A Mother's Sin

by Mia Henry

  ‘O, must be about the medication I need to collect’, Ella responded.

  Ella called the gynae.

  ‘Where have you been? I have been trying to call you all day. Hope you sitting down’, he chuckled.

  ‘Why’, Ella quipped.

  ‘Because you are pregnant!’

  There was deadly silence before an outburst of laughter, then quickly followed by tears. Her reaction to the news was one of shock and disbelief, considering how she had battled to conceive in the last couple of years. She felt totally overwhelmed at the thought of another baby when her baby was only three months old. Still bewildered and confused she called Rob. As soon as she heard Rob’s voice, she burst into tears.

  ‘What’s wrong?’ asked Rob.

  From tears to a sudden chuckle, her voice tremulous, she blurted, ‘I’m pregnant!’

  The silence was only momentarily, broken by Rob’s spontaneous and hearty laughter.

  ‘We were expecting twins, remember?’ chuckled Rob, ‘just a delay in the process.’

  Relieved that Rob had taken the news so well, Ella was now mostly psyched with the news, but nonetheless still overwhelmed.

  The new pregnancy went well despite having to deal with some anxious moments with Tammy and her health. It saddened Ella that her unborn baby had to be subjected to the endless anxious moments that she had to go through. Although the stakes were high, and with Ella’s history of past tragedies, she would try hard to not allow her painful panics to spoil a calm and peaceful environment for Tammy, as well as trying to remain calm for the well being of her unborn child. It was intensely challenging, but she believed that by forcing herself into a more relaxed mental space instead of waiting-for-the-worst-to-happen mode, would be a lot better and healthier for her babies. She refused to treat Tammy as an ailing baby, which became evident in Tammy’s fighting spirit, as she grew older.

  At nine months, Tammy had her first surgical procedure to correct her facial defects. It was done at a small exclusive plastic surgery facility in Cape Town by one of the countries top renowned plastic surgeons. Being the only baby with a mop of golden curls and with her friendly and jolly disposition she was the delight of staff and patients alike.

  ‘The operation went well,’ reported the surgeon, ‘although at times we did battle with her oxygen saturation levels.’

  Tammy recovered quickly and only a few hours after the op, as if nothing had happened, she was babbling and giggling and speeding rapidly in her walker, exploring the wards. There was lots of cooing, baby talk and playing peek-a-boo.

  ‘A breathe of fresh air having a baby here,’ the nurses said.

  Shortly after returning home, Tammy needed to see the cardiologist for her nine-month check up. Not long into the echocardiogram examination, the cardiologist matter-of-factly says, ‘I think we have missed the boat here.’ He was not liking what he was seeing.

  Ella noticed Rob’s mouth widen slightly, he gulped, the color draining from his face as he stared at the monitor. Ella knew it couldn’t be good news but she was not too sure what was going on.

  A very subdued cardiologist tersely stated, ‘We need to arrange an angiogram to determine the extent of the pulmonary pressure.’ That would mean injecting a contrast iodine dye into the arteries whilst x-rays are taken.

  Once Rob, Ella and Tammy left the cardiologist’s rooms, Rob explained in detail the impact of what had transpired in that examination room.

  ‘He basically misdiagnosed Tammy at birth, thinking it was a septal defect, an abnormal opening in the heart’s septum, the wall between the heart’s left and right side. Sometimes with time this condition corrects itself, if not, then surgery is performed,’ said Rob.

  ‘Yes, I remember him saying when she was born and at her three month check up, that if it didn’t close on its own then she would require surgery at about five years of age,’ Ella responded.

  ‘Well, there is no septal defect, but she has developed severe pulmonary hypertension. The angiogram will show more, but it basically means a death sentence,’ Robs says softly, almost not wanting to be heard. ‘It also explains why the plastic surgeon battled with her oxygen during the op,’ he further added.

  Ella felt her anger rising. ‘Could this really be happening?’

