Salvage Merc One: The Daedalus System

by Jake Bible

  “I still have all my parts,” Boss Three said. “It’s safe to say I’m still a man.”

  “None of us are exactly men because none of us are exactly alive,” Boss Seven said. “Do we have to keep harping on this all the time?”

  “Just saying I’m fully intact,” Boss Three said.

  “Good for you,” I said and clapped slowly. “Bravo for your twig and berries.”

  “Berries? I believe there are blueberry muffins,” Boss One said. “Would anyone care for—?”

  “No!” Boss Two shouted then took a breath. “No…”

  “Alya was to be the first female Boss,” Boss Seven said. “She was the first female Salvage Merc One, and there was no reason for her not to ascend to this table.”

  “Except for the curse,” I said. “Got it. What is the curse?”

  “We don’t know,” Boss Four said. He tried to smile at me, but failed miserably. “That’s going to kind of be your job.”

  “Excuse me?” I asked. “My job what?”

  “To find out what the curse is and break it,” Boss Three said. “Isn’t that obvious?”

  “Nothing is obvious anymore,” Mgurn said with such a defeated tone.

  “Your quest is to free Alya from her curse, and let her soul move on to its next plane of existence,” Boss Two said.

  “You all keep calling it a quest, but what kind?” I asked.

  “Yes, about that…” Boss Four trailed off.

  “It will be trials,” Boss Seven said. “Ancient trials set up since almost the dawn of time.”

  “Ooo, I love history,” Boss One said and clapped his hands together. “I especially love the story of the Sheezus riding dinosaurs to Camelot! The sixties were a magical time!”

  “The quest is what it is,” Boss Seven continued. “But the trials are what you must endure to complete the quest. They are important.”

  “Any hint on what the trials are?” I asked.

  “Yes, well, they have already started,” Boss Four said.

  “Already started? You mean when I was zapped to that crazy door and stood face to boobies with Naked Snake Lady?” I said. “That’s not cool.”

  “No, they started before then,” Boss Four said. “Which explains your irritability of late.”

  “They started before then? Great. Just great,” I said. “So, what are the trials? I get super grumpy and piss everyone off around me? I can handle that.”

  “Well, no, not so much,” Boss Seven said. “You are undergoing what might be called a metamorphosis. You are changing. That is your first trial.”

  “To complete the quest, you will need to navigate the dangers put before you before your metamorphosis is complete,” Boss Two said. “Sorry.”

  “Sorry? Why? What the fo am I turning into?” I asked.

  “This,” Mgurn said and stood up. He handed me a tablet. I stared at the image on it. “Sorry, Joe.”

  “Is that a guy with a bull head?” I cried. “Seriously? I’m going to become this thing? What the fo, people!”

  “Yes, Joe, you will become that,” Boss Seven said. “You will become the Minotaur.”

  “Well, this foing blows!” I yelled and tossed the tablet back to Mgurn. “Just what I foing need!”

  Four

  “At least we know why you are so mean lately,” Mgurn said as we walked towards our quarters.

  Anyone that stepped into the corridor immediately looked for a new route. I must have been giving off some really bad mojo for people to avoid me when they couldn’t even comprehend me.

  “Yay, great, we know why I’m being a dick,” I said. “Oh, and why is it? Because I’m turning into a bull man!”

  “Better than becoming a Naked Snake Lady,” Mgurn said. When I didn’t respond, he said, “That’s a joke.”

  “No, it’s not,” I replied. “A joke is funny.”

  He mumbled something as we reached our quarters, and I keyed us in.

  It was some nice digs.

  Most numbers have small quarters which basically fit a bed and a desk. Some have en suite crappers, some have a little kitchenette. That’s usually as far as the luxury goes. For rookies, it’s worse. They have to bunk with their assistants for the first year. I had to with Mgurn.

  But, once I became Salvage Merc One, I got the deluxe accommodations. Mgurn still stayed with me, but we each had our own rooms and bathrooms. There was a huge kitchen, massive lounge, and a pool table. I played the hell out of that table. I loved my quarters.

  But that love couldn’t conquer the feeling of dread and the burning anger that was quickly consuming me.

