Undescribable

by Tessier, Shantel

  Once we enter his room, he lets go of my hand and continues to walk as I stand in the doorway, not really knowing what to do. I decide to take off my heels that are now scuffed beyond repair. I’m actually surprised the heels didn’t break off. I have to place a hand on the door to hold myself up while bending over. Once they’re off, I continue to stand there, watching him. He’s pacing back and forth at the end of his bed, looking down at the floor while running his hand through his hair.

  I clear my throat. “I’m sorry.” I don’t know what else to say. This all started because of me. In retrospect, I know sorry won’t come close to what can fix it.

  “Sorry,” he says above a whisper like he’s trying to believe me as he continues to pace, not looking at me.

  I wrap my arms around my chest, thinking they can save me from all the pain my body is feeling right now. The more I stand here, the more pain I start to feel. I have a pounding headache, and my neck is very sore. I keep having shooting pains up my side, and my arms ache where Matt grabbed them as he shoved me up against the wall. I can feel cuts and bruises on my legs from where I rolled around on the ground.

  I close my eyes as I take short shallow breaths. They don’t hurt as much as the deep ones. I open my eyes and Slade is towering over me with that killer look on his face, and his arms crossed over his massive chest. I take a step back.

  “What the fuck were you thinking?” He asks it so calmly that it scares me.

  “Why do you keep asking me that question?” I whisper, looking at the floor. “I told you why. You needed help. Micah was fighting someone else, and I didn’t know where Josh was.”

  He gives a dark laugh that makes me flinch. “And you thought you could help me?” He asks amused. “You weigh about a hundred and ten pounds. If that! I was fighting a man who weighs over two hundred. It was an idiotic move, and you know it!”

  I swallow. He’s right. It was.

  “I’m sorry,” I say again because I have nothing else to say for myself. I just wanted to help him out, but now that I think of it, it was stupid that I hit Matt. It was just a split second decision.

  I look up at him, and he throws his hands up in the air.

  “You’re sorry? Sorry? Quit saying you’re fucking sorry!” He turns away from me and punches the bedroom door so hard that he puts a hole in it.

  I yelp as I take several steps back into the hallway. My throat closes up and tears well up in my eyes while I watch the pieces fall on to the carpet, some covered in blood.

  “Fuck!” he continues to yell as he takes his head in both of his hands and turns away from me. “God damn it, Angel!”

  I had just wanted to help him.

  “I’m sorry,” I say again, whispering. “I got tired of watching you get hit,” I add shakily as I feel a tear run down my face. “I was drunk and confused, trying to keep up with what was happening around me. I yelled at you to stop, but you wouldn’t.” I shake my head, looking at the floor. “Then, when you did stop, he came at you from behind and it was my fault you got punched in the face. I saw blood running from your mouth and I wanted to help you.

  “Yes, I agree that trying to step in was stupid, but I was afraid for you. I didn’t want him to hurt you.” I take a deep breath, and it makes me cry because of the pain in my side. “I knew I wouldn’t be able to do much,” I take in another shallow breath. “But I couldn’t just sit back and watch him hit you.”

  I rub my crossed hands up and down my sides. “I wasn’t going to leave you,” I whisper. “I’m sorry. This all started because of me. It was my fault, but I’m not the type of person that could just leave you there.” A sob rips through my throat and I can’t hold it back. I back up until I hit the wall in the hallway and slide down it, bending my knees to my chest. The position actually helps with the pain in my side. I put my forehead to my knees and cry like a child.

  The only sound in the house is my cries. I feel on the verge of hysterics, so I take a few breaths to try to calm down. I know he’s still standing there, watching me cry my eyes out, but I can’t hold the tears back. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. My emotions are going every which way. I just couldn’t sit back and do nothing. Couldn’t he understand that?

  I’m still trying to calm myself down when Slade’s phone rings.

  “Hello?” he snaps. I refuse to look up at him. “No, she didn’t tell me.” A new wave of pain runs through my body as I stiffens, knowing Holly or Josh just ratted me out about hitting my side. “Yeah, I’ll make sure to take a look at it. Thanks for telling me. And Josh...” there’s a pause, “thanks.”

