“We are not engaging in a battle of wills here, dear girl. I decide when or if things of this nature happen. I will not be coerced in any way, do you understand?”
Twin stripes flamed across my cheeks. “Then why did you agree to do it, Gabriel?”
“My reasons are my own.” He modulated his tone, keeping it soft and neutral.
“I believe you at least owe me an explanation.”
“Not in these matters, my love. My space, my rules.”
“You keep saying rules, but I only end up finding out about them after the fact. That’s hardly fair, Gabriel.”
“No, it isn’t. Then again, very little between us has been fair.”
I blanched. I felt as if Gabriel had done it this way on purpose. He punished me, just not the way I expected.
“I see.” I pinched the bridge of my nose. A headache brewed in the space between my rage and humiliation.
“I wonder if you really do.”
“I see enough.”
Gabriel shook his head and crossed one long leg over the other. “You always have to do things the hard way, Emma. I can’t even begin to understand why you won’t just accept the love I want to give you. It frustrates me, but that’s not why you’re standing and I’m sitting. Do you know why I won’t spank you right now?”
In a voice steadily growing thick with tears, I answered, “Because I didn’t do it right the first time.”
Again I doubted my sanity for having purposely sought this out. Rejection thrummed in my veins.
“No, baby. Try again. You’re close though. Just change a few words. Here’s a hint—those that involve right.”
“Because I didn’t do what you said the first time.”
“That’s part of it.”
I wracked my brain, trying to find out what else I could have possibly done wrong. I remembered how Gabriel called me a brat. This time tears prickled my lids. I thought to blink them away, but they were part of the experience and I was going to share everything because I said I would.
“I acted like a brat towards you.”
“And what do you think is worse, Emma? Being disobedient or acting like a brat?” How he managed to keep his voice so soft in our emotional morass was beyond me.
Distress entered my tone. I ran my hand through my hair. “I don’t know.”
“Yes, you do.”
I slashed the air with my hand. “I said I don’t! What the fuck, Gabriel? I feel like I’m the only one trying here. I’m the one sacrificing everything, going against my entire belief system just so I can make you happy! I’m going out on a limb here and you’re just leaving me to hang. I hate it and I wished I’d never agreed to any of this!”
I immediately wanted to slap my hands over my spiteful mouth.
“And finally we have some modicum of truth.”
Shaking my head, I apologized. “Gabriel, I’m sorry. I really didn’t mean it. Not all of it. I mean…” I blew out a long breath. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have lashed out like that.”
He held his hand up. “Don’t. Don’t ever apologize for telling me your truth. I may not like it, but I never want you to lie to me about how you honestly feel. No matter what it is.”
Gabriel’s sincerity gutted me. I rubbed the back of my hand against my eyes. The more I rubbed the more I cried. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
He stood up and wrapped me in his arms. “It’s okay, Emma. Ssh, my sweet girl.”
The more he comforted me, the worse I felt. “I didn’t mean for any of this to turn out like this. I just wanted to surprise you. I tried to be what you wanted…instead I…” My throat clogged with tears.
“It’s okay, baby. Honestly it is.” Gabriel tightened his arms and murmured, “You don’t have to change yourself for me. I love you as you are. I always have.”
“But—”
“No. Things between us don’t have to move so quickly. They’ll happen when it’s the right time. I’m not in any rush, Emma. We can take all the time in the world. So please don’t feel pressure.”
I buried my face in his chest, taking as deep a breath as I could. Gabriel’s scent soothed me even as I ratcheted up my sobs. Hadn’t Gretchen warned me to be patient? Didn’t she tell me not to try to control this, to let it happen on its own time schedule?
“I’ve let you down, haven’t I?”
Gabriel cupped the back of my head and stroked his hand down my back. “No. If anything I’ve let you down.”
A long sob shook my frame. I choked down the worst of my cries and managed to gasp, “You haven’t, Gabriel.”
“Then why are you crying, Emma? Tell me, baby.”
“Because I’m sad.”
