Here to Stay

by Catherine Anderson

  They had been involved in an intimate relationship now since late March, and during that time, Zach had done everything in his power to prove he was nothing like her father. Yet she still didn’t trust him, not in the deep, unconditional way he yearned for, anyway. He didn’t understand that. The last two months had been the happiest of his life, and every signal from Mandy told Zach she felt the same way. Luke liked him, too, and had made his approval plain. Despite the fact that they kept two households, the arrangement they had was almost perfect. Why was she so reluctant to take the next natural step and make the bond between them sacred and unbreakable?

  Zach had just folded a load of clothes and was putting a stack of Mandy’s panties in her drawer when he accidentally uncovered a plastic disk. Birth-control pills? If she’d been taking them before meeting him, she wouldn’t have been worried that first night when the condom tore, so Zach felt it was safe to assume she’d gotten the pills afterward and had chosen not to tell him. He opened the case and saw that she’d almost completed a cycle; she’d been on the pill for at least a month, if not longer.

  Zach’s stomach knotted as he slipped the disk back into her drawer. Leaving the rest of the laundry on the foot of the bed, he went in search of Mandy. He found her at the kitchen sink, scrubbing the stove burner plates. He rested his hips against the edge of the counter and leaned back slightly so he could see her face.

  “Hey,” he said, trying to keep any note of accusation out of his tone. “I was just putting clothes away and found some birth-control pills in your drawer.”

  She nodded. “I went to the clinic right after we first made love.”

  Zach searched her face. “Why, Mandy? I always use protection.”

  She rinsed a plate and set it on a towel to dry. “Yes, but as we both know, prophylactics aren’t always effective. I can’t risk getting pregnant.” She lifted her slender shoulders in a shrug. “It’s not that I doubt my ability to raise a child alone. I’d love to have a baby and think I’d be a great mom. But caring for Luke is already almost more than I can handle. So it’s best if I play it safe—for now, anyway.”

  Zach couldn’t feel his feet. He crossed to the table and sank onto a kitchen chair, staring at her back in bewilderment. “Do you honestly think I’d get you pregnant and leave you in the lurch?” he asked. “No way, Mandy. I’d marry you. You wouldn’t be a single mom with a blind brother to look after. I’d be there to help out. I like Luke and truly enjoy having him around. As for a baby, I can’t claim to be an old hand at changing diapers, but I’m a quick study. We’d raise our child together.”

  Mandy turned from the sink, her face losing color as she emphatically shook her head. “I’ve been up front with you from the start, Zach. I will never get married, not to you or anyone else. I just can’t go there.”

  Zach tried to stay calm. “I understand you have more reason than most women to feel uneasy about marriage, but I figured you’d get past that with time. Now that you’ve come to know me, surely you realize I’d never hurt you or be a dictatorial husband.”

  “You definitely won’t, because I’ll never give you a chance.”

  Zach felt as if a horse had just kicked him in the solar plexus. Looking at her beloved face, every line of which had been engraved on his heart, he suddenly felt as if he were facing a stranger. Dimly he was aware that Luke had emerged from his bedroom and stood frozen in the doorway.

  “We have a great thing going between us, Zach. Why can’t you be content with that? I love you.” She pressed a fist to her chest. “I truly do. But loving you doesn’t mean I want to marry you.”

  As a small child, Zach had liked to peer into his mother’s curio cabinet at all her knickknacks. His favorite piece had been a beautiful little hummingbird made of blown glass. At certain times of day when the light had struck it just right, it sent out a rainbow of color. One afternoon, the temptation to touch it became so strong that he lifted the hummingbird from the shelf with his clumsy little fingers and lost his hold on it. The figurine shattered into tiny fragments. To this day, he remembered staring at the shimmering pieces, wishing he could glue them back together.

  He felt exactly that same way now. Unbeknownst to him until this moment, his relationship with Mandy was made of blown glass, beautiful on the surface, but too fragile to hold together over time.

