Picture Perfect

by Hayden Hunt

  I side eyed him, “Uh, what exactly is that supposed to mean?”

  “It means you’re going to win. You’re the most talented person in the class. I’ll be wasting my time if I go up against you.”

  I laughed, “Okay, obviously you’re just as talented as me—”

  “No, I’m fucking not.” he bit, in a tone I’ve never heard from him.

  “Uh,okay, I—”

  “Seriously, you’re so much better than me. I’ve been in school for this for years, and you completely outshine me. Your technique is absolutely perfect. I’ve never seen you fuck up a single shot. Even your first prints are near perfection. You have a natural talent for this that far exceeds mine.”

  Wow, I had no idea he thought this way. And it would be a compliment that he believed me so talented if it weren’t coming with so much vitriol attached to it.

  I didn’t know how to argue, though. He was right. Not about me being more talented overall, I don’t believe that. He has talents that I don’t have. Technical ability is not everything.

  But, admittedly, I do have more technical skill than him. That’s just because my brain works differently than his. I’m not nearly as creative as he is. My art comes from a place of logic; his comes from the heart.

  “That’s just not true. Your photography is artistic. It’s creative, and it’s touching on an emotional level, which mine almost never is.”

  “They don’t look for that in contests, Rich. They look for skill, and you have it in spades. And you’re probably going to have a photography business up and running long before I ever do.”

  “What?! What are you talking about? Since when did this become a competition? I thought we were both here to support one another, to fuel each others’ dreams, not tear them down.”

  “Well, I guess I’m shitty that way. Shitting on your dreams because of my jealousy. My bad, I’m flawed.”

  “Patrick—”

  “And how long will you put up with it?”

  He had completely lost me. “Wait, what? What are you even talking about?”

  “I’m asking how long are you going to put up with my flaws before you finally give up on me? Before you no longer want to be with me?”

  “Pat, I’ve never said anything about you being flawed or—”

  “But I am. And it’s only a matter of time before you realize it, and this whole thing implodes.”

  “Whole thing…?”

  “Our relationship. Before our relationship implodes into a bunch of pain and heartache.”

  “It’s not! I love you, and it’s not. I don’t care that you have flaws. So do I!” I assured him.

  “But your flaws aren’t like mine. You, as a whole person, are better than me. You are completely and utterly out of my league.”

  “Is that really how you feel?” I asked.

  “Yes! Absolutely! There is no doubt in my mind.”

  “How can you say that. You are such a wonderful person.”

  “Am I? I’m a fucking kid compared to you. I’m working a dead-end retail job, I have a shitty apartment, and I’m way behind in life in comparison to you.”

  “Oh my god!” I said, exasperated and frustrated that he would have this meltdown in the middle of class. Though, nobody was around to hear us, almost everyone had gone into the darkroom, and the few people left in the classroom were in the back.

  “What? Am I embarrassing you? With all my immaturity?”

  “You’re frustrating me because you’re not being logical in the slightest. I like you, Pat. No, scratch that, I fucking love you. And what the hell does money mean? It’s nothing to me. You’re broke while you’re putting yourself through school to pursue your dream.”

  I thought telling him I loved him for the first time might bring him off the edge, but it didn’t. His face didn’t soften at all, in fact, I think it hardened. It’s like my expression of love for him only drove him deeper into a pit of frustration.

  “Yeah, putting myself through school for a dream that you are going to achieve long before me. Hey, maybe I can be your mooch-husband who works as your assistant in your successful photography studio. Wouldn’t that be great?”

  “I don’t see you that way! I’m not out of your fucking league, Pat! You’re being ridiculous.”

  He shrugged, “That’s me. Young, immature, ridiculous Pat. You know what?” he said, as he got up. “I think I’m going home for the day.”

  “What?!” I asked, in complete shock, “But, why? Don’t you need to work on something for the contest?”

