Love and Lists

by Tara Sivec

  Shit! I don’t want him to think I’m offended!

  “I totally didn’t mean to do that. I’m going to stick my hand down your pants now,” I warned him.

  “Oh my God,” he mumbled as I cut him off with my lips and slid my hand inside his boxer briefs.

  Oh fuck. I’m touching his penis. My hand is on his penis. I was so excited I didn’t even realize how hard I was squeezing his penis. And thinking about it just makes me squeeze it even harder.

  “Ouch!” Gavin winced and pulled away from my mouth.

  Instead of letting up, I jerked in surprise when he shouted, bringing his penis with me. So basically, I was choking the life out of this thing and trying to detach it from his body. WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING?!

  “It’s okay. It’s fine. Just be careful,” Gavin said before pulling me back to him and kissing me.

  Be careful. I can do this. Just pretend it’s a cat. Nice kitty. Nice, soft kitty.

  Gavin pulled away again and I growled in frustration. I wanted his lips on me and he kept moving them.

  “You’re petting my penis,” he stated.

  Well, I WAS until you stopped me. QUIT IT!

  “Stop talking,” I told him.

  I couldn’t think when he talked. The sound of his voice made me feel all warm and gooey, and I wanted to do this right. I wanted him to feel good and maybe realize that by touching his penis, I love him.

  Picturing every porn I’ve seen in my mind, except that weird one that Aunt Jenny showed me with people dressed up as Smurfs, I wrapped my hand around him and started moving it up and down slowly. Gavin groaned and closed his eyes, letting his head fall back against the wall.

  I realized that we were wedged between the fridge and the counter, and it wasn’t the most ideal location to be doing this, but I didn’t care. This is happening right the fuck now.

  Leaning forward, I placed my lips on his neck and let my tongue taste his skin. He groaned again and I picked up the pace with my hand, moving it up and down his smooth shaft.

  I wondered if that slut Brooklyn really did all the things she said she did with him? I wanted to cut that whore for ever laying a finger on my Gavin. I didn’t realize I was channeling my anger to Gavin’s penis until he whimpered in pain. Dammit. Focus, Charlotte! There are better ways to mark your territory than by dismembering the man you love. Securing my lips to his neck once again, I nibbled and bit his skin before sucking it into my mouth.

  There, take that, you skanky piece of trash! He’s mine!

  “Oh shit, Charlotte. Slow down,” Gavin begged, wrapping one of his hands around my wrist and sliding the other into the edge of my jeans by my hip.

  I ignored his warning and moved my hand harder and faster, up and down his length. He tried to hold my wrist tighter to get me to slow down, but I wasn’t having any of that. His hips thrusted into my hand, and it was the hottest thing I ever felt.

  I am NOT stopping.

  “Charlotte … Jesus … .I’m gonna … oh holy shit fuck …”

  I felt his fingers graze the skin of my hip, and I wanted more than anything for him to just dive right in like I did with him. I wanted him to touch me, but I was pretty sure he was beyond rational thought right now. His fingers tangled into the fabric of my thong resting on my hip, and he clutched it so tightly the fabric ripped.

  He’s going to come! I’m totally making him come! This is the best day ever!

  “Okay, so aside from the fact that you pet his dick like a cat, I don’t see what the problem is,” Rocco says when I pause with my story. “You might be surprised to know that I’ve had my dick pulled by a few of the ladies back in the day. You’re not the only one who has no idea how to use one of those things. At least you got the hang of it.”

  “Sure, I got into a nice rhythm and he finished pretty fast. That was awesome. But in porn, they don’t tell you what to do when it’s all over. The scene just ends and there’s no cleanup involved,” I complain.

  Rocco stares at me for a few minutes and then the light bulb comes on and his eyes widen.

  “Oh dear God. What did you do with the jizz in your hand? Charlotte! What did you do with the jizz?!”

  Biting my lip and squeezing my eyes closed so I don’t have to see Rocco’s face, I blurt it out quickly.

  “I pulled my hand out of his pants and then sort of whipped my hand in his general direction to get it off. Then I just turned and walked out of his apartment.”

