Choices

by Sara Marion

  She wasn’t expecting anyone. She looked through the peep hole and saw Jack standing there. She didn’t even know he was in town. She unlocked and opened the front door.

  “Hey.”

  “Can I come in? We need to talk.”

  She opened the door all the way and let him in. Link was at her side immediately. She scratched behind his ears to let him know Jack was okay.

  “When did you get in?”

  “Doesn’t matter,” he turned to face her.

  “So you’ve been here since I called you?” Paxton knew that was the only logical explanation.

  Jack stared at her. She could see his answer lying behind his stare. “I need you to tell me why you kept the secret.”

  “How’s Duke doing? I never meant for him to find out.”

  “Well he did, Paxton. You told him so please, just answer the fucking question,” he raised his voice. Paxton shrank back.

  “I wanted to spare him the pain,” she said quietly. She was unable to look at him.

  “Really? Spare him the pain? How about the hell he is in now? You fucking sent him to his own private hell.”

  “I didn’t mean to-”

  “You kept his child from him! You decided he didn’t need to know. You decided to leave him in the dark. It was not your decision to make!” Jack was in a full on rage.

  Paxton felt the tears slide down her face. Link was growling at her side, she gave him a hand signal to be quiet as her own anger built up, “Because he watched Ella die! I didn’t want him to think about watching his unborn child die as well! I wanted him to spare him the pain! I wanted him to live in the memories and not the what-should-have-beens!” She turned and headed towards the office.

  “You should have told him. He is having nightmares. He is struggling Paxton.”

  “I need to see him.”

  “What you need is to leave him the hell alone. He doesn’t need you around right now when he’s trying to process this.”

  “Jack please-”

  “Paxton, stay the hell away, I’m warning you,” he pointed his finger at her. He started to walk around her. She reached out to him but he jerked his arm away from her.

  “Jack, please.”

  “I need to go.” He walked out of the door and Paxton fell to floor. This scene was all too familiar to her. She rocked herself. She wished she could take Duke’s pain away, take Jack’s anger away. She was responsible for it all because of a choice she made after losing Ella.

  ***

  It had been almost a month since the confrontation with Jack at the house. Paxton still hadn’t heard from either of them. Duke blocked her number after the first week. Jack however, he just sent her to voicemail. She had dropped by Duke’s apartment but he had moved out. Where he moved to, she didn’t know. Paxton didn’t even know if Jack was still in town. Paxton wondered if they moved in together or if Jack went back to New York.

  “Paxton?” Dr. Keeler’s voice brought her back to reality.

  “I’m sorry, what was the question?”

  “I was asking about your feelings about Jack and Duke. Where your feelings stand about them. ”

  “I love them both. I really do, but they both hate me so it doesn’t matter. Neither one wants anything to do with me. I mean, I expected Duke to walk away but Jack, I guess I didn’t realize how it would affect him.”

  “How did you expect Jack to react to you?”

  Paxton sat there. She didn’t know what she was expecting from Jack. He and Duke obviously had been working on their friendship. He came to Duke’s side after she called him to get his help. She wasn’t sure if he would have actually helped at the time but she was grateful that Duke was letting someone close to him.

  “Paxton?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “You had to have some sort of feeling this wouldn’t go over well.”

  “I don’t know how I expected him to react, I’m just tired of all the secrets and lies! I just want them both back. I want my old life back!”

  Dr. Keeler stayed silent. Paxton was thankful that she was able to schedule a few appointments with her. Paxton felt herself slipping back into her dark place. She was still under supervision at the hospital. She didn’t want to mess anything up there so she just needed to talk to someone who would understand. She refused to be the weak one. She was going to rebuild her life.

  “Listen, I have been in contact with Jack. He reached out to me.”

  “Did you tell him I was back in my sessions?”

  “No, but he did ask for a joint session with you. He said he wanted to discuss a few things in a neutral setting.”

  Paxton didn’t know how to respond to what Dr. Keeler just told her. Jack wanted to talk to her. Her heart kicked into gear. It was beating against her ribs. She felt a nervous rush go through her. What did he need to say that he had to be on neutral ground?

  “Do you want to join him in a session?”

  Paxton looked up. She was sure fear was reflecting in her eyes, “Yes.”

  “I’ll let him know and we can set up a time. I know you are back at the hospital, so do you want to schedule for a session you already have scheduled?

  “Yes, if it’s possible.”

  “How is work going?”

  Paxton didn’t want the subject change. She wanted to talk more about Jack. “Good. I should be getting off of probation soon. I’m ready to do my own surgeries.”

  “Have you been back to O.R. where Ella’s surgery occurred?”

  “I have one scheduled tomorrow in there. It will be the first time I will step foot in that room since Ella died.”

  “How are you feeling about that?”

  “I have mixed feelings. I know I have to face it and I think I’m ready, but I’m scared. What if I fall apart? The emotions are raw right now, especially with everything going on with Duke. It’s in the forefront of my mind, but if I want to keep my job, I can’t show anything but professionalism and competence as a surgeon.”

  “I see. How are you preparing for the room?”

