Fangs Rule

by Amy Mah

  1. They have a very short shelf life - and life in general - so you could only have a short-lived fling.

  2. Your parents will only complain about you taking food up to your bedroom

  3. No matter how much black you wear, if you tell a boy you sleep in an underground vault in the local crypt then you can get some very strange looks.

  4. Turning a human boyfriend only leads to trouble as he will get permanently attached to you. It may sound nice to be called Mistress at first but believe me, the novelty wears off after 50 years. Then when you try to dump him you just end up with an undead stalker.

  HUNTING

  Try and kill only as much as you can eat - sometimes your eyes are bigger than your tummy and you end up with a pile of bodies and no appetite. If that happens, try not to be lazy, and just drag a few of the corpses to one of the local blood banks. They always need fresh supplies, and you never know when you might need to stock up.

  You do not have to have expensive clothing like the 'Hunter' when going out for a quick snack. You can just wear your normal clothes, and then you can take the prey by surprise. While it is looking at your legs or looking down your top you can be getting out a packet of tissues to clean yourself up afterwards.

  It is very eye catching and visually pleasing for watchers to your hunting, if you wear a light flowing dress. This is always fashionable due to the fact that it rises into the air when you spin around, giving the prey and viewers a nice flash of leg. But no matter how proud you are of your family brand, in these circumstances the best thing to wear underneath is a tight fitting pair of black cycle shorts - see the movie 'Blood the last Vampire' where you can see 'Saya' leap, spin, somersault and kill without any worry of showing off her brand to strangers.

  HUNTER

  The Hunter is a set of clothing designed for going out at night for a meal. It's very strong and hard-wearing, as some of the meals object to being eaten.

  Mine is made of black padded leather, under which I wear a padded bra. No, it's not to make my boobs bigger (shut up!) but to stop the metal Helsing breastplate cutting into my breasts. Believe me, having armour cutting into your delicate parts is more painful than when joggers forget to wear a sports bra.

  a

  HYPNOTISM

  The humans believe we can hypnotise them by just looking at them, whereas we know it's not that easy.

  The truth is, we have vocal cords that can vibrate at low or high frequencies beyond the range of human hearing. Because they don't hear anything, they think we can control them by the eyes, whereas it's actually the voice.

  The older you get the more powerful it is. So types of use for your voice:

  Purring

  Used when happy and to put others at ease, Females nearly always use it on children, when making friends, sleeping with friends, or when curled up cuddling a boyfriend.

  Singing

  Used by both Males and Females, hiding the relaxing tones in a song or lullaby will put a child to sleep or relax adults.

  Command

  Voice control is used by Alpha Males. The controlling frequency is produced at the same time as the words spoken, and it works on young Males, Females, and animals including humans. It's hard to explain how it works as it will not relax you like the purring or singing, but if delivered with force from an old and powerful Alpha it does two things:

  1. You do what ever you are told to do without thinking.

  2. Makes you wish you had a change of underwear with you.

  The most powerful Vampire I know is ICE’s Dad.

  I

  IMAGE (no) by mirror or film:

  This is just plain wrong. How do you think we put make up on?

  IMMORTALITY

  Are we Immortal? No, just long lived. Even the turnlings only last a few hundred years. The main reason for this misunderstanding is that we don't normally die of natural causes, unless getting a stake in the heart can be called a natural cause of death for a Vampire. We tend to get killed by accident, by angry humans, by other Vampires, through carelessness, and occasionally suicide (upsetting a Vampire bigger and stronger than you are can be considered a form of suicide!)

  INNER VAMP

  Some Vampires, when in blood lust, can tune into a previous incarnation. They can then make use of skills gained in the past. It may sound cool to have extra help in a fight but it's the mental equivalent of sleeping with someone who eats biscuits in bed.

  INVITED IN

  Another human idea is that we can not enter a person's home unless we are invited in. I guess this is partly true as it would be rude to enter anyone's home uninvited, but as to not being able to, …er …… why? …. Yes, I know this is yet another daft human idea, but then we have all seen doors with stupid humans signs on them saying "This Door Is Alarmed" - when it's a dead piece of wood, and if it was still live and growing I shouldn't think it would care or be frightened by passers-by. Humans are stupid. In my view, a human house is just a food store cupboard, next you will be saying we have to ask permission before un-wrapping a bar of Chocolate!

  u

  IN WORDS and OUT WORDS

  Yes, this is yet another problem caused by human teenagers who change in-words to out-words in a few weeks. Vampires are long lived and so believe that them doing this to us is species-ist and they all need a good biting to stop them.

  When I was at a human high school I picked up all the current words of the day and I do not think it is cool to try and force me to change them now. My Uncle still talks about Flappers and things being hip - keeping up-to-date with slang is just always going to be a problem for a long-lived species. If any human points out that you're out of date with what you say, just smile then claw them to death for being rude and species-ist.

