A Penny's Worth

by Nancy DeRosa

She held out her cup of coffee to him and said sheepishly, “Here’s a peace offering. I’m so sorry about last night. I never drink and…”

  He put his hand up to ward off her excuses. “No problem. I never even liked those shoes that much, so you did me a favor.” He looked at her with a slight grin, and Penny could see he was just as uncomfortable as she was.

  Placing the coffee cup in the palm of his hand, she put her other hand out to shake his. “Friends?”

  He agreed, and then laughed as he clasped her hand. “It’s a lot easier to shake your hand then it is to kiss you.”

  She laughed, and he joined in reflexively. She was desperate to get over this awkward moment, and she was relieved that the laughter had broken the ice. As if not to be outwitted though, the awkwardness seemed to take over her voice.

  She blurted out, “Dr Bruck, what’s my name? I know I’ve told you it.”

  He looked at her with wide eyes. “Well uh, you’re Marins, you know, you’re Marins,” he finished lamely. He looked down; his toes seemed to be writhing awkwardly inside his shoes. “I find you very attractive, and I would have asked for your first name if you hadn’t gotten sick on me.”

  She took the coffee cup away from him. “A day late and a dollar short I guess. Don’t you think you should at least know the name of a girl you want to kiss?” she chided with a smile. “By the way, it’s Penny, Penny Marins.” She took his hand in hers and shook it. “And it’s really nice to meet you.”

  She understood why she didn’t feel anything when her fantasy man had kissed her. There was nothing between them. His body was tight and finely muscled, he was handsome, successful, and had everything going for him, and yet, there was no connection. Her heart held the most honest emotion of all, and there was no denying that her heart told her to throw Dr Bruck back into the pond with the other fishes without a moment’s hesitation.

  Looking at her watch, Penny exclaimed, “Oh, look, I better get to my patients. I have to start up three IVs.”

  He looked relieved. “Oh, of course.” Looking at her warily he added, “See you later then? Penny.”

  They parted and Penny briskly walked the opposite way. Relief washed over her like a fresh spring rain. She had walked through the first obstacle that had faced her today and she didn’t botch it up too badly.

  I have not only changed my life, she thought in amazement, I’ve also changed me and I hadn’t even realized it.

  She had a strong urge to call her mother and tell her Thanksgiving was off. She couldn’t take a chance that she would lose all that she had gained. A longing to see them had now mingled in with the trepidation of having them back in her life. She felt confused, and torn. She thought of her niece and nephew’s faces, and knew she must at least try to change her family’s deeply rooted misperceptions of her.

  Time to check in on her first patient of the day. Mrs Perkins, age ninety-two with stomach cancer. Her grown-up daughter was leaning over her mother and holding her hand. Mrs Perkins was admitted to Wayside because she had just experienced a stroke. She was unable to get up and around with her walker, and as Penny prepared to take her temperature, she could not help but overhear their conversation.

  The patient was frail and her skin was so white that it looked like chalk. She had on a dainty lace white nightgown with a robe to match. Mrs Perkins was clearly well cared for. Her daughter looked to be in her mid sixties, perfectly resembling her mother minus the wrinkles.

  The daughter’s voice was so low that Penny couldn’t hear too clearly, but she saw Mrs Perkins patting her hand as she said, “Don’t worry Beth, your sister is going to be okay.” Looking up at her daughter with wide eyes she added, “I would go visit her, but I can’t.”

  Beth began to cry, and Mrs Perkins folded her in her arms, saying, “There, there now, it will all be alright.”

  Penny decided that the temperature taking could wait. These two women needed their privacy.

  She next went to Mrs Jennings’ room and found Rosie, the night nurse, in the process of stripping her bed. Penny stood in the room for a moment and stared blankly at the bare mattress. The room possessed a complete stillness and Penny knew Mrs Jennings was no longer on this Earth. A bolt of sadness gripped her and made her body freeze. “Rosie,” she asked, already knowing the answer. “Is Mrs Jennings having tests?”

  Rosie stopped gathering the sheets. She was holding Mrs Jennings’ pink pillow, and in her mind Penny could clearly see her patient’s head resting there. Mrs Jennings was one of her favorite and most delightful patients. She had looked forward to seeing her more than she realized.

