A Penny's Worth

by Nancy DeRosa

  Finally standing up, she smoothed down her nurse’s uniform and thought: I can’t help it, I’m pissed off, and until I get it all out of my system, I probably will flip out again until everyone realizes I am worth so much more than that.

  Chapter 16

  The next few weeks pulled her around like a whirlwind. She’d been amazed that she could work at Fernfair for so many years and leave without making a blip on anyone’s radar screen. The school staff purchased a cake and said their goodbyes, and some of the children brought in homemade cards with Good luck, we’ll miss you written in crayon.

  Mr Adams gave her an awkward hug and said, “We’ll miss you. Good luck.”

  “Thanks.”

  She didn’t feel that he would miss her at all, but the requisite farewells had been performed and her papers were all in order. Still, she couldn’t help feeling an emptiness inside. Watching Mr Adams shut the front door of the school firmly, she felt that she had not mattered to anyone at Fernfair.

  On her first day of work at Wayside, she stepped gingerly into the revolving door in the front of the hospital. People were jumping in and out of it like jackrabbits. She became engulfed by a mass of people and ushered along as they jostled in through the doors. A huge man with a nose that could knock buses over slammed into her and sent her reeling against the glass. She was pushed roughly from behind by someone heading for the exit.

  “Please watch where you’re going,” she snapped, turning to find the culprit. Instead, she found a few people watching her with curiosity. Turning on her heels, she walked briskly toward the elevator. This was not the way to start a first day.

  Entering the elevator, she pressed the fourth floor button. She was to report to Nurse Reins first thing this Monday morning. She felt queasy. Stepping out onto the fourth floor, she felt like her insides were a revolving door.

  Nurse Reins was standing by the main desk, resembling a dragon guarding its treasure. She saw Penny and glanced pointedly at her watch. Panicking, she glanced at the wall clock just above her head. A sense of relief flowed through her when she saw that it was five minutes to nine.

  As if reading her mind, Nurse Reins declared rather sharply, “That clock is seven minutes slow.”

  “Oh,” Penny sputtered, quickly dredging up something to say. “That… revolving door is a killer.”

  Nurse Reins adopted an amused expression and said with exaggerated clarity, “Nobody uses the revolving doors except for patients or salespeople. You should be using the side entrance. Oh, and there are two huge doors on either side of the revolving door.”

  “Oh yeah, I never thought of that.”

  She didn’t reply, but Penny could have sworn she saw the beginning of a smirk form at the corners of her mouth. She straightened up as if uncurling slowly from around her treasure, turned around and called over her shoulder, “Follow me.”

  I’m making a good impression my first day on the job, she thought ruefully. Running after her scaly mentor, she noticed a group of nurses standing behind the central desk. They all looked away. She knew by their expressions they were doing everything possible not to break out in laughter. She glanced around looking for a hole in the ground to fling herself into.

  What have I done? she asked herself as panic took hold. My mother was right; I have made a huge mistake.

  “In here please,” Reins called with a hint of impatience. She stood by a door at the end of the corridor. Penny ran to her side breathing heavily, fighting the urge to flee down to the main lobby and through the stupid revolving doors right back to the safe haven of Fernfair.

  Following her mentor through the door, she found three women and a man, slumped in overgrown easy chairs. Each patient was hooked up to an IV that was administrating chemotherapy. The man was reading a newspaper; one of the women was staring blankly into space, and the other two ladies were staring directly at her.

  “I would like you to monitor these patients, and make sure none of them experience lightheadedness or vomiting.” Nurse Reins peered at her over her reading glasses. “You know the drill. Let me take you to your locker so you can put your jacket and pocketbook away and get settled in.”

  The four patients appeared to have lost interest in her. The man looked weary and disgusted.

  Nurse Reins announced, “I would like to introduce you to Penny Marins; this is her first day on staff. She will be taking care of you as we administer your chemo today. If you need anything at all, please don’t hesitate to buzz her.”

  The man scrunched the newspaper into his lap and harrumphed, “Oh great, a newbie nurse. I feel so safe and cared for.”

