Heart Stronger

by Rachel Blaufeld

  Smitty ran to nudge Aiken’s hand into petting him, tail wagging, acting like I hadn’t paid him any mind.

  “Hey,” I said, peeking out from the cabinet, taking in his tight running pants and formfitting shirt. With nothing left to the imagination, my heart and brain did flip-flops thinking of the scenarios. “I was just going to pour myself some wine.”

  “Oh good, let’s go for a run and then come back and have dinner and a drink. I’ve been cooped up all day.”

  “God, can’t a weary lady stick her feet up with a glass of wine?”

  The words clogged in my throat even as they made their way out.

  Wasn’t that what I’d said before Abby died?

  “Claire, you okay?” I turned to find Aiken by my side, his palm lightly gripping my arm. “Where’d you go there?”

  I shook my head, but he was faster, cupping my face between his palms, turning me to face him, putting my emotion on full display.

  “Don’t do that. Don’t clam up.”

  “It’s just…that’s what I was thinking when I dropped Abby at the concert with her friends. We’d made a choice to let them go on their own. All the other moms were busy with their other kids or their husbands, but I didn’t have anyone else to be busy with. What if I’d gone? I could’ve sat somewhere separately, keeping an eye on them from afar. But, no. I wanted to drink wine, take a bath. I’m right back to where I started. A few months with you, and I want to sit around and drink wine like my life depends on it.” Tears fell from my eyes, and I felt Aiken wipe them away with his thumbs.

  “Claire, it’s okay to want to drink wine. It’s okay to live your life.”

  “Well, I wanted to drink wine rather than go on a run with you. What if something happened to you? And I wasn’t there because I was drinking wine?”

  He pushed my hair off my wet face. “Darling Claire, first of all, I’m a big boy, all grown up. I don’t need a chaperone when running. That’s not what this is…you taking care of me, chaperoning me. I’m not a kid. Not your kid. I’m your lover. Do you understand that?”

  Slipping from his grasp, I said, “Don’t make this about you. This is about me. I’m not a fool. I know you’re not my kid.”

  Did I?

  “This is about me sloughing off shit for wine drinking,” I continued to explain, amending my feelings while leaning against the counter, the edge biting into my back. Welcoming the pain, I fumbled with my hands and words.

  “How about this? Why don’t we sit together and have wine? Forget the run. Later, we can take Smitty for a walk or something.”

  “You don’t have to do that. Like you said, I’m not in charge of you. If you want to run, go run.” But he was already reaching up and grabbing two wineglasses, pulling them down, and uncorking a bottle of red. With the stems caught between his fingers, the goblets hanging upside down, the bottle under his arm, he said, “Come on, let’s go to my place, and I’ll light a fire.”

  “Aiken, this is crazy. You wanted to run. I’m getting whiplash from your change of plans.” In reality, my heart sped up at his demand to go next door, sacrificing his run. I’d thought he was mad, but to be honest, I didn’t know shit.

  “Let’s go, Smitty.” He opened the screen door and let my dog out. “Let’s go, Richards.”

  And just like that, I found myself curled up on Aiken’s leather couch, glass of wine in hand, my head leaning against his hard chest that rumbled with laughter. “No, you did not assign a paper due on Halloween to your poor students. Do you have no soul?”

  “I did. Why not? It’s just a regular day. They’re in college. It can’t mean that much.”

  “For starters, they’re going to be partying the whole weekend before.”

  “Not my problem.”

  He spun me around, making sure my glass didn’t topple. With his hand grasping my arm, he looked at me. “What’s the real reason behind this? And don’t say nothing.”

  “Halloween was the one time a year David always took Abby. His office had a big party for the holiday, and he wanted to act like the model dad, so he’d take Abby. She’d get her fill of candy and him, so she was happy to go. I came to resent the holiday, but I never let Abby know. Usually, I’d go to Mary’s and have a drink and watch her kids. But you have to understand, I was doing all the heavy lifting and raising our kid, day and night, by myself, and David was the one who got to enjoy her in a costume, sticky from candy. I always made a paper due around the holiday, so I could claim to have something to do on October thirty-first. Now, I keep the tradition, especially since I don’t go to Mary’s anymore. She doesn’t even ask.”