  J

  JAWS

  You will have very powerful jaws, and so you should as this gives you the ability to hold onto prey by your teeth while your claws are ripping them apart ……

  Eating out at night can be messy, but it's so much fun when your meal helps to give you an appetite by fighting back.

  K

  KISSING

  The rule is that no matter how good the kiss is, you must try hard to keep the fangs hidden. Just settle for kissing without tongues until you are sure you will not remove his lips with a loving bite. Remember that it is normal to turn the head slightly when you kiss. Nine times out of ten it will be to the right, which of course means that the first time you kiss a boy he'll be the 1 out of 10 sort, and you'll knock noses. And yes, also make sure your lips are moist (lick them) and without too many accidental bite marks.

  Turning your head slightly to the right when kissing also means it is easy to move down to the boy's neck and take a loving bite. As I have said before, a girl can bite a boy on the first date - just don't let him bite back.

  KILLING

  Not much to say about killing. If it's good to eat then it's fine to kill it, why else would it exist? As my Aunt always says: "If humans didn't want to be eaten, then they shouldn't taste so good" - and you can't argue with logic like that.

  L

  LOVE (see SEX)

  OK, well, we all know love in different ways. It's not just the love of the hunt or the love of the kill, but that romantic kind that makes your heart beat a little faster. Like when a Male lets you eat first from the prey he has just killed, or lets you bite him because you're hungry, or doesn't mind when you rub yourself all over him to mark him with your scent and warn off other Females.

  M

  MAGIC RINGS

  Toys for boys - pet rings vibrate when the master summons a pet to him, they can't be removed by the pet and mark her owner so other Males don't try to borrow her.

  MAGIC MODESTY PENDENTS

  These are made from old pet rings, and will electrocute anyone trying to take it off the owner. They can be used as a kind of pager between friends.

  Alpha Girls wear them as the pendant shows their rank and household, and stops Males (a.k.a. Perverts) as
king them to raise a nightdress to show the family brand and prove their position in the Nest (see SLAPPING).

  MARTIAL ARTS AND KUNG FU

  As Vampires we are not born with these as these as natural gifts. Humans mistakenly think that just because we can climb walls and hang off ceilings, or leap long distances like they do in the Chinese films, that we can also break a pile of bricks with our head. Well, like a human, these things are possible but without training it will still hurt like heck and give you a very nasty headache!

  MONEY and INVESTMENTS

  As girls we get given an allowance, which a lot of us use for gambling on tournaments, along with a NestCard for shopping... but what to do when you leave the Nest? Money and investments were not a worry to a Female in the past, as it was normal to take money from your meal's wallet while you were dining off him.

  Nowadays it is not so easy, as more and more humans live off plastic called credit cards (similar to our NestCard), so here is what a smart Vampire does:

  First you kill someone and take their identity, being very careful to keep paying taxes to the appropriate government. You can then use that identity to make long-term investments. Don't forget to make sure you've always got a new, younger identity set up to inherit everything when you finally need to kill them off - you don't want to risk being found out if your fake person lives too long! It may take you three or four human generations to build up a good portfolio, but it is worth it. Yes, I know Mom and Dad say they will always keep you but after 100 - 150 years they will begin to start giving you hints about getting a job!

  MOVIES

  Movies on Vampires are normally very funny, and all Vampires should try and watch them. The humans have not noticed that the laughing and shouts of HE'S BEHIND YOU coming from the back of a cinema is from a group of Vampires enjoying a good Vampire film. Besides the comedy value, it's always worth keeping up with the silly ideas the humans have come up with.

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  NAMES

  As a Vampire you will have a very long and fancy name of Lady this or Mistress that, so it is now very common with younger Vampires to go by short nicknames. If your name is 'Lady Crimson Mortisha Blooddrainer D'Eath of the house of the Sucking Fangs' you could be known to friends as 'Red.' Only adults use the boring long titles, and they have to have business cards the size of posters or rolled up like a toilet roll.

  g

  Good nicknames can be almost anything, and the shorter and cuter the better - like Cyndy, Mindy, Sandy, Randy and the like.

  Bad nicknames such as Buffy and Blade are just asking for trouble, you may as well have a tattoo saying I love Van Helsing. And as for Vlad as a nickname, well, it's like calling yourself Dracula - it's corny and people will laugh. If you're unlucky enough that it's your actual name, just pick another one.

  NEST

  Home! Underground living is best - forget about living in a castle with hundreds of windows, forcing you to spend the days in the cellar. You just end up expanding and expanding the cellars until someone says "lets sell the castle and build downwards."