  I just sit there, hiding my head. I don’t want to be yelled at anymore for something I thought was the right thing to do. I need to quit crying like a baby and pull myself together. My dad always told me to fight for what I knew was right and I know, no matter how small or weak I am, that trying to help Slade was the right thing to do.

  I’m done apologizing for it!

  What the fuck was she thinking? What the fuck was I thinking?

  I throw my phone on the bed. I am so fucking pissed that I can’t think straight. I have never hated myself as much as I do right now. I could have lost her tonight. Matt could have killed her, all because I got in his face and pissed him off. All because I let my mouth and my temper get the best of me.

  I watch Angel cry while she sits on the floor. Then I turn to look at the hole in the door. Fuck! Now she’s probably scared to death of me. That’s just fucking fantastic. I spin around and head to my bathroom. We both could use a shower.

  I turn on the shower and stand there, thinking about what happened. I had never felt so terrified. Not for myself, but for her. I had felt a great sense of pride when she punched Matt in the face. I thought he was going to hurt her; I never imagined she would stand up to him, she was pretty much welcoming him in to do just that.

  I hated hearing her screaming my name when Josh was carrying her out. It tore me apart, but I needed her to get somewhere safe.

  I need to talk to her; let her know I’m not mad at her. I’m mad at myself for heading outside where I knew she was. When I saw her kicking and screaming, saying she didn’t want to leave me, I just had to let her know I was okay. Fuck, that was stupid! I should have never told Josh to put her down, but I just had to see she was alright. Instead, she ended up injured when Matt took us both to the ground.

  I take a deep breath to tone down my anger, and go get her. It makes my chest ache to see her upset, especially knowing I’m the one responsible.

  “I’m sorry.” I say as I look down at her. I’m still pissed, but I need her to understand I’m pissed at myself, not her. “Angel?” She doesn’t respond. “Angel, come on. Get up. Let me help get you cleaned up in the shower.”

  She shakes her head lightly. “I just want to go home,” she mumbles into her legs.

  “I know you’re hurting. Please, let me take a look at you.” I hear another sob and I bend down to kneel in front of her. I reach out and grab her arms, thinking maybe she needs help standing, but she jerks away with a cry of pain. “Sorry,” I whisper.

  I wish I could take it away. I hate that she is hurting and won’t let me help her. How could I have let this happen? How could I have put her in this situation?

  She stands slowly, not looking at me. I don’t know if she’s scared of me now, or just mad at me. I don’t blame her if it is both.

  “Angel, at least talk to me. What hurts?” I ask as she walks past me.

  “Oh, now you want to talk?” she screams as she turns to face me. “How dare you talk to me like that! I’m done apologizing for trying to help your ass out.”

  “Angel, I—”

  She sobs again, cutting me off as her anger fades away. “Just stop, Slade.” she says as she cries, shaking her head. “Please, just leave me alone.”

  I stand back, giving her some room. Her face is red and wet from the tears running down her face. I go to reach my hand out to her; I want to pull her into my chest an
d hold her to prove to myself she’s ok, but she turns and heads into the bathroom.

  I decide giving her space is probably the best thing for her right now. I did just scream at her and punch a hole in the door fifteen minutes ago. I sit on the edge of the bed. Fuck, how did this night get so bad in a matter of minutes? I run a hand through my hair. I listen closely, but don’t hear her crying anymore. Actually, all I can hear is the shower. I stand up to go check on her.

  “Angel?” I say lightly. She is standing in front of the shower with her back to me, still dressed.

  “If you’re going to scream at me, you can just forget it. I don’t want to listen to anything you have to say.” She keeps her back to me, but she didn’t raise her voice.