  ‘What the hell did he mean by we missed the boat?’ blurted Ella. ‘He’s the bloody cardiologist! He missed the bloody boat! And by doing so he has sentenced our baby to death!’ cried Ella, now sobbing and battling to even sound coherent. ‘I remember clearly him being puzzled about something at her three month check! Why did he not bloody well investigate then? Why did he wait another six months?’ Ella, still crying and taking her anger out on Rob.

  Rob could feel the sickening dread concerning his daughter’s future take on a dark hue. What more awaited them all?

  Ella was now six months pregnant and felt like her world was once again falling apart. To be going through this trauma was also so unfair to her unborn child. ‘Why is God punishing me like this?’ she would question time and time again.

  ‘Is there nothing that can be done?’ Ella asked Rob, still crying inconsolably.

  Looking bleak and saddened Rob responded, ‘we need to look into it. There is the possibility of a heart-lung transplant, but unfortunately, the outcome of lung transplantation is not that great! Let’s get the angiogram done and we can decide from there.’

  Once again devastated and broken Ella immediately started doing research on pulmonary hypertension and lung transplantation. It was all very daunting, but she was willing to sell everything in the pursuit to be able to give her baby the best chance. She needed to stay strong for the sake of her unborn child yet it was impossible to get rid of the heavy ache that pounded her heart.

  The angiogram confirmed the worst fears and identified an aortopulmonary window, as the cause for the severe pulmonary hypertension. It is a rare heart defect in which there is a hole connecting the major artery taking blood from the heart to the body and the one taking blood from the heart to the lungs. This defect would have been present at birth. Proper investigation, diagnosis and surgical treatment might have prevented the pulmonary damage by closing the hole soon after she was born.

  Ella remained bitterly angry with the cardiologist. Rob felt sad. He knew enough by now, though young doctor he was, to realize that accurate diagnosis in medicine could be a real challenge.

  Ella immediately started working on finding out as to who were the best pulmonary specialists in the world. There was no Internet or Emails, so letters had to be written and phone calls made. Contacts were made in different countries and Ella developed a plan of action.

  Tammy, despite the severity of her illness, continued to thrive. Her baby brother, Troy, was born and even though she was only a year old, it was evident that her brain was already wired to nurture and protect. She adored her little brother.

  Ella carried an ache not visible to others. Although she had her hands full with a newborn and a one year old, she doted on her little family.

  Her inner turmoil was compartmentalized to an extent by burying herself with work. With the help of a nanny she was able to continue helping Rob in the business of managing his private family medical practice and thus keeping her mind occupied.

  Rob was also hurting. ‘How do you raise a daughter who seems to have no future?’ He would internally agonize, ‘how do I shield her from this awful reality?’

  Ella’s research on lung pulmonary hypertension and lung transplantation did not stop. She knew they would need to take Tammy to the best in the world. They could not afford to embark on a trip of that nature unless they sold their house. Property was not easy to sell due to the political turbulence in the country at the time.

  Eventually the house was sold and just before Tammy turned four they embarked on a world trip visiting the best centers and the most renowned pulmonary spe
cialists in the world. The trip would be demanding, so they chose to not take Troy along. Linda and her husband Ken moved into Rob and Ella’s house and they looked after Troy for the weeks that they were overseas.

  Sadly, Troy was quite traumatized by this. Every time he heard an airplane he would stare into the sky. His little mind probably wondering why his parents had disappeared. It was also taxing on Ella and Rob to be away from Troy for six long weeks.

  It was September 1994. Tammy had just turned four.

  Days before they were about to embark on their fact-finding mission to visit world renowned pulmonologists, Tammy developed a high temperature. Ella had gone home early after her child minder called to say Tammy was not well. Rob gave her medicines to take with to give to Tammy as soon as she got home.

