A State of Jane

by Schorr, Meredith

  “Really? I didn't notice any weird phase. Your personality has been totally consistent since we've met.”

  “What? I was all jealous and bitter for a while remember? I'm not like that now.”

  Lainie looked at me blankly. “I don't see any difference.”

  “C'mon! Really?”

  Lainie burst out laughing and I threw my dirty napkin at her before joining in.

  “So, how do your parents feel about this? Antoine doesn't exactly qualify as a ‘polite Southern Boy,’” I said.

  Lainie bit her lip. “I still haven't told them. But I will. And they'll have to deal with it. I'll blame it on them for not throwing me a bigger cotillion with more ‘appropriate’ suitors.” She smiled. “It will be fine. Don't worry your pretty little head about me.”

  As I lay in bed that night, I felt tightness in my chest as I thought about how my living situation would change in a couple of months. I'd ask Marissa if she wanted to move in, but if she was happy living on her own, I'd probably have to go through Craigslist again. My room smelled like freshly baked cookies and I fought the urge to go to the kitchen for a midnight snack. Maybe Lainie was right and baking, not law, was my true calling. Going to law school was all I'd ever dreamed about, and my dad would be so disappointed if I didn't join him in his practice, but maybe I could bake cakes for all of the attorneys and staff on their birthdays. Or I could bring homemade muffins to all of the meetings. Clients would love me! I could always open my own bakery after I retired. I slowly breathed in through my nose and out my mouth and tried to free my mind of all thoughts. As my dad liked to say, “It will all work out. It always does.”

  CHAPTER 47

  I attached the scanned document to my email, ran spell check again, and hit “send.” Then I looked at the clock. Stretching my arms over my head, I yawned, grabbed my pocketbook, and walked to the bathroom to freshen up. I still had two hours before the spring party upstairs in the firm's cafeteria would be over.

  I got out of the elevator on the 41st floor, turned right, and went straight to the man in the monkey suit serving glasses of champagne. It was the good stuff, not the cheap vomit-inducing crap we usually drank on New Year's Eve. I took a sip and surveyed the room. Members of the secretarial staff were dirty dancing with the guys from the file room and one sole corporate partner was swinging his assistant around the dance floor. I quickly scanned the image to my memory so I wouldn't be intimidated if he ever called on me for work. Then I looked for someone I knew.

  “There you are! I've been looking for you!”

  I turned around and saw Bethany smiling at me. “Hey! I had to finish something for one of my attorneys.” I took another sip of my champagne. “Boy does this taste good right about now. New nose ring?”

  Bethany touched her finger to the tiny stud in her nose and shook her head. “I got it about a month ago, but you've been MIA lately.”

  “Between work and studying for the LSAT, I've been really busy. Didn't mean to neglect you.”

  Draping her arms around my shoulders, Bethany smiled and said, “You can make up for it tonight.”

  “What did you have in mind?” I wasn't sure Frances wanted to come out to play.

  “Dance!”

  Taking one last gulp of my champagne, I put the glass on the nearest table and joined Bethany on the dance floor, singing, “And now the dudes are lining up cuz they hear we've got swagger but we kick them to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger. Tik Tok on the clock…”

  An hour or so later, I sat at one of the tables, chugging water and catching my breath from dancing nonstop.

  Bethany returned from the bar, placed a drink in front of me and said, “In case you changed your mind about not needing another drink.”

  Glancing at the brown liquid in the glass, I said, “Is this Coke?”

  Bethany nodded. “Yup. Diet Coke! Not that you need it.”

  Appearing behind her, Andrew said, “I wouldn't trust her if I were you.” He picked up the glass, inhaled and said, “Captain and Coke.”

  “Captain and Diet Coke,” Bethany said.

  “In any event, I appreciate the gesture, but not interested in getting drunk this evening,” I said.

  “Bad Jane not coming out to play tonight?” Andrew asked.

  “Bad Jane has been exorcised,” I said.

  “Too bad. She was fun,” Andrew said.

  “I thought you hated her,” I said.

