Undescribable

by Tessier, Shantel

  I still haven’t cried. I just feel like the tears would be wasted. I guess that could be my first clue to how I feel about him. I don’t know if my mind is in shock or overload. I’m such an idiot.

  This evening I’d sat in the living room with Micah and Holly, and true to her word, we all sat in silence. I felt so bad for ruining their evening and told them to go on out, but Micah refused.

  I do know one thing, I came to this town for me. Not Jax. And I have found the two best friends that a girl could ask for.

  With a sigh, I roll over and close my eyes, I need to start looking for a house in St. Louis tomorrow. This town has become my home, and I’m not leaving it.

  I wake up, not in the least rested, but on a mission. I get out of bed and walk out of the bedroom. Once in the hallway, I can hear voices coming from the kitchen.

  “We need to help her,” I hear Holly say.

  “I plan on it. You think I would let her go back over there to get her stuff alone?” Micah sounds insulted.

  I don’t feel right eavesdropping, so I clear my throat and walk in the kitchen. They both turn to look at me as I give them a small smile. “I heard you guys talking about helping me. You don’t have to go. I can do it on my own.” I don’t want to put them in the middle of this.

  “Are you crazy? Of course we are going to help you.” Micah gives me a look like I’ve lost my mind, then starts pouring everyone coffee in travel mugs.

  “What about work? Don’t you have to work today?” I take a sip of my coffee.

  “I took off half a day. I’ll go in later.” He grabs his keys off the counter and walks to the front door.

  We leave their house heading towards my old place. My heart is racing; I don’t want to see him. I’ve been telling myself this happened for a reason, but what if it’s too hard moving out all of my stuff? What if he begs me to stay? Worse, what if she is there and all my stuff is on the front porch?

  My mind is asking itself so many questions that the entire car ride to Jax’s is silent. Micah is in front of us in his new, white ford pickup truck, and Holly and I are following him in my car. I don’t want to grab anything but my clothes, shoes and personal stuff. Everything else he can do whatever he wants with. I don’t want anything that will remind me of him. I’m starting a new chapter of my life today, so I want everything else to be new and fresh.

  As I pull up to the house, Jax is already coming to meet us outside. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. It is not any easier seeing him today, than it was yesterday. I open my eyes again, and remind myself the entire relationship had been a lie and that I won’t let him see how much he hurt me.

  “Couldn’t come by yourself, Sam? Had to bring some muscles?” he says smugly, watching Micah climb out of his truck.

  “We just want to help her get her stuff without any problems.” Micah lifts his hands up in the air.

  “Yeah?” Jax rubs his chin as if he is contemplating something. I used to find that sexy, but now I find it disturbing. “Well, it’s where she left it.” He leans over a bit and gestures his hand to the front door, still looking at Micah. Micah nods, and we all follow Jax into the house. My heart is no longer pounding, and I’m actually relieved to see that his attitude is pissing me off more than anything.

  We waste no time throwing clothes into the trunk of my car and Micah’s back seat. I feel like I’m running back and forth from my car to the house; I want to get out of here as fast as possible. Jax hasn’t said a word since we’ve entered the house. He has just sat on the end of the bed, watching the three of us load up all of my belongings.

  Holly and Micah get the last load of clothes. I grab all the letters from my dad out of the nightstand and stick them in my purse, then move to the bathroom to pack up my makeup, toiletries, and all that stuff a girl can’t live without.

  “What are you doing?”

  I spin around and my heart rate picks up. Jax is standing in the doorway of the bathroom.

  “Packing up my stuff.”

  “No, I mean what are you doing? Why are you leaving me?” He leans up against the door jam.

  I’m starting to get pissy. “Because I walked in on you having sex with someone else.”

  “But I don’t want to break up.” He smiles and it gives me goose bumps; the kind of goose bumps that scream danger. He pushes off the doorframe and starts to move toward me. I look to the hall behind him, panicking. Where are Micah and Holly?

