m twelve. It’s the rules.”

  “What about a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?” He asked me.

  “No!”

  “Ham and cheese?”

  “No!”

  “Turkey and cranberry?” His lips quirked a little at this.

  “Beckett! You know it’s not even Thanksgiving. Where would I get turkey and cranberry?”

  He signed dramatically and pulled at my arm. “Well come on then!”

  “Where are we going? I don’t want to go.”

  He continued to pull me along, “To make you a grilled cheese sandwich, of course. It’s my specialty.”

  Present-day Beckett sat a glass of red wine in front of me, before pouring himself a generous helping. Sitting down, he stared at me eagerly, waiting for me to take a bite. I tentatively picked up the sandwich, forcing myself to take a bite and chew, even though the memory caused my throat to burn like I had swallowed sandpaper. It was wonderful, so fucking delicious, and the perfect balance.

  “Well? Do you like it? If you don’t, I can make you a new sandwich. I bought the stuff for the ones you liked as a kid, too.”

  I cleared my throat. “No, no. This is perfect. It’s really good.”

  To prove my point, I took another bite and chased it down with a gulp of wine. He watched me as he began to eat his own food. The whole meal continued the same way. Awkward. Stifling. Misguided. He made no attempt to engage in conversation, and I wasn’t really sure how to fill the silence. When he finished eating, he got up and took his plate to the sink, starting the clean-up process. I followed along, grabbed a clean towel from the drawer and began dish drying duties.

  “Beckett? Why did you make me dinner?” I finally released the question that was eating at me.

  He continued washing the pan, scrubbing it past the point of clean but not stopping. While I watched him, he watched the pot and the hypnotizing circular motion he made with the scrub brush. Finally, when I had just about given up on my question, he sighed.

  “It has been almost two years since I’ve eaten dinner with anyone. Even though we didn’t really talk, it was nice, I really did enjoy it. Thanks, Lotus.” He handed me the pot and dried his hands on his pants, then called for Ruins as he grabbed the dog’s leash. The dog glared at me accusingly, then walked happily to his owner.

  As the door shut gently behind them, I allowed myself to take a deep breath in while rubbing my eyes. I didn't know much about this Beckett; nothing really. He was harder, sharper, and so much more intense than the Beckett that left years ago. But what I did know, what he couldn’t say, was that Beckett Fucking Cole was a lonely bastard, and maybe I was a little lonely, too.

  Chapter 6

  BECKETT

  I wouldn’t say I was intentionally avoiding Lotus. I just so happened to be an early riser, so I took advantage of the time and arrived to work early. When I got offered additional caseloads, or they needed some random papers drawn up at the last minute, why wouldn’t I volunteer?

  By the time I got home in the evenings, she had already locked herself in her room, leaving the living room for Ruins and I to enjoy. We crossed ways a time or two, said hello, asked random questions, but it was forced. All of it. I felt it, and there was no way she had missed the discomfort. So, I wasn’t going out of my way to seek out a conversation, knowing it would be as stiff as my freshly starched shirts. Avoiding her amazing blues looking at me questioningly . . . umm yes, please.

  I thought making her dinner would be a great way to catch up and apologize for whatever it was that I had said to make her so angry the night before. But I was wrong. There was nothing great about the way memories flooded me and reminded me how lonely I was.

  I lied when I told her it had been almost two years since I ate dinner with someone. It was a lie because even when Alexa was present, which toward the end was very rare, her demons had her. Her demons worked their way so deeply within her, grasping her tightly in their iron grip, when all that was left for me was a shell of the woman I had fallen in love with. A woman I thought had loved me back, even though I wasn’t enough. I had never been enough to those who are supposed to love me the most.

  That didn’t mean we didn’t have our good times. It was the good times I liked to cling to when memories of Alexa surfaced. I liked to remember the day I met her, the first glance she shot me from across the room at an old friend’s birthday party. She smiled shyly, tucked a lock of her perfectly waved, brown hair behind her ear, before looking down. I knew, at that exact moment, that girl was a ride or die situation for me. I had no choice, fate had woven her invisible strings around the both of us and I was done. I fell hard and maybe my lack of caution was my first mistake. Maybe my love for her had placed blinders over my eyes, letting little signs of our leisurely crash slip through until it was too late and we hit the wall.

  Our love was a free fall.

  Our annihilation was excruciating.

  Everything in between? Every kiss, touch, and cheesy inside joke? Every unanswered phone call, sleepless night, desperate plea? Those were ours. Our story. Our lives. But only my memories. It was the gift and curse she gave to me.

  It was Friday afternoon, and as I rode my motorcycle back to the apartment to let Ruins stretch his legs, it occurred to me that Ruins and I would, most likely, be spending another weekend overseeing the construction of the place and inserting our noses where they didn’t belong. Where else did we have to be on a weekend? Especially when I was trying hard to not avoid Lotus. Making myself scarce around her apartment meant hanging around my house’s construction, even when I wasn't needed.