  “I will focus on the patient just like every other time. I will push away personal problems. I just hope that I can keep my thoughts from wandering as I am assisting. It’s going to be an exploratory surgery. Much like Ella’s was when we were trying to stop the bleeding.”

  “What will you do if you have flashbacks and need to escape?”

  “Steve will be watching. He has an extra surgeon on standby. They don’t want to push me into it yet. I have been fine in the other O.R.s so far, so I am expecting it to be fine. I have seen other surgeries, other traumas coming in. I managed to keep my memories at bay and focus on my task at hand.”

  “Good, good. We will have to discuss this at your next session, see how it went,” she smiled.

  The buzzer went off before either of them decided to continue. She watched Dr. Keeler put her pen and notepad aside. She stared over at Paxton. Paxton felt as if she wanted to say something but she was hesitating.

  “So when are you talking to Jack?” Paxton asked.

  “I’ll call him after my next appointment. Are you sure you are ready for this? He wants to talk about what happened and this could get very emotionally charged.”

  “Yes, as much as I want to make sure Duke’s okay, I can’t stand the thought of Jack never talking to me again. I need to hear his voice, I need to see what he’s thinking. I need to know I haven’t completely lost him because it will kill me.”

  “You still love him deeply.” She was speaking as her friend now.

  “Yes, I just want him back.”

  “So what about Duke?”

  “Duke has a special place in my heart. It kills me to think I have hurt him this bad, but Jack,” Paxton shuddered.

  A buzzing noise from her desk phone went off. Dr. Keeler sighed. “My next appointment is waiting. We’ll talk soon.”

  Paxton got up. Her thoughts were now clouded with the possibilities of how the session with Jack would go. She wo
ndered how Duke was doing, she wanted to see them both but she had no earthly idea where they were. She walked out to her car not sure if she was ready to go back to her empty house. She even booted Link out for the last couple of days. She felt bad because she couldn’t look at Link without remembering the night she spent with Duke. She climbed in her car and turned the ignition. Her life seemed so disorganized and messy. She decided to go see Ella.

  TWENTY-NINE

  Jack drove by the cabin one more time. Paxton was there as the lights were on. He had been driving by every night this week. Seeing the hell that Duke was going through day-in and day-out over the last month was hard. He understood now why Paxton wanted to keep it a secret from Duke. Duke wasn’t coping well now and wouldn’t let anyone near him at the moment, except Jack. Jack was the only steady presence outside of his job, which he barely functioned at. Jack went to Duke’s practices and the fire that Duke usually lit under the boys, was gone. His friend that Jack once knew was gone. Jack found himself wondering how Paxton was doing lately. She had been trying to reach out to him but Jack didn’t know what to say, how to respond to the situation. How was he supposed to choose who to help, his best friend that he was now just getting back on track with or his ex-wife that he was still in love with?

  Jack decided he was going to stop tonight. He just passed the house for the third time in the last two hours. He decided to give up his fight and pulled into the driveway. He stepped out of the car cautiously. Each step he took towards the house felt like the right thing but in the back of his mind, he wondered how Duke would react if he found out that he stopped to see her. He got up to the door and rang the doorbell.

  His heart started racing. There was no noise behind the door. Her dog wasn’t barking. He wondered if she was actually home or not. He waited a few more moments. When no one came he turned to leave.

  The door opened as soon as he stepped off the porch. He turned his head and saw Paxton sliding through the open door and shutting it behind her. She was in a pair of his shorts he must have left here and a tank top. She folded her arms in front of her trying to keep the cold out.

  “Jack?”

  “Yeah,” he turned and went to her.

  “What are you doing here? Is Duke okay?”

  Jack thought about Duke. He didn’t want to tell her that he was barely surviving. That he went to the gym every day and spends hours with the punching bag. He didn’t want to mention that he was barely sleeping and spends his nights looking at pictures of Ella. “He’s coping.” It wasn’t the whole truth but it answered her question.

  “How are you doing?” Her gaze left him as if she were uncomfortable asking the question.

  “I’m doing the best I can. Listen, can we go inside and talk?”

  Paxton’s eyes darted to him. She was scared, of what he wasn’t sure, but he just wanted to see how she really was doing.

  She didn’t say anything but turned and headed into the house. She glanced back, finding Jack was following closely behind her.

  ***

  Paxton led him to the living room. She sat on the couch and faced him on the other end as he sat down himself. She laid her arm on the back of it waiting for him to speak. Lord knows she’s done enough talking of her own. This time she would listen. Her emotions were torn because she was happy that he was here, checking on her, but she had a feeling that Duke was nowhere near coping. She figured he was barely surviving at this point.

  “How have you been? How are things at the hospital?”

  Paxton didn’t know what to make of the small talk he was putting on the table. She just wanted to curl up against him and try to forget why he came back to Manhattan in the first place. “Things have been busy. I’m seeing Dr. Keeler again. She said you wanted a joint session. She was supposed to call you about it.”

  She saw Jack nod. “Yeah, I reached out to her about it. I have gone to see her a couple times just to talk things out with her.”