“Why?”
“Because I want so much to get this right and I’m getting it wrong! I’m afraid I can’t do this and I want to.”
“Why?”
I thought the answer was obvious. “To make you happy.”
“Look at me.” Gabriel tilted my head back. “I appreciate your sacrifices, Emma, I do, but when it comes to this aspect of us I don’t want you to do it for me. I want you to do it because you want to or not at all.”
Curiosity drew me to want to experience Gabriel’s world. Pride demanded I be the best of all his lovers. Fear poisoned me that I couldn’t do it. But did I want to be at his feet, submissive to whatever pleased him, fully and completely for my own sake?
Oh God. I wasn’t there yet. The knowledge weakened me further. How was I ever going to overcome this?
Gabriel must’ve read the defeat in my expression. “Come on, Emma. It’ll be okay, baby. I promise.” He positioned me back by the couch. “Now I want you to lay down for me. That’s a good girl. Just take a little nap and I’ll wake you when it’s time to go home.”
Tears dripped slowly down my cheeks. I sucked in a ragged sigh. I was too melancholy to be embarrassed.
“Wait here.” Gabriel left my line of sight, coming back quickly with a pillow and blanket. “And before you get any more bad ideas about me, I use these for my naps.”
I smiled weakly. “Is that how you stay so fresh and alert?”
“Absolutely. It’s company policy, you know. We even have rooms specifically designed for breaks. They have cots, partitions, and alarms to prevent oversleeping.”
I had to admit I was impressed once I realized Gabriel was being completely serious. “That’s pretty generous of you.”
“It’s terrible that Corporate America does so little to make their employees content and feeling valued. It’s the little things that go so far in recognizing them as human. Happier employees, lower turnovers equals better bottom line is what I preach to businessmen when asked. But between you and me—naps make everyone happier and that’s just a good thing.”
Gabriel carefully put the pillow beneath my head before covering me with the warm blanket. “Do you like to be tucked in?”
“No, not really.”
“Okay, there you go. Are you comfortable?”
His kindness was simply unbearable. Honestly forced me to admit “The nicer you are to me, the worse I feel.”
“I know. We simply must work on changing that, Emma. First things first though. You need to sleep. You’ll feel much better. I promise. I won’t leave you, baby. I’ll stay right here with you until you fall asleep. Okay?”
I nodded and shifted until I found a comfortable position. I expected Gabriel to drift away to parts elsewhere. Instead, he took a tissue and dabbed my eyes and nose. Once done, Gabriel sat on the floor and held my hand.
Oh, to be so loved…
My breathing calmed. His palm still felt hot. I idly imagined I must’ve imprinted my heat into him. “I really am sorry,” I mumbled sleepily. “I didn’t mean to be such a brat.”
“You weren’t being a brat, Emma.”
Color me surprised. My sticky lids fluttered open. “But then why did you call me a brat earlier?”
“I never thought you were being a brat. However, you thought
you were being one. I wouldn’t be able to change your mind so I used it.”
I yawned and closed my eyes again. “Tricky man.”
“Guilty.”
“I have to watch my step around you.”
“Oh, I surely hope not every step.” Gabriel kissed a spot above my brow and said, “Now no more talking, Emma. Rest.”
Just as I drifted off to sleep I heard Gabriel whisper, “I know how much you’re giving up, my love. That’s why I want to give you the world. Stay strong for me, Emma. Please.”
I squeezed his hand once before everything went dark. Emotional exhaustion overtook me and sent me tumbling up the rabbit hole. Dreams didn’t generally come to me so quickly, but today they did. I dreamed of babies and tigers and ice cream. And Gabriel. Always Gabriel.
Low murmurs soon penetrated my unconscious state, elevating me from dark delights and back into reality.
“We can’t postpone this, Gabriel. We’re going to have to leave tonight.”
“I know.” He sighed and then commanded, “I’m going to need Felix on this while we’re in the air. Reroute all communication to the plane. We’ll need all boots on the ground. Everyone is going to have to burn the midnight oil until this gets fixed.”
