Lone Eagle

by Danielle Steel

  She met him in London once or twice, joined him in Madrid and Rome, and they spent a fabulous week in Paris. But whenever she went, she felt guilty about leaving the children. His life was a constant rat race, traveling on planes, and hers was an eternal relay race between Joe and her children. She was always feeling guilty about not being with one, when she was with the other. But at least she was enjoying decorating the house in California. It had become a joke with them, whenever she went out to work on it, he flew to Europe. And when he was in L.A., she was in New York with the kids.

  The house was finally ready for them in September, and Joe loved it. It was comfortable and warm, and elegant, a home away from home for him whenever he was in California. And he told everyone what a great job Kate had done on it. He even encouraged her to do some decorating for friends in her spare time, but she didn't want to be tied to any projects. She wanted to be free to join him on his trips whenever she was able. He was gone so much that she wanted to do whatever she could to keep their marriage intact.

  He was home for most of October that year, which was rare for him. But for once he had no fires to put out anywhere, things were calm, and he had a number of important meetings in New York and New Jersey. Kate loved having him at home every night, although she hated to admit to herself that she could see Joe was getting restless. He was flying a lot on weekends, and one Sunday, they even flew up to Boston to visit her parents. And on the way back he let her take the controls for a while, which was fun for her.

  They were on their way home and he was back at the controls again when she broached a subject to him that she had wanted to discuss with him for a long time. Usually, he wasn't home long enough to warrant bringing up sensitive topics, but he was in such a good mood, and so happy with the plane he was flying, that Kate decided to brave it. She wanted another baby. His.

  “Now?” He looked horrified.

  “Well, don't crash the plane for Heaven's sake, while we talk about it.”

  “You already have two kids, Kate. And you're tied down as it is.” Stephanie had just turned two, and Reed was four. Andy had remarried in June, and they were already expecting a baby. Reed was none too pleased about it.

  “We've been married for a year and a half, Joe. It would be nice to have one of ours, wouldn't it?” The look on his face didn't suggest that he thought so. He had never been enthusiastic about kids, with the exception of Reed and Stevie. Reed thought Joe walked on water. And Joe was crazy about him.

  “We don't need more kids, Kate. We have enough going on in our lives as it is.”

  “You've never had one,” she said pleadingly. She had wanted his baby for more than ten years. It had been eleven and a half since she lost the one at Radcliffe.

  “I don't need one,” he said bluntly. “I've got Reed and Stevie.”

  “That's not the same thing,” she said sadly. He didn't sound as though he was open to the subject at all.

  “It is to me, Kate. I wouldn't love them more if they were my own kids.” He had always been wonderful to them, which was what always made her think he'd be a terrific father. And she wanted another baby. To her, it seemed the normal outcome of how much she loved him. “Besides, I'm too old to have kids now, Kate. I'm forty-three years old. By the time they go to college, I'll be in my sixties.”

  “My father was older than you are when I was born. And Clarke is older than that. He's still pretty lively.”

  “He was never as busy as I am. My kids won't even know me.” It was one of his rare admissions that he was seldom around. But this time it served his purpose. “Why don't you find something else to keep you busy?” It was more than just a matter of keeping busy, she really wanted to have their baby. But he looked annoyed that she'd even brought up the subject, and even more so when he saw that she was disappointed. “There's always something with you,” he complained as they started to approach the airport. “Either you're bitching about my being gone, or now you want a baby. Can't you just be happy with the way things are? Why do you always need more, Kate? What's wrong with you?” He was busy landing the plane and she didn't want to argue with him, but she didn't like the way he said it. It was up to her to fit in and adjust to his needs, and seldom the reverse. What she wanted didn't seem to matter. He had gotten spoiled over the years, and some of it was her fault. He was home so rarely, and for so little time, that everything revolved around him when he was there. Between public adulation over his flying record, his heroism during the war, and his enormous success in business, all he ever heard was how remarkable he was, and Kate's was just one more voice added to the others.

  But on the drive home from the airport, she was quiet. He knew why, and he refused to discuss it with her any further. He had told her for years that he didn't want children. There were enough children in the world, the baby boom had repopulated the world, and he didn't feel he needed to add to it. And when Reed threw his arms around Joe's neck when they got home, he looked over his head at Kate, as though to prove his point. They had two kids, they didn't need more. As far as he was concerned, it was the end of the conversation. For him, at least.

  The subject didn't come up again, and he made a point of being home for the holidays that year. Kate had never let him forget the fact that he had missed Thanksgiving and Christmas with her the year before, so he arranged his entire schedule to accommodate her, and he thoroughly enjoyed it. They went to Christmas parties and a coming-out ball, took the kids ice-skating, and made snowmen in Central Park with the children. And he bought Kate an incredible diamond necklace with matching earrings for Christmas. They had been married for two years, and had never been happier in their lives. Their dreams had all come true. And when they danced on New Year's Eve, and kissed at midnight, Kate knew she had never been as happy in her life.