  “We lost her at about six o’clock this morning,” Rosie said with a sigh. “She went peacefully. No fuss, no suffering; I think she just decided to leave us. I really adored her though, didn’t you? I was such a fan of her novels too. Such a talented lady.”

  Penny fought back the tears that were threatening to fall down her cheeks. She couldn’t believe how quickly they had formed, but she could not halt the flow even though she tried to blink them away. If I could have picked my Mom, I would have wanted Mrs Jennings, she thought vehemently.

  She thought back to the conversations they’d shared, and how those talks had ignited in Penny the desire to grow and expand; the memories wrapped around her like a warm blanket. Mrs Jennings’ warm presence was still felt in the room. Although she had only been in Penny’s life briefly, she had enabled her to see that she could cover a lot of ground in her life, should she put her mind to it.

  “I loved her too,” Penny managed to say. “She was special, and different, and she helped me so much these past few weeks.”

  Looking at her with curiosity, Rosie asked, “What did she help you with?”

  “Everything.”

  Unable to bear the sight of the empty bed, Penny bolted from the room and headed over to the patients’ lounge. She sat down and put her head in her hands. Not only was the awful hangover getting the best of her, the sense of loss she now experienced knocked the breath out of her. She began to choke back sobs when the realization hit her that she wasn’t just grieving for Mrs Jennings, she was also grieving over the fact that she had never experienced with her mother what she had shared in a short amount of time with a virtual stranger.

  She slowly became aware that Mrs Perkins’s daughter was watching her from the doorway. She was leaning against the doorframe with a stricken look, and it made Penny forget her own misery.

  Penny drew a tissue from the box on the coffee table and wiped her eyes. She motioned to the woman to come in. Still wiping the tears from her eyes, she managed to smile weakly. “I gather you and I are not having a good day.”

  “I’m Beth.” She put her hand out for Penny to shake. “And you’re right, I’ve had better.”

  Despite herself, Penny laughed, “Well misery does like company. Come and sit by me.” She patted the part of the couch next to her. “Your mom is so sweet and a delight to take care of. How is she faring today?”

  Shrugging, she replied, “The question is, how am I faring today I’m afraid. Just yesterday, my sister Veronica had a massive heart attack, and here’s my very ill mother comforting me.”

  “That’s terrible,” Penny said.

  Putting her head down, Beth covered her face in her hands. “Mother is so practical and matter-of-fact. She told me that she would visit her if she could, but she so calmly accepted that she couldn’t.” Beth began to cry. “My mother has to be told that one of her children might pass away, at the exact time she’s facing her own fear that she may not leave the hospital this time.” Beth looked at Penny in astonishment. “What made it even harder for me is how well she took it. Now here I am going back and forth between two hospitals wondering if, and when, and who, in my family I’m going to lose first. Isn’t that a sick situation? Life sucks I tell you.”

  “And I was sitting here feeling all sorry for myself. Now I’m ashamed. I think that’s more than enough for anyone to deal with.” She put a hand o
n Beth’s shoulder and asked her if there was anything she could get her.

  With a sigh, Beth said no. She stood up slowly. “It’s time to go home and get some rest. I have to repeat my hospital rounds in the morning.”

  Laughing despite the grave circumstances, Penny said, “Now you sound like me.” Impulsively, she stood up and gave Beth a hug. “I promise to watch over your mom and I’ll give her extra TLC when you can’t be here.” Beth hugged Penny back and it seemed for a moment that she did not want to let go. Penny understood the depth of this woman’s despair, and let her hang on for as long as she wanted to.

  Gently patting her back, Penny said soothingly, “You’ll do this and you’ll be able to be there for both of them.” She gave a soft laugh and added, “It’s the stuff that you think is no sweat that slams you down to the pavement before you even know it. What you anticipate to be overwhelming usually doesn’t turn out as bad as you think.”

  A small smile formed on Beth’s lips. “Isn’t that the truth... Thank-you, I don’t always meet people that are as kind and considerate as you are.”

