I didn’t want to let him go. Ever. “I better get going.” Opening up the car door, I slid into the driver’s seat. Already I missed the feel of him. Gabriel reached in and kept me from closing the door.
“Listen, Emma, I hate leaving things unfinished the way they are tonight.”
“It’s okay.”
He sighed, beautiful gaze heavy with worry. “Are you going to be fine leaving things unfinished like this?”
“I’ll be fine. Truly.” I smiled widely.
So of course I wasn’t.
“Wait.”
“What is it?”
“Stand up please.”
I did as he asked. Gabriel took my seat and tugged me onto his lap. I didn’t fight him this time. I held him as tightly as he held me.
“Don’t lie to me. I know you’re not fine. I’m not fine either.”
“Gabriel, I’m trying to be brave here.”
“Don’t. I really don’t want to let you go, Emma. Not after this evening. You need me to hold you, to show you how much I love you and how I proud I am of all that you’ve done for me.”
I thought to say “It’s okay, really!” but the words couldn’t pass my lips. Instead I admitted my truth. “I really don’t want to let you go either, Gabriel.”
He sighed. “If I were more ruthless, I’d take you and put you on my jet whether you liked it or not.”
“I don’t know if I’d fight you right now.”
Gabriel dropped his head on my shoulder and groaned. “Don’t tempt me!”
I wondered how liberating it would be to just toss everything aside and go where my heart led me. I could spend a bit of my youth as a pampered mistress, beholden to nothing but my lover and pleasure.
Quit your job and then you can’t buy Mom a house. You’ve worked too hard and you’re so close to making it happen for her. Besides, you worked your whole life to be here. You can’t throw it away.
It was a nice fantasy but impossible to chase. I had too many responsibilities to entertain dropping everything and hopping on a plane with Gabriel.
“I don’t want to push you out the door, but I think you’re approaching your ten minute mark.” My whisper made him groan.
“If you won’t come with me then maybe I should just run away to your apartment. I’ll let you support me in the manner in which you would like me to be accustomed.”
“You’d be bored within a day.”
“You’re probably right.” Gabriel shifted me until I faced him fully. “I want you to spend every night thinking about me.”
“I will.”
“Emma, I expect you to do something for me while I’m gone.”
“Yes?”
“I want you to sleep in my apartment. I want to know that even if I’m not here, you’re sleeping in my bed.”
Excitement tingled. “Okay. I’ll do that.”
“I want you to feel free to watch all your non-chick flick, incredibly violent movies too.”
Smiling, I assured him I’d do just that.
“I have something else, Emma.”
“What is it?”
“You’re not allowed to come. At all.”
My smile disappeared and lust flooded my system. Stomach tightening and heartbeat speeding up, I promised breathlessly, “I won’t.”
“Good.” He bared his teeth in a wolfish grin. “I want you to touch yourself in the morning, as soon as you get home from work, and before bed.”
The interior of my car magnified his command. “But I thought you said you didn’t want me to come.”
“I don’t. But I do want you to touch this hot little pussy here,” he pressed on my mound with the heel of his palm, “and think of me while you do. Only stop right before you come. Only a second before. Understand?”
Struck near-speechless, I nodded my head. “Yes, I do.”
“Good girl. And baby? I’ll know if you come.” Gabriel carefully sank his teeth into the fleshy part of my bottom lip. The sharp sting heightened my awareness of him.
Hunger blazed to life. My nipples tightened and heat pooled between my thighs. I shifted in his lap, feeling a dull ache in my backside. The opposing sensations mixed beautifully, sending another bolt of lust throughout my body. I settled my hands on his broad shoulders and opened my mouth in mute plea.
Please. Please. Please.
Gabriel inhaled sharply, staring at my lips as if he wanted to devour them whole. His tongue laved the sensitive spot where he bit me. My core ached with each slow pass. Whispering his name, I sought to deepen the contact, to take his delightful tongue into my mouth and kiss him until forever.
“I love you.”
