Size Matters (Handcuffs and Happily Ever Afters)

by Robyn Peterman

  I stopped and dropped my head in embarrassment. What the hell had I been thinking? Just because Heidi had the man I loved, that was no excuse to fight. Actually, nothing was an excuse to fight.

  “Sorry,” I muttered.

  “Me too,” Heidi said.

  “You two will shake on it and we will get back to the business at hand,” Boo stated firmly. “I have no idea what went on between the two of you, but you will work it out later.” She reached for my hand and Heidi’s at the same time. She grabbed Heidi’s first and froze. My hand was forgotten as she glared at Heidi. Heidi became uncomfortable and tried to withdraw her hand, but she was no match for Boo’s strength. Boo might be tiny, but when her psychic thing got going, she was superwoman. “Oh my God,” Boo mumbled. “No way.”

  “Stop it,” Heidi insisted. “Right now.”

  “Tell her,” Boo said coldly. “You will tell her right now . . . or I will. Not only that, I’ll let my sister and the lesbos have at you and I’ll help.”

  The Baldies, who had always faded into the woodwork, stepped up beside Heidi. They looked menacing and all of a sudden the situation had taken an ugly turn. What had Boo sensed? I wasn’t sure how much more I could handle. Was Heidi Mitch’s wife?

  Heidi gazed at Boo with wonder and had the audacity to grin. “Fine,” she relented without much of a fight. “This should have been dealt with last night.”

  I was shaking and I needed to sit. Edith came up behind me and supported me with her skinny old frame. Mrs. C moved in and put her arm around my shoulder.

  Heidi bent forward and removed her contacts, revealing a pair of icy blue eyes so similar to Mitch’s I gasped. She then reached up and pulled off her helmet, keeping her eyes glued to mine. Her chin-length hair was a dark chocolate brown and she was striking.

  Odd and impossible thoughts ran through my brain. I recalled her telling Mitch that she wasn’t some other woman. Did that mean his . . . ?

  “I’m not his girlfriend,” she said softly. “I’m his sister.”

  A thrill shot through me. He had told me to trust him last night and I had told him to go, but why hadn’t he just told me the truth? “Who’s the other woman that you claimed not to be?” I asked, amazed at the similarities between brother and sister.

  “Our sister who died. I got into this for the same reason Mitch did.”

  “Why wouldn’t he tell me?” The tears started again and Edith shoved a delicate embroidered hanky into my face. While I mopped my eyes, I idly wondered if she had made it.

  “Because I’m undercover and it could endanger my life,” she said, trying to make me understand. “So instead he destroyed his own happiness,” she admitted grimly.

  I leaned back into the comfort of Edith and Mrs. C. I felt faint and strange. Trying to place all the puzzle pieces was making me dizzy. Are we the undercover operation? Is Searching for Sasquatch just a cover for something else far bigger? Did Mitch really come to see me, or was I convenient because I was already here? Why did they need us? How in the hell did we tie into the big picture? As I was about to start my inquisition, Kim and Hugh ran out of their room, shouting.

  “Sweet baby Moses in a blanket,” she shrieked. “Moon-Unit got the info and it’s bad.”

  She stopped and attempted to catch her breath. While she recuperated, Hugh gave us a spastic and freaked-out rendition of the theme from Jaws. Boo rubbed her back and tried to calm her down.

  “Kim, what did Moon-Unit say?”

  “Stuey,” she panted. “I mean Herman . . . rap sheet . . . long. Prison and drugs and illegal buying and selling of endangered species . . . bad, bad,” she gasped.

  The old ladies ran back to their room, muttering something about a showdown, and Heidi and the Baldies began quickly walking back to their SUV.

  “Wait,” I yelled. “I saw them this morning. Rich and I did. They were saying something about today being the day, killing the hairy bastards and setting up the idiots.”

  “Did they see you and Rich?” Heidi asked in a clipped voice, going into agent mode.

  “No, Rich hid us and we listened.”

  “Is there more than one Bigfoot?” Hugh asked, referring to their mention of hairy bastards. “Are they going to sell him . . . or them . . . into the black market?”

  We stood and silently contemplated the many crazy and horrific possible scenarios.

  “Where’s Rich?” Mariah asked, looking around.

