The Truth of Yesterday

by Josh Aterovis

  “Micah, wait.” I managed.

  He smiled. “For what? I want you to have time to think about this, about what I'm asking of you. This is the best way I've come up with to do that, relatively painless for us all. I hope I'll be talking to you soon, but if not, no hard feelings. I'll always love you.”

  He turned and walked out the door. I watched him out the window as he crossed the lot once more, climbed into his car, and drove away without ever once looking back. I was still sitting there several minutes later when the alluring Ellen appeared back at the table.

  “Is everything ok?” she asked disinterestedly, as if our food wasn't still sitting completely untouched on the table and my dinner partner hadn't just walked out on me.

  “Yeah, everything is fine,” I said, pushing my way out from the booth. “Keep the change.”

  “Do you want a doggie bag?” she asked my retreating back.

  “No thanks,” I muttered, whether or not she heard me I didn't know, and didn't particularly care.

  * * *

  I was sitting in my room that night with a book open in front of me on Seth's old desk, ostensibly studying. In reality, I couldn't have begun to tell you the first thing about what the chapter I was supposed to be reading was about. I kept replaying my conversation with Micah over and over in my mind, wondering what I could have said differently, and wondering what I was going to do about what he had said.

  I liked Micah, I really did. It was not entirely out the question that I could fall in love with him…if I let myself, which was the problem. Micah was right; I had been holding a part of myself back from him. He was also right about the reason. I was far from being over Asher. I still missed him and it had been months since we were a couple, and we hadn't been happy even before that. Still, he was my first boyfriend and I had loved him. I think somewhere in the back of my mind I had always thought we'd get back together. I had been thrown for a loop when he announced he was moving away.

  I wasn't sure I was ready to do what Micah had asked. I had hurt so much when Asher left, more even then when we'd broken up. I'd lost so many people I guess in some ways it was natural that eventually I'd begin to throw up some sort of defenses to keep people away. It wasn't even entirely intentional. I knew it wasn't fair to Micah to expect him to just keep coasting along uncertainly, but I didn't know if I was prepared to take that risk he'd been talking about. I was afraid to let him in for fear I'd lose him, but the ironic part was, it looked like I was about to lose him anyway by keeping him out.

  I slammed the book shut and let my head drop onto the desk with a thud. “What am I going to do?” I moaned out loud.

  “Why do you always have to make everything so hard?” A familiar voice asked from behind me. I snatched my head up and around so quickly I felt something snap in my neck.

  “Ow!” I yelped. “Damn it, Seth. Why'd you have to go and scare me like that?” My deceased friend reclined on the bed, his arms behind his head and his feet crossed at the ankles. He wore what I was beginning to think of as his uniform, faded jeans, heavy black shoes and a clingy black shirt. His expression was one of benign amusement.

  “What? No hello? No gee, Seth, it's been a long time, how've you been?”

  “You're dead. I don't have to ask how you've been. I wish you wouldn't just appear like that. It scares the crap out of me.”

  “Oh, quit being such a drama queen. For God's sake, you're never happy unless you have some sort of crisis going on.”

  “That's not true,” I said in an injured tone.

  “Ok, so maybe that was a little harsh, but you do make mountains out of molehills. Shall I list examples?”

  “Please don't.”

  He shrugged and grinned.

  “So where have you been the last few months? I'd pretty much convinced myself that you were just a stress-induced hallucination. When was the last time I saw you? At the barn?”

  “Yes, at the barn. I got in a little trouble over that, broke a few rules. I guess you could say I'm on probation.”

  “Probation? What rules?”

  “I've told you there are certain rules I have to obey if I'm to be allowed to come here.”

  “No, I mean what rules did you break?”

  “Oh. Well, that's another rule; I can't tell you what the rules are, remember?”

  “You just like being mysterious.”

  He stuck his tongue out at me. “No, there really are rules. Although, I have to admit, this whole mystical entity thing does appeal to me. Look, we're supposed to help out by dropping enigmatic hints, no direct advice. And we're never supposed to interfere with the Pattern. When I gave you the strength you needed to get out of those ropes I crossed the line.”

  “You gave me…? The pattern?”

  “Pretend I didn't mention that, ok? If I keep this up you'll never see me again. Anyway, I didn't come here to enlighten you about how this all works.”

  “Why did you come?”

  “You need me.”

  “I do?”

  “Yes.”

  “Oh.”

  “I'm here to help you figure out what to do about Micah.”

  “It's like having my very own fairy godmother.”

  “Fairy something anyway. So, as usual you've gotten yourself into a quandary over something that should be simple.”

