The Secret Dreamworld of a Shopaholic

by Sophie Kinsella

  I almost feel shaky as I stare at the sign. It's as though lightning has struck, or something. Why on earth haven't I thought of this before? It's pure genius. I'll get a Saturday job! I'll work in a clothes shop! That way, I'll make loads of extra money and I'll get a discount on all the clothes! And let's face it, working in a shop has got to be easier than becoming a fund manager, hasn't it? All you do is stand around and say 'Can I help you?' In fact, it'll be fun, because I can choose all my own clothes as I help the customers. I'll actually be getting paid to go shopping!

  This is bloody fantastic, I think, striding into the shop with a friendly smile on my face. I knew something good was going to happen today. I just had a feeling about it.

  Half an hour later, I come out with an even bigger smile on my face. I've got a job! I've got a Saturday job! I'm going to work from 8.30 to 5.30 every Saturday, and get ?4.80 an hour, and 10 per cent off all the clothes! And after three months, it goes up to 20 per cent! All my money troubles are over.

  Thank God it was a quiet afternoon. They let me fill in the application form on the spot, and Danielle, the manager, gave me an interview straight away. At first she looked a bit dubious – especially when I said I had a full-time job as a financial journalist and was doing this to get extra money and clothes. 'It'll be hard work,' she kept saying. 'You do realize that? It'll be very hard work.' But I think what changed her mind was when we started talking about the stock. I love Ally Smith stuff – so of course I knew the price of every single item in the shop and whether they have anything similar in Jigsaw or French Connection.

  Eventually Danielle gave me a funny look and said, 'Well, you obviously like clothes.' And then she gave me the job! I can't wait. I start this Saturday. Isn't it great?

  As I arrive back at the office I feel exhilarated with my success. I look around – and suddenly this mundane office life seems far too boring and limited for a creative spirit like mine. I don't belong here, among fusty piles of press releases and grimly tapping computers. I belong out there, among the bright spotlights and cashmere cardigans of Ally Smith. Maybe I'll go into retail full time, I think, as I sit back down at my desk. Maybe I'll start my own chain of designer stores!

  God, yes. I'll be one of those people featured in articles about incredibly successful entrepreneurs. 'Becky Bloomwood was working as a financial journalist when she devised the innovative concept of Bloomwood Stores. Now a successful chain around the country, the idea came to her one day as she…'

  The phone rings and I pick it up.

  'Yes?' I say absently. 'Rebecca Bloomwood here.' I nearly add, 'Of Bloomwood Stores', but maybe that's a tad premature.

  'Ms Bloomwood, this is Derek Smeath from Endwich Bank.'

  What? I'm so shocked, I drop the phone onto my desk with a clatter and have to scrabble around to pick it up. All the while, my heart's thumping like a rabbit. How does Derek Smeath know where I work? How did he get my number?

  'Are you OK?' says Clare Edwards curiously.

  'Yes,' I gulp. 'Yes, fine.'

  And now she's looking at me. Now I can't just put the phone down and pretend it was a wrong number. I've got to talk to him. OK, what I'll do is be really brisk and cheerful and try and get rid of him as quickly as possible.

  'Hi!' I say into the phone. 'Sorry about that! The thing is, I was just a bit busy with something else. You know how it is!'

  'Ms Bloomwood, I've written you several letters,' says Derek Smeath. 'And to none of them have I had a satisfactory response.'

  In spite of myself, I can feel my cheeks colouring. Oh God, he sounds really cross. This is horrible. What right has he got.to come along and spoil my day?

  'I've been very busy, I'm afraid,' I say. 'My… my aunt was very ill. I had to go and be with her. You understand.'

  'I see,' he says. 'Nevertheless…'

  'And then she died,' I add.

  'I'm sorry to hear that,' says Derek Smeath. He doesn't sound sorry. 'But that doesn't alter the fact that your current account stands at a balance of…'

  Has this man got no heart? As he starts talking about balances and overdrafts and agreements, I deliberately tune out so I don't hear anything that will upset me. I'm staring at the fake-wood grain on my desk, wondering if I could pretend to drop the receiver accidentally back down onto the phone. Oh God, this is awful. What am I going to do? What am I going to do?