  Andrew winked. “She had her moments.”

  “Tell me about it,” Bethany said with a chuckle.

  “What's that supposed to mean?” Andrew asked, his eyes dilating.

  Before Bethany could answer, I said, “I'll never tell” and dragged Bethany back to the dance floor as the DJ announced last call and “My Life Would Suck Without You” came on.

  Laughing, Bethany said, “What was his name? William, right?”

  I put a finger to my lips, shook my head and said, “Shhh”, but as I swung my hips to the music, I smiled thinking back to that day in Hoboken and waking up to “Beauty Mark Guy” in my bed. Bad Jane certainly did have her moments, but if I had the chance, I'd experience some all over again without changing a thing.

  CHAPTER 48

  Getting a ticket for drinking in public was probably not among the things I'd do the same if I could go back in time. Standing in the endless line to get into the court room, I glanced at my watch. Thank God they were calling us in alphabetical order or I'd have to take a week off from work instead of just a day. I glanced around at the other people in line. Most looked to be around my age, give or take a couple of years. No one looked particularly seedy and I wondered out loud if it was always so crowded.

  The guy behind me said, “I'd say at least eighty percent of the people here got tickets at the Hoboken St. Patrick's Day Parade.”

  I turned around in surprise. “Really? That's why I'm here.”

  He smiled. “Open container?”

  “Yeah! You too?”

  He nodded and whispered, “We're the cream of the crop. The guy behind me got caught taking a whiz by a car.”

  “Gross!”

  Shrugging, he said, “Not that I never took a piss in public, but open container is much classier.”

  “Agreed.” Speaking softly in case anyone was listening, I said, “The cop purposely made my ticket void.”

  “Wrong spelling of your name?”

  “No, wrong birthday!”

  “Right. Same shit.”

  I smiled and turned back around as the line began to move and we were brought into the court room. As the court officer directed me to one side of the room and my new friend to the other, I waved and said, “Good luck!”

  He waved back and said, “You too!”

  Two hours later, I walked out of the court room onto Washington Street and breathed in the fresh air. The case dismissed as promised by the police officer, I said, “Free at last. Thank God almighty, we are free at last!”

  * * *

  “So, I spent about four and a half hours waiting around and my case was dismissed in about thirty seconds,” I told Marissa later that night over dinner. Marissa was craving Pad Thai. I was mostly excited for Thai iced tea.

  “Did you have to plead your case or request that the judge go easy on you since it was your first offense?” Marissa paused. “This is your first offense right?”

  “Of course. Aside from that little manslaughter charge in '99.” I rolled my eyes. “Seriously, Marissa?”

  Shrugging, Marissa said, “You're not the same goody-goody you used to be. All I'm sayin'.”

  “I've never been a goody two shoes!”

  Marissa raised her eyebrows.

  “OK. So I've been an upstanding member of society for most of my life. Sue me!” I took a long sip of my iced tea, stopping only because I didn't want to finish it yet. It was so sweet and creamy, I could have sucked it down in a single sip, but I was determined to pace myself to prolong the pleasure. “Anyway, what were we
saying?”

  Eyeing my iced tea, Marissa said, “That the case was dismissed in thirty seconds. Can I have a sip?”

  I knew she'd regret ordering just a water. I reluctantly pushed the glass to her side of the table. “That's right. They called my name, I walked up to the judge and when the court appointed attorney said the police officer put the wrong date of birth on my ticket, the case was dismissed. Just like that. Really boring, actually. Please kill me if the only job I get after law school is a defense attorney for the state trying these ridiculous cases.”

  Marissa laughed and said, “Well, you can always make up a more exciting version to tell your dates.”

  “I have no idea when I'll be going on another date but feel free to use my story on one of yours.”

  Marissa leaned forward. “Speaking of which, any cute guys there?”

  “Where?” I leaned forward too, mimicking her body language.

  “In court!”

  I visualized myself back on the endless line to get into the courtroom, but couldn't picture any of the other people on line. “I have no idea. I was reading Anthony Bourdain's memoir while I waited. I only spoke to one person the entire day.”