  “I’m sorry for screaming at you. Look, you scared the shit out of me. You said you were worried about me? Well, I was terrified.” I sigh “Terrified something was going to happen to you. You have to understand. I’ve never known that kind of fear before. I admit I was wrong for screaming at you, but I was just so terrified you were going to get hurt. Then I saw you punch Matt, and I was proud that you had the courage to do it, no matter how dumb it was of you. But when I saw you lying on the ground outside…I couldn’t keep my anger in anymore.”

  She still has her back to me, so I walk up to her, put my hands on her shoulders, and slowly turn her around. Her heartbreaking look has vanished, replaced by a look that says she’d rather I be dead than talking to her. Her mouth is set in a hard line and her eyes look dark as they bore into mine. I reach up and rub what’s left of the tears and mascara off of her face.

  “I was so worried about your safety. I was never mad at you. I was mad at myself.” I cup her cheek in my palm. “I just found you, Angel. I was afraid that I was already going to lose you.”

  Her face relaxes as she pushes her body to mine and hugs me. I feel instant relief. I hug her back gently, not wanting to hurt her. This night could have ended very differently. I’m just glad she is safe in my arms.

  “I’m so sorry for yelling at you and punching the door. So very sorry, Angel.” I kiss her hair gently, then pull her away from me and look in her green eyes. “You know I would never hurt you, right?” I feel the need to say that again before she can answer. “I would never hurt you, Angel. Never. I was just so mad, and I wanted to hit Matt all over again.”

  “I know you wouldn’t,” she says as her green eyes look into mine.

  I let out a long breath. “Promise me that if something like that ever happens again you’ll run?”

  She nods her head.

  “No, say it.”

  “I will run to get help.”

  I pull her back to me, knowing she will never run. She’s a fighter, and I can’t change that. She may look small, and feel small when I hold her in my arms, but she is very brave and strong. And as much as I was scared, I also love that’s she’s not afraid to stand up to someone.

  “Come on, let’s get you out of these clothes. I want to see where you hit your side.” She nods and pulls away from me. I begin unbuttoning her shirt without waiting for her permission. I keep my eyes on hers as I undo all the buttons, then I put my hands on her shoulders and slowly slide her shirt down her arms. I catch sight of bruises on her arms, and I feel all the air leave my lungs as if someone just punched me.

  “How did you get these?” I ask in disbelief. I run my fingers lightly over them; they are a deep red color in the shape of finger prints. They are located just below her shoulders, an odd place to have bruises if you ask me. Maybe I gave them to her when we were pushed down.

  “Matt” she whispered.

  “What? That can’t be right.” I shake my head.

  “Before you tackled him in the hallway. When he pushed me up against the wall,” she whispers.

  My anger comes back full force. My jaw is clenched so tight it makes my teeth ache. That fucking bastard is D.E.A.D.

  “I’m sorry,” she says softly.

  I place her face in my palms as a single tear falls down her cheek. “Don’t be sorry, Angel.” I shake my head. “None of this was your fault. Turn around.” As she turns, I see a bruise has already formed on the right side of her back. It’s also a deep red color that runs diagonal across her side onto her back. “Is this where you hit the concrete barrier?”

  “I guess. I didn’t see what I hit.”

  Other than those three bruises, her upper body doesn’t look too bad. “Come on, let’s get your pants off.” She turns back to face me, and allows me to undo her pants. I gently slide them down her legs; she has scratches and dried blood all the way down to her ankles. “I’m so sorry.” I can’t tell her enough how sorry I am.

  “It’s not your fault. Plus, I look pretty good compared to you.” She gives me a small smile that I can’t help but return.

  “How does your hand feel?” I gently take her right hand in mine and examine it.

  “It feels fine.” She opens and closes it a few times for me.

  “Angel, you don’t have to lie to me. If you hurt it, I want you to tell me.”

  “Honestly, my hand doesn’t hurt. It actually hurts the least.” She stares down at her hand. I know her side is giving her the most discomfort. She doesn’t have to say it; I can tell by the way she is holding herself. “The water is probably getting cold. Why don’t you go ahead and get in? I’ll be right behind you.” I kiss her forehead and open the shower door before she can argue.

