The Secret Dreamworld of a Shopaholic

by Sophie Kinsella

  For an instant I consider saying I would have chosen Farmhouse Quarry. But that seems a bit mean.

  'Lovely,' I say. 'And two bedrooms!'

  Why can't I get off the subject of this bloody starter home?

  'He wanted two bedrooms,' says Janice. 'After all, you never know, do you?' She smiles coyly at me, and ridiculously, I feel myself start to blush. Oh God. Why am I blushing? This is so stupid. Now she thinks I fancy Tom. She's picturing us together in the starter home, making supper together in the limed oak kitchen.

  I should say something. I should say, 'Janice, I don't fancy Tom. He's too tall and his breath smells.' But how on earth can I?

  'Well, do give him my love,' I hear myself saying instead.

  'I certainly will,' she says, and pauses. 'Does he have your London number?'

  Aarrgh!

  'I think so,' I lie, smiling brightly. 'And he can always get me here if he wants.' Now everything I say sounds like some saucy double entendre. I can just imagine how this conversation will be reported back to Tom. 'She was asking all about your starter home. And she asked you to call her!'

  Life would le a lot easier if conversations were rewindable and erasable, like videos. Or if you could instruct people to disregard what you just said, like in a courtroom. Please strike from the record all references to starter homes and limed oak kitchens.

  Luckily, at that moment, Martin reappears, clutching a piece of paper.

  'Thought you might cast your eye over this,' he says. 'We've had this with-profits fund with Flagstaff Life for fifteen years. Now we're thinking of transferring to their new unit-linked growth fund. What do you think?'

  I don't know. What's he talking about, anyway?

  Some kind of savings plan? I run my eye over the piece of paper in what I hope looks like a knowledgeable fashion and nod several times.

  'Yes,' I say vaguely. 'Well, I should think that's quite a good idea.'

  'The company wrote to us, saying we might want a higher return in our retirement years,' says Martin. 'There's a guaranteed sum, too.'

  'And they'll send us a carriage clock,' chimes in Janice. 'Swiss made.'

  'Mrm,' I say, studying the letterhead intently.

  Flagstaff Life, I'm thinking. I'm sure I've heard something about them recently. Which ones are Flagstaff Life? Oh yes! They're the ones who threw a champagne party at Soho. And Elly got incredibly pissed and told David Salisbury from The Times that she loved him. It was a bloody good party, come to think of it.

  One of the best.

  'D'you rate them as a company?' says Martin.

  'Absolutely,' I say. 'They're very well regarded among the profession.'

  'Well then,' says Martin, looking pleased. 'I think we should take their advice. Go for growth.'

  'I would think the more growth, you have, the better," I say in my most professional-sounding voice. 'But that's just one view.'

  'Oh well,' says Martin, and glances at Janice. 'If Becky thinks it's a good idea…'

  'Well, I really wouldn't listen to me!' I say hurriedly.

  'Listen to her!' says Martin with a little chuckle. 'The financial expert Herself.'

  'You know, Tom sometimes buys your magazine,' puts in Janice. 'Not that he's got much money now, what with the mortgage and everything… But he says your articles are very good! He says-'

  'How nice!' I cut in. 'Well, look, I really must go. Lovely to see you. And love to Tom!'

  I turn into the house so quickly, I bump my knee on the door frame. Then I feel a bit bad, and wish I'd said goodbye nicely. But honestly! If I hear one more word about bloody Tom and his bloody kitchen, I'll go mad.

  By the time I sit down in front of the National Lottery, however, I've forgotten all about them. We've had a nice supper – chicken provenale from Marks and Spencer, and a nice bottle of Pinot Grigio, which I brought. I know the chicken provenale comes from Marks and Spencer because I've bought it myself, quite a few times. I recognized the sun-dried tomatoes and the olives, and everything. Mum, of course, still pretended she'd made it from scratch, to her own recipe.

  I don't know why she bothers. It isn't like anyone would care – especially when it's just me and Dad.

