Sliding my elbow onto the table, I propped my cheek on my hand and gauged Ayden’s reaction. It felt so natural telling him about me, my history. Ayden’s eyes were focused solely on me and the curiosity behind them was genuine. So was the kindness. I could do this. What I couldn’t even divulge to his sister, I could tell him.
“Austin and Jake had been best friends since grade school so when Jake wouldn’t even hang out with him, I got concerned. We tried talking to his parents, but they dismissed our concerns completely,” I continued.
“Austin kind of took over in my life. He became the person I confided in when Jake stopped taking my calls. He was there for me when I tried to get over my first love. And those last couple of months in high school were pretty magical. It was like he took all of the pain away from Jake. At first, we were uneasy about seeing one another since we were all friends, but our emotions called the shots by that point. I had become completely Austin crazy. But I still wanted Jake in my life or anyone’s life, but he just wouldn’t step out of his shell.” I swallowed the lump that started forming in my throat.
Ayden’s jaw tensed as he watched me begin to move my finger in a continual circle as if that motion would help me get through what I was about to confess.
“He needed help. Jake needed help and I failed him. Austin and I both failed him. When it happened, when I found him, Austin was with me. I had started getting kind of random texts from him. I didn’t understand them, and sometimes they were just links to odd cartoon sites or random bits of pop culture references. They usually happened late at night so I thought he was just partying too much with a crowd I didn’t know or something.” The hollowness began to spread throughout my body as I spoke. “He always loved to sneak alcohol everywhere. If someone needed it for a party, he was the man. I actually never asked how he got it, but he always did.”
I felt buried with guilt and grief, knowing I’d hid my truth, my history.
“I didn’t know he was battling so many demons, so much pain. Austin and I had just gotten out of a movie and were walking to his truck when I got the text from Jake. It was cryptic…Cryptic enough to understand his intent. I’ll never forget those two words. I’m done.”
“Oh, god,” Ayden whispered.
“I showed Austin the text, and he told me to reach out to his parents immediately, which I did. But they weren’t in the state. I got another text from him apologizing and telling me he loved me. By the time Austin sped into his driveway, I was already jumping out of the car. From the moment I grabbed the hidden key under the rock, to climbing the stairs, everything went into slow motion. It was dark inside the house. I yelled for him, but all I heard was the running water upstairs. Austin and I climbed the stairs two at a time until we finally reached the bathroom. He was in it. The water had overflowed the tub. His body was fully submerged. All I remember was Austin pulling him out of the water, trying to revive him. I fell to the floor, crying, holding Jake’s hand, begging for him to come back to me, to us. His parents had called the police on our way over to their house. There was a blur of medics and police. I remember watching the emergency personnel working on him, but nothing they did helped.”
Ayden’s hand was on my knee, and he was slowly shaking his head as the story I’d never shared with anyone finally had a listener—the listener of my choosing.
“Austin was holding me in his arms, sheltering me from seeing Jake’s body as they tried to revive him. Austin became my rock. He got me through the last weeks of school. I didn’t even want to bother showing up. I was fine with just throwing in the towel. But he was there every morning, helping me to get ready, driving me to school, walking me to every class. He’d take me by my favorite ice cream place on the way home and sit with me, either helping me with my homework or doing it for me. And it wasn’t like Austin wasn’t hurting. That was his best friend, but he helped me through it. My parents just wanted me to forget what I saw. And all of the texts I had gotten leading up to his death kept taunting me, showing me how selfish I’d become. That was all I could focus on. I mean, how could I not realize my ex-boyfriend was suffering so much? Austin was the only person who kept me on track. He continually reminded me of my dreams, told me Jake wouldn’t want me to throw everything away.”
“There wasn’t any jealousy as I mourned. Austin understood the place Jake held in my heart. I felt like Jake’s demons became entwined in my soul—in my life—as if they were going to start guiding me. My parents were tired of my relationship with Austin and didn’t recognize that if it hadn’t been for him, I probably wouldn’t have graduated. And all Austin wanted to do was shelter me, protect me. I was a wreck. Every night, I woke up with nightmares, the images of Jake in the bathtub. Some nights, Austin would sneak in through my window and stay with me, just holding me.” I took a sip of water and watched Ayden’s expression change to questioning.
“Your parents?” he asked.
“They were too worried about how everything would look come election time. They didn’t want it to look like I was in any way involved with Jake or his activities. He had gotten involved with drugs. We think that’s when he started to break away from us all, and we just didn’t know it. It came out that his blood-alcohol level was off the charts, and one of my father’s platforms was lowering teen drinking. You can imagine how that went down in the household. I was falling to pieces, and all they carried on about was how we looked from the outside. Things got very dark for me. Then came the rumors that Austin got some chick pregnant, and I bolted away to college without ever telling him goodbye.” The tears that had been balancing on my lower lids finally spilled over, and I closed my eyes, dabbing them with a cocktail napkin.
I felt Ayden’s arms wrap around me and pull me into him, and I finally let the pain escape.
“Was it true?” he whispered.