  NEST RULES

  There are lots and lots of rules, all designed to make us so intent on following them that we forget the urge to kill any other Vampire on sight.

  First offence punishments for breaking the rules can be anything from being sent to bed early to having your fangs removed with a hammer.

  NIGHTGLASS

  The name refers to a special type of glass which stops a wide range of dangerous radiations such as UV. It is very expensive, and so only the richest and most powerful Vampires have it fitted to cars and office windows. The result is that you can have meetings or drive around in what looks like daylight, without the harmful side effects.

  O

  OBEDIENT

  What all good girls are to their wonderful god given Male masters (as if) But we have to pretend sometimes...

  It is also a good idea to smile and try to look cute,

  Warning: this this only works on males.

  My Uncle is my Lord and (cough cough) master as he is head of the Pink Bat family,

  But he is like butter when I smile and look cute hehehehe

  P

  PARENTS

  Parents are a problem to any teenager. No matter what they say about understanding you as they were once teenagers themselves (yeah … like, 300 years ago!), forget it, they don't!

  PRAETORIAN GUARD

  These are the Males which protect the Nest and the Council. They are all very good fighters, and joining the Guard is a good way of advancement within our society. The title of Praetorian Guard is very much respected.

  Personally I find them to be big, thick, and rude... and almost impossible to kill. I know as I once tried, and still have the bruises.

  PETS (the name given to any humans which work for us)

  Pets are our day staff and can have a variety of jobs, doing anything like running Vampire businesses or helping out around the Nest. The day to day control of the blood banks is done by Pets, and they also give generously to the blood banks.

  The other kind of Pets are kind of Vampire groupies - normally high school girls who think it's cool to wear black make up and go out with a Vampire with the hope that they will be turned into a Vampire in exchange for favors offered (that's code for sex). See TURNING.

  They like wearing black and hanging about in graveyards at night, watching lots of Vampire films, and wearing plastic fangs. When they do get turned, it's almost never what they expected.

  PETS (the real animal sort)

  There are several animals that we have turned, the most popular being the cat. Originally we turned cats to get rid of the rats in the Nest, and now we just keep them as pets. Personally I have Tarquin, who is a loving little fellow that could fight a grisly bear and win. He is so, so cute and really loves me, it is so funny to watch him attack passing Males daring to come within a few metres of him. Tarquin and my uncle have a hate - hate relationship.

  T

  PHEROMONES (see SCENT)

  On to another personal issue, 'pheromones.' Nature has had its joke with our species, giving us a good sense of smell and at the same time making us rather smelly.

  Forget about cutting your hair short, wearing ill filling clothes and farting. It's no good pretending to be a boy like they do in the movies, it will be the same as if you were walking about topless. Everyone will always know you're a girl because you smell like one.

  Yes, I know it's very personal, but no matter how much we wash we smell as we leak pheromones from all over the body. Seriously, all over! This is why females bathe a lot but still want to kill other Females upon sight... or should I say smell.

  Turnlings smell of dead meat - a pleasant smell, but not one that makes a girl go weak at the knees for a date.

  Humans can smell different depending upon diet and race; generally it is mostly sweat, sour milk, and deodorant. When a Vampire says lets go out for Mexican it's not that the mix of Spanish and native Indian is anything special, but the diet they have gives a nice spicy kick to the blood.

  Males smell musky. It's a hard smell to describe, stating they are male and have a few extra bits we don't. The best way I can describe the smell as is that of chocolate when you're feeling hungry. Males when they get horny can either smell like a bunch of flowers and a large box of chocolates, or like a rancid male baboon, depending upon the mood the girl is in. I think that's normal with all creatures, though, not just Vampires.

  As Females we do of course smell good to Males, and as Males also have a good sense of smell they say they are almost physically hit with a hammer when we start to come on heat. Males tell me that once they knew of the dangers of Females in heat they would start to take precautions like cold showers and long runs in the woods, occasionally shouting as they go, "Please help me, I'm too young to get married yet!"

  PREGNANCY (see SEX, HEAT)

  Just like all normal animals (not like the abnormal humans) we can only get pregnant when on heat.
Being such a long-lived species it is often many years between episodes of coming on heat, but any sex when on heat will give you a 100 percent outcome of pregnancy. It is said that just walking within 10 feet of a Male when you're on heat can make you pregnant, but I expect the reason for this is that if Male is within 10 feet of a female on heat then she would be able to have his pants off before he had chance to say hello.

  PRIVACY

  Something that does not exist in the Vampire world of Nest living. As my Aunt always says, privacy for a teenage girl is simply not allowed. This is usually followed by knowing comments like: if a girl is doing anything that she didn't want others to see, then she shouldn't be doing it!

  Q

  QUAFF

  To drink blood too fast, leading to hiccups and stained clothing.