  And I mean, it's pretty obvious that there are never any raw ingredients in our kitchen. There are lots of empty cardboard boxes and lots of fully prepared meals – and nothing in between. But still Mum never ever admits she's bought a ready-made meal, not even when it's a pie in a foil container. My dad will eat one of those pies, full of plastic mushrooms and gloopy sauce, and then say, with a perfectly straight face, 'Delicious, my love.' And my mum will smile back, looking all pleased with herself.

  But tonight it's not foil pie, it's chicken provenale. (To be fair, I suppose it almost does look home-made – except no-one would ever cut a red pepper up that small for themselves, would they? People have more important things to do.) So anyway, we've eaten it and we've drunk a fair amount of the Pinot Grigio, and there's an apple crumble in the oven – and I've suggested, casually, that we all go and watch telly.

  Because I know from looking at the clock that the National Lottery programme has already started. In a matter of minutes, it's all going to happen. Oh God, I cannot wait.

  Luckily, my parents aren't the sort who want to make conversation about politics or talk about books. We've already caught up with all the family news, and I've told them how my work's going, and they've told me about their holiday in Corsica – so by now, we're grinding to a bit of a halt. We need the telly on, if only as a conversational sounding board.

  So we all troop into the sitting room, and my dad lights the gas flame-effect fire and turns on the telly.

  And there it is! The National Lottery, in glorious Technicolor. The lights are shining, and Dale Winton is joshing with Tiffany from EastEnders, and every so often the audience gives an excited whoop. My stomach's getting tighter and tighter, and my heart's going thump-thump-thump. In a few minutes those balls are going to fall. In a few minutes I'm going to be a millionaire.

  I lean calmly back on the sofa and think what I'll do when I win. At the very instant that I win, I mean. Do I scream? Do I keep quiet? Maybe I shouldn't tell anyone for twenty-four hours. Maybe I shouldn't tell anyone at all.

  This new thought transfixes me. I could be a secret winner! I could have all the money and none of the pressure. If people asked me how I can afford so many designer clothes I'd just tell them I was doing lots of freelance work. Yes! And I could transform all my friends' lives anonymously, like a good angel. No-one would ever know. This is perfect!

  I'm just working out how big a house I could manage to buy without everyone twigging, when a voice on the screen alerts me.

  'Question to Number Three.'

  What?

  'My favourite animal is the flamingo because it's pink, fluffy, and has long legs.' The girl sitting on the stool excitedly unwinds a pair of long glossy legs, and the audience goes wild. I stare at her dazedly. What's going on? Why are we watching Blind Date?

  'Now, this show used to be fun,' says Mum. 'But it's gone downhill.'

  'You call this rubbish fun?' retorts my dad incredulously.

  'Listen, Dad, actually, could we turn back to…'

  'I didn't say it was fun now. I said-'

  'Dad!' I say, trying not to sound too panicky. 'Could we just go back to BBC1 for a moment?'

  Blind Date disappears and I sigh with relief. The next moment, an earnest man in a suit fills the screen.

  'What the police failed to appreciate,' he says in a nasal voice, 'is that the witnesses were not sufficiently-'

  'Dad!'

  'Where's the television guide?' he says impatiently.

  'There's got to be something better than this.'

  'There's the Lottery!' I almost scream. 'I want to watch the Lottery!'

  'Why do you want to watch the Lottery? Have you got a ticket?'

  For a moment I'm silenced. If I'm going to be a secret winner, I can't tell anyone I'v
e bought a ticket. Not

  even my parents.

  'No!' I say, giving a little laugh. 'I just want to see Martine McCutcheon.'

  To my intense relief, it's back on, and Tiffany's singing a song. I relax into the sofa and glance at my watch.

  I know strictly speaking that whether I watch it or not won't affect my chances of winning – but I don't want to miss the great moment, do I? You might think I'm a bit mad, but I feel that if I watch it, I can kind of communicate with the balls through the screen. I'll stare hard at them as they get tossed around, and silently urge on my winning numbers. It's a bit like supporting a team. Team 1 6 9 16 23 44.

  Except the numbers, never come out in order. Team 44 1 23 6 9 16. Possibly. Or Team 23 6 1… Suddenly there's a round of applause and Martine McCutcheon's finished her song. Oh my God. It's about to happen. My life is about to change.