  “A minotaur,” I said.

  “The Minotaur,” Mgurn corrected. He added the capital M. “The one of ancient myth.”

  “Myth? What myth?” I asked. “That pic you showed me was the first I’d ever heard of this thing.”

  “Did you not study ancient Earth myths in school, Joe?” Mgurn asked. “I am Leforian, and I studied them. They are the archetypes of the universe. Swap out the species and race, and you have the same stories across the galaxy.”

  “I must have missed that day in boring class,” I said. “And why would I care? Earth is a disgusting wasteland planet, buddy. We’ve been there. It’s a crudhole.”

  “It is now, but once it was full of vibrant civilizations,” Mgurn said.

  “Yeah, not caring about that at the moment,” I said.

  “You should,” Mgurn insisted. He walked into the kitchen and rummaged through the fridge. I knew what he was getting before he pulled it out.

  “Do you have to eat that in front of me?” I asked.

  He looked down at the sealed container of bright purple mold then over at me. “If I have to watch you drink your liver into oblivion then you have to watch me eat my dessert.”

  “You realize that some mechanics use that to get rust off of old ship parts, right?” I said.

  “It’s the rust that gives it flavor,” Mgurn replied. “I have a guy down in the repair bays that sets aside the overfed cultures.”

  “Awesome,” I said and plopped into one of the overstuffed chairs that filled our lounge. He followed behind me, plopped into a different one and cracked the lid of the container. “Oh, sweet Mother of Eight Million Gods. That stinks, man.”

  “It does not,” Mgurn said, his voice hurt.

  He took a couple of bites then looked at me and blinked.

  “Would you like me to tell you the story of the Minotaur?”

  “Can I stop you?” I responded.

  “You can, but I believe you will need all the education you can get to complete the task that is before you,” he said.

  “Probably,” I said.

  He ate for a minute then set his container aside. His prehensile tongue flicked out and licked the bits of mold that had stuck to his mandibles. Mgurn leaned forward on all four elbows and fixed me with what I could only assume was his attempt at looking scholarly.

  “It was back before the Earth had discovered technology,” Mgurn began. “Well before your ancestors even thought of going to the stars. Maybe they thought about it, but they didn’t consider the stars to be a separate space. It was where the Gods lived. If they wanted to travel there, it was only so they could be in the presence of the Gods, not so they could explore the vast reaches of the galaxy.”

  “Right,” I said and nodded. “Primitive hicks that wanted to get chummy with the Gods, not fly around in spaceships and blow stuff up.”

  “Not everyone that flies a ship wants to blow stuff up, Joe,” Mgurn said.

  “Yeah, the boring people,” I said.

  “Anyway, there was one God named Dr. Zeus,” Mgurn continued. “He had a brother who was known as Poisson the Adventurer, God of the Sea.”

  “Planet C?” I asked.

  “No, sea, as in ocean,” Mgurn said. “Lots of water.”

  “I know what an ocean is,” I replied. “Get on with it.”

  “So, a king by the name of Minnow was given a
white bull by Poisson to be sacrificed in honor of the god,” Mgurn said.

  “Hold on, why would a water god want a bull, which is a land animal, to be sacrificed for him? Is it a him?” I asked.

  “It is a him,” Mgurn said.

  “Okay, good. So, wouldn’t he want a sea cow or something instead? Those were a thing, right? Sea cows?”

  “Yes, they were,” Mgurn said. “Maybe the bull is the male sea cow.”

  “The picture you showed me was not of a sea creature,” I said. “It had the head of a land cow, I mean, land bull. It was not a male sea cow.”

  “Do you want to hear this story or not?” Mgurn asked.

  “Not really,” I said. “I don’t want anything to do with any of this. But it’s happening, so keep on yapping. Might as well hear it all.”

  “Minnow didn’t sacrifice the bull like he was supposed to,” Mgurn continued. “He thought it was pretty and kept it. That made Poisson very angry.”

  “I bet,” I said. “Gods like their sacrifices.”

  “That they do,” Mgurn agreed. “So Poisson decided to get even and he made King Minnow’s wife fall in love with the bull and become obsessed with bearing its child.”