  “Girl or boy?”

  “Boy.”

  “Was he cute?”

  “I don't know.” Back on line in my head again, I squinted as if doing so would allow me to see him better. It always worked when I watched television. But all I got was a faceless guy with brown hair. “Maybe. I don't remember.”

  “Frank, you're slipping!”

  Laughing, I said, “OK. Next time I get a ticket for open container, I'll do a better job scoping out men in court. What about you? Any dates coming up?”

  Marissa nodded excitedly. “Yes! His name is Jason, he's a computer programmer, and he's seriously sweet and cute. We had our first date on Friday night. We met at the City Bakery for hot chocolate and cookies. He has a major sweet tooth but you wouldn't know it from looking at him. He…”

  “Slow down! You're talking a mile a minute,” I laughed. I hadn't seen Marissa this animated in a long time and I was so happy for her. “When's your second date?” I held my breath, praying he had already asked her out again.

  “Tomorrow!”

  I raised my hand to give her a high-five. “Hooray!”

  Marissa clapped her hand against mine. “I'm so excited but trying not to get my hopes up too high. It's only a second date.”

  “You have a right to be excited. Even if doesn't work out, at least you'll know there are still guys out there you actually like. But I will cross my fingers and toes that it works out. I'll even cross my eyes!” I crossed my eyes at Marissa to prove my point.

  “Ha! I appreciate it.”

  “Between Jason and your promotion, looks like things are looking up for you. You deserve it.”

  “Thanks, Jane. We both deserve it!”

  “Agreed. But for now, I think we should get the check.” I glanced around the restaurant hoping to spot our waiter. “I have some studying to do.”

  CHAPTER 49

  I was putting the finishing touches on my tuna casserole, a new recipe I had dreamed up, when my phone rang. Bob. I hadn't spoken to him in a while and wondered if his call had anything to do with my recent encounter with Trish. Cheerily, I answered, “Hey there! How's my favorite ex-boyfriend?”

  Bob laughed. “I'm OK, Jane. How are you?”

  “I'm good!”

  “Wow, you sound like you're in good spirits.”

  “I am. I'm more than prepared for the LSAT, about to be an aunt, on good terms with my friends and family and making a mess in my kitchen, cooking up a storm. Life could be worse.” As the words left my mouth, I felt warmth in my heart in the realization that I really was happy. “To what do I owe the honor of your call?” There was silence on the other end of the phone. “Bob? You still there?”

  “Yeah, I'm still here.”

  “What's going on? You sound weird.”

  I heard Bob exhale into the phone. “Jane, I, uh, have to tell you something, and I really don't want to.”

  I felt my pulse beat faster and the warmth in my heart changed to goose-bumps on my arms. “What the hell? Is everything OK? Just tell me!” I remembered when Bob's aunt passed away and her brother had emailed the news to Bob and asked him to tell his mother. He knew the death would hit his mom hard and hated being the messenger. I didn't think I'd heard him so reluctant to talk since then. “Bob? Just tell me. I can take it.” I sure hoped I could take it.

  Bob sighed loudly again. “OK, here goes nothing. Trish doesn't think we should be friends anymore.”

  Confused, I said, “You and Trish? That makes no sense.” Then I realized what he meant. “She doesn't think you and me should be friends anymore? Why?”

  “She thinks it's inappropriate since we dated for so long and now I'm going to be married to her. She said it's awkward.”

  I sat down at my kitchen table. “That makes no sense, Bob! She told me at your party that she wanted us all to be friends. Even thanked me for training you so well!”

  “Yeah, but that was before you started acting weird.”

  I rolled my eyes. “I apologized to her for that. Didn't she tell you? I told her I was going through a phase.”

  “I know, but…”

  “But what? Didn't you tell her I'm perfectly normal?”

  “Yeah, but…”

  “But what?” I stood up again and paced the kitchen floor, one hand holding the phone and the other chewing on my cuticles.

  “She thinks you acted weird because you're still in love with me.”