  Penny felt as if she were glowing from the inside. “It’s nothing. I’m around if you want to talk, and while I’m on my shift I will always be around your mother, I promise.”

  Walking out of the lounge, Penny ran into Mike and Alyssa as they headed toward her. She wanted to turn around and run as fast as she could rather than face their rejection, or ridicule. I must have acted like such an idiot last night, she thought, feeling panic rise up in her as they came closer. Why would they want to be friends with me anyway?

  Alyssa yelled out in glee, “God, what a hoot you were last night, you big drunk. How you holding up this morning? I made a bet with Mike you wouldn’t make it in.”

  Mike looked her up and down. “See Penny, I stuck up for you. I knew you were made of stronger stuff. Alyssa, you owe me coffee and a bagel.”

  Waving him away, Alyssa laughed. “You dirty dog, you threw up on Bruck’s shoes. How hysterical is that? I love partying with you. I can’t wait to see what you’ll do next. Let’s do it again next week.”

  Wearing a smile from ear to ear, Penny could see that they were not deserting her. They didn’t think she was a jerk. Alyssa, Mike and Josephine were not like the cold and detached neighbors that she had tried to reach out to long ago with no success. This little group was different, and she could call them her friends. She felt euphoria grab hold of her like a hug from a big happy bear.

  An idea popped into her head. It was something that she had wanted to do for years. She took a deep breath and popped the question. “Listen guys. What are you doing the day after Thanksgiving? I’d like to have a little dinner party.”

  Smiling brightly, Alyssa exclaimed, “I’m in, but no turkey casserole or anything right?”

  Mike snapped, “Alyssa, how ungrateful! Penny, whatever you make will be fine with me.”

  “Mike, I was just kidding, I love turkey.”

  “Whoever sees Josephine first, tell her the plans,” Penny declared grandly. “I am going to prepare the feast of all feasts that will put turkey day to shame.” She meant every word. She had wanted this dinner party to happen for so long, and she was determined to make it special. Now all I have to do is get past the day before it, she thought, feeling fear join forces with her nagging headache. I hope I get through it in one piece.

  Chapter 35

  Thanksgiving Day turned out to be a beautiful, crisp, sunny day. Despite her nervousness, she noticed that the vibrant colors of browns, reds and oranges were still clinging to the few leaves left on the trees. She knew winter would visit soon and the trees would look naked and dreary.

  She stood in front of her childhood home and took in three long, deep breaths. Turning the doorknob, she slowly walked inside. Penny never knocked before she entered her parent’s home, but for the first time in her life, she felt as if she ought to.

  Stepping into the foyer, she placed her apple pie on the table, and tentatively entered the living room. Upon seeing Penny, her family stopped talking and stared at her. The quiet that came over the room was so uncomfortable that she felt she was ready to call it a day before it had even started.

  Dolores gave her a stiff hug. “Well hello stranger, it’s about time you came around to spend time with your family.”

  Penny eyed her mother warily when she smelled the liquor on her breath. She could see the glaze in her eyes as clearly as the glaze on the turkey that was resting on the dining room table. “Happy Thanksgiving,” Penny offered with a short wave to the rest of the family.

  Amber and Theo were studying her as if she were a rat under a magnifying glass.

  “What have you done to yourself?” Amber cried. “Theo told me you lost weight but, wow, you’re like a skeleton now. This dieting can’t be healthy Penny. Are you okay?”

  She didn’t answer. Instead, she hugged her niece and nephews, making a huge fuss over them. She walked over to the coffee table and poured a glass of Chardonnay.

  “Penny, did you hear me?” Amber pressed.

  “Actually Amber, I’ve never felt better or been happier,” she answered, taking a sip of her wine. “You’re just not used to me being as thin as you are.” She leaned against the wingback chair.

  “Whoa, wait a second. I wasn’t trying to insult you. Lately, you’ve been so on the defensive.”

  “I’ll second that,” Dolores countered, “And by the way, are you so happy because you haven’t been around us? Are we such a burden?”

  Stepping forward Steve warned, “Mom, don’t do this. Not now.”