  His lips met mine. Spearmint mixed with Cabernet Sauvignon enticed my lips open. Happy for a reprieve from his potential rebuttal, I delved into the kiss. Then his lips were gone, my own immediately missing his.

  “We’re definitely making new traditions this year,” he said. “Tell your class they have an extension and mark yourself busy that night, Richards.”

  One week later, Aiken rang my doorbell, even though the door was unlocked.

  “Trick or treat,” he declared from behind a Batman mask. He was dressed all in black, complete with a cape flowing down his back.

  “I see you went all out.” His eyes grazed my black leggings tucked into black boots, before they made their trek back up to my short army-green jacket, aviator sunglasses hanging from the zipper.

  “I’m Goose from Top Gun. See?” I stuffed my hair into a Navy ball cap.

  “I can see it now…sort of. Come on, your alpha badass has plans for you.”

  “Now you’re an alpha badass?”

  “I’m Batman.”

  “Hmmm,” I murmured, shutting the door behind me, making sure all the lights were out, as they had been on Halloween for years. I hadn’t given out candy since David had lived here…

  Aiken interrupted my thoughts. “Tell me, what was Abby’s favorite candy?”

  “Twix when she was older, but when she was little, she loved M&M’s. She could sit for hours sorting them into piles of colors and eating them in rainbow order.”

  “She sounds like she was quite the perfectionist. Like someone else I know.”

  Our hands wove together as we settled in the cab of Aiken’s truck.

  “She did have a lot of my bad qualities, but one thing about Abby, she loved life.”

  “First of all, being a perfectionist is not always bad, and second of all, Richards, you love life too. You just have to forgive yourself for doing so.” Without his mask to drive, he gave me a quick glance and winked.

  “So, what’s the plan?” I changed the subject, desperate to get the night over.

  “You’ll see. I have to make a quick pit stop.” He pulled over in front of the drugstore. “You sit tight.”

  Tucked inside his truck, I watched Aiken round the front and run into the store, his cape billowing behind him, and I smiled.

  A few minutes later, he was back with a small bag that he tucked into the backseat before throwing the truck into drive.

  “Any clues? I am your co-pilot. The Goose to your Maverick.”

  “Nope. Should I blindfold you?”

  “No.” I laughed. “I’ll sit here like a good girl. Swear.” I held two fingers up.

  “Good Goose.”

  The sun began to set, and the sky turned hot pink. All around us, the leaves were burnt orange and yellow. From the outside looking in, it was a fairy tale…but I wasn’t sure my heart would allow itself to agree.

  Lost in the scenery, I didn’t realize where we were until we turned into the cemetery. “Aiken, I don’t think bringing me to a cemetery is the way to celebrate Halloween. This is where Abby’s buried. I don’t want to do this. I’m sure you thought it was fun or spooky or the theme of the evening or whatever, but I really don’t want to do this,” I repeated myself, stumbling over my words, my thoughts equally as jumbled.

  “I know, calm down. I would never think this was spooky or funny.” His hand ghosted ov
er mine. “Mary told me this is where Abby’s buried.”

  “Why?” I couldn’t help but blurt it out.

  “Because I asked. We’re going to spend a few minutes with her this Halloween.”

  He put the truck in park and pulled out the bag from the back. “I wanted to make sure and give her some of her favorite candy.”

  “Oh my.” My heart plunged into my stomach and dove back up, and then it did it again.

  Was this okay? Should we be doing this? Do I want to share this with him?

  “I don’t know what to say. I’m not sure I can do this.” Inhaling a large gulp of air, I coughed and sputtered, “Why do you want to do this with me?”

  Profile-to-profile, neither of us making eye contact, he said, “You’ll see. I need to do this as much as you. Trust me.”