  “You’ve seen her for sessions?”

  Jack nodded. Paxton was surprised by this. Dr. Keeler hadn’t mentioned it to her, then again, doctor/patient confidentiality would have prevented it. Paxton wondered what he went to talk about. “She said you wanted to do a couple joint sessions with me.”

  “Yeah, I think we have a few things we need to work out still.” He stretched his arm along the back of the couch. His hand fell on top of hers but he didn’t move it.

  “What kind of things?” she asked.

  Paxton stared at their hands. She wasn’t sure what he was trying to convey. He scooted a little closer to her and grabbed her hand and held it with both of his. Paxton looked up and saw Jack staring at the contact between them too. She felt him raise her hand. He placed a gentle kiss on the back of her hand. Shivers went up her spine.

  “The fact that I’m still in love with you,” he placed another kiss on her hand. “The fact that I can’t stop thinking about you these past couple of weeks.” He pulled her into him. She heard Jack inhale as he leaned his cheek against hers.

  “Jack, I…”

  “I love you Paxton, despite everything that has happened, I love you. I never stopped although I thought I did at times.” He pulled back and claimed her lips.

  Paxton stilled once again then melted into his kiss. She crawled into his lap. Their movements became fevered. She pulled back and stared at him. The emotions running across his face told her that he wasn’t lying. He wanted her, he loved her. She knew she would give anything to be with him right now, but her thought’s turned to Duke.

  “What about Duke? He hates me, you were so angry with me. What if you change your mind?”

  “I won’t. As far as Duke goes, well, he’s hurt. He’s grieving for a child he will never hold. I can’t help him but I know you only had good intentions.”

  Paxton stayed silent. She wanted Jack more than anything right now but she just couldn’t give herself to him quite yet. Something was holding her back.

  “Paxton, I’ve screwed up. I started this whole thing. I should have been there. I should have been the one to help you through this, not Duke. I pushed you right into his arms. I will be indebted to him for the rest of my life because he helped you in ways I didn’t. I understand why you keep running back towards him. I promise you Paxton, I swear that I will never leave you again but I know my word means nothing to you right now. Just please give me this chance. Let me love you.”

  Paxton looked across the room. “What if Duke gives you an ultimatum saying it’s him or me? I betrayed him Jack. I cut him to the core with my secret. How can you love me for destroying your best friend’s life?”

  “It’s not destroyed. He’ll come around I promise. We will just have to steer clear for a while. Let him calm down.”

  “I’m scared Jack, I have never seen him this way.”

  “I’ll help him. We’ll get him through this. Together we are stronger. Eventually he will let you back in. He loves you, probably almost as much as I do.”

  “I want this, believe me I do, but I don’t want you to lose your best friend because of me.”

  “Tiger, we are going to get through this. I’ll even make a deal with Mr. Hades himself to get you back and Duke’s life on track. Let’s just enjoy the time we have tonight. Let’s enjoy each other.”

  His words tugged at her heart. She snuggled herself against him. She stared at the fire burning, letting the what-ifs run through her mind. Jack wrapped his arms around her and kissed her head. Maybe he was right. Maybe they were stronger together. They could help Duke, but for right now, she had to put Duke aside. Jack came back to her. She was just going to enjoy what she could of this moment with him. She was finally back in his arms. It was the one place she always wanted to be for the longest time.

  THIRTY

  The hospital was quiet. Everyone was out of town and Paxton was on her 24-hour rotation. She was in the on-call surgeon’s room. She was tired as she finished the few surgeries she scheduled. The rest of her day was filled wit
h consults and rounds. She rolled to her side trying to get herself comfortable realizing how much she missed Jack. They had been together every chance they could since he stopped by a few weeks ago. He still spent most of his time with Duke and from the lack of information she received, she figured Jack was trying to protect her from the damage she had done. They had gone to see Dr. Keeler a couple times. Those were the sessions they spoke about Duke, although Jack never really said anything about his current condition. Just how he felt things are going and how he felt going between her and Duke all the time.

  Her thoughts turned to the sleepless nights when Jack stayed at her house. She never knew when he was coming back over, she was always left with his promises to return as soon as he could. He always came in late at night and left before she got up. Her schedule picked up as some surgeons were going on vacation. Sleepless nights and surgeries the next day seem to take it out of her. The long hours at the hospital alone should let her sleep like a rock but with Jack around, she didn’t want to waste any more time. Her heart had made its choice. She was happy with the little time she got. She didn’t want to pressure Jack into choosing her or Duke. It was because of Duke she was able to finally get him back in her life. She loved Duke but Jack had a hold on her heart that no one else could touch, although Duke came awfully close to it.

  Paxton still tried to reach out to Duke, but all her attempts went unanswered. The days she did, Jack never came home. She wasn’t sure what that meant but she was grateful that Duke was still letting Jack in. He shouldn’t be going through this alone. She rolled to hear other side. It seemed like sleep was going to elude her once more. Thoughts of Duke and Jack tormented her at times. She heard her pager go off before she could dwell on everything she did wrong these past couple of years. She took a look at it and knew she was needed at the E.R.