  A withered lady in the far corner began to chuckle, then shrugged. “This is my second time around with chemo, so what’s to feel safe about anyway?”

  Penny did not have a retort at the tip of her tongue, nor did she feel the need to defend herself. She was so nervous and upset that all she could think about was how to hold it together as best she could.

  *

  Blessedly, after visiting her patients, Reins left Penny alone in the locker area. Penny used this opportunity to compose herself. “I can so do this; no problem,” she whispered out loud as she leaned her head against the coolness of her tarnished locker. Stuffing her things into the narrow space, she slammed it shut. Pulling her shoulders back, she headed out into the corridor.

  Walking briskly with a purpose to her stride, she almost bumped into someone as she turned a corner. To her great surprise she found herself face-to-face with Dr Bruck. She remembered gaping at him at Fernfair just the same as she was gaping up at him now.

  Dr Bruck smiled down at her. “Excuse me, but we just about had a collision.” His voice was just as she remembered: deep, smooth, sensual. She could smell his aftershave. She gobbled him up with her stare: he was even more handsome than she remembered. The words she had wanted to say just wouldn’t come out of her mouth. She wanted a witty comeback, but all she could manage was to continue staring up at him with her mouth agape.

  “Sorry,” she sputtered.

  “What’s the matter, cat got your tongue?” Nurse Reins asked with a sarcastic grin. Standing between them, she had appeared out of nowhere.

  Just my luck, Penny thought miserably, leave it to the good nurse to materialise like a preying vampire and make me look more foolish than I already do.

  Dr Bruck was still looking down at her, presuming that a New Improved response was on the way. She snapped her gaping mouth shut and tried again. “Good thing we both stopped at the same moment or there could have been an accident.”

  He put his head back and laughed. It was a deep, rich sound that sent her warm all over. “Well if there was an accident,” he said, resting his hand upon Nurse Reins’ shoulder, “not only are we in the right place, we would also be in the best of hands.”

  Reins rolled her eyes. “Right, I would have acted in a flash. The stretchers would have been here before you blinked.”

  Laughing again, Dr Bruck put his hand out for Penny to shake. “Are you new at Wayside?”

  “Yes, this is Penny Marins’ first day and I’m training her.”

  He didn’t appear to acknowledge Nurse Reins’ declaration. Instead he addressed Penny as she tentatively put her hand into his. “Welcome to Wayside,” he said warmly. “You’ll be working on the oncology floor.” It was said as a statement, as if he already knew the answer.

  “Yes she is,” Reins answered for Penny again. But this time she was grateful. When the doctor’s hand enclosed hers, she actually felt weak at the knees. This sensation astonished her: she really thought that weak knees only happened in romance novels, not in real life. She didn’t want to let his hand go, but it was time to break contact.

  A moment later she was on her own in an empty corridor. She hurried back to her four chemo patients, shaking all images of Dr Kildare-a-like from her mind. She couldn’t afford to make mistakes on her first day.

  She found everything and everybody just the way she had left
it. The withered lady still sat staring pensively out the window, the man was back to the New York Times, and the other two women were watching the TV that was up mounted on on a wall bracket that looked way too small to support it.

  Not one of them acknowledged her presence when she walked in. She cleared her throat and asked, “Can I get anyone anything?”

  A petite blond woman with watery blue eyes turned away from the TV and addressed Penny, “I could use a little ginger ale. I’m starting to feel a bit queasy.”

  “Anyone else for ginger ale?” She looked from one face to the next. Her patients either grunted or shook their heads.

  When she returned with the drink, she realised the dark haired woman’s chair was empty. In great alarm she called out, “Where did she go?”

  The withered lady turned away from the window and pointed to the bathroom. “It was only a matter of time you know, she did look a little green around the gills, or didn’t you notice?”

  Walking briskly to the bathroom, Penny knocked on the door. “It’s me miss, the nurse, are you okay?”

  For a long moment she was met with silence, until the latch clanged and the door swung slowly open. “I threw up,” her patient announced.