  “No. I was serious. I’m not doing it if you’re whom I have to go up against. I won’t succeed next to you, it’s pointless, and I don’t give a shit about it.”

  “Okay, fine, but you can’t just leave in the middle of class.”

  “Sure I can. I’m not feeling well, and I’ll let Professor Bingsley know that on my way out.” he started packing his textbooks and film canisters into his backpack.

  “Fine!” I snapped. “Go, then. When will I see you next?”

  He shrugged, “I don’t know.”

  Suddenly, an intense fear washed over me.

  “Wait,” I asked shakily, “you’re not thinking of breaking up with me, are you?”

  “I… I don’t know,” he said seriously, “right now, I just need some space.”

  “Some space? So… what does that mean for us? Are you dumping me?”

  “No. I just… I’m asking for a break, I guess. For me to think and clear my head.”

  I could feel my heart pounding, the thought that he might not want to be with me any longer made me feel sick.

  “So, I should just leave you alone, then? Not talk to you at all?”

  “Yeah, for awhile,” he instructed, “when I’m ready to talk, I’ll come to you.”

  “But you will come to me, right? You won’t just leave me hanging here? You’re not going to leave me without saying anything?”

  “No. I promise.”

  That was the last thing he said before he walked out of class.

  I felt dizzy. Everything had happened so fast. One moment, I was looking over at him excited to hear about the contest, and, the next, I was thinking about life without him.

  I know he’s been distant for the last few weeks, but I never thought it would possibly result in a break-up. It still felt like this was coming out of nowhere.

  I was both sad and frustrated. There was a part of me that wanted to just be pissed at him for doing this, when I’ve done basically nothing to deserve it. I’ve been kind to him, I haven’t showed even the slightest passing of judgment on him. Because I don’t judge him, I’m in love with the boy.

  But he is right about one thing, I guess. He is young. And, okay, maybe not quite as mature as I am. Sure, it’s a flaw. I love him despite it, but I won’t deny that it’s true.

  And knowing that is what kept me from getting angry at him. At his age, I was still married to a woman and not even considering getting out of it yet. It’s not like I didn’t make some shitty decisions at his age. I needed a little more life experience to figure out what I wanted from life.

  Which is fine. And this is fine for him, too. He’s young, he’s confused, he’s never had a real, serious relationship, and now the relationship he’s known his whole life, his parents, is devolving right in front of his eyes. It’s not unreasonable for him to have a few setbacks.

  That’s all this was, a minor set back. That’s all I’d allow it be. His confusion and hesitancy to commit is not going to be the end of our relationship, not if I have any say in it. I would not give up on him that easily.

  I didn’t really want to be in class anymore, I would’ve liked to go home like Patrick but I couldn’t. I had work I was going to do.

  I was still going to do this contest. It upsets me that he won’t when he has just as good a chance as I do, but I can’t let that stop me. I need this opportunity more than ever.

  And I was going to use it to win him back. Whatev
er it takes, I’ll win him back.

  I’d shot a lot of rolls since that first assignment I did with Pat. Most of them weren’t portrait photography, though they were arguably as good as that first roll. Maybe even better in some ways. But I wasn’t going to use any pictures from them. I knew the exact photograph I wanted, I’d been saving it for something else, but it seems necessary now.

  I went into the darkroom and got to work.

  8

  Patrick

  I’d spent the last two weeks avoiding Rich. Partly out of fear, partly out of embarrassment.

  I still had to see him every class, but other than that, he made it easy to avoid him. He didn’t reach out to me. He was really respectful of giving me the time I needed.

  Even in class, he didn’t talk to me. He looked at me, and I could see in his eyes he wanted to, but he fought it. He was serious about not crossing a boundary.

  I should be grateful for this, but it only made me feel more guilty. He was genuinely a very good guy. He respected me, even when it was hurting him. I didn’t deserve him.

  I regretted my decision basically as soon as I made it. When I walked out that classroom door, a pit in my stomach formed that hasn’t left me for weeks.