  I felt my eyes bug out. “Puleeze! I broke up with you! Did you tell her that?” He probably didn't. He probably told her it was mutual or something to protect his manly pride. Or that he broke up with me!

  “She knows that. But she thinks you regret that decision now that you can't find anyone.”

  Ouch. “Well, that's just ridiculous and you know it.”

  Speaking almost in a whisper, Bob said, “I know, Jane. I'm sorry. But she's my fiancée, the future mother of my children. I have to do this for her. It won't be forever. Just let her calm down a bit. After we're married, I'll talk to her again.”

  “Wait, I'm not going to be invited to the wedding?” I felt my eyes water. Despite my fear that I wouldn't have a date aside from my dad, Bob had been the most important man in my life. And now he was shutting me out. Why? Because I told Trish I was using guys for sex? Or was it because I mentioned that Bob was a good lover? “I can't believe this,” I said. I wasn't sure if I was speaking to Bob or myself. “OK, then.”

  “I'm sorry, Jane. Give me time and I promise she'll come around. I'm gonna miss you.”

  “Yeah, I'll miss you too,” I said absently as the tears blurred my focus. I wiped them away. “I gotta go, Bob. Take care.”

  CHAPTER 50

  “OK Frank, pack it up.”

  I looked up from my computer and over at Andrew. “What are you talking about?”

  “Let's get a drink. We're working too hard.” Standing up, he said, “C'mon, you can finish that later.”

  Grabbing my pocketbook from my desk drawer, I said, “Just one.”

  “You can drink one for my two. Deal?”

  “Deal. You think I need a jacket?” It had been warm earlier when I had picked up lunch, but it was after 8:00 now and the necessity of outerwear at night was unpredictable this time of year.

  “Nah. We'll just go to Hillstone.”

  I grimaced. The last time I had been to Hillstone was when I thought Andrew liked me and when I'd convinced myself the feelings were mutual. I still thought he was a great guy (who sometimes wore a douchebag's suit), but my romantic feelings for him had disappeared in a New York minute. Similar to Randall, Jim, and Cory's romantic interest in me. Single New Yorkers sure were fickle, I thought with a chuckle.

  “What's so funny?” Andrew looked down at his black shoes, up the length of his gray pants and back to me.
“Did I skip a button on my shirt or something?”

  “No. Was just thinking about something. So, Hillstone it is. The Pinot Grigio was really good.”

  A few minutes later, we were sitting at the bar. Well, I was sitting. Andrew, chivalrous as always, insisted I take the last bar stool.

  “So what's going on, Jane?” Andrew said, his back to the guy on the barstool to the right of me.

  Looking up at him, I said, “Nothing much. What about you? How's Farah?” I was genuinely pleased for him at this point and wanted to express interest in his relationship, if only to remove any suspicion Andrew might have that I had liked him “more than a friend.”

  “The honeymoon is over and I still haven't cheated!”

  Rolling my eyes, I said, “Am I supposed to award you a medal or something?”

  “Maybe a gold star.”

  “You're pathetic, Andrew,” I said, laughing.

  “What about you?”

  “What about me?”

  “I haven't seen you crying at work lately. Things must be good.”

  “Things are fine. The LSAT is in a few weeks. I've been studying nonstop.”

  “How's your love life?”

  “Don't have one right now.”

  “How's your sex life?” Andrew inserted his right pointer finger in and out of the O shape he had formed with his left hand.

  “Don't have… Whoa! Mind your own business, buddy,” I said, jabbing him lightly in the belly. The girls next to me on the other side got up to leave and I slid over a barstool and motioned for Andrew to take my seat. “Honestly, I'm too busy to think about my love life right now. Maybe when the LSAT is over I'll go back online. Or maybe I won't.”

  “I can set you up with Brandon or Don. Just pick one this time!”

  I stuck my tongue out at him.

  “I'm serious!”

  “Well, that's very sweet of you, Andrew. But not now. Maybe ask me again in a few months.”

  He narrowed his eyes at me. “That's it?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “No complaining about being single? No ranting that guys suck?”