  Ella was lying on the bed with her, when suddenly Tammy started making a strange noise. When Ella looked at her she had turned all blue. She was unresponsive. Fortunately they always kept oxygen at home so she immediately put Tammy on oxygen and got her into a fetal position, which seemed to help with the blood flow to her heart. She soon regained consciousness after being on the oxygen.

  Ella doesn’t quite know how she managed to think of all the things that needed to be done. She called Rob frantically and he immediately rushed home whilst his staff organized an ambulance.

  By the time Rob and the ambulance arrived she was conscious but extremely lethargic.

  ‘I’m just so glad I was home with her’, said Ella to Rob, still sobbing as they wheeled her into the ambulance. She shuddered at the thought of what could have happened if she hadn’t come home.

  Again Rob felt the sickening dread as he contemplated his daughter’s future. He simply could not discuss it with Ella or anyone else.

  Tammy spent two nights in intensive care. The day after she was discharged they left on their trip. By then she was back to her jolly self again.

  Their first stop would be at the hospital where the very first lung transplant in the UK was performed. Ella had arranged to meet the professor who performed the very first lung transplant at the Harefield Hospital. Then they moved on to Edmonton, Canada, then Vancouver, Los Angeles and finally St Louis, Missouri, one of the world’s top children’s lung centers.

  At the end of their trip, Rob and Ella treated Tammy with a visit to Disney World.

  The outcome of the trip established that Tammy would be eligible for a transplant but only once her life was threatened. The results from lung transplantation were still not favorable so they needed to delay it as long as they possibly could.

  For Ella, at least there was hope. Something could still be done when the need arose.

  Rob knew too much about the realities of medicine to feel genuinely hopeful. He knew that lung transplantation, if she survived it, would only exchange one set of difficult problems with another.

  A year after the trip, Ella fell pregnant again. It was another twin pregnancy and with no fertility treatment.

  It was a difficult pregnancy.

  At twelve weeks she was hospitalized with severe bleeding. She had lost one of the twins. Two weeks later, still in hospital, her drip site got infected and she developed septicemia.

  Nancy arrived to visit Ella at the hospital and found her ghostly white, pale and unresponsive. Nancy rushed to call the registered nurse. Her blood pressure had dropped to 40/30. Ella was immediately transferred to high care.

  When she awoke in the high care ward she vividly recalls having experienced a near death phenomenon. She envisaged travelling down a passageway at an extremely high speed. When she came to the end of the passage she veered to the right where she reached a realm of a bright white radiant light. In a flash she was through the light. On the other side of this bright light was the most serene, beautiful garden, with tall lush emerald green grass swaying in a slight breeze. She could hear the sound of happy little girls playing. In this exquisite garden there was a willow tree and a group of little girls in white dresses floating under the willow tree’s canopy of bright green leaves. She could see another realm, way below, with highways and fast cars buzzing past each other like a swarm of angry hornets. The memory of that experience ended there.

  She was in and out of hospital, as the bleeding would not abate.

  At nineteen weeks she was admitted again and remained in hospital for just over three weeks. An ultrasound during that time confirmed that Ella was carrying a little girl.

  At twenty-two weeks, with her blood count dropping rapidly, her gynae called a meeting with Rob and Ella.

  ‘All this bleeding is now putting your life at risk, Ella. Your blood count has dropped considerably. For your own safety you need to seriously consider terminating the pregnancy,’ urged the gynae, with a heavy sad look in his eyes.

  Ella would not even contemplate it. With tears immediately welling up in her eyes she promptly blurted out, ‘The only time this baby will die, is if I die, and then if I die, please still try and save her!’

  ‘Don’t allow emotions to make the wrong decision, just think about it realistically,’ the gynae continued and appeared a little irritated with Ella’s response.

  Now angry, Ella reiterated, ‘There is nothing to think about. I will not kill my baby!’

  A few days later the bleeding stopped.

  There were no more complications except for going into preterm labor. Amy was born a month early by caesarian section, with her dad assisting the same obstetrician, and the same pediatrician in attendance. The team had never changed. She was strong and healthy and despite being preterm she didn’t even require the use of the incubator.