  I wanted to fix things, but I was such a fucking dick to him. And for what? Because he’s a better photographer than me? Because he’s going to have the success I want so desperately?

  No, that’s not it at all. I don’t care that he’s better than me. In fact, I love him for his talent. That was just some bitter excuse to not have to deal with my real fears.

  And that fear is that he’s going to crush me. I’m going to be left empty in the future, just like my parents. I still have that fear.

  Which, aside from the embarrassment, might be the real reason I haven’t tried to patch things up. Those insecurities still haven’t left me. Now I just have new insecurities to add to them.

  God, I’m a mess. How did I even reach this point?

  The worst part was, I was hurting anyway. Everything I’d feared would happen was already happening to me. Still, it would be worse if we were together for years and then our relationship fell apart. At least, right now, I’d eventually get over it. I have a feeling my mother will never get over the divorce with my father, and she’s simply going to live out her years unhappily.

  I guess my dad is doing okay, though. I’m having lunch with him today for the first time in a few months. He’d moved out of town, and, with all my schoolwork and issues with Rich, I hadn’t had the time to see him. We tried to grab a meal at least once a month normally.

  I was looking forward to seeing him at least. Especially now that my mom has calmed down. I think he’ll be happy to hear that.

  We met at this old sandwich shop on Richer Avenue. It’s a place he took me to a lot growing up, and it’s almost always where we got together.

  When I arrived, he was already sitting at a small table with two sandwiches in hand.

  “Hey, son!” he said excitedly, standing up and hugging me as I waked in the door.

  “Hey, Dad, how are you?”

  “Oh, you know, same old, same old,” he smiled. “Hope it’s okay I grabbed your sandwich for you.”

  “Yeah, of course.” My father obviously knew what I liked to order.

  “So glad you could see me today. It’s been way too long. Can we please not allow this much time to pass before seeing each other again?”

  “Right, yeah, no, of course. Sorry, I’ve been a little slammed.”

  “School got you down? Or work?”

  “A little bit of both,” I said, as I opened up my deli sandwich wrapping. “And then some.”

  “And then some?” he raised an eyebrow. “I hope that doesn’t mean your mother.”

  “No, no!” I said quickly. “No, actually, I wanted to tell you. She seems like she’s doing a lot better. I mean, I know she’s still sad or whatever and seems a little bitter. But she’s being more rational. She’s not calling me every day to talk shit on you, at least. Which I appreciate.”

  He gave a gentle smile, “I’m really, really glad to hear that. You know, I still care about your mother. I worry about her. I’m glad she’s finally starting to let go.”

  “And what about you?” I asked. “How have you been handling things?”

  “Pretty well. I mean, don’t tell that to your mother. I don’t want to rub it in her face. But I haven't really been struggling. It’s been a smooth transition into my new life with Ashley.”

  Ashley was the woman he’d had an affair with that he was now dating. I guess, on principle, I should probably hate her, but I don’t. She was in a shitty, borderline abusive relationship herself, and I understand why things went down like they did. I’m not saying either of them were in the right, but they’re family now. And I accept that.

  “You know, you can bring Ashley, sometimes. I don’t mind,” I assured him.

  He smiled, “Thank you. I’m really happy to hear that, but… But maybe we’ll hold off awhile longer. Even if you’re fine with Ashley, your mother is not, and I don’t want her feeling betrayed. It’s a sensitive time,” he sighed and looked down at his food.

  “What? What’s wrong?”

  “I still have a lot of guilt from what I did to your mother. She didn’t make life easy, but she didn’t deserve to have me cheat. After I slipped up with Ashley, I ended it pretty quickly, but that’s no excuse. Please, don’t ever do what I did. I worry all the time that I’ve set a bad example for you…”

  “Don’t worry,” I assured him. “I get it. I don’t agree with it, but I get it. And I haven’t learned any bad behaviors from you.”

