I closed the door.
She never followed.
Ruins cried for Lotus the moment I got home, when he realized that he wasn’t going back to her. He followed me around sulking, making whining whimpers and I would have had to be a monster not to feel some sort of bad for the little guy. He really liked her. Fuck, I really liked her too.
“You will see her this week, boy. You’re fine.” I told him but he didn’t understand. All he knew was that he wanted her, and trying to explain she didn’t belong to us would be futile. He would never understand the mechanics of our friendship. Hell, I’m not even sure I understood it enough to explain it to him, anyway.
I dug his bowl out of the bag I brought from Lotus’ place and poured it full of food. I asked him if he was hungry as I placed the bowl on the tile in front of him. He whimpered again and laid down, crossing his paws in front of him. His big eyes looked at me pitifully and I swear I saw a tear. Fuck, he was making me feel awful but he had to get used to it. We had our fun and now it was time for us to move on. Wasn't that how those types of things worked anyway?
He pouted for hours. Hours. While I washed the box of dishes and put them away . . . whimpers. Hung up my suits in my closet . . . sniffles. Took a shower and got into bed . . . I kid you not, fucking tear the house down sorrowful howls.
At this point, I think I was beginning to see where he was coming from. I never realized how downright lonely it got living solo. It had only been a few hours and the silence (excluding my dog’s cries) was maddening. It only got worse the moment I climbed into my freshly laundered sheets. I was cold . . . but I wasn’t really. I was tired . . . bone achingly exhausted from all the moving shit around that I had done. But, I couldn’t fall asleep. I wanted to sleep . . . but my damn brain refused to turn off. Complete bullshit, if you ask me, because I had work in the morning and contracts didn't write themselves, but despite all the will I forced into it, sleep wasn’t coming.
By the time the clock struck one, I did the only thing I could think to do to help me sleep. I rolled over and reached for my phone on the night stand. When my eyes adjusted to the bright light the phone emitted, I tapped Lotus’ name, typed a message, and hit send.
Chapter 18
LOTUS
He left.
Grabbed his bags, packed his truck . . . and just left me with no warning. I guess subconsciously, I knew it was coming. His living here, our bedtime arrangement, hell . . . even our damn friendship was all temporary. I knew those were things that weren't going to last, but I guess I didn’t want to face the departures until the time came.
The time came.
I wanted to be mad at him but I couldn't be mad for him following through with arrangements we made up front. Instead, I decided to be hurt. Hurt because he had acted so caring and sincere, when he knew the whole time we were screwing the exact expiration date of our arrangement.
My apartment wasn’t quite the same without him there. The silence that was usually filled by the patter of Ruins’ feet following me around, or Beckett fumbling around in the kitchen, making a second dinner to satisfy his oversized body was replaced by peace. Peace, ha, the irony wasn't lost on me that the one thing people craved was now the one thing I could no longer stand, unless he was nearby.
It was stifling.
You would think after sharing my place for so long, I would be happy to have it back, but I wasn't. It was only a reminder of what I already knew; I was done being alone. My half-assed attempt at dating guys who met a certain list had failed me completely, but that didn't change the fact that I was lonely and I just wanted someone to share my space with. Obviously not Beck, but someone.
Preparing for bed was almost painful. Sure, I did my normal routine, but in the past week my routine had become our routine. It seemed odd, all of a sudden, to not be crammed into a little bathroom, brushing my teeth next to him, or fighting over who was going to get up and turn off the lights in the apartment, after we both got into bed. Him, by the way; he got up and turned off the lights and checked the door locks every night. I don't think he actually minded since the reward for doing such tasks surpassed general compensation.
By the time I made it to bed, I was sure I would fall asleep in no time and that maybe, tomorrow would be better than today. Only I hadn't really put much thought into how much my pillows would smell like his spicy body wash, or how cold I would be. Not cold in the general sense, but I was cold. Lonely . . . missing the warmth and presence of his body near mine while I slept. Was that even a thing? To feel cold when I physically wasn't?
I lay awake for hours, and with each tick of the clock, I grew more frustrated at my inability to catch the sandman. I was annoyed that I let him get this much power over me in such a short time, but in my defense, I thought I had more time. Sure, I knew it would end, but I just thought I had a little longer with him.
By one o’clock, my eyes were finally beginning to grow heavy. The weight of exhaustion and the toll of all the struggles going on within me, had finally crashed together and sleep was close. Close that was, until my phone buzzed and my screen lit up from my night stand.
I told myself I wouldn’t look. It could be anything and I really needed to get some sleep, but then my mind did that thing where it makes the worst out of a situation. What if it was Myra? What if she needed a designated driver because she went out, unplanned, and got too wasted to drive? She could have had a flat tire. She could have been stranded, in the middle of nowhere, with a flat and she could have needed me.
I reached over and grabbed my phone, squinting as my eyes adjusted to the intense lighting in my dark bedroom. When my eyes were finally able to read the screen, my heart jumped and my stomach tightened. It was Beckett. Well, at least I assumed Beckett . . . I couldn’t be completely sure, since he had apparently changed his name in my phone. Again. According to him, when you were as careless as I was with your mobile device, you were pretty much asking to be messed with.