  I parked my motorcycle next to Lotus’ car and sat my helmet on the handlebar. I only had a half an hour left on my lunch, so my trip inside would be fairly quick. Ruins was used to it though; he knew once I got home from work he had my full attention and I would take him on as many walks as he wanted. He was a good kid. Probably the closest to a kid I would ever have.

  I knew Lotus was home; hell, I parked my damn bike right next to her car. I just wasn’t expecting her to be curled up on the couch, wearing practically nothing, with my dog out of his cage. Didn’t she know Ruins could do her some serious harm? Like most of us, Ruins had a past. He’d been broken, his spirit had been crus
hed, and with the move and the change of environment, who could really tell how he would react if something triggered him.

  I wasn’t sure what to address first; the fact that she opened the damn cage after I specifically told her to leave him, or the fact that she owned a pair of shorts smaller than my palm. I went with the safer option. “What the hell are you wearing? Does your brother let you leave the house like that?”

  She tore her eyes away from the T.V. and looked at me as if she thought a single glance would set me ablaze. “Excuse me?”

  “I can literally see your breast right now, Lotus. And your shorts are smaller than I’ve seen on toddlers. You can’t seriously wear that!” I kept trying to look her in her eyes, but her damn perky fucking breasts kept drawing my eyes to them like they were damn magnets and I was a fucking sheet of metal. Fighting it was futile.

  “First, eyes up here for a second.” I raised my eyes to hers, trying not to let my shame of being caught show. “Why exactly does it matter to you what I wear again? I seem to have forgotten.”

  She did this cute little expression where she squinted one eye and tapped her index finger against her cheek while she pretended to think. The sarcasm on that girl, sometimes it was so damn sexy, it gutted me. Fucking hell, I couldn't even think that way. This was Lotus. I knew it had to be boobs fogging my brain.

  “Men will leer at you baby, that’s why I care. Then I would have to kill them, you’re Bentley’s fucking baby sister. It’s a transfer of fucking responsibility to take care of you. I would chop the fucking balls off of any asshole who thinks it’s okay to disrespect you. Do you know how that would look, to have to be represented by my own firm? That’s why those fucking shorts and that scrap you call a shirt should be burned.”

  Her eyes rolled so far up into her skull I was afraid they got lost. “First, these are my home clothes, asshole. Second, what makes you think you can disappear from my life for thirteen years, then show up acting like a pack alpha and think I will just obey you? Absolutely not. Let’s clear something up right now. You are staying in my apartment, on my couch. That can change at any moment. Any. Fucking. Moment. I have enough man trouble in my life without dealing with your misplaced protectiveness. I don’t need your protection, Beck. I don’t want it. I didn’t ask for it.”

  There she went, practically breathing fire again. “I’m not trying to put you in demon mode, Blue Eyes. All I’m saying is that I don’t want you to get the wrong attention.”

  “Who gets to decide what attention is wrong?”

  “Well I mean, if the guy is…” She never let me finish.

  “Wrong. You don’t get to answer Beckett, because you don’t get to decide what’s right for me. “

  “Fuck, this wasn’t meant to be a big thing. I just don’t want you wearing something that will make men think you would willingly give them sex. Is that such an issue?” I asked honestly. I was only trying to keep her safe, how was I wrong here. I learned from my past mistakes and couldn’t help Alexa, but surely I could keep Lotus protected.

  She gave me one of those scary female, deadpan looks. “What if I want them to think sex? I happen to like sex.”

  “Oh, hell.” I raked my hands over my face and tugged them through my hair. “I can’t fucking hear this, Lo.”

  A devilish grin took over her face. She was so sweet once and I couldn’t figure out where this spitfire came from. She opened her mouth to speak and I had to stop her, because there was no way I would be able to handle her talking about sex, in any sort of capacity, without making a hole in the wall. “Why is Ruins out of the cage?”

  I changed the subject. In retrospect, I probably should have led with that one, it might have been safer. Realizing I was still standing in the entryway, I walked through the living room to where my dog laid, head on his paws, just outside the opening of his crate. He didn’t even seem fazed by the whole exchange with Lotus, which was shocking because a single raised voice from Alexa would make Ruins go crazy.

  “It didn’t seem right having him locked in a cage when I’m chilling at home, watching T.V. Plus, he’s completely harmless.”

  “Harmless? Have you seen him mad? Because I have and it isn’t pretty. I can’t protect you from him if I’m not around to stop him from going wild!”

  She causally flung her hand in the dog’s direction. “Protect me from him? He’s a giant pussy! I have opened his cage every day since you left the note telling me not to and what has he done? Nothing! Hell, today was the first day he actually left the cage and that was only to sit in front of it. I think you are over thinking this way too much.”