  Opening my eyes, I see Rocco with his hand over his mouth trying to contain his laughter.

  “Oh no you didn’t. Oh, Charlotte. You Spidermanned the one you love.”

  “Ava, are you home?” I shout into my parents’ house as I walk through the front door.

  Moving into the living room, I see a flash of naked, white ass streaking down the hall to the guest bathroom and Ava rearranging her skirt on the couch. Not one piece of her long, dark brown hair is out of place, and she looks like she just stepped off the pages of a fashion magazine. Her make-up is flawless and her blue skirt and matching tank top are perfectly pressed. Not at all what someone should look like who was just doing what I KNOW she was doing.

  “Oh my God. Ava! Were you having sex on mom and dad’s couch? That’s disgusting. I sit on that couch,” I complain.

  She rolls her eyes. “Fuck off, twat. I laid a blanket down.”

  Glancing underneath her, I see the blanket in question.

  “Son of a bitch! That’s the comforter from my bed!” I yell with a stomp of my foot.

  “Ooooh, the older sister. This is like a porn dream come true. Can I be on the bottom?”

  My head whips around to the door of the hallway and I see Tyler standing there buttoning his shirt.

  “Oh my God. I’m going to have to burn that blanket now. And the couch.”

  Tyler finishes with his shirt and walks over to the couch, plopping down next to Ava and throwing his arm over her shoulder.

  “Don’t worry, Charlotte, I only got a little Tyler juice on your blanket. It’s all good.”

  Ava shoves Tyler away from her and gets up from the couch. “I’m finished with you. You can leave now.”

  Tyler pouts and stares up at her. “Babe, that wounds me. I’m delicate after my run-in with Claire the other day. Be gentle.”

  Ava rolls her eyes and walks over to the door, opening it up and pointing outside. “Aunt Claire made you wash her kitchen floor with a toothbrush and mow the lawn with a pair of scissors. Go away or I’ll make you gargle toilet water.”

  Tyler stands up and saunters over to her. “Ooooh, kinky. I like that. Until next time. Unless you gave me the clap. In that case, call first.”

  Tyler whistles as he walks out the door and Ava slams it shut behind him.

  “I cannot believe you had sex with that thing,” I tell her as she comes back into the living room.

  “You should be thanking me right now, you whore. I took one for the team to see if I could get any information on Gavin after you threw a web of spooge on his shirt,” she complains.

  “God dammit! Will you stop bringing that up!”

  Ava shrugs, gathers up the blanket, and throws it behind the couch before taking a seat. “I’m sorry, but that’s some funny shit. You threw sperm at him. You’re like the creepy guy in Silence of the Lambs, throwing goo through the jail cell bars. At least you didn’t hit him in the face with it.”

  I should have never trusted Ava with this information. She’s my sister and I love her, but she never lets shit go. She still brings up every single time I’ve ever tattled on her when we were growing up in casual conversation. She’s got the memory of an elephant and can tell everyone who asks the exact date, time, and outfit we were both wearing when I told Mom that she drew a picture of a penis in crayon on the back of my bedroom door when she was twelve.

  “Since you decided to be a slut for the cause, tell me you at least got some information out of Tyler,” I beg, taking a seat next to her.

  “Tyler shouts
the names of My Little Ponies when he comes. And he makes horse noises with his lips when he’s going down on me.”

  My mouth opens and I gag.

  “I know. It’s weird. But it was kind of hot. If you ever tell anyone I said that I will smother you in your sleep,” she warns.

  “Can we get back to more pressing matters please? What did he say about Gavin?”

  Ava sighs and leans back into the couch. “He didn’t say much. That boy is loyal; I’ll give him that. Every time I asked him about Gavin he would just say, ‘Well, what does Charlotte think?’ It was annoying. I even tried asking him when his penis was in my mouth, figuring it would distract him.”

  Eeew, I really don’t want to picture Tyler’s penis in ANYONE’S mouth, especially my sister’s. He’s a good-looking guy I guess. Around six feet tall with surfer blonde hair and blue eyes, but as soon as he opens his mouth it ruins everything.