  “Oh my God.” Heidi paled. “Is he gone?”

  “No, I’ll bet he fell asleep like I did. He looked like hell this morning,” I said, walking over to his door to knock. Heidi gave me a strange stare. I ignored her and banged on Rich’s door. No answer. I tried again . . . harder. The same.

  “Shit,” Heidi mumbled and began pacing. My gut clenched. Rich hadn’t felt well this morning. Maybe he was having a heart attack and I was too wrapped up in myself to insist he go to the hospital. Fucktard. I banged harder. I knew CPR and I needed to get into his room. Now.

  “Pick it.” I pulled Mariah out of the crowd around me. “Pick the lock.”

  She pulled a pocketknife out of her back pocket and had the door opened in seconds. I had no time to even think about the fact she was so good at getting into locked places. I shoved past her and ran into the room. It was empty. Where was he?

  Clothes, books, stacks of gauze, and bottles of cream or maybe glue littered his desk. Boo checked the bathroom and Mariah searched under the bed. I almost laughed in the midst of my oncoming hysteria. Like Rich would even fit under the bed.

  “Bathroom’s clear,” Boo said.

  “Bed’s clear,” Mariah added. “Except for this.” She held up an odd purple police manual. Where had I seen that before? No time to think . . . We needed to find him. I had a bad feeling and I didn’t even have Boo’s abilities.

  “That son of a bitch.” Heidi’s angry tone hit my stomach in a painful place. “Dave, Dan, check the side of the building for his motorcycle.” They took off at a run. “I will kill him, if someone else doesn’t get to him first,” she muttered, making my blood run cold.

  Who was she talking about? Mitch or Rich? And what in the hell was her real name?

  Reading my mind, Boo asked. “What’s your name?”

  “Couldn’t you tell from your voodoo?” Heidi snapped, clearly wound up about Rich’s disappearance.

  “I wouldn’t ask if I knew,” Boo replied calmly.

  “Sorry. It’s Candace. Candace Sanderson.”

  “Is Mitch’s name really Mitch?” I asked, wondering if he’d lied about that too.

  She considered me for a long moment. “Yes, my brother’s name is Mitch and he loves you.”

  “I love him too,” I said quietly.

  “Well, I sure as hell hope you get to tell him that.” She left the room and went in search of the Baldies, who actually had names.

  “It’s gone,” the Baldie named Dave said.

  “Damn it, we’ve gotta go . . . What in the hell is that?” Candace gasped.

  We raced out of the room to see what had happened now. Oh. My. God. I blinked to make sure my eyes weren’t playing tricks. Nope, they weren’t.

  Walking down the sidewalk toward us, Mrs. C and Edith were locked and loaded . . . literally. They were armed to the teeth. They carried pearl-handled pistols in side holsters and nunchucks over their shoulders. They had shed their sweats for combat fatigues, boots, and army green T-shirts. I barely registered the fact that they were braless. The rest was too scary.

  Edith had a knife tucked into her boot and it looked like Mrs. C had some kind of samurai sword strapped across her back. WTF?

  “No fucking way,” Mariah blurted, beyond impressed.

  “What, may I ask, do you think you’re doing?” a shocked Candace demanded as she circled the paramilitarized twins.

  “Gonna take care of the problem,” Edith grunted, cracking her knuckles.

  “Don’t you think Herman and whatever Stan’s name is will be slightly a
larmed and clued in if you show up like that?” Kim inquired, reasonably.

  They threw on big jackets, effectively covering their arsenal.

  “Knife.” Mariah pointed to Edith’s exposed weapon.

  “Thanks,” she said and shoved it down into her boot.

  “We have to go,” Candace told the Baldies. “They’ve either got him or he’s got them.”

  “Do we call in backup?” the one named Dan asked.

  “Yep,” she said, running toward the SUV. “They’re about two hours out. No one was expecting anything this soon.”

  “What about us?” Boo called out as we all ran after her.

  “You stay here,” she instructed.

  “Absolutely not,” Mrs. C said, blocking Candace from getting to the truck.

  “Out of my way,” she barked. “I know what I’m doing and you don’t.”

  “Would you like to put money on that?” Edith said, coming up behind Candace.

  Candace was effectively trapped between two armed and insane lesbians. I watched her consider her options carefully. Smiling, she shook her head ruefully. “Suit yourselves.”