  'And if the situation is not resolved,' he's saying sternly, 'I'm afraid I will be forced to-'

  'It's OK,' I hear myself interrupting. 'It's OK, because… I'm coming into some money soon.' Even as I say the words, I feel my cheeks flame guiltily. But I mean, what else am I supposed to do? I have to say some thing, otherwise he'll never leave me alone.

  'Oh yes?'

  'Yes,' I say, and swallow. 'The thing is, my… my aunt left me some money in her will.'

  Which is kind of almost true. I mean, obviously Aunt Ermintrude would have left me some money. After all, I was her favourite niece, wasn't I? Did anyone else buy her Denny and George scarves? 'I'll get it in a couple of weeks,' I add, for good measure. 'A thousand pounds.'

  Then I realize I should have made it ?10,000 – that would have really impressed him. Oh well, too late now.

  'You're saying that in two weeks' time you'll be paying a cheque for ?1,000 into your account,' says Derek Smeath.

  'Erm… yes,' I say after a pause. 'I suppose I am.'

  'I'm glad to hear it,' he says. 'I've made a note of our conversation, Ms Bloomwood, and I'll be expecting the arrival of ?1,000 into your account on Monday, 27 March.'

  'Good,' I say boldly. 'Is that it?'

  'For the moment. Goodbye, Ms Bloomwood.'

  'Goodbye,' I say, and put the phone down.

  Thank God. Got rid of him.

  ***

  Brompton's Store

  CUSTOMER ACCOUNTS

  1 Brompton Street

  London SW4 7TH

  Ms Rebecca Bloomwood

  Flat 2

  4 Burney Rd

  London SW6 8FD

  10 March 2000

  Dear Ms Bloomwood

  Thank you for your prompt return of a signed cheque for ?43.

  Unfortunately, although this cheque is signed, it appears to be dated 14 February 2200. No doubt just an oversight on your part.

  Brompton's Store cannot accept post-dated cheques as payment, and I am therefore returning it to you with the request that you return to us a signed cheque, dated with the date of signature.

  Alternatively you can pay by cash or on the enclosed bank giro credit slip. A leaflet is enclosed for your information.

  I look forward to receiving your payment.

  Yours sincerely

  John Hunter

  Customer Accounts Manager

  Nine

  When I get home that night, there's a pile of post in the hall for me – but I ignore it because my package from Fine Frames has arrived! It cost me ?100 to buy, which I suppose is quite expensive, but apparently it will give you a return of ?300 in only a few hours. Inside the package there's a leaflet full of photographs of people who make fortunes from doing Fine Frames – and some of them make a hundred thousand a year! It makes me wonder what I'm doing, being a journalist. So after supper, I sit down in front of EastEnders and open the kit. Suze is out tonight, so it's nice and easy to concentrate.

  'Welcome to the best-kept secret in Britain…' says the leaflet. 'The Fine Frames home-working family! Join other members and earn ??? in the comfort of your own home. Our easy-to-follow instructions will aid you as you embark on the biggest moneymaking enterprise of your life. Perhaps you will use your earnings to buy a car, or a boat – or to treat someone special. And remember – the amount you earn is completely up to you!'.

  I'm utterly gripped. Why on earth haven't I done this before? This is a fantastic scheme! I'll work incredibly hard for two weeks, then pay off all my debts, go on holiday, buy loads of new clothes. God, I can't wait.

  I start ripping at t
he packaging, and suddenly a pile of fabric strips falls onto the floor. Some are plain, and some are a flowered pattern. It's a pretty hideous pattern actually – but then, who cares? My job is just to make the frames and collect the money. I reach for the instructions and find them under a load of cardboard pieces. And sure enough, they're incredibly simple.

  What you have to do is glue wadding onto the cardboard flame, put the fabric over the top for that luxury upholstered effect, then glue braid along the back to hide the join. And that's it! It's completely simple and you get ?2 a flame. There are 150 in the package – so if I do thirty a night for a week I'll have made three hundred quid just like that in my spare time!

  OK, let's get started. Frame, wadding, glue, fabric, braid.

