Ruined

by Jackie Ashenden

  A choked sound escaped me as his rhythm picked up speed. The hand on my throat tightened, making me short of breath and light-headed.

  But I wasn’t afraid. I would never be afraid of him.

  ‘There’s nothing you can do to push me away,’ I whispered. ‘There’s nothing you can do that I won’t want. There’s no part of me that isn’t yours. And even if you leave me I’ll still be here for you. I’ll always be here for you.’

  ‘Don’t say that.’

  The raw anguish in his voice made my heart clench tight.

  ‘Don’t say that. Please.’

  He thrust harder, faster, moving the hand around my throat down between my legs, his wicked fingers finding my clit, stroking me firmly, making the words mixed up in my head and my thighs shake. Making me pant like a dog as the orgasm rushed towards me and then crashed over my head, screaming Smoke’s name as I came.

  His thrusts became wild, and then he slammed into me one last time, his teeth sinking into my shoulder as he came, too, the raw sound he made loud in my ear.

  I was too dazed to move for long moments after that, content to stand there with the heat of his rock-hard body at my back and the warmth of his breath against my nape.

  But then I remembered what he’d been going to do and I squirmed, making him drop the hand with my leg hooked over it so I could stand. I turned, pushing at him because he was leaning heavily against me, wanting to see his face. Wanting to kiss him. Wanting to hold on to him before he tried to leave again.

  His dark eyes met mine and for one long, aching second I thought I’d won. Then he looked away and I knew I hadn’t won after all. I’d lost.

  Despair opened up inside me and I reached for him. But he’d already pushed himself away, stumbling back as he adjusted his clothing. His face was a mask, unyielding as stone.

  But I wasn’t stone. I was nothing but exposed nerve endings.

  ‘Don’t go.’

  I couldn’t hide my desperation. If I’d had the strength, I would have tried to grab hold of him, but the wall was the only thing holding me up.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ he said emotionlessly, turning away and reaching for his bag.

  ‘You said you’d never leave me.’ The pain was sharp in my voice, but I didn’t care. ‘You said you’d always be there for me.’

  ‘Yeah.’

  He headed towards the door and didn’t stop.

  ‘I lied.’

  Then he was gone.

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  Smoke

  I RODE BACK to the clubhouse on autopilot, parking my bike and ignoring whatever the prospect at the door said to me as I strode inside.

  I was vaguely surprised that I wasn’t trailing blood everywhere, because it sure felt like I was bleeding to death. Like my heart had been ripped from my chest and all that was left was a bloody hole.

  My head was full of Cat, full of the wet grip of her pussy around my cock, the soft give of her body as I shoved her against the wall. Full of the rapid beat of her pulse as I put my hand on her throat.

  Full of her voice telling me she loved me. That she’d never leave me.

  I’d been shot once or twice before, and that was nothing compared to the agony I was feeling now. Walking out through that door had been like ripping myself in two.

  But what else could I do?

  She hadn’t listened to me—hadn’t done anything but relax into me as I’d torn her clothing and nearly choked her. As I fucked her hard and deep against the wall. I wanted her angry, wanted her fighting me, but she wasn’t and didn’t.

  She just...gave me everything.

  And you flung it back in her face.

  Ignoring the sound of my stupid damn conscience, I headed straight for Keep’s office for the third time that day. Brothers nodded to me, saying, ‘hey’, but I ignored them, too. I didn’t have the time or the patience for meaningless fucking chitchat.

  ‘Jesus Christ,’ Keep said as I entered the office without knocking, coming to stand in front of his desk. ‘What the fuck is it this time?’

  I put my hands in my pockets and came straight out with it. ‘I beat up Justin Grant. Smashed his pussy-ass face in. So now he’s going to press charges. I just want you to know that I’ll take full responsibility and that—’

  ‘Shut the fuck up,’ Keep snapped, glaring at me. ‘Again. From the top.’

  I gritted my teeth, violence simmering inside me, itching to get out.