  “Pile in, troops,” Edith shouted. Candace winced and grabbed her hearing aid.

  “Jesus Christ,” she groaned. “Can you not see that I’m wearing a listening device, you old bat?”

  “I can see it plain as day.” Edith grinned and slapped a high five with her sister. “Plain as day.”

  How much of a gullible idiot had I been? Candace wasn’t hard of hearing, she’d been listening to Stuey and Stan’s conversations . . . and how did I not know that the old gals were into guerrilla warfare? Although, I was sure there was more to that story . . .

  We quickly piled in. All of us. All ten of us. Thank you, Jesus, it was an extended vehicle, but it was still a tight fit . . . like can-of-sardines tight.

  “I’m going to call and see if Moon-Unit has any more info,” Kim said from underneath Hugh and Mariah. I was wedged between the Baldies, who were told by Candace if they so much as touched me that Mitch would kill them. They tried desperately to keep their distance, but space was limited.

  “Got her,” Kim shouted, causing Candace to yank her listening device out of her ear.

  “Can you hear me?” Moon-Unit called out.

  “We can hear you, dear,” Kim answered.

  “I believe you’re all in danger. The aliens have come and told me that the show has nothing to do with Bigfoot.”

  “You mean they’re not trying to kill Sasquatch?” Hugh asked, clearly relieved.

  “Oh, they would if they could,” Moon-Unit said, “but he was warned off by the tree sprites. From what I understand, he is safe.”

  I wasn’t sure whether to laugh or cry. The simple fact that the majority of the people in the truck believed what she was saying was mind-blowing. The problem was, some of what she was saying did pertain to possibly keeping us from getting caught in the crossfire of something we didn’t understand. I caught Candace’s questioning look in the rearview mirror and I shrugged. How to begin to explain . . .

  “What I still don’t understand is why the hell we’re here and involved.” Mrs. C stated what we’d all been wondering.

  “I think you’re a cover for something else they have going on up there,” Moon-Unit surmised.

  “Candace, can you enlighten us on that one?” I asked sarcastically.

  “Nope.”

  “If you could, would you?” I wondered how far I could push.

  “Nope, but I will tell you I have no idea why you’re here. It’s what I was sent in to find out.”

  “Can you still hear me?” Moon-Unit’s tinny voice yelled.

  “Yes, dear,” Kim said.

  “They are probably armed and dangerous. Edith and Mrs. C, are you prepared?”

  “Roger,” the old gals grunted in unison.

  “Good. Find the source and destroy it. Ohhh,” she squealed,

  “Kristy, this is very important for you to know. It will change your life. I found the evil chi and I destroyed it with my bare hands, a machete, and my dentures. I can’t believe I didn’t realize it all along, but the trolls said I wasn’t to blame. Chi can be quite insidious . . . but that’s for another conversation with a lot of alcohol involved.”

  “How does this affect me?” I was a nervous wreck. Was I going to inherit a colony of trolls or worse? I needed her to get to the end of the story so I could relax. She was killing me.

  “Oh, it’s all good, sweetie. Are you all ready?”

  “Yes,” everyone in the entire car shouted, even the Baldies and Candace.

  “The evil chi is . . .”

  The phone went dead. Are you kidding me?

  “Call her back,” Edith snapped. “I need to know what the fuck the old whack job found.”

  Pot. Kettle. Black. Again.

  “I can’t get her,” Kim said frantically. “It won’t go through.”

  Par for the course of my life. I always seemed to have about half of the information . . . Shitclowns.

  Chapter 34

  The van and trailer were parked outside the cabin. The sedan was parked right alongside. Mitch’s motorcycle was beside the front door, but no one was in sight. Holy hell, did they have both Rich and Mitch?

  “Listen to me,” Candace hissed. “This is a clusterfuck waiting to happen. We never should have brought all of you out here, but you may be safer with us than being sitting ducks at the hotel.”

  Great. This had gone from an easy, but embarrassing, gig to earn fifty thousand dollars for the shelter, to a life-and-death situation. I would bet my left boob—it’s the bigger one—that the fifty thousand was as fictitious as the show. I might die today for nothing.

  “Edith and Mrs. C, protect the group. Dan, Dave, and I are going into the cabin. Roger?” Candace snapped.