  I looked to the heavens, praying for some strength because that girl was flipping tons of switches in me and I honestly couldn't handle it. “Look, leave him in his cage. I want you safe and I hate knowing you’re putting yourself in danger.”

  “Well, I guess what you don’t know won’t hurt you then, will it? I mean, when you’re not here, there is no way for you to know if that door is open or closed. I guess you will have to trust me and your dog.”

  That girl’s mouth, I swear it. I wanted to gag her but then I regretted the thought the moment I thought it. If Bentley ever knew the thoughts and images that just flew into my mind, I would surely be a dead man. No fucking way would I be able to survive the wrath of my best friend. Nerd or not, he worked out just as much as I did and I knew he packed some muscle.

  I grabbed Ruins’ leash from on top of his crate and attached it to his collar. I wasted some valuable time with Blue Eyes and now Ruins’ walk would have to be speedy. Walking toward the door, Ruins stopped right in front of Lotus and nudged her with his head. He persistently pushed at her legs until her fingers came down and stroked his head and rubbed behind his ears. If I didn’t know any better, I would have thought my dog was trying to get her to come with us, but there was no way I had it in me to suggest it. She couldn’t go for a walk in what she was wearing and I didn’t have the time for her to change.

  Urging him forward, he reluctantly left her side and walked with me out the front door. The day was cool, as early October usually is. I had always loved fall, ever since I was a child. I remembered helping Bentley rake up leaves into piles taller than us, just so we could jump into them and have a leaf fight. Lotus would never help us rake, conveniently stating that she couldn’t because we only had two rakes and Bentley and I were using them both. Despite her lack of participation, it never stopped me from making an extra leaf pile so she could play with us.

  Even then, as a child, there was something about the way her little giggles echoed through the air, and the orange dried leaves clung to every blonde ringlet that fascinated me. I wanted that, a sibling like her, someone who Bentley so blatantly took advantage of having. So, when I was there, I pretended she was mine, and I treated her how I would treat my own sibling, knowing I never would have one and she would never truly be mine.

  Ruins walked a few blocks and then we headed back. Usually he took his walks seriously and kept them at a leisurely pace, but today he just wanted to go back to the apartment. I could only assume that maybe he had gotten plenty of stretching, since he spent his morning outside of his cage. When I opened the door, and took off his leash, he instantly went back to Lotus, nudging her knees, waiting for her to pet him. After she gave his head a good rub, he licked her palm and then took his spot, back in front of his cage.

  I wasn’t really sure what to make of his odd behavior, but he didn’t seem to try to threaten her like he did most people, so I decided to just let him be. If she thought she could handle him outside of the cage, then who was I to put up an argument? I had already learned that I, apparently, couldn't win against her, no matter what I said, so I would just let her learn herself.

  I put his leash back on the cage and made my way to the fridge to grab a bottle of water. I twisted the cap and took a swig, before calling into the living room, “Need anything while I’m here?”

  I walked back toward the living room, where
she was curled into a little ball. Her shorts had snuck up her thigh and my eyes strained to follow them. Damn it, I knew this couldn't be good, but I couldn't stop it. I heard her throat clear and I looked up to see her watching me. “I’m good, thanks. But hey, Bentley texted me while you were on your walk. He wants to do a movie night. You good with it?”

  I couldn’t even remember the last time we all had movie night together, and the thought of hanging out with the two of them, watching a movie, really excited me. “Yeah, sure, I can do movie night.”

  She gave me a smile, it had to be the first one directed at me in years. I didn’t remember it being that radiant but I couldn’t imagine how time could dull my memory so much. “If I order the pizza, will you pick it up? I’ll pay over the phone. Ben is bringing beer.”

  I gave her a look like she was crazy. “Just order it, I’ll buy it when I get there. I’m sleeping on your couch, I’m sure I can afford to pick up the pizza tab.”

  She shrugged her shoulders while biting the corner of her lip. “Okay then. It’s settled. Pizza and a movie, I’ll tell my brother it’s a go.”

  She picked up her phone as I headed out the door, tossing a later to her and Ruins. I had spent the whole week avoiding that girl and suddenly my day couldn’t have gone fast enough for my liking. Years. It had been years since we sat around, shoveling pizza in our faces and binge watching movies. It used to be a ritual, and for some reason, getting back to something as simple as movie night with the Bishops really lightened my mood.

  My mood was at least lightened until I reached the firm and was instantly bombarded with the smell of Stephanie’s over applied perfume, clouding my office the moment I opened the door. I choked out a cough and my eyes instantly watered. Jesus, didn't that girl know what restraint meant? I had a feeling she probably did but definitely not in the context I hoped for.

  “Hey Steph, what can I do for you? I was just getting ready to continue working on drafting Mr. Hancock’s will.” I was hoping she would take the hint and vacate my chair, but no such luck. She swiveled it from left to right before putting her heeled feet on top of the oak desk, crossing her feet at the ankles.