  “Do what?” Dolores retorted. “All I’m doing is asking my daughter a simple question, which I think I’m entitled to.”

  Penny said tightly, “Not in front of the kids, come on guys. It’s a family holiday. And anyway, all I meant was I’m happy in my new job and I’ve made a couple of friends.” She shrugged and added, “Not everything has to do with you Mom.”

  Dolores snapped, “Then why are you treating us so shabbily if you’re so happy? Happy people don’t shun their family, and they don’t ignore important family occasions.”

  Penny’s father looked away, just as he always did. But this time something flipped upside down inside of her. She understood her father for the first time in her life. Ron had to deal with Dolores when everyone went home. He alone would be left with her anger, her resentment, and her tirades. There was no-one to support him. All he was doing was just trying to survive. He looked back at Penny and said tentatively, “Look, Dolores, now let’s—”

  She put a hand up to stop him. “Its okay Dad, I can deal with it.”

  Her father looked puzzled for a moment. Her brothers and sisters-in-law stared as if she were an alien creature that had just stepped out of its spacecraft.

  “Dolores,” Ron said fearfully, “I don’t want this day to turn into a shouting match. Please, let this be.”

  “Stop telling me what to do!” Dolores shouted with a large sweep of her hand which sloshed wine over the carpet.

  Penny rounded on her mother. “Stop bullying everyone Mom. We’re all getting sick and tired of it already.”

  “How dare you talk to me that way!”

  Steve intervened, “Dad’s right Mom. Let’s just quit it. You always go too far.”

  As Penny was putting the wine glass down on the coffee table, she turned toward her brother and smiled.

  Dolores shot back, “You think my parents gave me half of what I gave you Penny! What an ungrateful daughter you are. I didn’t get half of the mindshare from them that I’ve given you. They didn’t even care if I finished High School for God’s sake.” Her voice rose even higher. “They made me work at sixteen, and,” she paused for effect as she lit a cigarette, “I had to give them all my money. I never had anything. It was always about them.”

  “Mom…”

  “You don’t know what hard is, and I swore your life would be different. I’ve tried to protect you from the harsh realit
ies of life and instead of appreciating my protection,” she took a long drag of her cigarette and exhaled the words along with the smoke, “what you do is hate me for it.”

  It was time for Penny to leave. She would never be able to have her mother understand that her so-called protection had done nothing but place fear in her heart. More importantly, she had no desire to try. She could no longer digest her mother’s tirades. She realized there comes a point in one’s life when you have to permanently remove yourself from situations that make you feel like you have poison in your veins. Penny’s mother polluted her body and soul.

  Her voice shaking, Penny said, “I’m leaving Mom. I can’t forgive you for never having taken my hand in yours when I was little to give it a squeeze. I can’t forgive you for not letting me learn, through you, that I am worthy and strong. You never gave me a shred of confidence from the get-go, and time is running out, I have so much to do. You can live in your small, safe little world, but I will no longer be in it with you.” Her voice began to catch and she felt tears form in her eyes. “You see Mom, there’s just too much in life to enjoy, and I don’t want to be left out anymore. So go ahead, smoke your cigarettes, pace the kitchen floor, watch your endless talk shows, have fun.”

  Penny turned around to retrieve her coat from the hallway closet. Amber followed at her heels.

  “Penny,” she pleaded, “Don’t do this, please. You know Dolores is unhappy, be bigger and stay. It’s Thanksgiving and we’re family. I miss you.”

  She peered at Amber with suspicion. “You miss me? I’m surprised to hear that. You’ve never given me any mindshare whatsoever.”

  “Well I’m certainly giving it to you now. You’ve always been kind to me and my boys.”

  Smiling softly, she teased, “I probably won’t be babysitting for you anymore.”

  Smiling back, Amber answered glibly, “That’s okay, we’ll just dump the boys on your mother.”

  Walking over to the doorframe of the dining room, Ron pleaded, “Please Penny, don’t leave. Your mother is crying and I haven’t seen her cry in years. Let’s try to work this all out. I’m willing if you are.” Coming closer to his daughter with outstretched hands he beseeched, “Give us a chance, we don’t want to lose you.”