I shook my head. “I just couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t run from my nightmares because he shared them with me. He reminded me of Jake, reminded me of everything I did wrong and nothing I did right to save Jake. I felt the only way to start over was to leave him and the memories behind.”
“I understand,” he replied, running his fingers through my hair to comfort me, and it did. He did. And there were no expectations of anything in return. We were quiet for a few moments before he said anything more. “Lily, you did nothing wrong. Those were Jake’s demons. You couldn’t have done anything. You need to let go of the guilt.”
“I hope to someday,” I whispered. “Thanks for listening.”
“That’s what friends are for. I’m here anytime you need me.”
I slowly freed myself from his embrace and looked into his eyes. “I really mean it. Thank you.”
“I know you do. And I can now understand why you’re willing to take it easy on Austin. It makes sense. What you guys experienced together is unfathomable and changed you both forever. I get it.”
I nodded.
“I’ll be there for you, no matter what happens. No matter which direction things go. You know that, right?” he asked.
“I do.”
The party was now nonexistent and the surroundings were in takedown mode. I glanced over at Tori, who was giving directions to the staff, when my eyes caught the blonde model now eagerly waving at Ayden. I followed her gaze back to his and my stomach clenched.
“Well, I’m gonna take off,” I replied. “And I guess I’ll see you tomorrow up north.”
I spun around before Ayden could give me some lame excuse, and I just waved behind me as I quickly texted the driver to take me home.
Everything did happen for a reason. Now I just had to figure out if I had to bother trying to ever figure out what the reason was.
I’d given my notice this morning—Christmas Eve or not—and drove up to Seattle for the holidays. Between that and talking to Ayden last night, it felt like my world had been reinvented, and I’d barely even done anything. Somehow I’d managed to pack everything for our Utah trip and haul it with me so I could tak
e off from Seattle with everyone. I just stepped inside of Aaron and Brandy’s home and instantly felt at ease.
“We are so grateful to you for not killing our daughter for coming up with this crazy idea.” Brandy’s mom gave me a quick hug and laughed as I caught a funny look from Mason who was in the family room. He was talking to someone quietly, but from where I was standing, I couldn’t tell who it was.
“Well, I’m not going to make any promises until we make it through the trip,” I laughed.
“Am I really in trouble?” Brandy asked, pulling Aaron behind her.
I gave her a big hug as Aaron waved at me and picked up my bags of presents. He followed Brandy’s mom out of the foyer, leaving us alone.
Brandy was dressed in a pale blue cashmere sweater, and her hair fell softly around her face. She looked really beautiful and strong. Strong was the most important with everything she’d been through.
“Seriously, am I in trouble? Because you know Gabby is equally at fault,” she teased.
“No. You’re not in trouble,” I laughed. “But you better have some backup activities planned for me that don’t include a long lost boyfriend.”
“Noted. Gabby and Jason are on their way over, and I’ve got a ton of appetizers spread out so you better be hungry.”
I followed her down the hallway, bringing Ayden into view. So that was who Mason was talking to with such serious intent.
Mason’s eyes followed me as I walked past him and his brother. His brow quirked, and a grin spread across his lips.
“What we’re chopped liver?” Mason asked, throwing his hands in the air.
I started laughing and gave Mason a huge hug. He was just like his brother, like exactly, since they were identical twins. But I could always tell the difference from the moment I’d met them. Plus, they dressed completely different. Mason was in a t-shirt and baggy jeans, while Ayden was in dark green sweater that hugged his chest and shoulders—enough of skimming Ayden’s chest already!
And fitted jeans that hugged everything else.
Okay, now I was done.
Mason let go of me and Ayden came in next for a quick squeeze.
“Long time no see,” I said, as Ayden wrapped his arms around my waist. The hug was completely different than his brother’s, more intimate. Or was it in my head?
“Too long,” he murmured, tucking his chin down slightly by my ear.
Definitely not in my head!
He let go and I caught Mason watching us, shaking his head. I pushed Ayden away playfully, chuckling.
“See what I mean? You’re very complicated,” I teased.
“Ayden complicated?” Mason belted out. “Yeah, right. He’s about as deep as a kiddie pool.”
I couldn’t help but widen my grin as Ayden thumped his brother on the head.
“Lily, I made your favorite cheese dip,” Brandy hollered from the kitchen. “Get your butt in here.”
“That’s why you’re my BFF,” I laughed.
“Is that all it takes?” Ayden asked.
I rolled my eyes and started toward the kitchen.
Every single surface was covered in Christmas décor, and I loved it. Brandy was definitely allowing herself to feel at home at Aaron’s house, and I was so happy to see it. On my way to the kitchen, I leaned over to check out a tiny North Pole village and laughed as I saw Brandy and Aaron’s heads cut out and pasted on Mr. and Mrs. Claus.
Brandy was done for.
And so was Aaron.
“Thanks, for making my favorite cheesy concoction in the world, Mrs. Claus,” I said, scooping the dip up on a chip.
She froze.
“You saw that?” She turned bright red and crinkled her nose.
“Uh, yeah. It’s right in plain sight. I’m surprised Ayden or Mason haven’t seen it yet.”