“Done and done. Felix is already on route to meet us at the airport. All heads have been e-mailed. I’ve also already arranged for your customary suite at Hotel Konigshof.”
“Good.” A phone chimed. “Ah, I need to take this, Rick.”
I pushed up on one arm and looked over my shoulder. Gabriel and Rick were both standing, the assistant arranging several documents into neat stacks while Gabriel spoke into his cell phone.
He saw me and quickly finished his call. “Emma, did we wake you?”
“Not really.” Self-conscious, I smoothed my hair and clothes, trying my best to look like I hadn’t been so asleep that I hadn’t heard Rick come in. I wondered what he thought at seeing me sprawled on the company couch.
It probably wasn’t my best impression.
Gabriel strode over. I found my feet by the time he reached me. Reaching out, he held both of my hands in his. “I’m so sorry to be doing this on short notice, my dearest love, but I have to leave for Munich tonight.”
I smiled and squeezed his fingers. “It’s okay. Work is work.” I understood this so why did I still feel so sad?
Gabriel called out “Rick, I’ll be back in ten minutes. I just need to walk Emma down to her car.”
“Take your time. I’ve got things covered until then.” His phone rang and he answered it with a clipped “Mitchell here.” He listened for a moment and then said, “Hold on.” Rick covered the mouth piece. “It was nice meeting you, Emma.”
“It was very nice meeting you too, Rick. Have a good trip.”
Rick waved and then returned to his call. Gabriel took my hand in his and led us out the door. “I was really looking forward to your food or pizza. Whichever. I just like eating with you and not being able to do that is making me a bit grouchy.”
“I’ll cook for you when you get back.”
He perked up. “No take backsies?”
Laughing, I assured him with “No take backsies.”
Gabriel kissed my hand. “Good. Now I can get on the plane in peace.”
I couldn’t help the longing that hit me. I was going to miss him terribly. I suddenly wished I really was his muse, free to go wherever he went.
Careful, Emma. That way lays madness.
I cleared my throat, forcing my thoughts to redirect from the impossible. “Is everything okay? Your business, I mean.”
Gabriel flicked his wrist in a lofty wave. “It will be.”
“That’s good.” Spying the bathroom down the hall, I turned to him and asked, “Do you mind waiting for me a quick bit? I have to freshen up.”
“You look as beautiful and fresh as ever, but I’ll wait.”
We were as if the last hour hadn’t happened. As if I hadn’t cried like a little girl because he wouldn’t spank me like one. Playful without bite. I wished I could be comforted by the façade.
“Okay, I’ll be back in a minute.” I ducked into the empty bathroom, hearing the click of my heels too acutely. I looked at myself in the mirror. The reflection staring back was a mess. Red-faced and red-eyed, I left little doubt that something had happened between Gabriel and me.
I could only hope Rick hadn’t looked too closely when we made our farewells. Images of heartbroken girls from long ago rose to taunt me, but I shut them down. I made my choice and I wasn’t going to back out, no matter how much I currently resembled everything I stood to hate.
I did the best I could to make myself presentable while wondering where Gabriel was going and how long he planned to be gone. Wetting a napkin, I pressed it against my cheeks and forehead. The cool water felt so good against my flushed skin. After a few more swipes, especially in the hollows under my eyes, I dug into my purse and pulled out my necessary tools. I quickly retouched my lipstick. Several strokes of a brush and my hair lay perfectly straight. I tugged my jacket and smoothed down my skirt before I was ready to be seen again.
This time the façade served me well. I looked like the person I’d known for so long—strong, in control, and unruffled.
Emerging from the bathroom, I saw Gabriel leaning on the opposite wall, hands in pockets and gorgeous half-smile fixed upon his face. “You’re as lovely as a rose, baby.”
“And you’re such a gentleman for saying that.”
“Me a gentleman? Hmm…”
Our hands found one another again. We walked down another hall, bypassing the reception area completely. Neither of us spoke. Probably because there wasn’t enough time to get into what had happened right before I went to sleep.
