As I Am

by AnnaLisa Grant

  “He must be gay,” she says in defense of her rejection.

  “He’s not gay,” Matthew says.

  “Are you sure?” she asks.

  “You’re kidding, right?”

  “This doesn’t make any sense. He didn’t do anything. Not even a polite smile back.” Addy’s eyes are darting back and forth, seeming to look for an answer to this curious situation.

  “Maybe he’s just preoccupied. Or maybe, and I know this is going to sound crazy, but, maybe he’s just not into you,” I offer. Addison looks at me like I’ve been taking crazy pills and that this is the most preposterous theory she’s ever heard.

  “Well,” she begins, ignoring my theory. “It’s only the first day, so I’m sure he’s just getting acclimated to the camp. Kinley will be able to get some more information from him when she talks to him tonight at the bonfire, won’t you, Kin?”

  And there it is: my assignment as my sister’s perpetual wingman. “I’ll be a good sister and see what I can find out.” As usual.

  “Oh! You really are the best!” Addy says as she kisses my cheek.

  “Kinley,” Mr. Fellows calls to me. “Would you be so kind as to set up your camera for a group shot?”

  “Of course!” I tell him, not realizing he had finished the requisite welcome and instructions already. His discourse seemed to last forever last year.

  “Great! Now, while everyone is getting into place, dinner is back here in an hour and a half. Also, I want to remind everyone that we’ll meet here for lunch at twelve-thirty tomorrow before we break into groups and make sure each activity is ready for the campers in two days. Now, is everyone making their way up front?” Mr. Fellows asks.

  I pull my camera from my bag and place it on the flat podium one of the adult lead counselors moved to the back of the room for me. Once everyone is in place, I set the timer and move into place next to my sister. Cal moves from behind the group to stand next to me, placing his arm around my waist. The flipping in my stomach returns and I’m sure the picture will reveal my nervous smile.

  “We still good for tonight, Kinley?” Cal asks as soon as the flash has finished giving us all momentary blindness.

  “Of course,” I tell him, biting my lip to keep from smiling too big.

  “Good. I’ll see you back here for dinner, too, right?”

  “I’ll save you a seat!” Butterflies swarm my stomach and I feel like I’m either going to do a backflip or throw up. Neither will look good so I hope I can keep my composure.

  “I was hoping you’d say that.” Call smiles and turns to meet up with his friends and I think now might be the best time for me to throw up.

  *****

  It’s a good thing we had over an hour before we had to be back for dinner because it took Addison most of that time to figure out what she was going to wear. She was even more on a mission when Miller didn’t respond to her flirtatious smile. She finally settled on a halter top and the shortest pair of shorts she could find.

  I look at her, surveying her perfect features: long thin legs, sexy shoulders, perky boobs. She’s everything I wish I looked like, and I wonder if I looked more like her if Cal would have been more likely to want to get to know me last year. It doesn’t matter. He’s here now.

  “Does this look slutty enough?” Addison asks with all seriousness.

  “What if he’s not into slutty, Addison?” I propose.

  “All guys are into slutty. They have to act like they aren’t in the beginning so that we don’t think they’re total scumbags. I just like to save them the trouble of having to put on a show.”

  “Sounds legit,” Amy says with a bit of an eye roll.

  “Don’t you think?” I reply.

  “She’s just saying what we all already know,” Mia says in defense of my sister.

  “I knew I liked you,” Addy says to her.

  With Addison’s hair pulled up in to a perfect, high ponytail and her lips freshly colored with her favorite Raspberry Lemonade lipstick, we walk downstairs and out onto the path that will lead us back to the dining hall in the center of the camp. We’re the last ones there, making me feel badly because I told Cal I’d save a seat for him.

  Once through the line with two pieces of homemade pizza, we find our friends across the room. I make eye contact with Cal, who smiles at me.

  “I’m really sorry I’m late. Addison took forever,” I tell him apologetically.