  Oh God. Oh God. Who designed these bloody things? There just isn't enough fabric to fit over the frame and the wadding. Or at least you have to stretch it really hard – and it's such flimsy fabric, it rips. I've got glue on the carpet, and I've bent two of the cardboard frames from pulling them, and the only frame I've actually completed looks really wonky. And I've been doing it for…

  I yawn, look at the time and feel a jolt of shock. It's 11.30, which means I've been working for three hours. And in that time I've made one dodgy-looking frame which I'm not sure they'll accept, and ruined two. I hate the sight of the bloody things. What do people want stupid upholstered photo flames for, anyway?

  At that moment the door opens and Suze is back.

  'Hi!' she says, coming into the sitting room. 'Nice evening?'

  'Not really,' I begin disgruntledly. 'I've been making these things…'

  'Well, never mind,' she says dramatically. 'Because guess what? You've got a secret admirer.'

  'What?' I say, startled.

  'Someone really likes you,' she says, taking off her coat. 'I heard it tonight. You'll never guess who!'

  Luke Brandon pops into my mind before I can stop it. How ridiculous. And how would Suze have found that out, anyway? Stupid idea. Very stupid. Impossible.

  She could have bumped into him at the cinema, whispers my brain. She does know him after all, doesn't she? And he could have said…

  'It's my cousin!' she says triumphantly. 'Tarquin. He really likes you.'

  Oh for God's sake.

  'He's got this secret little crush on you,' she continues happily. 'In fact, he's had one ever since he met you!'

  'It's not that secret…' I begin sarcastically – then, as Suze looks up in surprise, I stop. After all, I don't want to hurt her feelings.

  'So you already know about it?' she says.

  'Well,' I say and shrug. What can I say? I can't tell her that her beloved cousin gives me the creeps. So instead I start to pick at the fabric on the photo frame in front of me, and a delighted smile spreads over Suze's face.

  'He's really keen on you!' she says. 'I said he should just ring you and ask you out. You wouldn't mind, would you?'

  'Of course not,' I say feebly.

  'Wouldn't that be great?' said Suze. 'If you two got married. I could be bridesmaid!'

  'Yes,' I say, and force myself to smile brightly. 'Lovely.'

  What I'll do, I think, is agree to a date just to be polite – and then cancel at the last moment. And hopefully Tarquin'll have to go back to Scotland or something, and we can forget all about it.

  But to be honest, I could really do without it. Now I've got two reasons to dread the phone, ringing. However, to my relief, Saturday arrives and I haven't heard a word from Tarquin. Or Derek Smeath.

  Everyone's finally leaving me alone to get on with my life

  On the slightly more negative side, I was planning to make 150 frames this week – but so far I've only made three, and none of them looks like the one in the picture.

  One doesn't have enough wadding in it, one doesn't quite meet at the corner, and the third has got a smear of glue on the front, which hasn't come off. I just can't understand why I'm finding it so difficult. Some people make hundreds of these things every week, without any effort. Mrs S. of Ruislip even takes her family on a cruise every year on her earnings. How come they can do it and I can't? It's really depressing. I mean, I'm supposed to be bright, aren't I? I've got a degree, for God's sake.

  Still, never mind, I tell myself. It's my new job at Ally Smith today – so at least I'll be earning some extra money there.

  I'm quite excited about it. Here starts a whole new career in fashion! I spend a long time choosing a cool outfit to wear on my first day – and eventually settle on black trousers from Jigsaw, a little cashmere (well, half cashmere) T-shirt and a pink wrap-around top which actually came from Ally Smith.

  I'm quite pleased with the way I look, and am expecting Danielle to make some appreciative comment when I arrive at the shop, but she doesn't even seem to notice. She just says, 'Hi. The trousers and T shirts are in the stock room. Pick out your size and change in the cubicle.'

  Oh right. Now I come to think-of it, all the assistants at Ally Smith do wear the same outfits. Almost like a… well, a uniform, I suppose. Reluctantly I get changed and look at myself– and, to tell you the truth, I'm disappointed. These grey trousers don't really flatter me, and the T-shirt's just plain boring. I'm almost tempted to ask Danielle if I can pick out another outfit to wear – but she seems a bit busy, so I don't.

  Maybe next week I'll have a little word.