I glanced at an empty row of cubicles, surprised to see they were indeed bigger than mine. At any other time I’d tease Gabriel about it, swearing he only recently changed them just to be right. Instead, I squeezed his hand tighter. He looked my way and smiled as if to say “I told you so.”
Gabriel put his arm around my waist when we got into the elevator. I put mine around his. Emotional exhaustion bade me to lean on him more than usual. When the doors opened we made the trek to my car, still in silence and footsteps echoing eerily in the cavernous concrete space.
Stopping by the car door, I cleared my throat and said, “Well, thanks for walking me here.”
“You’re welcome.” Gabriel’s mouth parted as if he was about to say more, but then he apparently changed his mind.
So it wasn’t my imagination. We obviously both felt very awkward. I cleared my throat again. “How long are you going to be gone?”
“Two days.” Gabriel brushed my hair off my shoulder. Passion blazed to life, brightening his beautifully blue gaze. It was damned near painful to see yourself reflected in something so pure, so powerful—especially when you weren’t sure how to hold onto it. “You know I’m going to miss you like crazy. I don’t want to sleep in any bed that doesn’t have you in it.”
His words made me ridiculously happy, enough to push back the lingering sadness for a bit. I traced the outline of his tie. “You’re going to be really busy. Probably too busy to notice I’m not there.”
“Don’t be modest, Emma. You know you’ve ruined me to exist without you.”
Although said lightly, I felt the threat of truth in his words. “Good. You’ve done the same to me.”
Gabriel stepped closer. His hands drifted to my hips. “I’ve got an idea. Why don’t you come with me?”
“I can’t get time off without more notice. Thank you for asking though. Any other way and I’d love to come with you.”
“Well, you know if you left Med-Tech…” My fingertips pressed against his lips. Gabriel nipped them in protest. “Fine, fine. I won’t say it.”
“Thank you.”
“Just know you’re suffering by choice though.”
I shook my head, rolling my eyes upwards. “You’d test a saint, Gabriel.”
“Or a goddess.”
“I’m not a goddess. I’m just me.”
“Yes, but you’re my goddess.” Gabriel leaned down and kissed me. The soft pressure of his mouth against mine melted me in no time at all. My arms linked around his neck, fingers tangling at the hair at his nape. Everything made so much more sense when we were like this. Mouth to mouth. Skin to skin. Too quickly we broke apart, lips hovering less than an inch apart. “Emma?”
“Yes?”
“I know it’s been a hard week for us. There’s been very little fun and it’s not supposed to be that way.”
“You won’t hear me arguing.”
“I didn’t want things to be like this for us. I wanted to court you properly. Everything has moved too quickly, too complicated. I’m sorry for that, Emma.” He nuzzled the tip of my nose with his. “I’ll make it up to you when I get back. Promise.”
“It’s okay, Gabriel. You don’t have to make anything up to me.”
“No, we’re going to have a fun, drama-free day together. We’ll go shopping, have lunch, go to a museum, have dinner, see a show, go out for drinks, and then bed. Where we’ll then fall asleep after an hour or two of vigorous sex.”
“All in one day?”
“Yep. It’ll be loads of fun though, don’t you think?”
I laughed, excited at the idea even if it never happened. “All right. Let’s do that.”
“It’s a date. No backing out.”
“It’s a date.”
He kissed me deeply, before resting his forehead on mine. “I love you, Emma.”
“I love you too.”
“No, I really love you.”
I blinked quickly as tears flooded my eyes again. “Look what you’ve done. You’ve made me cry, you mean, mean man.”
Gabriel wiped my cheek with the pad of his thumb. “I’ll call you every chance I get. Don’t forget about me while I’m gone.”
“How could I forget about you? I’ll be sore for days.”
His gaze darkened. “I’ll kiss your pretty bottom when I get back.”
“Promise?”
“Promise.”
Bad for You (Mad, Bad, & Dangerous to Love) Page 13