  Aiken got out of the cab and came around to my door. Opening it, he leaned in and whispered close to my face, “I can’t bring Abby back. I sure wish I could. I would’ve loved to meet her, hear her, laugh with her. Sometimes, I can feel her energy through you, but I can’t change history. But what I can do is make some happy memories with her and you…now…in our own way. Come on.” He grasped my hand and helped me out of the truck.

  I pulled the aviators out of my jacket and placed them over my eyes. I was going to need them, even though it was dusk.

  “Do you know where you’re going?”

  “Yeah, Mary told me.”

  “What else did Mary tell you?”

  “That’s for me to know and you to find out.” He squeezed my hand once, twice, and then settled our fingers together.

  He held my hand tight and zigzagged over to Abby’s tombstone. There were a few vampire-clad teenagers in the corner of the cemetery with a six-pack. The girlish giggles wafting from their group only heightened my awareness of what we were about to do. Visit my dead daughter—who would’ve been about the age of the teens carousing. Otherwise, the place was all ours.

  Aiken knelt on the ground and took out a packet of M&M’s and a jumbo bag of mini Twix and set them on top of the grave, his hand firmly planted next to them on the granite. “Hey, Abby, I’m Aiken. Your mom’s told me all about you. I wish I could’ve met you. We would’ve been close, I know it. Your mom only tells me the good stuff, but I bet you and I would’ve had a little fun teasing your mom.”

  A tear fell from underneath my glasses and ran down my cheek as I stood over the man I was falling for, while he leaned on the ground in front of my dead daughter’s tombstone. It was an unparalleled experience—one there was no words for, at least ones that made sense.

  “Also, I heard you used to save all the Reese’s for your mom.” He pulled a king-size bag of Reese’s from the bag and turned to me.

  “Come here,” he beckoned, and I sleepwalked toward his legs.

  “Sit down.” And I did.

  He cracked open the package and held a Reese’s to my mouth. “Come on, it’s tradition.”

  My lips parted. The chocolate melted on my tongue, the salty peanut butter making me moan. “I love these,” I said with tears dripping down my cheeks. Wrung out on emotion, I was literally coming undone from a single bite of candy.

  “I love you.” He cradled me close, my tears falling onto his shirt, my hiccups coming faster.

  “Aiken.” It was a whisper and a roar.

  He was telling me he loved me in front of Abby’s grave.

  “Don’t Aiken me. Don’t say anything. Have another bite of candy, cry, laugh, just feel. I wanted her to be with us, so she can know someone loves her mom, wants to take care of her mom.”

  He leaned back and brought his candy-filled hand back to my lips.

  “Are you going to have some?”

  “That’s up to you. If you want this tradition to stay between you and Abby, I’m cool with that.”

  My head and heart ached equally for the man in front of me. The young man, wise and old beyond his chronological years, who innately understood my need for my dead daughter to be a part of our growing relationship.

  “She’d want you to have some.”

  After that, we sat there in silence, munching on Reese’s, the teenagers laughing and making howling noises in the background, until my tears dried up.

  “You tell me when you’re ready. We can stay as long as you like, but I have more planned.”

  “More?”

  “You know it, Richards.”

  I hope Mary didn’t tell him all my vices.

  Aiken

  Walking back to the car, she was quiet. Not sullen, but reflective, if I was forced to guess. I’d told her I loved her, and I meant it. With all the shit swirling around us and my mom’s ghost still looming, I wasn’t sure we could last forever. Damn, I wished we would or could. I knew I’d never forget this woman. No one else would ever compare.

  Her strength unrivaled, her passion untapped, her beauty endless.

  “Thank you for that.” She turned toward me when we reached the truck. On her tiptoes, she rubbed her nose against mine, then brushed her lips along mine.

  “I meant everything I said. I don’t want you to give up your memories or your house or anything else that’s precious because of Abby. I do want you to know you’re loved, and what happened with your ex will not happen with me,” I promised and hoped I could make it come true. I didn’t mention being at the cemetery before or seeing Abby’s grave. Something about that first meeting with Abby made this whole thing real to me. It was my memory to keep.