  He was watching football on television the next day, while she took the decorations off the tree. Both kids were having naps, and despite a mild hangover from the night before, Joe was in good spirits. The holidays had been perfect. He was leaving in two days for a four-week trip to Europe, and in February, he was going back to Asia, but Kate had made her peace with it, and was going to meet him on his way back in California.

  She brought him a sandwich while he watched the game, and she was laughing at something he said, when he suddenly saw an odd expression in her eyes, and she turned deathly pale. Just looking at her, he was frightened. He had never seen her look like that.

  “Are you okay?” She was turning green as he watched her, and she was obviously sick.

  “I'm fine.” She sat down on the couch next to him, and caught her breath for a minute. She'd had food poisoning a few days before, and said she thought it had something to do with that. Her stomach was still queasy, and had been for days.

  “Sit down for a few minutes. You've been running around all morning.” She'd been up and down the ladder a dozen times taking ornaments off the tree, and chasing the children. The sitter was off on Sundays and holidays.

  “I'm fine, honestly,” she insisted a minute later, and stood up very quickly. She had a lot to do, and didn't want to waste time. And the moment she got up, he turned to look at her, as her eyes rolled slowly back in her head, and she slid to the floor at his feet. She had fainted.

  He was on the floor next to her instantly, on his knees, checking her pulse, and listening to see if she was breathing. He had his face close to hers, as she opened her eyes slowly and moaned softly. She had no idea what had happened. One minute she was looking at him, and the next she was lying on the floor staring up at him. He looked frantic.

  “Kate, what happened? What do you feel?” She was thirty-one years old, and suddenly looked like she was dying to him.

  “I don't know,” she looked scared and a little woozy. “I just got dizzy.” The wife of one of Joe's pilots had just died of a brain tumor, and it was all he could think of as she got slowly to her feet.

  “I'm taking you to the hospital. Now,” he said, helping her back onto the couch.
She didn't try to get up, she was glad to be lying down, although she was feeling a lot better.

  “I'm sure it's nothing. We can't leave the kids anyway. I'll call the doctor.”

  “Just lie there,” he told her. She did, and a little while later, she was asleep, while he watched her. He didn't want to tell her, but he was worried sick. In all the years he'd known her, she had never fainted. He was still sitting on the couch next to her when she woke up, and she looked much better. And over his protests, that night she cooked them all dinner, but he noticed that she ate very little. He made her promise that she would see the doctor in the morning, and he was already planning to call the head of Columbia-Presbyterian Hospital. He was an old friend and a flying buff, and Joe wanted to get the names of the best doctors in New York in case it turned out to be as serious as he feared it would be. But Kate seemed much more nonchalant about it than he did. He looked so upset that when they went to bed that night, she didn't have the heart to keep it from him any longer. She turned to him just as he was about to turn off the light, and kissed him. He was convinced she was dying, and he was fighting back tears as he held her close to him.

  “Sweetheart, don't worry, I'm fine…. I didn't want you to be mad at me,” particularly over the holidays. She had wanted to wait until January at least, but she knew she couldn't now. It wasn't fair to worry him.

  “Why would I be mad at you? It's not your fault if you're sick, Kate,” he said gently, as she lay back against the pillow.

  “I'm not sick…. I'm pregnant.” If she had hit him with a brick, it would have had less effect on him than what she just told him.

  “You're what!” He looked dumbstruck.

  “We're having a baby.” She sounded very calm, and he could see easily that she was happy about it, although she'd been worried about his reaction to the news.

  “How long have you known?” He felt thoroughly duped. She'd been keeping it from him.

  “Since just before Christmas. The baby's due in August.” It had happened before Thanksgiving.

  “You tricked me!” he said, leaping out of bed in a fury. She had never seen him as angry, as she lay in bed and watched him storm around the room. He was throwing things on the floor, and slammed the door to her bathroom. It was the reaction she had feared, and not the one she had hoped for.

  “I didn't trick you,” she said softly.

  “The hell you didn't. You said you were using something.” She had used birth control for years, ever since the miscarriage at Radcliffe, except when she was married to Andy.

  “I did use something, but it must have slipped. Joe, that happens.”

  “Why now? I told you when we talked about it a few months ago that I didn't want kids. You must have just gone right home that night and flushed your diaphragm down the toilet. Don't you care what I want?” He looked outraged and her lip was trembling. His needs were in sharp conflict with hers.

  “Of course I do, it was an accident, Joe. I couldn't help it. Worse things could happen.” But not in Joe's mind. She hadn't listened to him and he felt trapped suddenly.

  “Not much. Dammit, Kate. Get rid of it. I don't want it.”

  “Joe, you don't mean that!” She looked shocked, he was having a total tantrum.

  “I do. I'm not having a baby at my age. Have an abortion.” He finally threw himself down on the bed, and glared at her. She was horrified by what he was saying.

  “Joe, we're married… it's our baby… it's not going to change anything in our lives. I'll get a nurse and I can still travel with you.”

  “I don't care, I don't want it.” He looked like a five-year-old running the world as he sat in bed, literally fuming at her.