  My heart is pounding and my skin gets clammy. “Stay right there,” I demand, putting my hands up.

  “Come on, babe, you know we’re good together. Can we just forget this ever happened?” His brown eyes are on mine, and that disturbing smile is still plastered on his face as he saunters towards me. He’s getting too close to me now, so I decide to run past him, but he catches my arm and pushes us out into the hall. He is holding my arm so tightly that I cry out.

  “Let go!” I scream. I try to pull away, but he has a death grip on my arm. “Let go of me, Jax!” I yell in his face. He’s never acted this way before, and I don’t know how far he will take it.

  That vicious smile drops off his face as he narrows his brown eyes at me. “No!” He growls. “I will not let go because you’re not leaving. You are such a little bitch, Sam. You think you can just walk away from me?” I see him lift his right hand, and I think for a second he’s going to hit me. I take both my hands and shove him, making him release my arm.

  Before he can come towards me again, Micah has him pushed up against the far wall. “Don’t ever touch her or talk to her like that again, or I will beat the fuck out of you.” Micah’s face is inches from Jax.

  Jax laughs, and it’s the most terrifying laugh I have ever heard. “You think he’s your friend?” He looks past Micah to me. “He’s not.” He looks back at Micah, who is still holding him up against the wall. “He knew I was with Bridgette the other night, but didn’t tell you.”

  Micah punches him in the face. Blood instantly starts pouring from Jax’s nose.

  “Fuck!” Jax cries out.

  I look to Holly, who’s looking at Micah, opened mouth. Then I look to Micah. “I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about, so you better quit lying.” Micah pushes Jax up against the wall one last time before he lets him go.

  “Of course you do. Slade walked into the room that night when I was with Bridgette, but told Sam I was just sleeping. Don’t tell me he didn’t tell you, Micah?” He has a cocky smile on his face as he tries to catch the blood running from his nose.

  I feel my blood start to boil. Slade knew what was going on? Why didn’t he tell me the truth? Why would he lie to me? I mean, he doesn’t know me, but still. I told him I was Jax’s girlfriend. Why would Slade let him bring another girl there? Maybe he didn’t know Jax had a girlfriend until I called. He didn’t even act like he knew Jax when I called.

  I’m so confused. Why would Slade help look for him if he knew he was there with another woman? That doesn’t make any sense. Why not just say, ‘No, he’s not here’ and leave it at that?

  I hear commotion and look up to see the guys fighting. They are lying on the ground with Micah on top of Jax. I swear I can hear bones crushing as Micah punches Jax in the face. They’re both grunting, and there’s blood on the floor beside them. Micah gets up off of Jax, but Jax stands and starts to run for Micah.

  I get in his way.

  His hands make contact on my chest as he pushes me, and I fall back, hitting my head on something sharp and getting an instant headache. There are more voices, but I can’t quite make out what they are saying.

  Everything goes black.

  When I open my eyes, I realize two things. One, I have a pounding headache, and two, the smell of cleaners fill my nose as I look around the white walls, machinery and I’m lying in a rather small uncomfortable bed.

  I’m in a hospital.

  “Miss Hall?” I look over to see an older gray haired man in a white coat is standing next to the bed.

&n
bsp; “Yes?” Ow.

  I put my hand up to the back of my head, feeling a small bandage. My head is pounding so hard that it feels like it may explode.

  “I’m Doctor Mathers. How are you feeling?” He looks down at a chart, then back up at me.

  “What happened?” I rub the back of my head, gently trying to remember why I would be in a hospital.

  “From what I was told, you were pushed and fell down hitting your head. You required a few stitches, but the results came back from your CT scan and everything looks normal.”

  I nod my head as memories start to come back of the guys fighting and Jax shoving me out of his way.

  “You will experience headaches. They are going to come and go.” He starts writing something down. “If you experience dizziness, ringing of the ears, loss of concentration, or nausea, please don’t hesitate to come back.” He rips a piece of paper off of the pad and hands it to me. “I have written you a prescription for mild painkillers and some anti-nausea tablets. Take them if need be.”