  “I love you, too,” he said hoarsely, “but for me, love and marriage go hand in hand. What do you expect of me, Mandy, to just keep things as they are indefinitely with no thought of our future? I want to have babies with you. I want to grow old with you and sit on the veranda someday to watch our grandchildren play in the yard. I can’t sneak around to have sex with you for the rest of my life.” He glanced uneasily at Luke. “I want and need more, and damn it, I think I deserve more.”

  Mandy’s eyes went round and filled with tears. Her mouth trembled as she said, “You undoubtedly do, Zach, but I have nothing more to offer.”

  Zach pushed to his feet and went to the bathroom to collect his toiletry items. Next he went to the bedroom to get his changes of clothes. Mandy trailed behind him. From the doorway, she asked, “What are you doing?”

  Zach couldn’t believe it had come to this. “I think that’s obvious. I’m leaving.”

  She gripped the doorframe as if she needed the support. “For good?”

  “That will depend on you,” he told her. “You are in serious need of some counseling. Your father is a heartless bastard, and I totally understand why you have trust issues. But if you really love me, Mandy, you’ll get some help and move forward. ”

  Zach pushed past her, briefly touched Luke’s shoulder as he stepped around him to collect Rosebud, and then left the house.

  Mandy couldn’t move. The slam of the front door resounded in her ears. She was shaking so badly that she could barely stand up.

  Luke went to the table and slumped on a chair. “Well, Mands, you did a bang-up job of getting rid of him. I hope that was what you wanted.”

  “Shut up, Luke,” she said in a thin, quavering voice. “This is none of your business.”

  “Damn right it’s my business. He’s sharing my sister’s bed and living at our house. I heard the whole thing. How could you talk to him that way?”

  Tears streamed down Mandy’s cheeks. “Is it so wrong to be honest? What would you suggest, that I lie to him?”

  Luke shook his head. “I suggest that you take Zach’s advice and get some counseling. A really great guy just did everything but beg you to marry him, and you turned him down, not because you don’t love him, but because our father is such a jerk.” In agitation, he tapped the floor with his cane. “How do you think Zach felt when you told him you’d never give him a chance to hurt you or be a dictatorial husband? You as much as said, straight out, that you believe he would hurt you and be a bastard if you gave him an opportunity. He didn’t deserve that from you, Mandy. It was a horrible thing to say to him. He’s never done one damn thing that wasn’t in our best interests and you know it.”

  “Don’t swear,” she said. Autopilot. She needed to think.

  “Then don’t be a stupid idiot.”

  Mandy needed to be alone. She went to her office and tried to work, but she could barely see through her tears. Zach Harrigan was a proud man. She knew he wouldn’t come crawling back. And, oh, God, she already missed him, and he’d been gone for only an hour. How was she going to feel after a week or a month?

  Counseling. Mandy didn’t believe talking to someone about her deepest fears would make a difference. Why couldn’t she be like other women? Zach would marry her in a blink. He was handsome and fun to be with and kind. In short, he was a dream come true. Why, then, did the thought of marrying him make her feel as if she couldn’t breathe? She’d overcome her aversion to alcohol by taking a drink. Why couldn’t she overcome her aversion to marriage by simply saying, “I do”?

  Mandy buried her face in the fold of her arm and wept until her temples throbbed. She loved Zach with a
ll her heart, but marrying him would be her worst nightmare. And he was right: He did deserve more. He deserved everything, and she just didn’t have it to give him. He’d find someone, someday, who was good enough for him.

  No. He wouldn’t. Because no one was good enough for him, including her.

  Zach had never considered himself obsessive, but he caught himself checking his cell phone and answering machine fifty times a day. At first he’d been fairly sure that Mandy would break down and call him, but when a week passed, he had to accept that she might never do so. The long and short of it was that she was too messed up, and even with counseling, that might never change. It’s over. Knowing that nearly broke Zach’s heart, but he needed to get the concept through his thick skull. She refused to marry him, and Zach couldn’t remain in a relationship that could never go anywhere. He’d been raised with strong values. If he shacked up with a woman indefinitely, his father would have a coronary. Zach loved Mandy, but he needed more from her than just sex.

  A week became two, and two became three. Zach continued training Rosebud, determined to get the little horse ready for Luke. Zach and Mandy had crashed and burned, but that wasn’t Luke’s doing. Zach wanted the young man to have Rosebud. He’d made that clear when Luke called one day, so the young man knew that Rosebud was a certainty in his future.