“I love you too.” Gabriel abruptly stood up, neatly placing me back into the driver’s seat. Dazed, I watched while Gabriel fastened my seatbelt before patting my leg. “Drive safely, my dearest love. Call me when you get home.”
I felt drugged, hazy and unable to think clearly. “You did that on purpose.”
His lips curled upwards. “I’m a glutton for punishment.”
“I can feel that.” My saucy remark concerning my sore ass caused him to smile briefly.
“Not yours, Emma. Mine.” Gabriel closed the door, waiting for me to drive away. I started the car, going through the motions of checking mirrors and all the other things I did out of habit. Inside, my heart hammered. I didn’t want to leave. I didn’t want Gabriel to go to Munich without me. I didn’t want to be left behind.
He lifted his hand in a wave which I returned. His solemn regard inspired mine to go the opposite. Pulling up beside him, I rolled down the window. “I love you, Gabriel.”
“I love you too, Emma.” He leaned in and brushed his lips over mine in a sweet kiss of farewell. “I’ll see you in two days. I’ll call you whenever I can before then. If anything happens, if you need me for anything, if you’re feeling sad, lonely, whatever—call me. I don’t care what time it is or what it’s about. Call. Me. Understand, Emma?”
“I do. Bye.” My smile remained wide and soft until I couldn’t see Gabriel in my rearview mirror.
Tears spilled, tumbling down my cheeks and sliding over my picture grin. My hand fumbled for my cell. I found the number with a few quick swipes.
Please pick up. Please.
“Hello?”
“Gretchen…” My voice choked on a broken sob.
“Lovely, what’s happened?”
“I fucked up. Big time.”
Silence and then “Come over.”
TEN
“There’s my girl!” Gabriel swept me off my feet, swinging me around and peppering my face with sweet kisses. “I missed you like crazy. Did you know that?”
So happy I could melt, I laughed and batted back with “You couldn’t have missed me as much as I missed you.”
“Impossible and I’m willing to prove it.”
“Really? And how will you do that?”
“Easy. I said so.” He carried me into my apartment and kicked the door closed. Gabriel strode past the living room and went straight into my bedroom.
“And that’s all it takes?”
“That’s all.” He tossed me onto the bed. “How much did you miss me?”
“More than the world.”
My body tingled with anticipation. I ran my gaze over his dark suit, loving how the crisp white shirt brought out the burnished gold in his hair while the silver tie brought out the pewter flecks in his gorgeous eyes. Gabriel made formal work wear look sinfully delicious.
“Did you just get off the plane, Gabriel?”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“And you came straight here? I’m so lucky.”
“Luck has nothing to do with it, my girl. Wait right here.” Gabriel’s playful grin promised good things if I obeyed.
Scooting back until I leaned against the headboard, I watched as he walked into my closet. Normally I would’ve asked, “What are you doing in there, Gabriel?” Instead, I felt relaxed. Patient even.
And much
different than how I was two and a half days ago when Gabriel had to leave for Munich.
I had driven over to Gretchen’s immediately after I left Gabriel in the parking garage. My drive was a blur of tears and racing thoughts, but thankfully I’d visited her place of business before so I didn’t have to concentrate on finding it. Located in the warehouse district, her narrow brick building resembled just one of many that lined the street. Only the ornate red door hinted at the naughty and improper things taking place on the second floor.
Pulling up to the side street gate, I punched in the code Gretchen provided me with before driving through. Thankfully the covered deck was empty. I wondered at what I would’ve done if I met any of her early arriving clients—especially if I’d already been introduced to them at the benefit the week before.
I didn’t doubt that Gabriel’s security were already here somewhere out front. For all I knew, he’d already had Gretchen investigated and was aware of exactly what she did for a living.
I don’t know if I’m ever going to get used to being followed.
Gretchen met me at the back door, dressed in a turtleneck, matching pair of black tailored pants, and ruby heels. She ushered me in with a wave of her manicured hand. “Let’s go to my sitting area, Emma, and I’ll fix you a drink.”
No questions. No judgment. Just welcome.