  “Thank you,” I say quietly.

  He nods his head. “I need to send in someone from administration to get all of your insurance information. I’m going to go and get the paperwork started for your release. Do you need anything?”

  “Can you send my friend Holly in, please?” I know she must be somewhere in this hospital.

  “Of course. I’ll be back one more time to check a few things before they release you.” He stands up and walks towards the door.

  “Thank you.” I rest my head back on the bed, and take in a few deep breaths. How could I have been so wrong about Jax all of this time? He had never laid a hand on me before. I had never imagined that he would try to hit me. I take in another deep breath. My head may be pounding like a drum, but my heart is no longer broken.

  It’s free.

  What he did freed me. I no longer have to wonder what he is up to, or whether he’s lying to me. I no longer have to try and please him. All I have to worry about is myself.

  I walk out of the court room with a smile on my face, even though I’m exhausted. I’ve been up since 5:30AM I put Julie in a cab after we fucked last night. I wasn’t going to make the mistake of letting her stay the night, so I told her I had to be up early. She tried to get my number, but I told her it wouldn’t matter, reminding her that I didn’t live here. She was hurt by that, but there was no need. I wasn’t going to see her again.

  I walk into the office and sit in my chair, placing my head on the desk. I am exhausted. I tell myself all the time that I’m not going to go out, that I’m not going to drink, but I always do and I’m always paying for it the next day. That has been my life since high school, though I keep trying to remind myself that I am no longer a teenager.

  I lift my head and pick up my phone. I need to call my brother and see how things are going at the office back at home.

  “Hello?” He picks up on the second ring, sounding just as tired as I am.

  “Hey man, what’s going on? You sound hung over? Did you guys go out last night?” I place my head in my hand as I wait for him to answer.

  “Paging Dr. Leon. Dr. Leon, floor 6.”

  “What the fuck was that?” Why would my brother be at a hospital?

  “That was a nurse, paging a doctor,” he says dryly.

  “Micah, what the fuck is going on?” I’m starting to lose patience. If something is wrong, why hadn’t he already called me?

  “We are at the hospital,” he says reluctantly.

  “Why?” I start to panic. “Are you okay?”

  “Does it matter?” He sounds mad at me. What the fuck did I do?

  “I don’t know what your problem is, but you better tell me what the fuck is going on. Are you okay? Is it Mom? Dad?”

  “Yes, I’m fine. They thought I had broken my hand, but turns out its just fine.” He still sounds angry.

  “What did you do to fuck up your hand?’’ Fuck, it’s like pulling teeth out of a child.

  He sighs. “Yesterday, Sam came home to find Jax in their bed with Bridgette. She left him, and stayed the night with us. Holly and I went with her back to their house this morning to pack up her stuff. Jax got a hold of Sam and was about to hit her, but she shoved him before he could. Then when he was coming back for her, I stopped him. He…yelled some things at her that made me mad, so I started punching him.”

  He takes a deep breath. “When I started to walk away from Jax, he came at me. Jax pushed Sam down when she tried to stop him. She fell and hit her head, passing out. We brought her to the hospital, and they’re running tests on her right now.”

  Holy shit.

  This cannot be happening. My head is spinning. He was going to hit her? Ended up pushing her down? She passed out?

  “Is she okay? I mean, when you drove her to the hospital, did she wake up? Speak to you? Anything?” What if she’s badly injured? Fuck, I would never forgive myself. This is my fault. I should have told her everything.

  Fuck!

  Fuck!

  Fuck!

  “We don’t know anything right now. And no, she was passed out cold the entire way to the hospital. Her head was bleeding, and I couldn’t get her to wake up. Holly was freaking out, and I couldn’t get her to calm down.”

  He sighs. “Jax took off. We talked to the police and filed a report. They are out looking for him right now.”

  He sounds so defeated. Not like my brother at all.

  “Fuck, Micah!” I slump back in my chair and run a hand through my hair. I wish I was the one who had beat Jax’s face in.