  When a month had passed without a word from Mandy, Zach told himself that the ache in his chest was fading and that he rarely thought about her now. He was moving on with his life, putting his memories of her away in a deep, hidden place inside of him.

  Most of these thoughts came to Zach when he was sloshed. In the evenings, he couldn’t stand the silence of the house or the silence of the phone or the emptiness in every room. God, he missed her—the lilt of her voice, her zany sense of humor, and her infectious laughter. He wondered sometimes if he would ever laugh again. He found solace in a bottle, which he knew was foolish, but a part of him felt a sense of satisfaction with every swallow. For Mandy, he’d stopped drinking almost entirely, and she still hadn’t wanted to build a life with him. So what difference did it make if he drank? He was hurting no one but himself.

  One evening the phone rang. Mandy’s name popped up in the display window. Zach’s heart leaped with joy. Then he told himself to get a grip. There were a hundred different reasons why she could be calling. It was highly unlikely that she’d changed her mind about allowing him to put a wedding ring on her finger.

  “Yo, this is Zach.”

  “Hey, Zach, it’s Luke.”

  Zach dropped onto a chair and squeezed his eyes closed. Idiot. Of course it wasn’t Mandy calling. He’d been crazy to let himself hope it was. “Hi, Luke. How’s it going?”

  “I just called to give you an update. Detective Randolph called to tell us the forensics report came back today. In addition to some other evidence I’m not clear on, Mom’s hyoid bone was broken, and the medical examiner’s office has ruled it as death by manual strangulation. Mandy wouldn’t have had the strength in her hands to break that bone, and other stuff rules her out and implicates our father. He’s been formally charged with murder. He’s screaming to high heaven that he isn’t guilty, but no one believes him. It’ll probably be months before he goes to trial, but it’ll happen eventually. I’m hoping the bastard gets a life sentence.”

  Zach wondered how Mandy was handling the news. Her worst fear had been that her mother had endured a torturous demise, and Zach didn’t think strangulation was a painless way to go. “How’s Mandy doing?”

  “Not good,” Luke replied. “She’s lost heaps of weight since you left. I know that because she bought some smaller belts to hold her slacks and jeans up. Then this afternoon after Randolph called, she got on the computer to look up manual strangulation and learned that it can take several minutes for the victim to die. She went totally over the edge, man.”

  Zach felt as if a knife has been plunged into his heart. He’d never meant for things to turn out this way. “I’m really sorry to hear that, buddy.”

  Luke sighed. “Not your fault. I heard what she said to you that morning. I would’ve walked out, too.”

  “Where is she now?” Zach couldn’t resist asking.

  “Lying down. I think she cried herself to sleep.”

  Zach wished ... Oh, hell, he didn’t know what he wished. “Well, it’s a small offering, but I got some news today, too. Maybe it’ll cheer her up. Steve Ristol, the guy who abused Tornado, was convicted this morning on forty-three separate counts of animal cruelty, and in Oregon each offense is a felony. He’s being sent up for twenty-five years, and he won’t be eligible for parole for fifteen. If he gets out early, he’ll never be allowed to work with horses again without jeopardizing his freedom.”

  When Zach and Luke ended the call, Zach sat in the deepening shadows of the kitchen, staring at nothing. Maybe he should take Rosebud over for a visit with Luke. Or he might call Mandy to express his condolences. Better yet, why didn’t he just show up on her doorstep and sweep her into his arms? To hell with worrying about their future.

  In the end, though, all Zach did was crack open a new jug of whiskey. He and Mandy were poles apart on the subject of marriage. If there was any one thing that Frank Harrigan had taught Zach during his growing-up years, it was to always be true to himself. Zach had had sex with women outside of marriage. What single man who reached his thirties hadn’t? But he could never be in a long-term relationship without making it right in the eyes of God. It just wasn’t how he was wired.