Superior Fucker: Hey
I hadn't decided if the title was created because he was the biggest motherfucker in the universe . . . or if it was because he felt he was close to a sex God. Probably the latter, knowing him, but I thought it was open to interpretation.
Me: Hi
Superior Fucker: Good, you’re up.
Me: I am now that you woke me with your text.
Superior Fucker: Baby, you sleep like the dead. You weren’t sleeping.
I hated that he knew me so well, and I imagined he was lying in bed with one of his annoyingly smug grins plastered on his face.
Me: Well I was almost asleep. What do you want?
Superior Fucker: Ruins misses you
An image of Ruins came through, where he was lying on some blankets, giving Beckett sad looking eyes. I literally awed out loud, even though no one was there to hear me.
Superior Fucker: He wants you to come over and sleep with him.
Me: Aww, tell him I miss him too.
Superior Fucker: Only him?
Me: Are you fishing for something to boost your ego, ‘superior fucker’? Because you aren’t getting it from me.
Superior Fucker: You like that, don’t you? You know it’s true.
Me: I’ll let you think it’s true.
Superior Fucker: What are you wearing?
Me: Oh no! Sorry buddy, you’re not going to talk me into phone sex at 1 a.m.
Superior Fucker: I bet you are wearing that little black tank and your blue lace panties. I love blue on you.
Me: Nope, not working.
Superior Fucker: I am picturing it, you look ducking sexy.
Superior Fucker: *Fucking. Damn it. I bet you look fucking sexy as he’ll.
Superior Fucker: *Hell. I don’t have fucking patience for autocorrect.
I had just finished reading his text and laughing when my phone began to ring in my hand. He was video calling me. I turned on my light and hit answer. “Hey.”
“Hey. We miss you.” He made a sad face a
nd then pointed the camera at Ruins for a minute, before turning it back on himself. He was lying back on a pillow, shirtless, from what I could see. He gave me a sexy smirk, “So are you going to show me what you’re wearing?”
“Ha! Nope. I’m not having phone sex.”
“Please? It will help me sleep.” His lower lip jutted out, into a pout.
“Nope. But I’ll gladly sit here and watch your O face if you want to proceed solo.” I told him. Only half joking, because let’s face it, watching him jack off would be hot as hell.
A sly smile crossed his face. “What makes you think I wasn’t already before you gave me permission?” he asked.
“Have you always been a dirty bastard, or is this a new development?” I asked him, trying not to laugh at his antics.
“It’s you, baby, being around you brings so much out of me.” He sighed, a little defeated, looked away for a couple of heartbeats, “I hate it.”
“Hate what?” I adjusted myself so I was lying on my stomach, using my extra pillow; his pillow, to prop the phone up so I could talk hands free.
“I hate that you make me weak, Lotus. I hate that it’s only been a few hours and my dog is miserable without you. And that I can’t fucking sleep because my bed feels so vast without your body heat mixing with mine. I hate that you make me want to protect you, even when you insist you don’t need protection. I hate the want you evoke just looking at you. But most of all, I hate that you make me want things that are no good for either of us.”
He looked torn, and maybe I didn’t understand his reasoning, but I did believe in his struggle. “Why is it no good?”
He didn’t answer me, instead I watched as he pulled his blanket up next to his chin and got comfortable under it. “Sleep with me?” he asked.
“I’m not leaving my house at one a.m.” There was no way I was leaving my bed, let alone venturing outside.
“I know, I meant on the phone. Go to sleep with me.” I watched as he closed his eyes.
I closed mine too. “Okay.”
For my first night of living alone in months . . . I spent it sleeping on video chat with Beckett Fucking Cole. When I opened my eyes in the morning, my phone was dead, the sun had risen, and despite the fact that he left me and I was alone last night . . . I was content.
Chapter 19
BECKETT
Ever since that first night I moved out and fell asleep with Lotus on video chat, I hadn’t slept alone. There was no way I was going to put up with another fitful night when the solution was so obvious and simple. The next night, I drove to her apartment and slept there. The following night, she came to my place and helped me christen the new bed.
This new arrangement worked well for both of us, well, at least I assumed it did. We both got a solid night sleep and sex out of it, so really, what could be the downside? We took turns making dinner and every morning I had someone to wash my back in the shower, occasionally directly after getting my cock sucked. I couldn't complain.
Our whole understanding had been going on since a little before Halloween, and honestly, I selfishly hoped it didn't change anytime soon. It wasn't all about sex, even though that was definitely a main selling point. It was about movie night, early breakfast runs, inside jokes, and seeing her smile, because fuck, I would be lying if I didn’t admit that her smile was the highlight of my day.
Conversation. There was a lot of that too. Shockingly, I didn't mind that she was always filling the silence with her sporadic chatter. I’d found out a lot about her during those little chatty spurts, and I loved learning everything I could. She asked a lot of questions too, which were both sweet and painful, depending on the moment.
What’s your favorite color?
Blue, obviously.
Favorite dessert?
Cookies, but I won't discount anything that involves whip cream.
Why is the spot over your heart blank?