  ‘That bullshit call from the chief? It originated from Justin. He wanted me out of the house, so he could get to Cat. That’s what I found when I got back home. Him with his hands all over her.’ My rage boiled over. ‘So I taught him a fucking lesson about not touching what’s mine.’

  Keep sat slowly back in his chair, his gaze sharp. ‘You couldn’t have kept better control of yourself?’

  My jaw ached, every muscle in my body tight. ‘Funnily enough, when he was tearing her clothes and hurting her, controlling myself wasn’t uppermost in my fucking mind.’

  Keep said nothing, continuing to stare at me.

  ‘Like I said,’ I went on, since it didn’t look like he was going to break the silence, ‘the asshole’s going to press charges and he’ll sure as hell make sure Cat won’t get custody of Annie. So I’m here to tell you she’s not my old lady any more and to that I’ll plead guilty. I’ll do the time.’

  Keep scowled. ‘What do you mean she’s not your old lady any more?’

  ‘I can’t stay with her. Being with me is only going to hurt her.’

  There was a dull throbbing in my chest—a low-level pain that wasn’t ever going to go away.

  ‘I only made her mine because I wanted the club to protect her anyway.’

  Keep snorted. ‘What a fucking load of bullshit. You made her your old lady because you’re in love with her—everyone knows that.’

  That word. Christ, why did everyone keep saying that word?

  ‘It’s not like that. It was fake. It was supposed to protect her and—’

  ‘Yeah, and that’s bullshit, too. You’ve been in love with that girl for as long as I’ve known you, and that’s a fuck of a long time. And she loves you, too. Jesus, the way she looked at you at the party that night, it was written all over her face.’

  I said nothing, every part of me tense with denial.

  My uncle shook his head slowly. ‘You fucking idiot. Why did you leave her? And don’t give me that shit about protecting her.’

  ‘I had to.’ I could feel a muscle jumping in the side of my jaw. ‘I nearly beat to death the father of her child. What kind of role model does that make me for Annie? Fuck’s sake, Keep. Cat already ditched one violent asshole—she doesn’t need another.’

  Again, Keep stayed silent. Then, after a while, he said, ‘You’re a lot of things, Smoke. But I didn’t think being a little bitch was one of them.’

  My hands clenched into fists in the pockets of jeans, rage surging through me. ‘Sorry, Keep, but you say that again and, president or not, I’ll smash your goddamn face in.’

  The bastard just laughed.

  ‘Oh, come on. Admit it. You’re not leaving Cat to protect her. You’re leaving her to protect your own worthless hide.’

  The ground felt suddenly uneven under my feet, my gut lurching.

  It’s true. You know it’s true.

  No, it couldn’t be. I wasn’t that much of a fucking coward, was I?

  Keep cocked his head. ‘What are you so afraid of? What do you think she’s going to do? Leave you? She’s been your friend for years. She knows all your skeletons and yet she’s still here.’

  ‘How can I be with her?’

  I hadn’t meant to say it, but it came out all the same, raw as a gunshot wound.

  ‘I killed your fucking brother and I nearly killed Grant. I’m no good, Keep
. You know it. I know it. Cat needs to know it, too.’

  ‘And you’re full of it. David earned his death and I don’t blame you for it—you know that. All I know about Cat is that you’ve been a good friend to her for over twenty years. You love her, and you love her kid, too, and I know you’d die to protect the both of them. What more needs to be said?’

  He paused.

  ‘Whether she wants to be with you or not is her decision, and if she wants you—well, shit... Who are you to tell her she’s wrong? And don’t give me that crap about not loving her. Giving her up is killing you. I can see it in your face.’

  My jaw ached—everything fucking ached.

  ‘I don’t deserve her.’ My voice didn’t even sound like mine. ‘She’s...everything I’m not.’

  Keep sat forward and leaned his elbows on his desk. ‘Of course you don’t deserve her. That’s why you’re gonna spend every goddamn minute of your life making sure you do.’

  I stared at him. My uncle, my president. The man who’d been more of a father to me than my own dad ever had been.