  If he went back to Mandy on her terms and she accidentally got pregnant, Zach would want to marry her and give the child his name. Mandy would never agree to that. Frank Harrigan truly would have a heart attack if a grandchild of his was raised as a bastard. Old-fashioned term, but Frank was an old-fashioned man, and that was how he would see it: that Zach’s kid wasn’t getting a fair shake. Zach agreed. Maybe he was as hopelessly old-fashioned as his father, but he didn’t know how to change.

  He’d made it for more than a month without her. Seeing her now would only prolong the torture. She’d drawn the line in the dirt. He couldn’t step over it and be the man she wanted him to be. It just wasn’t in him.

  Another two weeks dragged by. Late one evening, Zach was well into a bottle of tequila, his new poison of choice, when a knock came at the door. He swore under his breath. His family was concerned about him, and lately they’d been taking turns coming over. The nightly visits, though well-intentioned, were starting to wear on Zach’s nerves. It wasn’t as if he were suicidal or anything. A man had a right to drink if he wanted. Why couldn’t they just leave him the hell alone?

  He shoved to his feet and strode over to the door. By his calculations, it was Quincy’s turn to come tonight. As Zach drew the door open, he said, “If you brought another green smoothie, you’re going to be wearing it when you leave.”

  Shock coursed through him when he saw Mandy standing on his porch. She was alarmingly frail. Her face was so pale that her hazel eyes looked gigantic. Zach stared at her stupidly for several seconds before he found the presence of mind to invite her in.

  She stepped over the threshold and moved aside so he could shut the door.

  He gestured at the table. “Have a seat.”

  She wore a lightweight summer blouse the color of a watermelon rind without the streaks, and a pair of white capris. Both garments swallowed her. Luke hadn’t exaggerated: She’d lost a shitload of weight.

  She took a chair. Zach saw her gaze shift to the bottle of tequila. Then she flicked a questioning look at him.

  He shrugged. “I’m three sheets to the wind. So shoot me. I lost the love of my life a month and a half ago, and I’m drowning my sorrow in booze.” When she said nothing, he joined her at the table and refilled his tumbler, bypassing ice. He would have shot the damned stuff straight into his vein if that had been an option. “I pretty much gave up drinking for you,” he told her as he took a slug. “You tossed me aside like so much garbage anyway. So
what’s the frigging point? Abstaining sucks.”

  She leaned across the table and took the glass from his hand. “You haven’t lost me,” she told him, her voice tremulous. “I took your advice and started seeing a counselor.”

  Zach’s heart jerked. “And?”

  “The sessions haven’t brought about a magical cure, but I am working through my problems.”

  “That’s nice.” Great answer. Careful, Zach. She’s broken your heart once. Don’t open yourself up to it again. “So where does that leave us, Mandy, still on hold?”

  Her eyes clung to his. “I came here tonight to ask a favor. It’ll probably sound stupid.”

  “What kind of favor?”

  “To please not give up on me.” Her eyes went bright with tears. “I’ve been so worried that you’ll find someone else that I can’t sleep at night. I’m still not ready to get married yet, but I think I will be eventually. I just need to know you’re willing to wait.”

  Zach sank back in the chair. She was worried that he’d find someone else? If it hadn’t been so sad, he would have laughed. He’d looked high and low for the right lady, and Mandy was it for him. “Mandy, please don’t take this wrong, but where the hell were you when I told you how much I love you? There’ll never be anyone else.”

  “Truly?”

  Zach’s stomach was in knots and his hands had started to shake. He grabbed the tequila bottle and took three big swallows. Wiping his mouth, he whacked the jug back down on the table. “I seldom say things I don’t mean.” He passed a hand over his eyes. “I love you. So much I can’t think of a way to describe it. I’ll happily wait if you’re going to counseling and seriously trying to get your act together.”

  “Oh, yes, I am seriously trying. It—” She broke off and smoothed the palm of her hand over the tabletop. “It isn’t easy. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gone to a session and wished you were there. I’m discovering—and this isn’t easy to admit��that I’m a lot more mixed-up than I realized.” She tapped her nails against the waxed walnut surface. “I’ve almost called you so many times. Just to talk, you know. To tell you about the day’s session and what I got out of it. Sometimes I’d get your number almost dialed and then lose my nerve at the last second.”