  “Hey, I have to call you back. I see the Doctor coming towards us.” He doesn’t wait for my response before hanging up. I don’t blame him. I wouldn’t have either.

  How is all this shit happening? I should have beaten the fuck out of that idiot when he was in my house, or at the very least, thrown his ass out.

  He wanted to hit the face that went along with that sweet voice? I have never hit a woman in my life, no matter how crazy one can get, and I’ve had some get fucking crazy. I don’t mind fighting with a man, but you just don’t hit a woman.

  My phone startles me out of my thinking. “Micah?” I hope it’s him with good news.

  “Yeah, it’s me. The doctor said she’s awake and is going to be okay.” He lets out a breath. “She has a few stitches, but like I said, she’s awake now. Holly just went back to see her. They are going to get the paperwork started for her release, then we are taking her to our place. Just wanted to let you know,” he says flatly.

  Thank God it was good news. “Micah, is there something else wrong? I can’t help but think you’re mad at me.” Actually, I know he’s mad at me. I can tell from his voice.

  “No.” He pauses. “I… I’ll call you later, Slade.”

  “Wait! Micah, tell me what’s going on. I know there is something you’re not telling me.” There’s no way I’m getting off this phone until he tells me why he’s pissed at me.

  “Well...”

  There’s a long pause. I don’t know why he’s waiting. We both know he’s going to tell me the problem.

  “It’s about Sam.”

  My entire body tenses, wondering what else could be wrong. I don’t know her, but I know she does not deserve what happened to her.

  “Jax told her I knew he was sleeping with Bridgette.”

  Not what I was expecting him to say.

  “Why would he say you knew?”

  “Because he told her that you saw them in bed together.” Fuck! “And that you must have told me which you should have. I would have told her. She didn’t deserve to find out by walking in on them in the middle of the act, in her own house.” His voice rises, and he is clearly pissed at me.

  “You’re right!” I rub a hand over my forehead. “I should have told her. But—”

  “All you ever do is think of yourself,” he hisses. “”Do you know what could have happened if I hadn’t been there?”

  I rub my forehead roughly with my
hand as I start to get aggravated. “I didn’t know their story. I didn’t know either of them. Fuck, I didn’t even know he had come back to my house. I had just met him earlier that night. I never thought it would end like this, with him trying to hit her.”

  Why am I the one getting blamed, when Jax is the one who cheated?

  “Look, I’m sorry. I should have said something, but I chose not to. Now she knows. She could have been hurt, but you were there and now she’s rid of that piece of shit.” Hopefully she is the kind of women that doesn’t go back to him, thinking that is the only kind of man she can get.

  “You’re right, Slade. Her life is fucking perfect now, no thanks to you.”

  Micah hangs up, leaving me sitting there and looking at my phone, wondering what the fuck just happened?

  I put my phone down, but continue to stare at it. At least she is going to be okay. That is the most important part. I can’t even imagine what she’s going through right now. I don’t know how long they had been together, but anyone could tell she was worried when she called looking for him. I don’t know what caused him to cheat on her, but to hit her? No man should ever hit a woman. He was the one fucking around. Why would he be mad at her?

  I don’t even know Samantha, but I already feel protective over her. Which is ridiculous, right? She means nothing to me. Why would I care what happens to her?

  I start packing my bag as Samantha plays through my head. I think about her all the time which is starting to get on my fucking nerves. But that voice...it’s always in my head. Even when I was with Julie last night, I pretended she was Samantha, but it was hard. Julie was pretty vocal, and her voice wasn’t anywhere close to Samantha’s.

  I stop what I’m doing and look down at my phone. Maybe I should try calling her, although I doubt she would talk to me. Especially now that she knows I lied to her.

  I lay down my phone and continue packing up my stuff. I have a plane I need to catch in a few hours, and I need to quit thinking about Samantha. Her problems are not mine. I don’t know her. I feel sorry knowing what Jax did to her, but it’s not my problem.