The Dancer

by Jordan Silver

  seemed to want me to read between the lines, then he was someone I could trust. He knows some of what I’m feeling and have been since the demise of my family.

  He had an almost built in reproach for the very thing I am afraid of, betrayal, being left swinging in the wind without an anchor. How could that be? How could he be so close to the only kind of man that I would even consider giving myself to?

  After mom died I’d pretty much made up my mind to steer clear of all serious relationships. I knew a lot of it had to do with my anger, but there was a genuine fear inside me that grew over time.

  I don’t think even my brother knows the kind of pain mom was in, I never let him read the letter or her private journal that I had found days later. I almost threw up at the thought of the journal that I had locked away in a safety deposit box, so that there was no way of my brother ever finding it.

  All my mother’s hurt and pain were on those pages. All the lies and deceit, and the utter betrayal she felt at the hands of her high school sweetheart. They’d been together more than half their lives. And it was all gone in a matter of minutes.

  As I sat there listening to her while she checked on the steaks and got a salad ready, I realized that what I was looking for was the one thing I couldn’t have; a guarantee.

  I wanted to be sure that whatever man I ended up with if any, that he wouldn’t break my heart. I know that it’s stupid, but that fear didn’t allow for rationality.

  The picture she painted sounded so nice. But was it just a mother’s love for her son? Could he really be all those things? A part of me was hoping so hard, and yet another was wary.

  I started to rethink everything from the moment we met, looking at it from a different perspective. It’s not like I was going to run and jump into his arms because of one conversation with his mother. But her words did give me something to think about.

  Had he seen something in me that first night? Is that why he dragged me off to his office and fed me? I never did understand that, but now it makes sense. He probably took one look at my second hand jacket and felt pity for me.

  Is that what this is? Does he see some kind of resemblance between me, and his mom? I hope not, or I’ll feel really stupid. No, that’s not it! He didn’t kiss me like he was thinking about his mom.

  I was only confusing myself with my thoughts, and besides it was obvious that his mom wasn’t done. “Grab the plates and set the table love, dinner’s almost ready.” She’d done everything herself I noticed and I felt guilty.

  “I’m so sorry, I was supposed to be helping.” I’d been so lost in my head I hadn’t even realized that dinner was ready. Her warm reassuring smile let me off the hook.

  “It was good just to have the company. Plus I like any chance to talk about my darling son. I don’t get the opportunity too often. He never brings home any friends, it’s always just Tony. And he’s so private, I don’t dare discuss him with my friends.”

  It was on the tip of my tongue to ask her about all the women he’d dated. Women I’d heard whispered about at the club. I have to admit after learning who he is I’d taken a peek at his Google profile and seen plenty in images.

  “I can’t imagine that he doesn’t have lots of friends.” That was as close as I could get to asking what I really wanted to know without giving away the fact that I was interested. She read me like a book anyway.

  “I can tell you honestly that you’re the first girl he ever brought home to me. I never met any of those things he traipsed around with, except to see them in magazines or the Sunday gossip column.”

  She called the others in for dinner after dropping that bombshell. Leaving me with a million questions and more confused than I had been before.

  Chapter 24

  I could see from the blank expression on her face when I was finally allowed in my damn kitchen, that mom had already started working on her. I know that look of bemused admiration only too well. I’ve worn it a few times myself after mom had worked one of her word games on me.

  All through dinner she seemed a million miles away, hardly taking part in the conversation going on around the table. Mom was in her glory. It’s been a while since she had this many people to browbeat at once.

  Tony the suck up was singing her praises, Travis, I think he was flirting and she was just eating it up. They talked about the school and the island and if he’d like to come out and see her place.

  By the time the plates were cleared she had him all but moved in. His sister hadn’t said a word so I was pretty sure she was in her own zone. I don’t think I even want to know what the hell mom had put in her head to make her like that.

  Tony left soon after and mom was dragging her tail

  so we decided to call it a night. It was still pretty early for me so I sent them off and went to sit at my favorite window to look out at the world.

  The thumbs up mom gave me before she disappeared behind her bedroom door was like putting a stamp on outgoing mail. It was a done deal. There was no turning back now.

  I’d done two things with her in the last month that I never have with anyone else. First, I let her into my inner sanctum, and now I’d introduced her to the most important person in my life; until her.

  No one ever gets near my mother, none had ever come close. It was easy for me to let her. It never occurred to me not to. That alone said a hell of a lot.

  I looked down the street and across to the large monument in front of the park. I imagined the street the way it looks for the holidays and found myself hoping that she would be here with me then.

  I could imagine taking her a few streets over to Fifth Ave when it was all lit up, and the store windows all decorated like a nineteen-thirties

  black and white film. I actually got a warm glow from the thought and vowed to make it a reality.

  I know enough now to know how to deal with her going forward. Had she not had any interest, she would’ve told mom in some way. The thumbs up and happy grin on mom’s face told me different.

  I sat up for most of the night thinking of what I had to do. I had plans to visit Ray Morrison’s place of employment as soon as business opens tomorrow, I also have to get the ball rolling on Travis’ school situation.