  'The Lottery's become terribly commercialized, hasn't it?' says my mum, as Dale Winton leads Martine over to the red button. 'It's a shame, really.'

  'What do you mean, it's become commercialized?' retorts my dad.

  'People used to play the Lottery because they wanted to support the charities.'

  'No they didn't! Don't be ridiculous! No-one gives a fig about the charities. This is all about self, self, self.'

  Dad gestures towards Dale Winton with the remote control and the screen goes dead.

  'Dad!' I wail.

  'So you think no-one cares about the charities?' says my mum into the silence.

  'That's not what I said.'

  'Dad! Put it back on!' I screech. 'Put-it-back-on!' I'm about to wrestle him for the remote control when he flicks it back on again.

  I stare at the screen in utter disbelief. The first ball has already dropped. And it's 44. My number 44.

  '… last appeared three weeks ago. And here comes the second ball… And it's number 1.'

  I can't move. It's taking place, before my very eyes. I'm actually winning the Lottery. I'm winning the bloody Lottery!

  Now that it's happening, I feel surprisingly calm. It's as if I've known, all my life, that this would happen. Sitting here silently on the sofa, I feel as though I'm in a fly-on-the-wall documentary about myself, narrated by Joanna Lumly or someone. 'Becky Bloomwood always secretly knew she would win the Lottery one day. But on the day it happened, even she couldn't have predicted…'

  'And another low one. Number 3.'

  What? My mind snaps to and I stare perplexedly at the screen. That can't be right. They mean 23.

  'And number 2, last week's bonus ball.'

  I feel cold all over. What the hell is going on? What are these numbers?

  'And another low one! Number 4. A popular number – it's had twelve appearances so far this year. And finally… Number 5! Well I never! This is a bit of a first! Now, lining them up in order…'

  No. This can't be serious. This has to be a mistake.

  The winning lottery numbers cannot possibly be 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 44. That's not a lottery combination, it's a… it's a sick joke.

  And I was winning. I was winning.

  'Look at that!' my mum's saying. 'Absolutely incredible! 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 44.'

  'And why should that be incredible?' replies Dad.

  'It's as likely as any other combination.'

  'It can't be!'

  'Jane, do you know anything about the laws of probability?'

  Quietly I get up and leave the room, as the National Lottery theme tune blares out of the telly. I walk into the kitchen, sit down at the table and bury my head in my hands. I feel slightly shaky, to tell you the truth. I was so convinced I was going to win. I was living in a big house and going on holiday to Barbados with all my friends, and walking into Agnes B and buying anything I wanted. It felt so real.

  And now, instead, I'm sitting in my parents' kitchen, and I can't afford to go on holiday and I've just spent eighty quid on a wooden bowl I don't even like.

  Miserably, I turn on the kettle, pick up a copy of Woman's Journal lying on the counter and flick through it – but even that doesn't cheer me up.

  Everything seems to remind me of money. Maybe my dad's right, I find myself thinking dolefully. Maybe Cut Back is the answer. Suppose… suppose I cut back enough to save sixty quid a week. I'd have ?6,000 in a hundred weeks.

  And suddenly my brain is alert. Six thousand quid. That's not bad, is it? And if you think about it, it can't be that hard to save sixty quid a week. It's only the same as a couple of meals out. I mean, you'd hardly notice it.

  God, yes. That's what I'll do. Sixty quid a week, every week. Maybe I'll even pay it into a special account. It'll be fantastic! I'll be completely on top of my finances – and when I've paid off my bills I'll just keep saving. It'll become a habit to be frugal. Then at the end of every year I'll splash out on one classic investment like an Armani suit. Or maybe Christian Dior. Something really classy, anyway.

  I'll start on Monday, I think excitedly, spooning chocolate Ovaltine into a cup. What I'll do is, I just won't spend anything. All my spare money will mount up, and I'll be rich. This is going to be so great.