  She had missed the toilet some. Penny looked at her patient and asked her name.

  “Julia.”

  “Well Julia, I bet you feel a lot better now.”

  She peered up at Penny with tears spilling down her cheeks. “No, I don’t feel better. I am just plain sick, and I am just plain tired.”

  Gently taking Julia by the arm, she steered her back to the chair. “Come on now; let’s get you settled with a magazine so we can get this over with. Then you can go home and rest.”

  Towing her IV apparatus behind her, Julia glared weakly and snapped, “We can get this over with? Sorry, but I wasn’t under the impression that we have cancer in common.”

  Feeling her cheeks flush, Penny replied meekly, “Of course we don’t and I’m sorry if I implied that.” She took a deep breath and added, “But I think we both want the same thing. I want you to be as comfortable as possible given the circumstances, right?” Penny knew she had sounded wooden and fake but she didn’t know what her patients wanted to hear, or needed to hear. Maybe they don’t want me to say anything at all, she thought.

  Julia sighed long and deep. “I’m sorry I yelled. My family’s given up on me. The cancer’s come back and the doctors suspect it may have spread to my liver. They have me as good as dead.”

  “How do you know that?” Penny asked as calmly as she could. “Did they tell you that?”

  She shrugged.

  Measuring her words carefully, Penny crossed her fingers behind her back. She hoped she was saying the right thing for once. “Couldn’t it be possible that you’ve decided to think that all on your own? I mean,” she began to stammer, “no-one gave you that information. You don’t have anything to base it on other than your feelings.” She waited for Julia to bite her head off.

  Taking a sip of ginger ale, Julia quietly belched. “Sorry, but I feel better now. You could be right. Anyway,” she said with a sweep of her hand, “All of the speculation on what my family or the doctors think doesn’t really matter. You’re just trying to do your job.”

  Penny said more sharply than she had intended, “It does so matter.”

  “What?”

  She squeezed her patient’s arm and said warmly, “You matter.”

  “Yeah, well, I guess I could maybe matter just a little bit to a few people.” Giving a weak laugh, she took another sip of ginger ale. “I might as well stick this chemo out anyway. You never know how things could turn out. Maybe I am being a little melodramatic. There’s a good chance my children don’t have me six feet in the ground just yet, but it’s been so hard on all of them. They’ll be lost for a long time if they lose me. But having me here like this is almost as bad. I’ve always been the one to guide them.”

  Putting her hand on Julia’s shoulder, Penny said so softly that Julia had to strain to hear, “They’re so lucky to be loved by you.”

  She rested her hand on top of Penny’s, wiped her tears away and said, “Thank you. I know I’m fortunate to have them too. I do feel a little better and now,” she paused and emphasized, “We have my shred of hope to share with one another.” She smiled and added, “Now you can say ‘we’ and it will mean something.”

  Penny realized that she had meant something to this woman and she had, if only for a brief moment, touched her. She smiled down at Julia and said, “Thank you.”

  As she gently arranged a green sweater over Julia’s shoulders, she realized that she had not made a mistake by coming to Wayside Hospital. Penny could only hope that she would learn how to deal with delicate matters regarding her patients. If she could touch someone for a moment, or even a second, that was far better than never touching anyone at all.

  Chapter 17

  Penny’s first day of work went by in a flash. She was so busy that she did not know where her ten hour shift went. Working on the oncology floor of a hospital was fast paced, so unlike the long tedious hours she put in at Fernfair Elementary.

  Penny met a few nurses on the floor. She noticed they displayed some curiosity when she politely nodded their way, but they kept their distance. The doctors on the other hand barely noticed her as they hurried to and fro.

  On her lunch break, Penny had eaten her strawberry yogurt pretty much on her own. A young nurse at her table was totally engrossed in having a fight with her boyfriend on the cell phone.

  “You slug sucking son of a bitch,” the girl hissed into the phone.

  Penny averted the nurse’s eyes and pretended to wipe something off her nurse uniform.