  ‘It’s not just Cat.’ The words were as rusty as old nails. ‘I screwed up with the club, too.’

  Keep’s blue eyes were very direct. ‘What the fuck kind of club do you think I run? Think I’d let a piece of shit like Justin Grant take a good brother down?’ One corner of his mouth tilted up. ‘I’ve got your back, Smoke. You should know that.’

  The raw, aching wound in my chest throbbed. ‘What I did is going to make—’

  ‘Leave me to deal with the club. You go deal with your woman. And for fuck’s sake do it quickly—because I can only imagine what your drama’s doing to her right now.’

  I couldn’t move—just stood there frozen.

  Of course the club had my back, and so did Keep. How had I forgotten that?

  Like you forgot Cat had your back, too. She always did.

  A hot, painful feeling shifted inside me. Shame. Remorse. For the way I’d walked out on her. For forgetting everything she’d done for me. For forgetting twenty-three fucking years of friendship.

  Twenty-three fucking years of love.

  Keep was right. I did love her. I loved her with everything in me. And I’d been as big a pussy as Justin to leave her the way I did. Because I was scared of how much I wanted her. Of how much she meant to me. Horribly afraid I wasn’t worthy of her and never would be.

  Except there was no reason for me to be such a goddamn coward. Cat had never rejected me—not once. Not even in the terrible aftermath of Dad’s death. Every single time she’d been there for me when I needed her. Without judgement. Without criticism.

  She loved me.

  ‘Even if you leave me, I’ll still be here for you. I’ll always be here for you...’

  Her voice echoed in my head and the pain was more than I could bear.

  ‘Thanks, Keep,’ I said hoarsely. ‘I got to go.’

  Keep sighed. ‘About fucking time.’

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  Cat

  I PICKED ANNIE up from the sitter and brought her home, gave her dinner and a bath, tucked her into bed, trying to act like nothing was wrong. Like I didn’t have an empty hole in the centre of my chest where Smoke had ripped out my heart and flung it onto the floor, grinding it into nothing under his heel.

  I didn’t know how I was going to manage without him in my life. He’d been my friend for so long that I couldn’t imagine him not being there. And the past couple of weeks, when he’d been more than just a friend... God, thinking about them only made the loss more painful.

  I loved him, but for some reason that wasn’t enough, and now he’d gone.

  Once again I’d lost everything.

  It hurt so much.

  I knew eventually I’d pull myself up and start again, like I always did. Find my feet and get my life back together again. Figure out what I was going to do about Justin—all that shit. But right now it felt like it was all too much.

  Right now all I wanted to do was cry.

  I sat on the couch with a pillow in the time-honoured fashion, curling around my pain. And then I saw the ring box sitting on the coffee table, and that sank the knife even deeper into what remained of my heart.

  It was all I had left of him, that ring. He’d taken everything else.

  I reached for the box, opened it and looked down at the little cat face with its glowing green eyes. It was perfect. So perfect.

  A tear slid down my nose, splashing on top of the silver band, making the eyes sparkle.

  Had my taking it off pushed him over the edge? Was that why he’d walked away? Perhaps if I’d left it on, everything would have been different and I wouldn’t be sitting here, sobbing on my couch with my heart in pieces.

  The sound of the front door’s handle turning came suddenly from out in the hallway and my whole body went cold. No one but me had a key, and unless Justin had somehow managed to—

  The living room door slammed open, bouncing on its hinges. Smoke stood in the doorway.

  And I found there must be something left of my heart after all, because it was racing and throbbing and hurting. And my body wasn’t cold any more, but burning hot.

  Smoke’s dark gaze found mine, and the look on his face was searing in its intensity.

  I opened my mouth to say something, though I had no idea what.

  I never got the chance. Because Smoke strode over to where I sat and before I even understood what he intended to do he swept me up into his arms, and his mouth was coming down on mine.