  “Roger that,” Edith replied in the same cadence. “Everyone, out of the car and stay low to the ground. Stay together and be prepared to run.”

  I lay on the ground next to Boo and prayed to every religious deity I could think of. After about five of the longest minutes of my life, Candace stepped back out of the cabin.

  “Mrs. C,” Candace yelled from the door. “Do you have smelling salts?”

  Why in the hell would she think Mrs. C had smelling salts?

  “I’m on it,” she said, pulling a small bottle out of her pocket. Of course she had smelling salts . . .

  “Bring everyone in here,” Candace shouted. “It’s not pretty, but I think we’ll be safer in here.”

  Staying low, we duckwalked over to the cabin and waddled into a hell like I’d never known. Three dead bodies of men I’d never seen before were lying on top of each other by the entrance. They’d been shot at point-blank range. I’d seen enough Law & Order to recognize that. I clutched Mariah and tried hard not to throw up or scream. I didn’t think either one of those activities would be particularly helpful right now. I’d never seen a murdered body before and I hoped I never would again. I turned away from the atrocity and looked around. The room had been trashed; stuffing was everywhere. I didn’t recall a couch, but I’d never been in the locked rooms before. My eyes tried to adjust to the darkened cabin. I was now sure the windows hadn’t been covered to protect any camera equipment. I doubted there ever had been any camera equipment. I stepped on something hard and it cracked beneath my feet. Glancing down I realized it was teeth.

  Oh my God. I ran to the bathroom and threw up. Had they ripped out the men’s teeth before they’d killed them? Were Stan and Stuey really capable of this? I rinsed my mouth out and splashed cold water on my face. I stared hard at myself in the mirror and started making deals with God. First and foremost, if I got out of here alive, I’d stop busting on David Hasselhoff. That would be nearly impossible, so I thought it was a good first offer. Secondly, I’d forgive and lay off Tandy McOath, the Junior Miss shoe stealer . . . actually that thought made me feel good. I shoved a piece of gum in my mouth and went out to see h
ow I could help. I was shaking like a leaf, but I was trying.

  The Baldies, Candace, and the old ladies were squatting down by someone on the floor. Was it Rich . . . or Mitch? Was he alive? Candace was as tense as I’d ever seen a person, and my heart was in my mouth. Mariah, Boo, Kim, and Hugh were lined up against the wall, watching in horror.

  I knew CPR, I reminded myself. I forced my feet, which wanted to stay glued to the floor, to move. Moving like I was underwater, I made my way across the room toward whoever was lying there. If I could be valuable, I was going to be . . . no matter how difficult.

  It was Rich. He’d been beaten badly. His arms were tied behind his back and his feet were bound. One of his eyes was swollen shut, his stuffing had been ripped out, and his wig had partially come off, revealing his thick brown hair and his teeth . . . Wait. What? I stood there, blank, amazed, and very shaken. My mind swirled with confusion and betrayal. This. Was. Not. Happening.

  Baldie Dan reached into Rich’s mouth and removed huge wads of gauze and his cheeks went down. Screams of frustration lodged at the back of my throat. I was the stupidest, most gullible idiot that had ever been born. I turned to find the teeth I had stepped on . . . they were dentures. Dentures for someone who wanted to appear to have hideous teeth. I hated him. He had played me harder than I’d ever been played in my life. The nausea rose back up and I was tempted to race back to the bathroom . . . but first I needed to know if he was alive.

  “Can you remove the contact from the swollen eye?” Candace asked Baldie Dave. He nodded curtly and pried the bloody socket open and removed the green contact, revealing a bloodshot icy blue eye. “The other one,” Candace directed in a pained whisper. Dave removed the other contact and pulled the rest of the wig from Rich’s head.

  “Take him out of the suit,” Dan ordered Dave. “We need to make sure he hasn’t been shot.”

  Candace swore and ran her hands through her hair in a move so reminiscent of her brother I wanted to cry. As soon as I knew he was okay, I could hate him as much as I wanted to, but right now I just needed to know he wasn’t going to die.

  “Once he’s free, give me the salts,” Candace told Mrs. C. Edith pulled the knife from her boot and meticulously cut the ropes that bound Mitch’s hands and feet.