  I stared at him for a second.

  “Uh…what?” I asked. “Are we talking bull-on-queen action?”

  “We are,” Mgurn said. “It was complicated and involved some type of cow suit and a lot of lube.”

  “Nope,” I exclaimed and stood up. “Done with this story.”

  “But I haven’t gotten to the Minotaur yet,” Mgurn protested. “That’s the entire point of this.”

  “I can probably fill in the blanks,” I said. “Minotaur is the offspring of the white bull and the freaky-deaky queen.”

  “Well, yes, that is true,” Mgurn replied. “But the part you need to hear is how the Minotaur was then imprisoned in a giant labyrinth by King Minnow. There was some war that happened, and one side lost. Not Minnow’s side, though. As payment for the war, King Minnow demanded that the other side sacrifice some of its best warriors. Or something like that.”

  “Or something like that?” I snorted. “Something like that doesn’t help me much, buddy.”

  “I am telling you what I know,” Mgurn said. “One of the warriors to be sacrificed was a young prince named Thesaurus.”

  “Are you foing crudding me?” I asked. “King Minnow? Prince Thesaurus? These people had some messed up names.”

  “It was a different time,” Mgurn said and shrugged. “Thesaurus went into the labyrinth and found the Minotaur. They fought and fought then Thesaurus defeated the Minotaur and saved all the other sacrifices. They left, but took a nap on the beach first.”

  “Beach? What beach?” I asked.

  “This was all on an island,” Mgurn said.

  “Oh,” I replied. “That explains the beach.”

  “They took a nap on the beach then Thesaurus was awoken by a goddess, and she said to leave right away,” Mgurn continued. “So he did and left everyone else there. When he got home, his dad, the king, a different king than Minnow, killed himself because of the color of his shirt.”

  I had nothing. I just stared at Mgurn. He waited for my reply politely. And waited. And waited.

  “Sheezus,” I finally said. “That is one insane story, Mgurn.”

  “The ancient ones always are,” Mgurn said. “You never learned this in school?”

  “A story about a Minnow king that had a wife who cheated on him with a bull then gave birth to a bull kid?” I responded. “Nope. Missed that one.”

  “The education system amongst humans is sorely lacking,” Mgurn said. “I know all about it, plus the ancient legends from my culture.”

  “Well, that’s why you’re better than me, Mgurn,” I said. “I’m just an ignorant guy from the planet of Bax. I can tell you all about swamps and crud like that, but no bull men and labyrinths or any ancient tales of guys named Dictionary.”

  “Thesaurus,” Mgurn corrected.

  “Him neither,” I said.

  “So sad,” Mgurn said.

  He actually looked bummed by my lack of ancient Earth knowledge. Not that I believed a word of it. No way any of that was real. But, if it was…

  “Hold on a second,” I said and sat up straight as my mind made an important connection. “If I’m turning into the Minotaur then that means I’m the monster in this whole thing.”

  “No, I believe you are Thesaurus,” Mgurn said. “But if you don’t complete your quest fast enough then you become the Minotaur.”

  “And what? End up killing myself?” I asked.

  “Hmmm,” Mgurn mused. “That is something to think about.”

  “Yeah, it is,” I said and leaned back. “Not to mention there’s the whole labyrinth thing. Where does that come into play? Are there any systems that have ancient labyrinths where adventurers can go and fulfill quests? If there are, I haven’t heard of them.”

  “You hadn’t heard of the Minotaur, so not surprising that you haven’t heard of a system with a labyrinth,” Mgurn said. “Perhaps we should ask the SMC AI for help with this?”

  “Perhaps we should,” I replied and cleared my throat. “AI?”

  “Yes, Salvage Merc One,” an androgynous voice responded from the speakers set into the ceiling. “How may I be of assistance?”

  “Do you know the story of the Minotaur?” I asked.

  “Of course,” the AI replied. “I know every ancient legend and myth from every planet, race, and species, in the entire galaxy. Would you like me to tell you the story?”

  “No, Mgurn already did,” I said. “I’m up to date on Thesaurus and all that.”