Cringe. Because it's symbolic. Only things that symbolize true love should go over your heart, in my opinion. I'll never find something I’m passionate about to fill that space.
What’s your favorite book?
Um, does my motorcycle manual count?
Sometimes I thought my answers hurt her, or she pitied me and I didn't understand why. She didn't say anything though, just nodded her head like she understood and I let it be. The nature of our arrangement didn't require her sympathy, only her satisfaction, and I was happy to leave it at that.
It was a Friday, and she had to work late, which I really hated. I wanted her to be home with me, instead of stuck making arrangements for last minute customers. But, as she repeatedly told me, I couldn't always get what I wanted, which was true I guess, but that didn't mean I had to accept it. So instead, I decided to hang out with Bentley. It had been a while since we had some man time, and I sort of missed the geek.
When I arrived, he had a plethora of junk food and drinks laid out over the table in his tiny studio apartment. On the coffee table, in a neatly fanned display, he had placed all the possible movie choices, as well as a smaller selection of video games, in case we decided to go that route. In that moment, I had never loved the goof more for trying so hard. I wondered if I should have brought him flowers or something. Maybe some wine. I tried not to laugh at the mental image, because I was pretty sure he would have accepted it, and missed the sarcasm behind it all.
We ended up playing video games, and I will admit, he completely wiped the floor with me. I’m not really the video game type. I have nothing against them or anything, it’s just I had a lot going on during my teenage years. Especially after I moved away, so I never put much time into gaming.
It was approaching eight, and I was watching my phone like a hawk eying his dinner. I knew she would be done soon, and we might have already planned for her to just show up here when she got done with her work. Ben didn’t know we were sleeping together. Who we slept with was really none of his business. Instead, we planned her visit to be a sporadic surprise drop by to her brother’s.
I suspected he would be suspicious, since she hadn't randomly visited him in months, but she insisted she had it covered, so I had to trust her. The last thing I needed was a wedge put between me and my best friend because his sister got me going. I know, it was plain to see that there was everything wrong with the situation, but I feared I was already in too deep to gracefully see myself out of it. I should have known the moment I knocked on the door and she slammed it in my face . . . I should have known she would weaken the strengths I had spent two years hardening.
It was a constant push and pull inside of me. I wanted her. Every cell of my body was telling me to connect myself to her and not to let go. When we had ice cream in bed, or wrestled for the remote, it was hard to convince myself that those cells were wrong. I most certainly couldn't hang on to her forever, I knew she deserved more than I was, and I sensed that she wanted more, too. But I come from a messed-up family, and there was no way I could commit to becoming a family man, knowing it wasn't in my blood.
I had tried it once, thinking I could overcome my past and the roots of hateful, horrible, unloving parentage and be more. I worked hard, or so I thought, to build a respectable life and commit myself to the person I loved. I spent the whole time in a state of lonely panic and I realized that Alexa was right; not only was I not good enough for her, I wasn't not good enough for life. The life I wanted and craved; the life that wasn't meant for me.
It was fifteen past eight when there was a knock at the door. Ben paused the game and looked at me frowning. “Know who that is?”
“Nope.” I gave him a head shake, that I hoped he bought and watched as he got up to answer the door. Looking through the door peek prior to opening the door, he pulled it open with a giant grin on his face.
“Well, look who it is! My long-lost sister!” He pulled her in for a hug.
“I brought ice cream.” She held up a shopping bag for Ben to see, before stepping into the studio. “I figured we hadn’t hun
g out in a while and I wanted to stop by and see you.”
I watched as Ben took the ice cream from her hand. Her eyes scanned the room, landing on me before continuing on with her staged ignorance. “Oh! Hey, Beckett. I didn’t know you were here. How’s the new place? “
“Good. I’m keeping myself busy over there.” I gave her a wink when I knew Ben wasn’t looking. She knew exactly what type of busy I was referring too.
She shrugged then turned her body toward her brother. “Sorry, I didn’t know you had guest. I can come back another time.”
She knew her brother wouldn’t turn her away, “No, it’s fine. I was getting tired of video games, anyway. A guy can only kick Beck’s ass so many times before it loses its fun. We can pop in a movie or something.”
He came back from his kitchen area with an armful of junk food and set it on the table in front of his couch. He picked a movie from the selection on the table and put the DVD into the player. When he turned, he looked at Lotus standing there and back at me. “It’s fine that she stays, right?”
I willingly agreed, because obviously, I wanted her there. “Yeah, of course.”
I slid off the love seat, onto the ground at the exact moment Lotus took my spot, laying across the couch. Ben looked at us for a moment, staring in suspicion and it was only then that I realized we looked like a well-coordinated couple. Me, sacrificing my comfort to give her the spot on the couch she liked so much, and her willingly accepting what I had to offer. We’d done this same dance many times at my place, but never in front of anyone else.
“What?” I asked, trying to distract him.
He shook his head before answering, “Nothing.” He walked over to the recliner and sat down with a content groan. “Oh, hey. Now that I’m thinking about it, Mom wanted to know if you were coming to Thanksgiving. “
Obscured Love Page 14
