Love at Sea

by Preston Walker

  “I checked out on our profit early this morning,” the alpha said. He stood very tall and straight, making Ash tremble slightly at how handsome his form was. “I’m not going to tell you greenhorns what the number was, but I will tell you that it’s better than we did last season.”

  Ash and Hank exchanged a look with each other. It didn’t really seem fair not to tell them what they made overall, but perhaps it was just a seniority thing.

  “It’s going to be enough to make some much-needed repairs to the Storming Lady and to actually pay you.” Linden flashed a tired grin. “For a bit there, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to. But, here.”

  From his pocket, he produced a small stack of checks and handed the first one to Skip. The second-in-command glanced at it as though he could hardly care less. Then, shoving it unceremoniously into his bag of clothing, he transformed and leapt off the boat with his fur slicked down so that he resembled a leaping fish.

  “Where’s he going?” Ash asked.

  No one answered him for a moment, as though the question hadn’t been of the most intelligent sort. Then, Linden put him out of his misery by answering, although he didn’t look at Ash as he did. “He’s going home. We’re done here. No more reason for him to stay.”

  One by one, the others all did the same. When Hank got his check and looked at the numbers on it, he snorted and shook his head. “I’m sorry I ever took this shitty job. This was a waste of my time.”

  Ash cringed a little, expecting Linden to be furious, but the Captain just blinked and spoke nonchalantly. “Sorry that the pay wasn’t what you wanted, but I tried to prepare you for what to expect at the end of all of this. Too bad you didn’t listen.”

  Hank bristled visibly, his arm hair prickling and standing up straight. “You’re all a bunch of poor fucks. I’m joining a better boat next season.”

  Then, he leapt over the edge and was gone in the next instant. Ash and Linden were left alone together.

  “Why didn’t you tear his throat out?” Ash blurted out.

  “What point would there be in that?”

  “He just bad-mouthed you!”

  Linden actually looked amused. “Bad-mouthed me? How PG-rated can you get, Ash?”

  Ash growled a little, not sure what to say in response to that.

  Linden looked out to the horizon line, where the sky met the sea. “What point is there in trying to tell people how they should really feel? Or in trying to change their minds when they’re set on something? I told him what would happen at the end of the season, but I was the only one who would hire him because times are rough for everyone. I was the only one dumb enough to take on an untrained greenhorn with a temper problem. Even those who aren’t shapeshifters can tell that he would always be challenging authority and causing issues.”

  Ash leaned in, aware that this was the most his alpha had ever said to him at one time. Surprisingly, the words coming from him were incredibly intelligent.

  “Still, I hired him because he wouldn’t be convinced otherwise. And now, he won’t be convinced to anything else still, and I wouldn’t want him to be. Why would I want him back? Why would I care? It’s none of my business what he does with his life now, or what he says about me to my face. They’re only words.”

  “Does that mean what I think it means?”

  That earned him a strange look from the alpha. “That depends on what you think it means, Ash.”

  Again, the sound of his own name practically had him melting. “You aren’t going to change my mind about what I’m trying to do with you, so you’re just going to let it happen. Right?”

  Perhaps not the most eloquent way of putting it, but he hoped the message would get across.

  Unfortunately, that wasn’t what happened. Linden’s amused expression went slack and flat. “What are you trying to do with me?”

  “I don’t understand,” Ash said slowly, mentally trying to back up a bit. “We’re mates. I thought we were getting closer. I thought you were accepting—”

  “No!” Linden suddenly burst out. He looked furious, and a little bit terrified. “That’s not why at all, okay? I needed you there so I wouldn’t have to think about you every damn second of the day, so I could focus on what I needed to do. I don’t want anything to do with you. I still don’t. Sex is just sex.”

  “You’re lying!” Ash shot back. “You’re a fucking liar, Linden! You keep contradicting yourself!”

  The alpha threw his hands into the air. “You think you can get to know what’s in my heart after I slept with you a few times? That’s not how this works! I’ve slept with many people and none of it ever meant a damn thing other than a plain good time.”

  Ash shook his head and crossed his arms. “Then who has your heart? Why isn’t it mine? That’s how it’s supposed to be.”

  For a moment, he thought he glimpsed a crack in Linden’s armor. His slack expression twitched slightly into something else entirely different, something stricken. It was barely perceptible except for the slight downward tug at the edges of his mouth, the squint of one eye.

  Then, the aggressive mask washed over the alpha and he squared his shoulders, literally seeming to shake away his sadness. Ash wouldn’t have been surprised to be met with a flash of fangs aimed for his throat, cruel instead of simply possessive as the bite before had been, but Linden kept his distance. In fact, he actually backed away.

  “No one can have my heart. Not anyone. Not you. Don’t you think that’s why I never settled down anywhere for most of my life?”

  “I didn’t know that,” Ash whispered. “I don’t know anything about you. But I want to, Linden. I really, really want to understand you.”

  “Well, you can’t! I don’t care what you want, mate, but you can’t have it. That’s the only thing I’m going to say to you. I know I have to keep you nearby or else this stupid bond will kill us both, but if I ever come to you, it will only be because of sex! Nothing more!”