  The nurse was oblivious to Penny. “You cheating low life scum bag. You’re a liar, you piece of shit, stay away from me, I hate you!” The young woman abruptly flipped her phone shut and noticed Penny sitting at the table. “Sorry,” she muttered as she stood up to leave.

  “No problem,” Penny offered with a shrug. It was the only exchange she had with anyone other than Reins.

  At the end of her shift, Penny passed Reins on the way out.

  “I see you have survived your first day,” she called out airily as she waved a quick goodbye.

  And a good day to you too, Penny thought, already feeling a wave of grumpiness take hold. That woman is really beginning to get on my nerves.

  She passed through the revolving doors without mishap, and that put a small smile on her face. Any victory, however small, was good. Then she realized she should have gone out the side door. She reminded herself not to forget that tomorrow. She didn’t want Nurse Reins to have another laugh at her expense.

  She slumped into her car with a wonderful sense of deserved exhaustion. Beyonce’s Irresistible danced around the car’s interior. She fished out her cell phone. To her great surprise, her father’s voice boomed out.

  “Penny, are you there?”

  “I’m here dad.”

  Ron yelled, “Come over to the house and tell me all about your first day at your new job.” As if reading her thoughts he added, “Mom’s out with Amber, and Theo to find a dress for Paul and Alex’s Communion and I’m about to order Chinese. Chicken with snow peas sound good to you?”

  She allowed herself to topple sideways onto the passenger seat. She was exhausted.

  “Penny just come,” Ron pleaded. “I’ll order the beef with cashew nuts too. I know how you love that.”

  Her stomach grumbled and she gave a short laugh. “Okay, you got me with that. But please order it now because I’m bone tired and I want to get home early. I have another ten hour shift starting in the morning.”

  Thankfully, her parent’s house was only ten minutes from the hospital. She walked in without knocking just as she always did. The house was lit up like Grand Central Station: no partial blackout going on tonight.

  Ron was hunched over the kitchen table, immersed in a crossword puzzle from the local newsp
aper. Penny said hello and he flinched with a yelp, crumpling the newspaper. “Jesus, can’t you give an old guy a little warning?”

  She put her hands on her hips and declared in mock anger, “I can’t believe you didn’t hear me come in.”

  “Ah.” He touched his left ear. “My hearing isn’t as good as it used to be.”

  Her father had lost weight. She’d hardly noticed it before. His always present pop belly was shrinking and his pallor was a bit gray and pasty. He was a big man, with a nice head of hair that now held more silver than black. His pleasant face matched his demeanor. He would be perfect if only for one major flaw. Ron was a coward when it came to dealing with his wife. Penny would inwardly cringe whenever she thought about his emotional distance when he should have stood by her. But she put these thoughts to one side. She realized with mounting alarm that her father didn’t look so good.

  “You look so tired, Dad. What on earth are you doing these days?”

  “You really know how to make a guy feel good.” He laughed. “I’m fine Penny, not to worry. I’ve just been working more at the pharmacy. They had to let Dan Feeley go.” He shrugged. “Dan had been nasty to a couple of customers and they complained. More work for me, anyhow.”

  “Too bad about Dan.” She had heard he had a nervous breakdown but she didn’t know the details. I hope they find someone soon because you do look exhausted.” She sat down facing her father, her feet up on the next chair. If Dolores saw her do that she would order her down pronto. She wiggled her toes. “This feels so good,” she declared, closing her eyes for a second. “I feel like two lakes of water are residing at the bottom of my feet. I’ve been standing on them all day.”

  “Talk about losing weight, you look like you’ve lost a few yourself.”

  “Do I? Can’t say that I’ve noticed, but I have been a little nervous lately. I haven’t been eating so much. I was so busy today that I barely managed my strawberry yogurt.”

  “Do you like the hospital?”

  “I don’t know yet,” she answered truthfully. “Dad, the head nurse makes me nervous and everyone seems to know each other.” She admitted with great sadness, “What if I’m still the person no-one wants to get to know?”