  Two days after Amy was born and shortly after a feed, whilst Ella was trying to wind her baby, she noticed a bloody froth coming from Amy’s mouth. Ella immediately rang the bell calling for help. She froze.

  ‘Why is my baby bleeding from her mouth?’ asked Ella, hysterical and in tears.

  ‘Just take her away.’ Ella in a state of confused panic thought that if she just stopped loving the baby right there and then she would be spared of all that pain again.

  The pediatrician was phoned immediately and arrived very soon after he was called. It was the same pediatrician since the birth of Tara-Lee so he was well aware of the history. He tried to pacify Ella as much as he could but said that they would run a whole lot of tests and keep a close eye on the baby in the nursery.

  Ella wondered if it could be humanly possible for a mother’s heart to survive much more than what her heart had gone through in a matter of a few years. She was grateful for whatever it was that the pediatrician had prescribed for her to take, in order to calm her down.

  She woke up in a dazed state, with the pediatrician standing next to her, holding Amy.

  ‘Here, your baby was calling for you. She is fine, all her tests are absolutely normal’, he said with a smile.

  He then proceeded to check Ella’s breasts.

  ‘Here’s the problem. You have cracked, bleeding nipples and nothing is stopping this little one from drinking her milk, blood and all’.

  Ella beamed and burst out into tears of pure relief.

  Amy was a couple of months old when Rob and Ella needed to do a follow up visit to the UK with Tammy at the Harefield Hospital. This time they took Troy along and ended their trip with a visit to Euro Disney.

  They traveled Air France. At check-in they notified the ground staff of the possibility of needing oxygen for Tammy due to her condition and the risk of her being affected by the cabin pressure. They went beyond their call of duty and were extremely accommodating, even allowing the family to travel first class, much to the excitement of Tammy and Troy.

  Amy stayed behind with her Aunt Linda and Uncle Ken. As it was a short trip and she was only a small baby, there were no sad repercussions from leaving her for two weeks.

  Tammy excelled at school. She loved sport, but sadly was
never able to actively participate due to her lungs and heart condition. She was a fighter and took no prisoners. Her resistance and determination made her appear strong despite her physical weakness. Yet she had a quirky sense of humor. Her raucous laughter would often be heard billowing from her room.

  Troy was a complex little boy, always trying to fit in and always trying hard to please everyone. Despite at times being a victim of bullying, he had a magnanimous personality, a big hearted and generous soul. School for him was a chore. His focus was more on fooling about than it was on schoolwork. Often attracted to the under dog, he would at times get involved with unsavory friends, then succumb to peer pressure which unfortunately at times lead to risky behavior. Ella often wondered whether his sister Tammy’s illness affected him more than what they realized. It was a pregnancy fraught with inner turmoil, and then his sister needing so much more care and attention.

  Amy was a leader, strong willed and she excelled at school. She loved music and would always be dancing and performing in front of a mirror. She started ballet at the age of three and dancing became her passion. At every opportunity she would gather a few people to form an audience so she could do a little performance. She was disciplined and a perfectionist. Honesty and integrity were very important traits in her life. She succeeded in whatever she applied her mind to.

  Three children, each totally different and each one with different gifts and talents to offer, and all three loved unconditionally.

  CHAPTER 9

  TORMENTS & ILLNESS

  Eduardo and Nancy had lived a good life but had endured much heartache through their children.

  It was heartbreaking for Nancy to watch the suffering of her eldest daughter Ella. She had been dealt some heavy blows with the bearing of children. Nancy often found herself being consumed with guilt. ‘Are these the repercussions of a mother’s sin?’ was the torment that often replayed in her mind.

  She was reassured by her new biblical knowledge that the Bible verse, ‘children are punished for the sins of their father,’ was not to be taken literally, yet she could not eradicate this thought from her mind.