  “Simple for you, maybe.”

  “It could be simple for you. Do you like Micah?”

  “Yes, you know…”

  “Do you care about Micah?”

  “Yes, but…”

  “Do you love Micah?”

  That one stopped me cold.

  “Killian, do you love Micah?”

  “I…I don't know.”

  “Yes, you do. Stop hiding and face what's going on. If you don't stop it you're going to lose him forever.”

  Hearing his words echo my thoughts so closely caused my stomach to lurch. I didn't want to lose Micah.

  “I do love him.”

  “Then tell him so; and work with him to get past your fears and insecurities. He'll work with you if he knows there's something to work for, but if you don't give him anything, what reason does he have to stay?”

  “I don't even know why he'd want to stay with me. I mean, I'm a freaking mess. I'm scared to let someone I care about love me, I'm hung up on my old boyfriend, and I'm sitting in my bedroom talking to a dead guy.”

  “Hey, let's leave the dead guy out of this. He wants to stay with you because he loves you. You can get past your fears if you try and Asher is a part of your past now. He'll always be a part of you but you have to let that go now.”

  “What if I can't?”

  “Can't what, let Asher go? You can.”

  “You sound so sure.”

  “That's because I am sure. I know you, Killian. I know you can do this. And deep down you know you can, too. You're just scared, and it's ok to be scared. Just don't let it control your life.”

  I sighed. “You're right. I have to stop being an emotional cripple. It's time to move on. I'll call Micah right now.”

  He grinned. “That's the spirit. Now all you have to do is confront your fears about your Gifts.”

  I froze with my hand hovering above the phone. “What?”

  “Your Gifts? You haven't forgotten them have you?”

  “No, despite the fact that I've been valiantly trying.”

  “Why are you so scared of them, Killer? You have them for a reason.”

  “Yeah, well, I didn't ask for them.”

  “You didn't ask to be blonde either. Or have blue eyes. Or to be gay.”

  “This is different.”

  “No, it's just another facet of who you are, and the sooner you deal with it, the better.”

  “I'm doing just fine without them, thanks.”

  “We'll see.”

  “What's that supposed to mean?”

  “Don't worry your pretty little head about it. I'm going to head off now and let you call Micah.” He stood up
and stretched, his body twisting in an almost feline manner.

  “Wait, when will I see you again?”

  He shrugged. “Who knows? When you need me.”

  “Seth, wait.”

  “Ta-ta.” And he was gone.

  If you've never had it happen to you, trust me, it's very disconcerting to have someone simply vanish from in front of you.

  Chapter 2

  Micah wasn't home when I called so I left a message on his machine saying that I wanted to talk to him. I thought about leaving a more informative message but then I decided that news of the sort I had to share would be better off delivered in person.

  Micah didn't return my call until the next day when I was at work. I'd tailed Mr. Knox, the allegedly unfaithful husband, to work that morning, checked in with my friend at the receptionist desk, and then came into the office to get in a little paperwork before my first class at 11. Micah agreed to come over that evening so we could talk.

  The rest of the day went by in a blur. I barely paid attention in class and I almost forgot to follow Mr. Knox home. All I could think about what talking to Micah. Now that I had made up my mind to make things work with us, I was terrified that it was too late, that I'd already ruined everything. I knew I was just being ridiculous, that if it was really too late then Micah would have said so at the diner. I knew this, but it didn't make the wait any easier.

  I changed my clothes twice after I got home while I waited for him to get there. I finally settled on a dark blue, form-fitting long-sleeved shirt that I knew Micah loved because he said it brought out my eyes and a pair of jeans that he always said made my butt look nice.

  “You're acting like it's your first date,” Kane commented from his place in front of the computer as I gave myself one last once over in the mirror. My honorary little brother was quite the expert on dating. He'd had more girlfriends at 16 than most people had in their entire lives. He'd recently broken up with the girl he'd dated all summer, saying he had to keep his options open now that school was back in session. Attracting girls was not a problem for him. He had bright green eyes and short blonde hair that he wore in a disheveled fashion that seemed to drive the girls wild. His fashion tended towards skater-punk.

  “I'm as nervous as if it were,” I muttered.

  “Why be nervous? Anyone with half a brain can tell that he's crazy about you.”

  “Is that how you were able to tell?”

  “Oh, that hurt.”

  Being the mature older brother that I am, I stuck my tongue out at him and left to wait downstairs.

  Of course, Micah chose to arrive the second I went into the bathroom to pee. The doorbell rang and seconds later, I heard Kane clattering down the stairs.