  I wasn’t sure about the particulars, or whom I was supposed to talk to about the kid. From what I’d gathered she was basically his guardian now, but I wasn’t sure if that was official or just how things ended up. That’s something else I’m gonna have to take care of.

  I should feel crowded, panicky, all the things that usually happens when some female starts getting the feels. But I felt none of that. Instead there was that budding sense of excitement that I felt the first time I saw her.

  I checked on her before turning in and went next

  door to stare up at the ceiling for the next half an hour before sleep finally took over.

  I heard movement outside in the hallway what felt lime mere minutes later and walked out just in time to see her sneaking out the door. A look out the window showed that it was still dark, but it was winter so that didn’t mean much. I checked my watch, five o’clock in the morning.

  “I don’t remember a lot, but I do know there’s no college in the world giving classes at this hour.” She jumped a mile in the air and yelped. I had to grab her before she fell to the floor.

  “What the hell, what is wrong with you sneaking up on me?” She hiss whispered in the dark.

  “Where are you going?”

  “Work, now if you don’t mind let me go or I’ll be late.” I held onto the front of her coat harder.

  “What the hell do you mean work? You work for me and it’s nowhere near time.” Had she woken up dazed and mistaken morning for evening?

  “If you must know I have another part time job.”

  ”You what?”

  “Can we have this conversation later? I really have

  to get going.”

  “Wait right here, let me get dressed.” Un-fucking believable. No wonder she
was only getting four hours of sleep at night. I pulled on a pair of sweats and a hoodie before grabbing the keys to my Spyder that was kept in the garage along with my other vehicles.

  She was waiting for me just inside the door and opened it as soon as she saw me. I had a feeling had I taken even a minute longer she would’ve left. As it was she complained all the way down in the elevator.

  She came up short when she saw the red sports car. “You drive?”

  “Yes I drive, now get in. I thought you said you were going to be late.”

  I helped her in and walked around to my side. “Tell me about this job, where is it?” I gritted my teeth to keep from saying anything negative, but she had to know this was nuts. How could anyone keep going like that for any length of time?

  “It’s a coffee shop not too far from my school. I work there a few hours each morning, same as at your place, Monday through Thursday.”

  “I open the shop until the owner and his son gets there. It’s only three hours, six to nine and then my first class is at nine-thirty. I left a note on Travis’ bed for him to meet me there before class begins so he won’t be in your hair.”

  I have no explanation for the amount of anger I felt. “The kid is fine, it’s you I’m worried about. Today is your last day there.” So much for controlling my anger, but this shit is nuts.

  “Excuse me?”

  “You heard me, it’s your last day there. What are you trying to do? Kill yourself?” Fuck Max, wrong fucking thing to say. Her face went sheet white and she stared at me out of sightless eyes.

  Thank fuck it was too early in the morning for any sane person to be on the road and I was able to pull over to the side. I wanted to kick my own ass.

  “Hey, breathe, come ‘ere, shit.” I unbuckled both our seatbelts and pulled her into my arms as best I could with the shit in the middle of us.

  What was I supposed to say? If I said the wrong thing she’d know that her brother had talked. “What happened, why did you lose all the color in your face?” I waited until she calmed down to ask. She eased out of my arms and back into her seat.

  I held my breath hoping that she would open up and tell me the truth, but all I got was a shaking head and a dead stare straight ahead. I’ve felt low after fucking up a time or two, but nothing came close to how utterly gutted I felt.

  I’d hurt her, the one thing I had promised myself I would never do. It was the last fucking thing I said to myself before falling asleep last night. That if I went there with her I would never hurt her, never cause her a moment’s pain.

  Since she wasn’t talking and I’d already fucked up I started up the car and said no more about it. I pulled up to the place and she reached for the door.

  “Hold up!” I slid out of the car and walked around to help her out. She still had her face set but I couldn’t give way on this one. I pulled her into my arms and held her precious head in my hand.

  “No real man wants to see his woman suffer baby.” Her body reacted with shock at my words and I held her even closer. “I’m sorry I hurt you back there. Look at me.”

  I hated the look of misery in her eyes. “It’s all going to be okay. I promise.” I lifted her chin and planted a soft slow kiss on her lips. She didn’t put up a fight and I let the kiss go on longer than I’d meant to, hating to let her go.

  I walked her to the door and waited until she went in and turned on the lights before disappearing from view. Fuck this shit. I looked up and down the block and there was no one around.

  Like hell she’s coming back here. This neighborhood might be better than the one I just dragged her out of, but it’s still New York. I went back to the car and sat on the place until the owner showed up almost an hour later when it was beginning to turn light outside.

  I might have fucked up there at the end but I meant what I said. She wasn’t coming back here after today. ‘Don’t push’ my ass, if I don’t who will?

  All the way back home I went back and forth on the best course of action. On the one hand she needed patience and on the other I feel like if I let her go on like this she’ll hurt herself.