  “Thesaurus?” the AI replied. “I am afraid that is not the correct name of—”

  “Whatever,” I said and waved my hand. “What I need to know is which system has a labyrinth that may have been used to hide a bull man or possibly a Naked Snake Lady. Can you do a search for me?”

  There was a long pause.

  “I’m sorry, but you want to search for what?” the AI replied. “A naked snake lady and bull man?”

  “Not specifically, no,” I said. “I want to search for a labyrinth where they may be hanging out. More importantly, where the Naked Snake Lady is hanging out. I guess I am the Minotaur bull man guy in this, so I’m hanging out right here.”

  Another long pause. I could have sworn I heard a sigh and a muttered curse. I get that a lot.

  “I will need more data to go on,” the AI said. “Construction of labyrinths has been done by many races on many planets throughout the galaxy for eons. With just a cursory search, I have found no less than sixty-two million labyrinths in the Maze & Puzzle Guide’s directory.”

  “Did you say Maze & Puzzle Guide?” I asked.

  “Yes,” the AI said. “That is the official registry of labyrinths. I have checked them all, and if you are comparing to the labyrinth of ancient Greek myth, then none of them match. There has not been a sacrifice to a labyrinth, or one of their cursed denizens, since before humans attained space travel.”

  “That’s a long time,” Mgurn said, nodding his head like his comment actually contributed anything to the conversation.

  He was getting on my nerves. I could have totally gored him with my horns. But I didn’t have horns. And that was a bad thought. I shook my head and took a deep breath.

  “What would you need to narrow it all down?” I asked.

  “Some description of the labyrinth would be helpful,” the AI said. “Perhaps landmarks or structures. Any additional information you have would be of great benefit.”

  “The Bosses seemed to know which one it is,” I said. “There’s this massive iron door set into a mountain. I guess the woman that was supposed to become Boss Five—”

  “Boss Four,” Mgurn corrected.

  “Boss I don’t give a fo,” I snapped. “Anyway, that chick was supposed to become a Boss and things went bad. She’s now cursed as the Naked Snake Lady and I have to g
o help her. Where is the giant iron door located?”

  “That is classified,” the AI replied instantly.

  “I’m Salvage Merc One,” I said. “Nothing is classified to me.”

  “This is,” the AI said, sounding a little snotty about it. “The Bosses have locked down all information on your naked snake lady and the giant iron door. There is a holo vid attached to the notice. Would you like to view it?”

  “I’d love nothing more,” I said.

  “Is it a long holo vid?” Mgurn asked. “My mold is running through me, and I need to use the restroom.”

  “It is short,” the AI said.

  “Okay,” Mgurn replied.

  “Play it,” I said.

  The holo vid flickered to life in front of us, and it was an image of Boss Three standing there, wringing his hands over and over. He looked directly at me then off the vid at someone else.

  “What?” he asked. “I know! That’s what I’m doing! Hey! Tell Boss One to keep his hands off my chips! I’m still eating those! What? It’s recording? Son of a gump.”

  He cleared his throat and straightened up.

  “Salvage Merc One,” he said. “Joe. We are sorry you have to go through this. We know you have many, many questions. Unfortunately, part of your quest is to find the answers yourself. Without the struggle for knowledge, your transformation will happen. The journey is as important as the arrival.”

  There was a voice from off holo and Boss Three shook his head. His face scrunched up, and he tried not to look angry, but failed at it miserably.

  “That is not from a motivational poster!” he snapped at the off-holo voice. “Do you want to do this? Do you? No? Then shut the fo up, okay? Sheezus.”

  “This isn’t helping,” I said.

  “Be patient,” Mgurn responded.

  “Tell me to be patient again, and I’ll patiently jam my foot up your vent,” I said.

  “The AI can help you with your search only in the most rudimentary way,” Boss Three continued. “Supply it with information, and it will analyze that information. That is all it will do. You will have to decide what the results of that analysis mean. Good luck.”

  He stood there for a while then relaxed and scratched at his nose.

  “You think he’ll buy it?” he asked as he walked away and the holo blinked out.