  It was a hungry, desperate, demanding kiss. It was hot and it was raw, and when I tried to pull away, he gripped me hard, holding me still. Kissing me and kissing me and kissing me, as if he was afraid to stop.

  All I could do was let him devour me, with my hands pinned to the hard wall of his chest, feeling the frantic beating of his heart against my palms matching my own.

  It felt like forever before he finally lifted his head, staring down at me with those familiar dark eyes. Full of heat. Full of desire.

  ‘I was such a fucking coward, Cat,’ he said hoarsely. ‘I should never have walked out on you. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry for not listening to you. I’m sorry for turning my back on you.’

  He lifted his hands, cupping my face, his thumbs stroking lightly along the side of my jaw, making me shiver. Making me tremble.

  ‘But most of all I’m sorry for being such a little bitch and not telling you how I feel.’

  I couldn’t speak. My throat was too tight—every part of my body was too tight. I didn’t want to move in case this was a dream and he’d vanish, leaving me being held by nothing but empty air.

  ‘I thought I was protecting you,’ he went on, his voice dark and ragged. ‘But I wasn’t, kitten. The only person I was protecting was myself. Keep put me straight about a few things and that was one of them.’

  ‘Why?’ I finally managed to ask shakily. ‘What did you need to protect yourself from?’

  ‘What do you think?’

  He looked down at me as if I was the only thing worth looking at in the entire universe.

  ‘I was protecting myself from you.’

  I stared at him in shock. ‘Me?’

  ‘There’s no one on this entire planet who has more power to hurt me than you do. You could fucking destroy me with a snap of your fingers.’

  His thumbs moved over my skin, a gentle back-and-forth movement, raising goosebumps everywhere.

  ‘I’ve loved you for so long. So fucking long. And then Justin made me lose it, and... Well, I guess I was looking for an excuse to run the hell away. I’m not worthy of you, kitten. You’re the most perfect woman I’ve ever met and I’m just a violent biker with a temper and a really shitty past.’

  I swallowed, trying to get past the lump in my throat. �
�So why did you come back?’

  ‘Because you were always there for me. Because you never let me down. You had my back, Cat. You always had my back. And I thought that if you’d stuck around for twenty-three years, it must be because I wasn’t such a lost cause after all.’

  That beautiful mouth turned up into one of his rare, heart-stopping smiles.

  ‘Plus, Keep said he was going to kick my ass if I didn’t come straight back here and make it right with you.’

  I took a shaking breath. ‘Wait... You said you love me.’

  ‘I did. I do. And no, before you say it, it’s not because you want to hear the words. It’s because that’s what I feel every time I look at you.’ His smile deepened. ‘Turns out love does mean something after all.’

  It was only then that I had the courage to lift my hands from his chest and touch his face, run my fingers over the rough stubble along his jaw, check that he was real and this wasn’t a dream.

  ‘You know you don’t have to deserve me, don’t you? You only need to keep doing what you’ve always been doing. Being my friend.’

  Something in his eyes flared hot. ‘Oh, kitten. I’m sorry, but I don’t want to be your friend any more.’

  ‘Then don’t be,’ I murmured and slid my arms around his neck. ‘Be my husband instead.’

  Much, much later, as we lay naked on the floor of the living room together, our skin streaked with sweat and our bodies sated, Smoke opened the ring box and took out the ring. Then he held my hand in his and looked into my eyes.

  When he slipped the ring onto my finger, he didn’t ask me to marry him. Instead, he asked, ‘Will you love me, Cat?’

  I didn’t need to answer. He knew what I was going to say. But I answered him all the same.

  ‘Always, Dane. With all my heart.’

  EPILOGUE

  Smoke

  I DON’T KNOW how Keep did it in the end, but he got Justin to drop the charges. The prick also dropped his custody suit, leaving me free to adopt Annie. Which I did the first moment I could.

  It turned out Cat did want to walk up the aisle in a white dress—and with a goddamn bridesmaid. I could hardly refuse, especially since I’d promised her she could. We even had a flower girl—a job Annie took very seriously.