North Oak 2- Yearling

by Ann Hunter

  “Ashley.”

  Alex’s chin trembled. “Please don’t do this.”

  “Why did you love her, Al?”

  Alex squeezed her eyes shut, haunted by winter-sky eyes and the first smile she ever knew. Alex had felt like a beaten mutt that night, scrounging through trash bins for scrap. She couldn’t even remember how old she was then anymore. Just remembering pain from fighting off anyone who tried to take her down.

  “Hey,” a voice had called softly down the alley. Alex skittered away from the bins until she realized it was a girl her own age. Dirty, tattered. She stretched her hand to Alex.

  “She showed me kindness…” Alex swallowed hard. “When the world had none.”

  Brooke pursed her lips, like she was trying to process it. “And why did she love you?”

  Alex slipped her arms around Promenade’s neck, hugging him close. He stood still, half-asleep, not seeming to mind. “I… I don’t know.”

  “Yes you do. Tell me why she loved you.”

  Alex’s memory flashed to the times when it had just been them on the streets; she had taught Ashley how to steal. It had been easy, because Ashley was smaller, quicker. Alex kept watch, not letting anyone near them while they heisted what they needed.

  And the time she fended off older boys on a playground nobody really used, giving Ashley enough time to run for safety. Swing set chains twisting was the last thing she remembered from that, as the boys pummeled her.

  Alex’s chest tightened as she clung to Promenade. She had believed she and Ashley had finally found a break when that priest reached out to them and took them in. But it soon dawned on them that it was no safety net at all. There was little safety at Haven.

  Alex’s breath quickened, heart heavy and not beating right. That night… that night when Ashley had been so sick. DeGelder would do nothing for her, claiming what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Alex had never seen anyone sick like this though. She needs medicine.

  So Alex stole it.

  “Tell me why,” Brooke repeated. “Why did Ashley love you?”

  Alex shook. “Because I protected her.”

  “Why does protecting Ashley have anything to do with being friends with Carol? Why are you afraid that you won’t be able to love Ashley anymore?”

  Alex let go of Promenade and pushed past Brooke before the tears could run their course. “I can’t do this. Just leave me alone.”

  “You’re strong enough Alex,” Brooke called after her. “You’re strong enough for both of them.”

  BROKEN PIECES

  "…And that's how Napoleon Bonaparte died on the island of Saint Helena in eighteen twenty-one."

  Alex passively listened to Carol give her a history lesson at the Showmans' kitchen table while Hillary packed hot dog buns into a plastic bag.

  "Alex?" Carol asked.

  Alex drummed her fingers on her chin. "Hmm?"

  "Did you hear anything I just said?"

  Alex rose from her chair. "Napoleon. Short guy. Liked horses. Overcompensating. Got it." She looked at Carol. "Cool story, bro."

  Carol tipped her head back and groaned, as though Alex had completely missed the target. "You seem distracted."

  Alex's hands wound into fists. Her fingers itched against one another.

  Hillary glanced at her as she continued packing food into the bag and a blue cooler on the floor. "Are you sure you don't want to come down to the lake with us for fireworks? We're going to roast hot dogs in the bonfire."

  "I don't really like hot dogs," Alex answered.

  Hillary shook her head. "How can you not like hot dogs? Everyone likes hot dogs."

  Carol turned in her chair. "Do you even know what's in hot dogs?"

  "Knowing what's in something spoils the fun of eating them, dear." Hillary laughed.

  Alex looked at Carol, expecting to see a look of support for the anti hot dog stance, but instead found Carol looking like she suspected something was wrong.

  Carol pushed aside the history book and opened a larger, thicker one. "Want to read Midsummer Night's Dream? We only have a few more scenes to get through before the final act."

  Alex braced on the table and leaned in, her voice unnaturally quiet. "I think you should go."

  Carol's brow met as she looked up at her. "What? Why?"

  Alex stepped back and headed toward the stairs to her room, pausing half-way up. "Just go."