“And let’s hope they don’t. I don’t want to hear about it all through the holidays and then on our vacation,” she warned, her brow furrowed slightly.
I threw my hands up vowing not to tell.
“So are you really okay with meeting up with Austin?” she asked, her tone turning serious.
I nodded. “I am. Totally.”
And thanks to last night, I was.
“How are you feeling? You look like you’re doing really well,” I told Brandy. I knew she didn’t like any of us to concentrate on her health and recovery, but I was so proud of her for overcoming so many obstacles that had been thrown her way since the accident. Not to mention all of the legal stuff that followed.
She turned around and smiled, holding a gingerbread cookie. “The pain is almost non-existent. Sometimes it sneaks up on me and slows me down a bit, but that’s life. Even though I was determined to be skiing or snowboarding on this trip, my physical therapist has convinced me that a fall this year would be detrimental to my recovery. And we all know that if I’m propped up on either one of those contraptions, I’m bound to hit the ground.”
“That sucks,” I replied. I knew she’d see through me if I played like it’s no big deal, but to Brandy it was. She never wanted to miss out.
“It does. But next year, he promised I can fall down as much as I want.” She took another bite of the cookie.
“Well, good! We can get ourselves prepared for that.” I eyed her cookie and she handed me one.
“They’re from Gabby’s bakery,” she confirmed.
“I’d hope so,” I replied, biting the head off the gingerbread man.
I heard laughter coming from the family room as everyone’s attention was trained on National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, but then I felt a large hand settle on my shoulder from behind just as I was about to swallow.
A wave of energy ran along my arm and I tried not to look affected.
“Hey,” Ayden whispered. “Can I talk to you for a sec?”
I traded awkward glances with Brandy and nodded. “Sounds serious.”
“It is. It’s about Brandy’s Christmas present,” he said, his expression not giving anything away.
“Then by all means go get it sorted,” Brandy commanded, gesturing for me to leave the kitchen. “I don’t want hiccups getting in the way of my gift receiving.”
“Right, because that’s what this holiday is truly about.”
I followed Ayden out of the kitchen and into the study.
“So what’s up?” I asked, reclining on the leather sofa. Ayden took a seat at the far end of the couch, which seemed a bit odd. Maybe, it really was about Brandy’s present.
“I just wanted to let you know that I’m actually bringing someone with me to Utah,” he said, running his fingers through his hair. My heart fell, but I managed to keep my face in the full upright position. They always say that’s good for crash landings.
“Sweet,” I replied, keeping my gaze on his. I didn’t want to show even a flicker of disappointment, but I couldn’t hold my snarkilicious in. I needed to offer just one jab. “Is it the blonde from last night?”
His eyes fell to the rug and his jaw tensed.
Oh. My. God. It was. That backfired.
“Yeah, actually it is. I dated her years ago. She started traveling a lot for her modeling career so things—”
“Ayden, I promise. You don’t have to justify it to me. I think it’s great. Plus, she’s gorgeous,” I interrupted.
He bit his lip and continued to stare at the floor.
Awkward much?
“Shouldn’t you be happy about not being the third wheel? I know that was some sort of fear you had.” I smiled, still waiting for him to look at me.
Still nothing. What the hell?
“Okay, so I think that’s fabulous, and I’m sure she’ll be a lot of fun to hang out with,” I continued.
Lies, lies, all lies!
“I’m sorry. I…” He finally began to speak and what did I do? I cut him off.
“There’s nothing to apologize for,” I assured him. I stood up and sat right next to him on the couch. “Your friendship means the world to me. I
’ve opened up to you about things I’ve never uttered to anyone. I get it. You’re a guy and—”
His eyes flashed up to mine, and I felt my chest tighten. He pressed his lips together, his hand falling to my knee as his eyes focused on mine.
“I don’t think you do get it, Lily. I saw the way you looked when you spoke about Austin. I don’t want to get in the way. There was something there, like you said. You guys shared something. I don’t want to be a distraction. And I know myself more than I’d like to admit. I’d make sure that I became a distraction. This is too important for you to have me screwing it up. That’s why I’m bringing her.” The pained look in his eyes was impossible to miss.
I don’t know why I always thought my actions would numb the pain or divert a catastrophe because they never did.
They always complicated things.
Closing my eyes, I leaned in close to Ayden, and I softly kissed him. Not on the lips, just across his jawline. But I felt it, his body tensed and an overwhelming current ran between us. I leaned back and slowly opened my eyes but not before realizing his were still closed as if he had to commit this moment to memory. I touched his cheek, but he grabbed my hand, his eyes now open and locking on mine. We shared this moment in silence, our eyes taking each other in, as if it was our farewell of what could have been before we even started.
“I’ve been there before…when you think the mistakes of your past will define you. But they don’t,” he finally replied. “You may still have that connection with Austin. You probably do, actually. And it’s worth fighting for. And if you decide that’s not what’s best for you, then you’re going to need space to move on, mourn once and for all. I refuse to get in the way.”
Beyond Reason (Beyond Love Series #3) Page 7