  “It’s okay. I had to fight off some newbies for this seat, but I saved it for you,” he says with a cute, crooked smile.

  “Oh … thanks,” I stumble through my words as I sit next to Cal. I take a sip of my bottled water and then a bite of my pizza before I look up at Addy, who is looking at me and then the slice of pizza in my hand. This is the same look I get when I dare to order a loaded baked potato or the eight ounce filet instead of the six ounce when we go out to eat. I’ve forgotten where I am and immediately put my pizza down. Addy and Mia are blotting the top of their pizza with a napkin to get the excess grease off the top. I pick up an extra napkin from the table and follow suit as nonchalantly as I can.

  I look back at Addison and she smiles, giving me a small nod of approval. This is one of the little tips she and our stepmother, Christine, have given me as a way to cut fat and calories out of my diet. “Even the littlest thing will help you, Kinley,” Christine has said on numerous occasions.

  “How are things going with your photography?” Cal asks. “Did you bring your portfolio? I remember you saying in one of your emails that you had added some industrial shots to it.”

  He remembers that? I told him that before Christmas.

  “It’s going great. I’m hoping to get more nature shots this summer, too. There’s a coffee shop near campus that has offered to put some of my prints up for sale, and they might even buy some for their own décor. So, I’m pretty excited about that,” I tell him. “What about you? How’s it going working to cut down on the world’s energy costs?”

  “We’re decades away from any real change, but at least we’re making some progress. In the meantime I’ll be the pretentious guy driving the Prius and trying to convince my parents to put solar panels on their roof,” he chuckles. Just another reason to like him: Cal doesn’t take himself too seriously.

  “Hey, Kinley, do you think you could take some pictures of me this summer? I need knew modeling pictures but I’m too broke. You could put them in your portfolio. Maybe a tradeoff?” Carrie asks.

  “Of course! And we don’t have to do a tradeoff. It’s great experience for me. I haven’t had too many outdoor photo shoots, so it’ll be great. And you’ll be a great model.” Carrie is tall and beautiful like the other girls here, but not obviously beautiful. Her wide eyes and larger nose give her a unique quality that makes her beauty also interesting. And, in my opinion, make her more beautiful than most of the girls I’ve shot.

  We spend the next hour chatting, eating, and reminiscing about last summer’s fun and antics. Bridget promises us a new campfire beer commercial to follow up her Bud Light one from last year’s, and Dave swears he will not break down the bathroom door again no matter how badly he has to go.

  Cal stayed by my side all through dinner. He even put his arm on the back of my chair for a while. It felt nice. It’s not that a guy has never liked me. It’s that none of them – okay there are only two that I know of – were remotely anything like Cal Harper. For some reason, there was a time in high school when I attracted these super scrawny guys who were awkwardly maneuvering their way through puberty with barely-there, dark peach fuzz mustaches that they refused to shave. I think that’s when I started clinging to Addy for help in putting myself together. She has made sure that even though we can’t share clothes, that I at least have clothes that fit my body the right way. Half the time I still don’t know what I’m doing when I get dressed, but sometimes I hit the mark. Addy insisted on packing for me this summer. With Cal at my side, now I know why.

  “Okay, Kinley, now�
�s your chance,” Addison says to me from across the table in a loud whisper. “Miller is alone. Go talk to him for me.”

  “Miller’s been alone this whole time,” Pete says sarcastically. “Why are you so into him anyway? He doesn’t fit your usual type. It’s the tattoos, isn’t it? I gotta get a tattoo.”

  “I’ve never been with a guy who’s all tatted up like that before. It’s totally hot.” Addison makes this sexy face and I want to kick her under the table. It’s one thing to talk about looking and being slutty with the girls in her room, it’s another thing to come across like a total slut in front of everyone. She’s a really kind and generous person and I don’t like the idea of that not being what people immediately see in her.

  “Now?” I look at her with strong eyes, trying to tell her that I’m not quite ready to leave my seat – the one with Cal’s arm resting on the back – to go set up her booty call.