  Carol tucked her braid behind her ear with that same concerned look fixed on her face, and shut the books. She slipped them into a canvas bag hanging off the back of her chair. "I'll be back in the morning. Think you'll explain why we're cutting lessons short today?"

  "No."

  Alex leaned against the headboard of her bed, arms folded, knees drawn close to her chest. She watched the orange glow of sunlight seep over the trees in the distance and wash out the coral pink paint on her walls.

  "Last chance," Hillary called up the stairs.

  Alex shut her eyes, knowing she should go with them. "I'm good. Thanks."

  "I really wish you would come. I know things have been crazy with foaling season. I've missed you."

  Alex bit her lip. A jumble of emotions wrestled inside of her. She wanted to go, but couldn’t. She needed time alone.

  "Suit yourself," said Hillary.

  "We'll miss you, Sport," Cade called.

  Alex shook her head just as they shut the door. Nobody really cared about the Fourth of July, she told herself. They cared about hot dogs and fireworks. She and Carol had finished studying the birth of the country earlier in the week, before starting in on the short French guy with the inferiority complex.

  Independence. Freedom. Things Alex thought she wanted. Things men had died for to make available to all in America. And what were the Showmans thinking of?

  Hot dogs.

  Did they know how lucky they were?

  Sitting in the stillness of her warm room, watching the light dim and listening to the crickets start their evening symphony, wondering if she would ever feel lucky too.

  Ungratefully wishing Ashley were beside her. Wishing Ashley could share the same freedom and independence Alex had now. Not having to be afraid of DeGelder or run from Haven. Not having to run at all. Just… together.

  Free.

  And as Alex squeezed her eyes tighter, wishing she could feel Ashley next to her, wishing she could hear her voice again, all she heard was the gun shot. Thunderous and final.

  But as she ran to her in her memory, she didn't find Ashley. She found someone else entirely.

  Alex jumped as a firework exploded over the house. The scream and lights triggered something primal in her, something she had to escape from. She dove under her pillows to drown out the noise, but it just came through as muffled thunder.

  She darted down stairs and swung the door open.

  Another firework went soaring into the sky, and Alex was lost in a blur of light and color and staring at Laura and Johnathan North on the stoop. Mouths crushing into one another, arms snaking around the other.

  Alex shuddered and slammed the door, barreling back up the stairs. She shut her own door hard and braced against it. The world spun, her heart whirling along with it.

  Out. I have to get out.

  She didn't hear fireworks anymore. Only gunshots.

  Alex, what have you done? A voice echoed in her memory.

  Alex darted for the window and threw it open. She swung out, hung for a moment, then dropped to the ground. She could think of only one place to find safety.

  Classical music played in the training barn as Alex shot down the aisle. She dove into Promenade's stall and balled up in the corner beneath his feed bucket. shaking.

  The chocolate colored colt tensed momentarily, surprised by the visitor, but resumed eating his dinner.

  Alex wrapped her arms behind her neck, covering her ears. She jolted as another firework roared over North Oak. Promenade eyed her like she was crazy, and Alex couldn't help but shudder and feel lik
e she was.

  But to her it wasn't fireworks. It was DeGelder firing the gun over and over. And no matter how many times Alex shut her eyes, wincing harder every time, all she saw was Carol.

  And it killed her to see her new friend laying there in the darkest reaches of her mind, bleeding out the same way Ashley did. And there was nothing, nothing Alex could do to stop it.

  I hate her.

  Alex sobbed aloud. Her heart throbbed, raw. "I hate when I look at her and I don't see anything else. I hate that I can't get her crazy eyes out of my head. I hate… I hate… I hate."

  Carol smiling beside her in the grove with her walnut hair blending into the earth, surrounded by bluebells and light, threatened to push Alex over the edge.

  I hate myself.

  She buried her face in her lap fighting the pain inside. She lost Ashley. She was losing Promenade. She’d lose Carol too.

  She'd learned enough. Carol had done her job. She probably had better things to do than put up with Alex anyway. Alex would muddle through school somehow. She had to cut Carol loose.

  I have to, I have to, I have to. I can’t protect her. I couldn’t protect Ashley.