  I could either stand back and watch her self- destruct, or I can be the man that I am and take control of this shit before it goes off the rails. I’d promised to show her hadn’t I? Well what better way than to show her who I really am?

  Maybe that’s just what she needs. Someone to take charge for a change and take the weight off her shoulders. If she gives me any shit with her pain in the ass self, well…she’s my pain in the ass. I’ll deal with it.

  Mom was up waiting with fresh brewed coffee and a plate of her famous homemade raisin cinnamon rolls. “Is Tony on his way over here?” Those are his favorite.

  “I woke up and you and that child were gone, I didn’t know what to think. Besides, we have a lot to do today and Tony’s a good boy, he deserves his favorite treat.”

  “What makes him so good? The fact that he’s your snitch?” She smiled at me and got me a cup of coffee. No shame whatsoever in this one.

  “Among other things. Now what’s the story?” I told her about Annabelle’s annoying ass, though I didn’t quite word it like that.

  “That poor child. She’s hurting too much to stop and think. And she’s so lost. Poor little thing. We have to get her back to herself before she runs herself into the ground.”

  “I understand maybe half of what you just said. Either way she’s not going back there. What the hell is she trying to prove?” If anyone would understand pain in the ass females she would, she’s damn near the mascot.

  ‘That she’s not her mother, that she’s not weak. But that’s only part of it. She has a lot of pent up stuff to deal with, things she’s not ready to face. And she’s smart enough to know that if she stops moving, she’ll have time to think and she doesn’t want to.”

  “I think our Annabelle was a very sheltered person before all that mess happened. She never really had to fend for herself, and now with her safety net gone, she’s floundering around to find her footing. In her mind, she has to do all this for her and her brother since they don’t have anyone.”

  “It’s scary feeling alone in the world like that, I know. I can still remember the fear of failing, of making the wrong choices. You’re always worried that one wrong step will make everything worst than it already is.”

  “Mom I can’t watch her go through that. I know you told me not to push, but I can’t… Do you know how hard it was for me to watch you all those years? How tired you would be, but you’d still have to keep going?”

  “Or when you were sick and still insisted on going to work? The first time I ever picked up a ball, the first time I realized I could get paid for doing it, all I could think about was making it so that I could make your life easier.”

  “I know that son, I know how that heart of yours is and I’m glad for it. I’m happy that you’ve found someone that you feel that strongly for, but we have to be careful with her...”

  “She’s breaking my heart mom. Because every time I see her I see you and the way things used to be, and all I want to do is make it better. I can’t watch another woman I love work herself into the ground like that.” I stopped talking when I saw the tears in her eyes. “What is it? What did I say?”

  She dried her face and smiled through the fresh tears that fell from her eyes. “That’s about the sweetest thing you’ve ever said to me.” Huh? What the hell was she talking about?

  And then I realized what I’d said, what I’d let slip. Well shit! It didn’t exactly send me into a blind panic, saying it out loud, but it was close. She took pity on me and didn’t bring it up, for which I was immensely grateful.

  “Okay, we’ll work on her together. Go get the door.” I walked down the hall and opened the door to a frowning Tony. “What the fuck bro!”

  “Calm down, I drove Anna to her job.”

  “Her what?”

  “Exactly!” I recounted the story I’d told mom to him and got pretty much the same
reaction. The three of us sat at the kitchen table hashing and rehashing ways to deal with her.

  Travis joined us not long after half asleep and bleary eyed. He showed me the note she’d left on his pillow and I balled it up and shoved it in my pocket. “You’re with me today.”

  “Cool, I wasn’t looking forward to sitting in a stuffy college library all day.” Mom got up and made him breakfast. Tony had already polished off most of the rolls and I was satisfied with coffee.

  I missed her. The apartment had a different feel without her in it. As I listened to what amounted to my family discussing ways to save my girl from herself, I knew that there was only one thing to do.

  There was only one way to handle this, my way. I’d been too caught up in my head, couldn’t separate her from my childhood memories and the mother I’d watched go through way too much.

  But she’s not my mother and I’m not her father. She’s the girl I’d come to feel for when I never thought I could feel this deeply for anyone. Her pain is now my pain and I don’t like pain one fuck, so I have to put an end to this shit right quick.

  She doesn’t have to prove shit to anyone, that shit is dead. Anyone with that much intelligence has to

  know that shit on some level.

  I listened to mom and Tony pump the kid for information, trying to find the right approach, but my mind was already pretty much made up.

  Nothing she was doing was acceptable. She had a noble reason, no doubt, for all that she’d undertaken, but at the rate she was going she’d be dead or close to it in just a matter of time.

  Since I’ve decided that she’s for me, it was now up to me to put this shit right. I’d handled her with kid gloves because of the chaos in my head but that shit ends now.

  I checked my watch before getting to my feet. ‘Tony we have to head downtown in an hour. I’ll go get ready. Mom you and the kid stay here until we get back, it shouldn’t take long.”

  I took a quick shower and dressed in one of my power suits. Usually just my name alone was enough to change people’s attitudes, today I was going for the kill. I want Ray Morrison fired before I hit the exit.