  “Yes. Now. Please?” she says.

  “I’m gonna run back to The Lodge and make sure the beverages are all set for the bonfire,” Cal says. “I’ll catch you later, everyone. See you tonight?” he says to me.

  “Definitely.”

  Cal pushes his chair out and clears his dishes.

  I breathe a heavy sigh and shoot daggers at Addison.

  “What?” she says obliviously.

  “What? Really? I was pretty cozy here with Cal and you cut that off just so I could do your dirty work for you!” I shout in a whisper to her across the table.

  “You already have your guy! If you don’t help me with Miller I won’t have a guy for the summer!” she whines.

  “You are a walking contradiction. In one breath you’re talking about making it so easy for guys to know you’re available, and in the next you’re putting on your own show of girls-don’t-chase-after-boys. If you’re so available, why don’t you just go talk to him yourself?”

  “What’s gotten into you?” she says. I’m not sure that I’ve ever confronted and chastised Addy for this behavior before, but then again, I’ve never had anything better to occupy my time. “One guy finally likes you and all of the sudden you’re too good to help your sister?”

  “Hey! You’re the one who told me to be open to him!” I counter. “And that’s really mean!”

  “Just … Kinley, please. Please go over there. I’m not asking you to do anything you haven’t done before. I’m sorry I was so bitchy. Please?” Addy looks at me with her begging blue eyes and once again I fall right into my role. It’s hard to resist her, and, really, I just want her to be happy. If she thinks Miller will make her happy, even for the summer, how can I deny her that? One day she’ll grow up and will have no more wild oats to sow. Until then, this is just Addy.

  “Fine. But you owe me a better apology than that sorry-ass one you threw in there,” I tell her.

  “I’m sorry, Kin.” Addy gets up from her seat across from me and moves around the table to the seat where Cal had been sitting. “You’re my sister and I love you and I couldn’t be happier that Cal is into you. You looked pretty comfortable with him, so I guess you were just doing what I made you promise you’d do. Forgive me?”

  I sigh, knowing that Addison is the only person in the world I can’t stay mad at. “Of course.” We hug and I know Addy is looking over my shoulder to see if Miller is still there. She doesn’t say he’s gone so I can assume he’s still there with his nose in his book. “You should probably let me go so I can go harass that poor, unsuspecting boy,” I tell her.

  “You really are the best sister ever. You know that, don’t you?” Addy says sweetly to me.

  “Yes. I’m awesome.” I smile at her, feeling the love you can only feel from your sister.

  Addison saunters away, breezing by Miller with her best sex-on-two-legs stride, but Miller doesn’t flinch. It’s so weird. It’s almost like watching trains derail. You can’t believe it’s happening because it all seems so unreal, but yet, there it is.

  After Addy walks past Miller and gets through her huff of disappointment, I continue to watch him. Obviously I noticed him when he arrived today, but this is the first time I’ve really, really looked at him. His tattoos were initially a distraction, mainly because he’s the only one here with any visible ones. Now I have this unreasonable urge to kneel down next to him and extend his arm out just to examine each one.

  He’s working feverishly in his book. I can’t tell if he’s writing or drawing because his pencil is moving so fast. His head tilts from side to side as he works, which makes me lean closer to my thought that he’s drawing. I wonder if he’s sketching out new tattoo ideas.

  My staring finally catches up with me when Miller breaks his own trance and looks up at me. Neither of us moves or averts our eyes from each other and an odd feeling comes over me. I can’t put my finger on it, but it seems different. I’m about to take a breath and follow through with my task for Addison when he smiles. Like, genuinely smiles. It’s not condescending or insincere. He doesn’t even look annoyed at my rude staring. It’s a real smile. This feeling I know I’ve never had, and I internally chastise myself for having and enjoying it. It’s the feeling that I just got something from a boy that my sister didn’t.

  Before I can even reciprocate the smile or take a step forward, Mr. Fellows slides into my view. I don’t know where he came from, just that one minute I was having a surreal moment with Miller Conrad and the next I’m staring at a scruffy middle-aged man.