  Promenade snorted softly. He rustled the hay beneath him and turned his back to Alex, blocking her from view from anyone who might come to the stall.

  Alex woke to a pounding head and song birds the next morning. Damn birds. What do they have to be so happy about?

  Promenade stood on three legs, his right hind relaxed, head drooped. There was something on the other side of him. Alex leaned around and rubbed her eyes.

  Carol smiled at her from across the stall. "Good morning."

  Alex rested her head against the wall behind her and swallowed dryly. The image of Carol where Ashley should be, dead, still in her mind. Hair on the back of Alex’s neck stood at attention.

  Carol dug into the canvas bag beside her and pulled out some books that were a lot smaller than the ones she normally brought. "I thought you might like to try reading today."

  "Don't you have somewhere else to be?" Alex grumbled.

  Carol continued rummaging through her bag cheerily. "Oh you're in one of those moods today. Yay."

  Alex groaned softly. Why did Carol have to be such a sport about her badittude?

  “It’s always an adventure when I come over here. I never know which version of Alex I’m going to get.”

  Alex sneered. “Surprise.”

  Carol held up some books to show her. "Look. I brought The Black Stallion, an exhilarating tale of a boy stranded on a desert island with a wild stallion; King of the Wind, which is a really cool story about how this one Arabian colt helped found the entire Thoroughbred breed; and the first book in the Thoroughbred series. My mom thought you might like that one."

  Alex crossed her arms and turned her face to the corner of the stall so she didn't have to look at Carol.

  Nothing but the sound of other horses rattling their feed buckets echoed between them.

  Carol tapped one of the books against the others. "Okay, great. So I've never read Thoroughbred. Let's start with that one."

  She opened the little yellow book with worn dog-eared pages and began to read. "From the front porch of her new home, Ashleigh— "

  Alex shot to her feet, bonking her head on the bottom of Promenade’s bucket. She rubbed her head, scowling at the offending plastic. "I hate it already."

  Carol gawked. "Alex."

  Alex moved to the stall door, placing a hand on Promenade's shoulder as she passed him.

  "Why do you hate it?" Carol asked. "I didn't even get to the end of the sentence."

  Alex was about to answer when two familiar voices strolled up the aisle. Brooke and Laura laughed at something or other together and paused in front of Promenade's stall.

  "Mom's got breakfast ready if you're hungry."

  "How did you know I was here?" Alex asked.

  Brooke pointed toward the rafters. "Surveillance cameras. Remember?"

  Alex slumped. They probably didn’t even worry about me last night.

  "You look terrible," Brooke said.

  "Thanks," Alex replied flatly. "You're hot stuff yourself."

  Brooke grinned. "Aren't I though?"

  "Hey is that Thoroughbred?" Laura asked as she peeked through the bars over Carol's shoulder.

  "Yeah. I thought Alex might like it, but she won't even let me read it to her."

  "I can't believe you're reading Thoroughbred," Laura laughed. "I think my mom read that as a kid."

  Brooke snapped her fingers like something came back to her memory. "Hey, yeah. I think my mom had a couple too."

  "So why won't you let her read it to you, sis?" Laura turned to Alex.

  Alex stuffed her hands in her back pockets and kicked at some of the bedding in the stall.

  Carol put her books in her bag and got to her feet. "I didn't even get to the end of the first sentence. As soon as I said Ashleigh, she made me stop."

  Brooke and Laura looked at one another. "Ohhhh."

  Alex took a deep breath, pushing away a building dizziness. She felt Carol's question coming before she even said it.

  "What? What did I miss?"

  "Ashley."

  Carol looked at Alex. Brooke leaned toward Carol. "Remember that talk we had?"

  Alex's eyes opened wide. "You told her?"

  Suddenly she was on Brooke, arms wrapped around her neck like a snake and swinging like a savage, screaming every obscenity she knew. She may have punched her in the head once or twice and gave her hip a solid kick, but it was all a blur of rage.

  Laura and Carol both pried Alex off— or tried to. Alex gnashed her teeth, trying to bite Brooke.