  ***

  Brompton's Store

  CUSTOMER ACCOUNTS

  1 Brompton Street

  London SW4 7TH

  Ms Rebecca Bloomwood

  Flat 2

  4 Burney Rd

  London SW6 8FD

  6 March 2000

  Dear Ms Bloomwood

  Thank you for your cheque for ?43.00, received today. Unfortunately, the cheque is unsigned. No doubt just an oversight on your part. I am therefore returning it to you and request that you sign it and return to us.

  As you are no doubt aware, this payment is already late by eight days.

  I look forward to receiving your signed cheque.

  Yours sincerely

  John Hunter

  Customer Accounts Manager

  Five

  Frugality. Simplicity. These are my new watchwords. A new, uncluttered, Zen-like life, in which I spend nothing. Spend nothing. I mean, when you think about it, how much money do we all waste every day? No wonder I'm in a little bit of debt. And really, it's not my fault. I've merely been succumbing to the Western drag of materialism – which you have to have the strength of elephants to resist. At least, that's what it says in my new book.

  You see, yesterday, when Mum and I went into Waterstone's to buy her paperback for the week, I sidled off to the self-help section, and bought the most wonderful book I've ever read. Quite honestly, it's going to change my life. I've got it now, in my bag. It's called Controlling Your Cash by David E. Barton, and it's fantastic. What it says is that we can all fritter away money without realizing it, and that most of us could easily cut our cash consumption by half in just one week.

  In one week!

  You just have to do things like make your own sandwiches instead of eating in restaurants and ride a bike to work instead of taking the tube. When you start thinking about it, you can save money everywhere.

  And as David E. Barton says, there are lots of free pleasures which we forget because we're so busy spending money, like parks and museums and the simple joy of a country walk.

  It's all so easy and straightforward. And the best thing is, you have to start out by going shopping! The book says you should begin itemizing every single purchase in a single normal spending day and plot it on a graph. It stresses that you should be honest and not suddenly curtail or alter your spending pattern – which is lucky, because it's Suze's birthday on Thursday and I've got to get her a present.

  So on Monday morning, I stop off at Lucio's on the way into work and buy an extra large cappuccino and a chocolate muffin, just like I usually do. I have to admit I feel a bit sorrowful as I hand over my money, because this is my last ever cappuccino and my last ever chocolate muffin. My new frugality starts tomorrow – and cappuccinos aren't allowed. David E. Barton says if you have a coffee habit you should make it at home and take it into the office in a flask, and if you like
eating snacks you should buy cheap cakes from the supermarket. 'The coffee merchants are fleecing you for what is little more than hot water and polystyrene,' he points out and I suppose he's right.

  But I will miss my morning cappuccino. Still. I've promised myself I'll follow the rules of the book – and I will.

  As I come out of the coffee shop, clutching my last ever cup, I realize I don't actually have a flask for coffee. But that's OK, I'll buy one. There are some lovely sleek chrome ones in Habitat. Flasks are actually quite trendy these days. I think Alessi might even do one. Wouldn't that be cool? Drinking coffee out of an Alessi flask. Much cooler than a takeaway cappuccino.

  So I'm feeling quite happy as I walk along the street. When I get to Smith's I pop in and stock up on a few magazines to keep me going – and I also buy a sweet little silver notebook and pen to write down everything I spend. I'm going to be really rigorous about this, because David E. Barton says the very act of noting down purchases should have a curtailing effect. So when I get into work, I start my list.

  Cappuccino – ?1.50

  Muffin – ? 1.00

  Notebook – ?3.99

  Pen – ? 1.20

  Magazines – ? 6.40

  Which makes a grand total so far of… ?14.09.

  Gosh. I suppose that's quite a lot, bearing in mind it's only 9.40 in the morning.

  But the notebook and pen don't count, do they? They're like course requirements. I mean, how on earth are you supposed to note down all your purchases without a notebook and pen? So I subtract both of those, and now my total comes to… ?8.90. Which is much better.

  Anyway, I'm at work now. I probably won't spend anything else all day.

  Oh God, though. Somehow, spending nothing is absolutely impossible. First of all, Guy from Accounts comes round with yet another leaving present to give to. Then I have to go out and get some lunch. I'm very restrained with my sandwich – I choose egg and cress, which is the cheapest one at Boots, and I don't even like egg and cress.