  I walk out of the bathroom and see the pieces of wood from the door on the floor. I look to the hole then back to the floor.

  Fuck.

  I want to hit it again. What the fuck was I thinking? I ball my fists up at my sides, ignoring the pain.

  I take a deep breath as I step back in the bathroom. I see her bra and panties lying on the floor outside the shower door, and with shaky hands I get undressed. I’m not nervous about seeing her naked, but I’m nervous how I will react when I see her bruised body. I don’t know if I can take it.

  I step in the shower and she has her head under the water, facing me. When I shut the door, she opens her eyes and walks over to me. Before she can get too close, I grab a hold of her hands and hold her arms out, looking over her body. Now that the water has washed away the blood and dirt, I curse softly. She is covered in bruises, the worst of which are on her thighs and knees.

  “I’m okay. A little sore, but it’s not too bad.”

  “Maybe I should take you to the hospital.” What if she has internal injuries?

  She shakes her head. “I’m fine. I just want to clean up and go to bed. When I get out, I’ll take some Tylenol. I’ll be okay.”

  I want to argue with her. She is going to feel like shit tomorrow, and her body will be stiff and sore as hell, but we have fought enough already tonight. I’ll let it go. I hold her for a few minutes just letting the shower head soak our bodies. I look down and see dirt and blood flowing down the drain.

  I need to get cleaned off and out of here before I lose my mind!

  “Come on, let’s get cleaned up.” She nods and turns to face the shower head.

  “Was that your first time hitting someone?’’ I ask as I begin to wash her back.

  “No...” she answers cautiously.

  “What?” I say in a high pitch voice. “What other times have you hit someone?” I pick some gravel out of her shoulder.

  “My dad taught me to fight at a young age. Said every girl should know how to protect herself. I don’t start fights, but that doesn’t mean I back down when one presents itself.”

  I turn her around to face me, and place my hand on her hips. “I don’t care how many fights you’ve been in, or how well your dad taught you to fight. Next time you run.”

  She stares at me for a few seconds before she finally nods, but her eyes are telling me she is lying. God help me, this women is going to be the death of me!

  We finish up in the shower and get out. I hand her a towel so she can dry off as I go and grab her one of my t-shirts. I need
her to get dressed as soon as possible because every time I look at her, my anger rises. Not towards her, but towards Matt.

  “Are you allergic to any medications?”

  “No.” she shakes her head slowly. I walk out of the bathroom and go to my nightstand to get the pills she will need for her pain. I run to the kitchen to grab her a bottle of water. “Here, take this. It will help with the pain.” I hand her the pills and water. She takes them without any questions.

  I unwrap the towel from my waist, throwing on a pair of boxers. I finish up in the bathroom and crawl in bed, snuggling in beside her. She is already asleep, so I pull her gently into me and kiss my angel good night. I close my eyes and smile, knowing she is safe here with me.

  She screams out my name, but I can’t get to her fast enough. My hands are clammy and my heart is racing. I’m scared and angry at the same time. I can see the horror in her big green eyes and the tears run down her face. Matt has her by the arms as he shakes her. She struggles to pull away, kicking and screaming. He lets go of her, shoving her to the ground. She lands facing down on the concrete, she tries to crawl away from him, but she’s not fast enough. He comes to stand over her and pulls her up by her hair as she screams out in pain. He pushes her up against the wall, and start yelling in her face…

  I sit straight up in bed, covered in sweat and trying to get my breathing under control. I look around frantically for a moment until I realize I’m in my bedroom and Angel is sleeping like a baby next to me. I get my racing heart to slow and my breathing back to normal as I lay down next to her.

  “Just a dream.” I whisper laying down, rubbing my hands over my eyes. Fuck, where the hell was I? Why wasn’t I helping her? I place my hand on my chest and feel my heart pounding so hard my chest feels tight and it’s soaked from sweat.

  I shove the covers off and get out of bed walking to the bathroom. I turn on the sink and start throwing water on my face. It doesn’t help, it’s not helping cool me down. Placing my hands on the counter top I look up at myself as water runs down my face.