  “I’m not sure I’ve ever felt so much in one evening.”

  Me either.

  “My feelings have gone from one end of the spectrum to the other,” she admitted, and I knew it was hard for her.

  “I have the cure for that, Goose.”

  My lips ran over her forehead, planting a kiss on top of her head before I opened the door to the truck. “In you go.”

  “What’s next?” she asked when I settled in the driver’s seat.

  “I’m not going to tell, Richards.”

  I drove back toward town, through campus, and up toward the football stadium. The arena, quickly repaired after the explosion, loomed in the distance, but I turned well before it. As we pulled into the parking lot of the ice cream parlor, Claire mumbled, “Mary.”

  “Yes, Mary tells me this used to be your favorite place. I said you’ve never mentioned it to me.”

  “I haven’t been since Abby died. She loved it. We were supposed to come here the day after the explosion. I’d planned to take her to the pool and then here.”

  “Come on, then, let’s get some. We’ve already had candy. A little ice cream isn’t going to matter.”

  “How long have you and Mary been planning this intervention?”

  “Not an intervention, Claire. It’s my way of making sure you know your memories are important to me too. Plus, if you come in wearing a costume tonight, you get a free scoop.”

  “Did you know this stuff has so much fat, they can’t sell it in the grocery store?”

  “Even better. Come on.” I jumped out my side and ran around to open her door.

  She beat me to it, placing her aviators on top of the brim of her hat, marching toward the door.

  “What’s your poison?” I asked while we waited in line.

  “Chocolate peanut butter,” she said with a smirk.

  “I should’ve guessed that one. What did Abby like?”

  “Mint. That gross pink peppermint flavor. I couldn’t believe how much she loved it.”

  “Well, I’ll tell you after I try it.”

  Each of us holding a gigantic cone with a colorful scoop of ice cream on top, we walked outside. It was almost too cold to eat ice cream, but Claire tucked herself into my side and took a long lick of her ice cream.

  “Good?”

  She elbowed me in my rib cage with her free arm. “I see you thinking dirty thoughts. Let me eat my ice cream cone in peace.”

  “I wouldn’t dare.”

  “Want to take
a walk?”

  “Sure, you warm enough?”

  “Next to you, always. You’re like a walking, talking furnace.”

  “BYOH. Bring your own heater…which way?”

  “I haven’t come up here much since that night. I take the long way around, mostly.”

  “Do you want to walk past the arena?”

  “The university put up a memorial on the first anniversary, and Laurie comes every year on the date it happened. I don’t know what she does. I guess she sits there and wishes she’d arrived earlier, made the girls leave earlier. Who knows?”

  “You two both cope the best you can, I’m sure.”

  We’d made our way to the intersection in front of the arena. “That’s where I dropped them. They looked so cute.” Claire pointed to the walkway in front of the building. “Their small butts, swinging back and forth. That’s the last thing I remember seeing. Laurie and I tried to see Shelby and Olivia once. We wanted to see how much they’d grown. That they were happy. But their parents said no. Said it would be too painful for them.”

  I pulled Claire tight, careful not to crush her ice cream. “It’s been a long night, and I don’t want to end with us being sad. I know you care so much for everyone, but for one moment, I want to care for you. Let’s eat our ice cream and remember Abby’s butt swinging on her way to her first concert. She’d want that.”

  “Okay,” she agreed without further rebuttal, reaching up on tiptoes and taking a lick of my ice cream.

  “No fair.”

  “Here.” She held out her cone.

  We stood there for a while, taking turns licking each other’s ice cream.

  “Come on, you’re freezing,” I said when I felt her shiver against my flank.

  “Now what?”

  “Home. My home, if that’s okay? I’d like to be just us tonight, if that feels all right to you. I don’t mean Smitty, he can come. I mean the memories…in case you thought…”

  “I knew what you meant. Come on, I’m sure Smitty will love getting dog hair all over your sofa.”

  “That’s the beauty of leather. Wipes right off.”