  “How do you talk with a penis in your mouth?” I question.

  “It takes some practice. You have to know how to roll your r’s and really enunciate. I’m pretty good, but he still thought when I asked if Gavin liked you I said, ‘Muff diving dike harlot.’ He thought I was telling him I’m a slutty lesbian. It took me fifteen minutes to get him to focus after that.”

  Fuck! How in the hell am I going to find out how Gavin feels about what happened between us? Tyler was my last hope.

  “I have a great idea. How about you find some balls and just tell Gavin how you really feel?” Ava suggests with a glare at me.

  “Yeah, because that would go over really well. ‘Oh hey, Gavin. So, I know we grew up together and we’ve been best friends since we were little. We usually tell each other everything but here’s something new. Every time I’m around you I want to climb your face like a tree. Oh and you know how all my friends dared me to kiss you at the bar last week? Yeah, totally false. I just made that up because I’ve been dying to stick my tongue down your throat since I was twelve. No, please, stop laughing so hard. I’m serious.’”

  I end my tirade and stare back at Ava.

  “Yeah, that’s probably pretty accurate. Okay, so what’s left on Rocco’s list?” she asks.

  I heave out a sigh and throw my head back against the couch. “Dress up like a slutty school girl, get a flat tire and call him for help, take him to a sporting event and pretend like I know what’s going on, and take naked pictures of him. But obviously that suggestion was for Rocco’s benefit.”

  Ava shakes her head sadly at me. “Rocco isn’t going to be able to keep his gayness contained for much longer. Did you know he called Dad the other day and asked him if he wanted to go to a game? Dad thought maybe he’d misjudged him and felt bad. Then Rocco told him the game was drag queen bingo. I think Dad put a hit out on him.”

  I hear the front door open and a few seconds later my mom walks into the living room.

  “Why does it smell like sex in here? Ava, shouldn’t you be at work?” she asks with her hands on her hips.

  “I’m on my lunch break,” Ava says casually.

  Mom looks at her watch. “It’s four o’clock.”

  “Snack break?” Ava replies with a shrug.

  “AVA!”

  “Um, I’m sick,” she says, adding in a cough for good measure.

  “I swear to Christ if you left work to come home and have sex in my house, I will stop paying your cell phone bill,” Mom threatens.

  “Oooooh, not the cell phone bill!” I reply in mock seriousness. “Careful, Ava. Mom’s got her stern face on.”

  Ava and I both giggle while Mom stands there tapping her foot angrily.

  “You two are both adults, so I have no problem saying this to you right now. You’re a bunch of dicks.”

  “Mom, you said that to us when we were eight,” I remind her.

  “Well, now I really mean it. Charlotte, how’s the job search coming along?” she asks as she takes her shoes off and moves into the room to sit in the chair across from us.

  “Lousy. No one is hiring,” I complain.

  “You know you can always come and work for Seduction and Snacks,” she reminds me.

  My mom has been asking me to work for her ever since I was old enough to know what sex toys were. A part of me would love to go into the family business. I love my family and it would be awesome to work with them. The only thing holding me back right now is Gavin. It’s bad enough that our families are close and we see each other a lot. If whatever this is between us completely implodes, not only would I have to see him at family get-togethers, I’d have to work side-by-side with him every day. What if he marries Brooklyn and I have to watch her coming into the office every day for a quickie? I can’t work under those conditions. It would be best if I just find a job elsewhere.

  “Mom, I can’t work at Seduction and Snacks,” I tell her.

  “Why? What’s so bad about working there? Do you have vibrator anxiety? I thought we went over this on your eighteenth birthday when I bought you that starter kit,” Mom says with concern in her voice.

  Both an upside AND a downside to having a mother who owns a sex toy store: she always wants to talk to you about sex and buys you vibrators for every holiday. And usually whips them out at the dinner table when you have guests over.

  “Mom, I am not afraid of vibrators. If I’m not mistaken, you used to put a vibrator under my crib mattress to get me to sleep when I was a baby. You’re lucky I don’t turn narcoleptic every time I hear one buzzing.”