  “Kinley! Mary and I are so excited to have you back!” he says with a huge smile.

  “Oh, um … thank you! I’m really glad to be back. I had a great time with the kids last summer,” I tell him, stumbling over my words. Mr. Fellows is standing just a little too close so I do my best to take a small step back and pretend I’m looking for something in my camera case. Mr. Fellows is awesome, but he has one of those off-putting appearances. He looks like your creepy uncle who you only see at Thanksgiving … the one whose hazy line of boundaries you tolerate. On the other hand, personality-wise, he’s like your cool uncle that you only see once a year who covers for you with your parents while you do stuff you probably shouldn’t be doing, like hanging around a bonfire all night drinking.

  “Speaking of cameras,” he says, pointing to my bag. “I was wondering if we could give you a bit of a different job assignment this summer. We want to do a new brochure for the camp and have a bigger feature of the scholarship kids in it as well as on the website. I’m not going to use the photographer we’ve used in the past. They could only come a few days out of the whole summer, so they were missing so many of the great spontaneous moments we have here. So … Mary and I were talking and we wondered how you would feel about being the official Camp at Lake Hollis photographer?”

  “What? Are you kidding me? You want to pay me to take pictures … all summer?” Now I really am taken back. This is amazing! More than I could have ever dreamed of!

  He smiles and laughs at my astonishment. “Yes, Kinley, I do! Mary and I loved the prints you gave us last year, and I lost count on the number of emails we got from parents thanking us for having a professional photographer on staff!”

  “Oh my gosh, Mr. Fellows! You won’t be sorry! I was already going to work on my portfolio this summer, but now that I won’t be trying to fit it in between teaching kids how to paddle a canoe, it’s going to be even better! I mean, I’ll still definitely help out if you need me to, but … oh my gosh!” I throw my arms around his neck and chant my thanks to him. When I release him I try to fix his shirt. That’s when I realize that the buttons are off and his whole shirt is crooked. “I won’t let you down!”

  “I know you won’t. Now, if you need to use the tech cabin, just let me know. As you know, the campers can use it once a week and you counselors have access in the evening, but if you need me to turn the Wi-Fi on for you outside of then, just let me know. You can upload the pictures to the current year file. There are other files of pictures there, but I’m sure you’re not interested in our vacation t
o the Grand Canyon, or Mary’s pictures of her trips to see her mother.” Mr. Fellows puts his hand to the side of his mouth like he’s going to tell me something very hush-hush. “I don’t even care enough to look at that one!” We laugh and he begins to walk away.

  “Thank you so much, Mr. Fellows! I won’t let you down!” I call to him.

  “Thank you, Kinley! We really can’t wait to see what you get!”

  Mr. Fellows leaves me in my ecstatic state, bubbling over with excitement. I’ve done some modeling shoots for friends and friends of friends, but I did all those dirt cheap. We both got great pictures to add to our portfolios so it was a win-win. But this is my first real photography job! He’s going to use my pictures for their new brochures and on their website! I can’t wait to tell Addy.

  Addy. Oh, no.

  I look back to where Miller was sitting but he’s gone. Pushing the door open to the porch of the dining cabin, I scan the yard but don’t see him. Addy is going to kill me. No, no … she’ll be fine. I’ll just tell her my good news. Once she hears that the Fellows hired me as the official Lake Hollis photographer, I’m sure she’ll be happy for me and understand. I’ll catch up with Miller at the bonfire and everything will be fine.

  The sun is beginning to set and I decide that now is the perfect time to get some test shots in. It’ll also buy me some extra time before I have to deal with Addy.

  I walk toward the lake slowly, eyeing how the light is streaming through the trees. The sun doesn’t set on this side of the lake, it rises. The sky is beginning to glow, creating that strange transition between day and night. There are streams of light coming through parts of the trees and yet the darkness is beginning to creep into some places.