  When the girls managed to pull her far enough away, Brooke gasped for air. Alex kept swinging, even though Laura and Carol held her arms.

  Brooke coughed, rubbed her neck, and stared at Alex in horror. "What the hell?"

  "Holy crap," Laura hissed, "you made her swear."

  Alex broke one of her shoulders free from Laura's grip. "What was said between us was private," Alex snarled. "I can forgive you doing your job or whatever with Pro, but if I can't trust you with a secret…"

  Alex ground her fingers together in a tight fist. She couldn't even finish her thought. She wrenched away from Carol and stormed down the aisle.

  Alex scrambled to the top of the giant oak of the farm's north end, leaving Laura's dark bay gelding to graze below.

  She gripped the last thickest part of the trunk she could find at the top of the tree, leaned out and screamed. What birds remained in the branches from her frantic climb scattered to the sky in protest.

  Alex took another deep breath and screamed again. It was all rage, and sorrow, and hurt. Thorne tossed his head and skittered in surprise at the ruckus. Alex had ridden him hard across the acres, faster than she'd ever gone before.

  She screamed again, and again. Letting out her fury until her voice ran hoarse. She collapsed to the branch she stood on and wept.

  Far across, in the distance, a tint autumn kissed the trees. She cried to the cicadas and the breeze in the leaves. Through her blur of tears, the long yellow grass below swayed like waves on the lake shore.

  Someone in the distance was riding up on a chestnut horse.

  Alex brushed her wrist against her cheeks before giving the trunk an honest punch. She shook out her fingers and grimaced.

  "Alex?" Carol called.

  "Go away," she answered.

  "Please tell me what's going on."

  "Get lost, Caroline."

  Carol slid from Approved's back, tossing her helmet aside. She stood at the base of the trunk looking up, trying to find Alex. "I already am lost. I don't know what's going on. Please come down. We can talk this out."

  "No."

  Carol circled the trunk. "Why not?"

  Alex dug her fingers into the bark. "Because I'm angry."

  "Who are you angry with? Why?"

  "No one. Okay? I just am."
/>   "But why?"

  Alex scuttled down the tree to look Carol hard in the face. She struggled with the words inside. "Because I'm angry with myself."

  "Why would you be that mad at yourself?"

  "I've only ever loved one person, and I couldn't even protect her," Alex yelled.

  Carol swallowed. Her words came softly. "That's not your fault."

  Alex paced to the tree. "If I had stopped DeGelder sooner, if I had just…" She kicked the trunk.

  "Stop," Carol begged, reaching for her. "Don't do this to yourself."

  Alex spun away. "It's my fault she's gone. If I had stayed with her. If I had been there to protect her. None of this…" she shook her head. "Just leave, Carol. Leave before I screw up again."

  Carol didn't back down. "I can't. We're friends. We've said stuff to eachother. Things only friends say."

  Alex turned her back to her. "I was just saying crap to make you feel better."

  "That's not true. It can't be true."

  Alex winced at the hurt in her voice. She pushed away her guilt and rounded on her. "They're just words! They don't matter."

  Carol's eyes welled with tears. "Why would you just say things like that?"

  "Words are worthless."

  "Words are powerful, Alex. They can change the world."

  "Not mine." Alex circled her. "No amount of words will ever bring…" She swallowed hard, shoulder to shoulder with Carol, not daring to look at her.

  "Say it. Say her name."

  Alex locked eyes with her fiercely, barely able to keep her voice even.

  "I watched the person I love the most bleed to death in my arms. And nothing I did stopped it. This isn't one of your fairytales, Caroline. There's no such thing as a happily ever after. No amount of words will ever bring," Alex drowned in the name, "Ash… "

  “Ashley,” Carol said it for her.

  Alex shook her head, gulping. “I can’t…”

  “What?”

  “I’m not strong enough,” Alex hollered.

  “Why do you need to be strong?” Carol cried. “For what?”

  “For you,” Alex blurted. “I couldn’t protect her.” She bit her fist. “I couldn’t…”

  Carol flung her arms around Alex, even as Alex beat on her shoulder.