  “Well, if that’s not the problem, what is? Seduction and Snacks is a very good company to work for. There are so many options for you to choose from with a degree in Communications,” she tells me.

  “I think you should be more concerned with the fact that you and Dad forked over ninety-thousand dollars in tuition for this fuckernutter to get a degree in talking when she can’t even manage to say three little words to a certain someone.” Ava crosses her arms over her chest and looks at me smugly.

  “AVA!”

  “WHAT?!” Mom and I both shout at the same time.

  “Oh for fuck’s sake, Charlotte. This is getting annoying. Mom, Charlotte is in love with Gavin,” Ava states, crossing her arms in front of her.

  “WHAT?!” Mom shouts again, looking back and forth between us with wide eyes.

  “I am going to reach down your throat and rip out your ovaries, you fat cow!” I yell at her.

  “Oh, I’m sorry, was that a secret?” Ava asks me, batting her eyelashes.

  “AVA HAD SEX WITH TYLER!” I scream, pointing my finger at her.

  “WHAT?!”

  Either Mom’s head is about to explode or she’s having a stroke and can only speak one word. Whatever it is, I’m not about to let Ava win this shit. I’m small, but I’m scrappy. Even when we were little and she would get pissed at me and pull my hair, I always finished the fights and had her screaming for mom within seconds.

  “You fucking HAG!” Ava screams at me. “Charlotte tried to give Gavin a pearl necklace!”

  “Ava likes it when Tyler shouts My Little Pony names instead of hers!”

  Before I can come up with another insult, Ava launches herself at me and grabs onto my hair. She yanks it hard and I scream in pain, reaching my own hand up and clutching onto a chunk of her dark brown locks. We’re smacking, pulling, biting, screaming, and kicking for only a few seconds before Mom dives on top of us, trying to pull us apart.

  “GIRLS! That’s enough!” she yells, grabbing onto both of our arms as they flail all around, trying to gain purchase.

  “Hey, sweet thing, I think I dropped my wallet under the-”

  All three of us immediately stop screaming and fighting and turn our heads to the door as Tyler stands there with his bottom lip quivering.

  “Mom AND daughters … I never thought this day would come. God does exist.”

  “Seriously, Charlotte. You need to watch this. It’s goats screaming like humans,” Molly tells me in a fit of giggles as she stares at her iPhone.
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br />   Molly is nineteen and the youngest out of the three of us girls. Where Ava and I take after our dad with dark hair and dark eyes, Molly is the spitting image of my mom with her long blonde hair and spitfire personality.

  “I don’t have time for that shit right now, Molls. I need a sharp object that will poke a hole in a tire,” I tell her distractedly as I look through all of the cupboards in the kitchen.

  After our catfight a few days ago, Ava and I called a truce and she suggested I go with the whole flat tire item on the list next. Guys like a damsel in distress. Rocco assured me that it would be a good way to make Gavin feel like a man. He’s under the impression that Gavin is probably more embarrassed about what happened last week than I am. I find that hard to believe, but whatever. He hasn’t called or sent me a text since it happened and it’s freaking me out.

  “No, really. Come here and watch this. It’s a Taylor Swift video and during the chorus, goats scream. Oh my God, this is the best thing I’ve ever seen,” Molly says in between hysterical laughter.

  Opening the silverware drawer, I pull out the largest butcher knife I can find.

  “Jesus, put the knife away. I’ll stop playing goat screaming videos,” Molly says in a panic as she comes up behind me, staring nervously at the knife in my hand.

  Rolling my eyes at her, I close the drawer with my hip and grab my purse off of the counter.

  “I swear to God you never listen to anything that goes on in this house.”

  Molly follows behind me as I make my way to the front door.

  “Oh, I heard all about you trying to beat the shit out of Ava. Why do I miss all of the good stuff?” Molly complains.

  “Because you’re in school. Or you’re supposed to be. Why aren’t you at school right now?”

  Molly is five years younger than me and from an early age, she loved helping Aunt Claire out in the kitchen. Right now she’s in school full-time earning her degree in Culinary Arts so she can be a pastry chef for one of Aunt Claire’s stores.