  “Good.” He seemed relieved to hear this. “If you’re ever in a relationship that makes you unhappy, just end it. Before things get ugly.”

  “And maybe even in a relationship that is happy, end it, before things get ugly…” I mumbled, without thinking.

  He looked completely thrown off. “Huh? What are you talking about?”

  I took in a deep breath. “I’m talking about my other problem that’s got me down. My, uh, ex… or, no, maybe not ex, I don’t know. Just a guy I’m seeing.”

  “Ahh…” He seemed to understand. “So this is a relationship that has you bothered, huh?”

  “Yes. Definitely,” I admitted.

  “Well, spill,” he encouraged. “Who’s the boy?”

  “His name is Rich, he’s a guy I met in my intro to film photography class.”

  “Okay, so, what’s the deal with him? You like him, you don’t like him?”

  “Oh, I like him. I like him a lot. More than any other boy I’ve ever dated, actually. He’s the first guy I’ve been serious about.”

  “Well, that sound great! So what’s been the problem?”

  “Uh… that is the problem,” I answered.

  “I’m not following.”

  “How much I like him is the issue for me. I’m scared of how deeply I feel for him.”

  “Why would that scare you?” he asked between bites of his sandwich.

  “Because… I don’t know. Relationships end. Or, even worse, they die, and they don’t end because you’re already married and then you get stuck.”

  “Ahhh...” he nodded. “So this is about me and your mother.”

  “No… well, yes, in a way. Okay, admittedly, I wasn’t really afraid of all this until I told Mom about him.”

  “What did she say to scare you?” he asked.

  “She said that relationships always end, that people aren’t meant to be with one other person for the rest of their lives. That, eventually, you get sick of their flaws.”

  “Son, I know you love your mother, but, you also know she doesn’t have the most positive view of relationships right now. You can’t take her words to heart. She’s upset right now—”

  “That’s the thing! She wasn’t upset at all at the time. She actually even said she didn’t blame you for the divorce.”

  He furrowed his
brow, “Really?”

  “Yes! She said she accepted her fault in the relationship ending, but that, fundamentally, relationships just can’t work out. That’s what bothered me. If it was another crazy rant of hers, I could ignore it. But the fact that she was so calm about it. It seemed like she really believed she was simply warning me or something.”

  “Either way, you don’t need to take her advice. She’s still wrong. Relationships can work, and they are worth it.”

  “Are you sure?” I asked. “You committed to Mom too early, and you ended up with twenty years of unhappiness!”

  “Is that what you think?” he laughed. “That I just lost twenty years of my life because I was married to your mom?”

  “Didn’t you?”

  “No. Absolutely not. I still, and always will, look back fondly on the memories of those years. Are you kidding? I have absolutely no regrets.”

  “Really?” I asked hesitantly. “If you could go back and redo it, not marry Mom to begin with…—”

  “I wouldn’t dream of it. It wasn’t all bad with your mother, even if it wasn’t the healthiest of relationships. And in the end, I had you. Those twenty years were the years I was a father to you. How could I regret that? You were the best thing that happened to me.”

  “Oh…” was all I could muster, as I sipped my water.

  “Look, life isn’t perfect, Patrick. Not for anyone. You’re never going to have a linear road to perfect happiness. You have to accept the risks that there are in life in order to get to any kind of happiness, though. The road to where I am today wasn’t linear. I had setbacks, I had times of severe unhappiness. But you know what? Right now, I’m happy. Right now, I’m exactly where I need to be. If I hadn’t gone through all those years of frustration, I wouldn’t be exactly where I am now.”

  I felt even more stupid. I wish I had called my father right after my mom the day after things were official with Rich. I could’ve avoided all this heartache and frustration.

  Because my dad’s words really spoke to me, more than my mom’s. I do have a wish for a linear road to happiness. I dream of going to school, getting my business up and running, being with someone I care about, and starting a happy family.