  Linden transformed into a white wolf, whose fur was bristling like icicles, but a second later he was back and shoving a small slip of paper carelessly into Ash’s hands. “There’s your fucking pay. And be happy for what I did for you. I pulled some of Hank’s pay to bulk yours up. Be happy about it and go away.”

  “I can’t take this!” Ash protested, suddenly horrified at the thought that he had been given favoritism that had shorted another. “Go tell Hank there was a mistake and swap these!”

  I don’t care about the pay! I just care about you! You’re obviously suffering.

  “I refuse to do that. If you won’t accept it, I can’t change your mind.”

  That dreadful statement again.

  Then, the cruelty Ash had been sensing in his mate suddenly surged up to the surface and Linden lashed out at him. Not physically, but with a harsh tongue that nearly drew blood in its trail. “If you won’t accept it as it is, consider it a thank-you present for letting me fuck you.”

  Ash’s eyes smarted. “Are you calling me a whore?”

  “No.” Linden smirked darkly, but there was such pain in his eyes that Ash felt tears start to streak down his cheeks. His chest ached. His whole body wanted to curl in on itself with the pain being cast by the other. He was going against everything that their nature demanded, and both the effect and the cause of it were going to ruin them both. “I’m calling you my fuckboy. I’ll fuck you when I like, but I refuse to love you. Now get off my boat, you stupid kid. What do you know of the world? You think you know something because you heard of it from your elders? That’s not how it works.”

  Just before he would have started crying fully, Ash gripped the check in his mouth and turned into his red wolf. His frantic leap down from the boat ended badly, almost sending him crashing into the water, where he just might have let himself drown. However, instinct took over and saw him catching his paws beneath himself again.

  Then, he ran.

  Tucking his head down and stretching out his legs to their full length, he ran so hard and
fast that grass tore beneath his nails and saliva dripped from his open mouth to soak into his chest fur. The day was in full bloom, a warm flower of life with petals spread wide to the beautiful blue skies. He had grown so used to the strange might of the sea that everything was oddly warm, making him feel stifled in his own skin despite the expanse of hills.

  He ran to try and escape it all, to try and separate from himself, to lose sight of all that hurt him. He ran as if it might somehow separate him from Linden, and from the painful knowledge that the other was doing the exact same thing as he. They were both trying to escape something that could never be left behind.

  And still he ran, until he was worn and ragged. The terrain around him was still the same, hills and lush grass as the island enjoyed a sudden lift in the fall gloom, but he couldn’t see the shore anymore. There was no road within sight, and the grass was not tamed by constant trimming or walking. Everything seemed a bit wilder, a little more tempting.

  There were urban legends of shapeshifters who went wild, succumbing to their inner animal. They rejoined the wilderness and sank into their animal mind, regressing to a primal state from which they could not return. In time, they were said to forget how to think or feel as humans did. The only way to know a feral shifter like that was to observe their size, which typically meant alphas were easier to spot, or to notice a subconscious human sort of behavior in their animal routine. The thought of such a thing was at once frowned upon, and yet envied. Those who went that route were supposed to be mentally weak, and yet…

  Who, in the face of turmoil, didn’t wish for a simpler existence? Was it bravery or cowardice to turn down that path and never look back?

  For a moment, studying the wilderness around him, Ash was tempted by the scents and sounds and sights of it all. He could be a wild wolf and live easily by preying on small mammals, scavenging and turning omnivorous as some carnivores did in times of hardship. Nothing out here would see him as an omega to be cast away when they were done with him. Nothing out here would degrade him as a simple plaything.

  But, he turned his head away and looked back the way he came. His scent trail was a confusing ramble of a path but he followed it easily. He was very deep in the hills now, at a slightly lower elevation, and not much wind was able to penetrate through.

  He sighed softly and scuffed his paws in the grass, but then lowered his tail and started to follow his trail back through the grass. I don’t have any choice, do I?

  A sudden furious anger burst through him and he picked up his pace, not quite running because he was exhausted, but doing a wolf sort of jog.

  Linden said you can’t change someone’s mind, and he won’t change mine!

  That made him a little worried, because that meant he wouldn’t be able to change Linden’s mind, but he knew deep in his heart that his mate was lying to both of them. Linden was hiding something. He didn’t think there was anything sinister in the other wolf’s past, but there was certainly something upsetting there that had created a blockage throughout the years. The alpha thought he had his mind made up, but he was hiding behind his walls.

  Ash wasn’t going to let those walls stand. He didn’t want to break them down entirely. He just wanted to get to the point where Linden would allow him to peek up over that wall and catch a glimpse of what was on the other side. That would be enough for him.

  His burst of speed didn’t last long. He was exhausted. His long sleep hadn’t been long enough and hadn’t erased the effects of two weeks of hard labor. Before long, he was simply walking with his snout and tail dragging in the dirt.

  By the time he arrived home, noon had long since gone and evening was approaching as a deepening in the color of the sky. He dropped his check on the ground and turned back into a human. Bending over, he picked up the pointless piece of paper from beneath his shoe and then knocked on the door.