  “I'm not going to have an abortion,” she said calmly. “I lost our baby once before. I'm not going to kill another.” That had been eleven years before, but she still remembered every hideous second of it, and the grief she had felt over losing their baby. It had taken her months to recover.

  “You're going to kill me, if you have this kid, Kate. And jeopardize our marriage. We have enough strain on us now, you're the one who says I'm never here. And now you're going to be whining constantly that I'm not home with our baby. Christ, if this was what you wanted, you should have married another guy, or stayed married to Andy. He seems to have a kid every time he looks at a woman.” He and his wife were expecting their new baby shortly, but Kate was wounded by Joe's comment.

  “I want to be married to you, Joe. I always did. This isn't fair. It wasn't my fault,” and she really wanted it. But he was convinced that she had tricked him into having a baby, and nothing she could say would convince him otherwise.

  He turned off the light and rolled over with his back to her a few minutes later, and he was gone when she woke up the next morning. She was feeling sick over his reaction to the news the night before, and even more so when she thought of him telling her to have an abortion. But apparently he meant it, because he brought it up again that night. He was grateful that she didn't have a terminal illness as he had feared at first when she fainted, but as far as he was concerned, this was the next worst thing to a brain tumor.

  “I thought about what you said last night, Kate, about… you know, the pregnancy….” He had trouble even calling it a baby. And he was staring at his plate when he talked to her. It was as though he didn't even want to see her. But for a minute, she thought he was going to relent and tell her he was sorry. “The more I thought about it today, the more I knew how wrong it is for us. I know it upsets you, Kate, but I really think you have to end it. It's the best thing for both of us, and the other children. It's going to be upsetting enough for them when Andy and his new wife have a kid, if we have a baby too, they're going to end up feeling like nobody loves them, and they'll wind up jealous and neurotic.” It was the best argument he could come up with, and Kate almost laughed at him, except she was so upset by what he was saying. He still wanted her to have an abortion.

  “Other kids seem to survive having siblings,” she said sensibly. She was not going to let him sway her, but she also didn't want it to cost them their marriage. And she had never seen Joe as upset as he'd been the night before when she told him. He was calmer now, but no happier than he'd been at her announcement.

  “Their parents aren't divorced, Kate.”

  “Joe… I'm not going to have an abortion.” It was as clear as she could make it to him. “I won't. I love you. And I want to have our baby.”

  He didn't say a word to her, and he stayed in his study that night until he came to bed. And the next day he left for his four-week trip to Europe. He didn't even say goodbye to her before he left. He just stormed out of the house.

  It was a whole week this time before he called her, which was unusual for him. But he had been stewing while he was gone, and all she could do was leave him alone. He called her from Madrid, and he sounded businesslike and subdued. He asked how she was, and how the children were, and then he told her what he was doing. And after a few minutes, he told her he'd call her again sometime soon. In the end, he called her three times in four weeks. And she knew that when he came back, he was only going to be in New York for two days. After that, he was going to Hong Kong and Japan, and he wouldn't be back in New York for another three weeks. He was back in his rat race again.

  He flew back to New York on the first of February, and the kids were already in bed when he got home. Kate was in the living room, watching television, and she looked up with a start when she heard him come in. It took him a few minutes to walk into the living room, and he approached her slowly when he did. He hadn't even called to tell her when he was arriving.

  “How are you, Kate?” It was a cool greeting after a long four weeks and very little contact from him, and she assumed that he was still angry at her. It was beginning to remind her of the icy atmosphere between her and Andy after he had refused to give her a divorce, and she was suddenly afraid that Joe would end their marriage over the baby. It would have been a crazy thing to do,
but she was beginning to wonder if he'd ever forgive her for what had happened, whether or not it was her fault.

  “I'm fine. How are you?” she said cautiously, as he sat down in a chair across from her.

  “Tired,” he said. It had been a long flight.

  “Did everything go okay?” She hadn't spoken to him in a week, and she was so happy to see him, she would have liked to throw her arms around his neck, but she didn't dare.

  “More or less. What about you?” He glanced at her cryptically and she sighed. It was easy to guess what he wanted to know.

  “I didn't have an abortion, if that's what you mean,” she said, looking away from him. It was a battle of wills over one tiny life. It seemed a sad state of affairs to her. “I told you I wouldn't.”

  “I know,” was all he could say, and then he walked across the room to sit next to her. He put an arm around her shoulders and pulled her close to him. “I don't know why you want this baby, Kate.” He sounded exhausted and sad, but no longer angry at her, and she was relieved.

  “Because I love you, you dope,” she said in a choked voice, snuggling close to him. She had missed him so much, and been worried about how angry he was at her.

  “I love you too. I think it's a dumb thing for us to do. But I guess if that's the way it is, I'll live with it. Just don't expect me to do diapers, or walk it around all night while it cries. I'm an old man, Kate, I need my sleep.” He looked down at her with a lopsided smile, and she looked at him incredulously. She loved him so much, and even when he made a lot of noise, in the end he always did the right thing.

  “You're not an old man, Joe.”