  “I'll get it,” I yelled, knowing from experience that if Kane answered it would only lead to embarrassment for all involved, but mostly me.

  “From the bathroom? Don't be stupid. I'll get it.”

  I heard the door open and swore under my breath.

  “Hey, Micah,” Kane said. “Good thing you got here when you did or Killian would have tried on everything he owns.”

  “Arg!” I howled from the bathroom. I washed my hands and burst through the door to find Micah still standing in the doorway. He looked fantastic wearing a dark gray ribbed turtleneck sweater and black cargo pants.

  “You could have at least invited him in,” I growled at Kane.

  “Like you gave me time. Anyway, I'm going out. Tell Dad that I'll be home by ten o'clock.”

  “Ok, be careful.” For all our bickering, we were actually pretty close and I often caught myself being protective of him. He threw me a look and loped off towards the old truck Adam had bought to use at the B&B. He let Kane use it when they didn't need it.

  I turned back to Micah, who was still standing just outside the door.

  “Um, come on in?”

  He stepped in and we stood awkwardly in the hall for a few seconds, neither of us sure what to say.

  “Do you want to go up to my room so we can talk?” I finally asked.

  “Sure.”

  He followed me up the stairs and into the room Kane and I shared. Once there, the uncomfortable silence returned.

  “I thought about…” I started at the same time as Micah said, “You said you wanted…”

  I giggled and Micah smiled. It was what we had needed to break the tension. I started again.

  “I thought about what you said and I realized that you were right. I was holding back part of myself from you and part of the reason for that was because I wasn't completely over Asher. Another part of the reason is because I was afraid of being hurt again. I also thought about what you said about risk.” I took a deep breath. “Micah, I love you.”

  I watched his face intently for his reaction. I saw something flash in his eyes but I couldn't identify it before it was gone.

  “What does that mean?” he asked carefully.

  “It means that I've decided that I'm willing to take that risk. I want to try to make this work. It means you'll have to work with me if you want to make it work too, but I'm willing to try.”

  “What about Asher?”

  “You mean am I over him? Not completely, not yet anyway. Who knows, maybe I'll never be completely over him, but he's a part of my past now. I have to move on and I'd like to move on with you. I do love you. I realized that last night. I was scared to death at the thought of losing you.”

  “That scared you more than being hurt?”

  I nodded. “I was afraid to let you in because I was afraid I'd lose you and I'd just get hurt again, but then I realized that I was going to lose you by not letting you in, and it would have hurt just as much because I was already in love with you.”

  “Are you really in love with me, Killian?”

  I paused just long enough to see the vulnerability in his eyes. “Yes, I am.”

  He drew in a shaky breath and slowly released it. “Good, because yesterday when I said I could fall in love with you, that wasn't exactly the truth. The truth is I already have.”

  I threw myself into his arms and we tumbled backwards onto the bed. I kissed him firmly on the lips and within moments, he was kissing me back. He rolled us over so that he was on top and we kissed for a few more minutes. Then he gently pulled away and lifted himself up onto his elbows so he could look me in the face.

  “God, you are so beautiful, Killian. I could just stare at you all night long. You know, this is exactly the way I hoped this would happen, but I was too afraid to actually think it would.”

  “Oh ye of little faith,” I teased.

  “It's not going to be an easy road, though. You know that, right?”

  “I never thought it would be. You're going to have to be patient with me. I doubt I can drop all the walls at once. I might need your help.”

  “We'll work on it together. You know you're not the only one with walls though, right?”

  “You too?”

  He lay down next to me and I cuddled into his side. “I think everybody has them to some degree,” he said, “Some are worse than others. From my experience, it seems that gay guys have more walls than most. I guess we have to start building our defenses sooner than some people.”

  I twisted around so I could see his face better. “You've told me about being abused and how you reacted by having sex with a lot of people, but you've never mentioned falling in love. Am I the first person you've ever loved?”

  Micah softly stroked the side of my face. “No, I fell in love once before, when I lived in DC. We lived together for a while.”

  “Why'd you break up?”

  “I moved here, he stayed in DC. Neither of us wanted to do the long distance thing. We made a mutual decision to just call it quits; we both agreed that we'd run our course and there was no sense in waiting until things got ugly to break up. At least this way we could stay friends.”

  “Did you?”

  “For a while, and then the phone calls got farther and farther pa
rt. Eventually we just stopped calling, about the same time I met you.”

  “Are you over him?”

  He thought for a moment. “Yes. I never really expected that to be a forever thing.”

  “What about us? Are we a forever thing?”