  But even though I don't like the outfit, I still feel a frisson of excitement as I come out onto the shop floor.

  The spotlights are shining brightly; the floor's all shiny and polished; music's playing and there's a sense of anticipation in the air. It's almost like being a performer.

  I glance at myself in a mirror and murmur,

  'How can I help you?' Or maybe it should be, 'Can I help you?' I'm going to be the most charming shop assistant ever, I decide. People will come here just to be assisted by me, and I'll have a fantastic rapport with all the customers. And then I'll appear in the Evening Standard in some quirky column about favourite shops. Perhaps I'll even get my own TV show.

  No-one's told me what to do yet, so – using my initiative, very good – I walk up to a woman with blond hair, who's tapping away at the till, and say, 'Shall I have a quick go?'

  'What?' she says, not looking up.

  'I'd better learn how to work the till, hadn't I? Before all the customers arrive?'

  Then the woman does look up and, to my surprise, bursts into laughter.

  'On the till? You think you're going to go straight onto the till?'

  'Oh,' I say, blushing a little. 'Well I thought…

  'You're a beginner, darling,' she says. 'You're not going near the till. Go with Kelly. She'll show you what you'll be doing today.'

  Folding jumpers. Folding bloody jumpers. That's what I'm here to do. Rush round after customers who have picked up cardigans and left them all crumpled, and fold them back up again. By eleven o'clock I'm absolutely exhausted – and, to be honest, not enjoying myself very much at all. Do you know how depressing it is to fold a cardigan in exactly the right Ally Smith way and put it back on the shelf, all neatly lined up just to see someone casually pull it down again, look at it, pull a face and discard it? You want to scream at them, LEAVE IT ALONE IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BUY IT! I watched one girl even pick up a cardigan identical to the one she already had on! I mean, what is her problem?

  And I'm not getting to chat to the customers, either. It's as if they see through you when you're a shop assistant. No-one's asked me a single interesting question like 'Does this shirt go with these shoes?' or 'Where can I find a really nice black skirt under ?60?' I'd love to answer stuff like that. But the only questions I've been asked are, 'Is there a loo?' and 'Where's the nearest Midland cashpoint?' I haven't built up a single rapport with anyone.

  Oh, it's depressing. The only thing that keeps me going is an end-of-stock reduced rack at the back of the shop. I keep sidling towards it and looking at a pair of zebra-print jeans, reduced from ?180 to ?90. I remember tho
se jeans. I've even tried them on. And here they are, out of the blue – reduced. I just can't keep my eyes off them. They're even in size 12. My size.

  I mean, I know I'm not really supposed to be spending money – but this is a complete one-off. They're the coolest jeans you've ever seen. And ?90 is nothing for a pair of really good jeans. If you were in Gucci, you'd be paying at least ?500. Oh God, I want them. I want them.

  I'm just loitering at the back, eyeing them up for the hundredth time when Danielle comes striding up and I jump guiltily. But all she says is, 'Can you go on to fitting-room duty now? Sarah'll show you the ropes.'

  No more folding jumpers! Thank God!

  To my relief, this fitting-room lark is a lot more fun. Ally Smith has really nice fitting-rooms, with lots of space and individual cubicles, and my job is to stand at the entrance and check how many items people are taking in with them. It's really interesting to see what people are trying on. One girl's buying loads of stuff, and keeps saying how her boyfriend told her to go mad for her birthday, and he would pay.

  Huh. Well, it's all right for some. Still, never mind, at least I'm earning money. It's 11.30, which means I've earned… ?14.40 so far. Well, that's not bad, is it? I could get some nice makeup for that.

  Except that I'm not going to waste this money on makeup. Of course not – I mean that's not why I'm here, is it? I'm going to be really sensible. What I'm going to do is buy the zebra-print jeans – just because they're a one-off and it would be a crime not to – and then put all the rest towards my bank balance. I just can't wait to put them on. I get a break at 2.30, so what I'll do is nip to the reduced rail and take them to the staff room, just to make sure they fit, and…

  Suddenly my face freezes. Hang on.

  Hang on a moment. What's that girl holding over her arm? She's holding my zebra-print jeans! She's coming towards the fitting rooms. Oh my God. She wants to try them on. But they're mine!