  It was answered almost immediately by one of the older children, who stared up at him silently.

  Ash was startled to find that he had to struggle to remember his name. “Hi, Josh. Can you go get Matthew and Bridgett?”

  The pup continued to stare at him without moving. Ash let out an irritable growl and reached out to gently move Josh aside.

  From the outside, the house was full of far too much movement and unnecessary talking. He would have expected the inside to be the same, but a silence fell as awareness of his presence spread through his pack.

  Then, he scented them coming.

  He looked up to see his father leaning against the kitchen doorframe, practically supporting his mother. Two weeks had changed her, and perhaps not for the best. She looked as though she hadn’t slept at all, or even eaten.

  Maybe I’m the one who’s been changed.

  “You came back,” Matthew finally said. His voice was anything but welcoming.

  “It was just a job, Dad,” Ash said roughly. He watched Matthew’s eyes flicker slightly at the sound of his voice. He wondered if his father, if everyone in the entire house, could tell that he had lost his virginity and was now “truly” mated to the fisherman alpha that they hadn’t trusted in the first place.

  “It was just a job. I got paid for it. Here.” He strode forward and thrust the check into his father’s hand, in the same way that Linden had given it to him. He realized that he had no idea how much the actual amount was, and he didn’t care. “Use it to buy textbooks for the pups or something. I don’t care. I’m going to bed.”

  No one else said anything as he left the room and went to the bedroom where he used to sleep. His spot was taken up with random junk and he sighed, gently moving it to the floor before crawling up between the covers and laying his head down. The silence in the normally busy house seemed unnatural and yet it was incredibly welcome all at once.

  He wondered if this was how Linden felt upon returning to land. Except, Ash had only been on a boat for two weeks; the alpha had spent his youth sailing, hadn’t he? That was how he met the three betas, right? Linden was so set in his ways, forming his own patterns. Ash’s arrival in his life had to be extremely unsettling, just like this silence was.

  Yet, he liked the silence. He liked the quiet that allowed him to get to sleep, the confused murmurs of his pack through the wall reminding him of the sea. He liked it, and he wondered if Linden liked him, if he was confused by the fact that he was mated. He had to be. Linden was having a hard time, and Ash had to try to understand him.

  He thought he already did, but apparently there was something else that he was missing. What was it?

  While his thoughts churned, he felt them dragging him down into the darkness of sleep. His eyes closed, and he slowly fell asleep.

  Chapter 11

  The next few months passed, and Ash fell into a sort of slump. He woke up every day determined to wait for Linden to come to him, depending on the idea that the alpha would come find him for sex as he said he would. That never happened. Linden didn’t come, and every day it became a little bit harder to wait.

  He did, though. It was a waiting game, and he wasn’t going to become part of the disappointments that fueled his mate’s disenchantment with life.

  His pack slowly became accustomed to his presence again, although after a while there he found himself craving solitude. Their presence aggravated him, so he took to wandering the hills or visiting Regina for tea at odd hours of the day. The old woman didn’t question him, but instead seemed to take as much comfort in his presence as he did in hers.

  Deep down inside, he knew that his desires were echoing what his mate was probably going through. He often wondered if they would run into each other, out there roaming the hills separately. He imagined it, daydreamed of it so vividly that it followed him into his sleep to become actual dreams. He would be wandering and suddenly catch a whiff of a familiar scent. Turning, he would catch a glimpse of white fur and then feel a heavy weight descend upon his back. Fangs would clench on his scruff, and muscular legs would press at his from behind…

  It nev
er happened.

  October had come and gone, and November swept by as well. Snow fell upon the entire state of Alaska in buckets, just in time for Christmas. Trees were shipped in by ferry, and Ash helped set up theirs in that finicky base that never quite works right. Just last year he would have been bouncing around with the pups, fighting over hanging the most expensive ornaments high up near the angel on top. It was a sort of honor to hang up those ornaments. Being able to do it was some kind of coming-of-age thing.

  This time, he sat on the couch with the adults and just smiled vaguely. He wished for it all to be over with. Opening presents felt so fake, something that only the children enjoyed because they had no idea of the struggle and effort that went into the whole process, only for the presents to be thrown away in a few days. The adults didn’t care, and now he didn’t either.

  It was around that time that he started to feel strange. Three, almost four months since he had last seen Linden, and he was beginning to feel sluggish and irrational. He was prone to moody outbursts and sudden urges to eat and eat. At other times, he didn’t want a single thing to do with food.

  He was also putting on weight, which Regina commented on once or twice. She seemed to examine him every single time he visited her, far more than a simple visit deemed necessary.

  “What’s wrong with me?” he finally asked, whispering it into his tea.

  A gnarled hand gently stroked his shoulder. “I know the answer, but I can’t tell you that, dear.”

  Ash lifted his head, holding tightly to the mug with both hands to take advantage of its warmth. He was too tired to be angry with her for being secretive. “What does that mean?”

  Regina looked down at her own tea and took a deep sip, her eyes closing as she savored the taste. “It means that there’s something you need to know, but I can’t tell you until you have fully bonded with Linden.”