Grateful for her kindness and support, I followed her through the elegant waiting area. The dark paneled walls held several paintings worth more than my combined salary for the past three years. Everything about us, from the Persian carpets beneath our feet to the lighted case featuring Peruvian antiques, oozed costly history and privilege.
Aware of the time, I knew I’d have at most an hour with Gretchen before her small cadre of employees was due to arrive for the night shift. I had to be quick. We passed through a stout door shipped from an Italian farmhouse and went up a spiral staircase, going past the second floor and up to the third. I glanced down as we went up and noted the six doorways below. Scenes took place inside each soundproofed suite. Gretchen had already given me a grand tour after she renovated and furnished the space last year.
Back then I’d admired the towering armoires filled with D/S apparatus, eyes bulging at the sight of certain restraints. The hanging bars and hooks filled me with curiosity, but more with how they worked than the why. Little did I know I’d be intimately involved in learning how to live out those scenes in real life.
That is if I ever get a chance.
When we reached the top floor, Gretchen led us down a short hall. With little fanfare, she opened the door to her inner sanctum. Done in colors of sage and ivory with bursts of crimson and gold, Gretchen’s tranquil den invited quiet relaxation. Her footsteps whispered as she walked across the beautiful plush rugs. She turned on several lamps, instantly setting the mood for contemplation and conversation.
“Sit down, lovely. Rum and coke?”
“Yes, please.” Gretchen’s sharp memory made her a natural for this lifestyle. She never forgot your favorites—drink, food, interests. She also never forgot the things you detested the most. Even if only mentioned as a well-intentioned reminder.
I was going to court that side of her tonight, to test my resolve and maybe my judgment.
Gretchen pressed the glass into my hand along with a napkin. I’d already taken a sip by the time she sat across from me in a matching armchair. Patient as always, she waited for me to fall into confession. I felt the imbalance of power keenly.
“I’m sorry for calling you at the last minute again. I just didn’t know who else to talk to about this. I sure as hell can’t call my mom up and say ‘Ma, what do you know about kink?’”
“You can always come to me, Emma. You know that.”
“I do. Thank you.”
“I’m your friend, but I also feel the need to tell you that the bond between a Dom and his Sub is sacrosanct. I won’t interfere with that or try to sway you into doing anything that would damage that bond.”
“Good.” Her stance didn’t deflate me. If anything, it made me feel all the more safe in speaking to her about Gabriel. I could trust she wouldn’t trash him or me over what happened earlier in the evening.
“Also, I will urge you to come to your gentleman first in the future. You cannot keep secrets from him or hide what you really feel. I say this not so you can’t confide in me, but so you understand that you must confide in him first.”
“I understand.”
Gretchen nodded her head once. “All right then. What happened tonight?”
I cupped the glass in both my hands. It was easier to stare at the liquid than raise my head and speak. And because it was so hard, that’s exactly what I did. I met her gaze. “I love him too much. It’s driving me crazy. I don’t want to be without him. Ever. I can’t concentrate. I think about things I never let myself before. I want to do everything to make him happy, but I can’t seem to get it right.”
She didn’t say anything. This encouraged me to spill further.
“I fucked up, Gretchen. I pushed when I shouldn’t have. I won’t go into the details, but he spanked me and then stopped. I tried to force him to finish but he wouldn’t.”
“Why did he stop?”
I flushed, feeling embarrassed over my behavior. “Because I withdrew the first time. He said I wasn’t sharing the experience with him, so there was no point in going further.”
She nodded and asked gently, “Is your gentleman upset with you?”
“No. He isn’t.” A knot released in my belly. It felt so good to know Gabriel wasn’t angry with me at all. At least, not because of this.
“Are you upset from being spanked?”
I considered her question, searching through the chains of my emotions to follow the tangled end. “No, not about being spanked. I’m sore but okay. It didn’t bother me as much as I thought it would.”
“That’s good to here. Why are you here with me and not with him right now?”
“He had to go to Munich.”
“Ah. So what did he do after he disciplined you?”
“Nothing.”
Gretchen’s brows drew sharply into a frown before smoothing over. “Did he perform any aftercare?”
“What’s that again?”
“Did he hold you and show affection or did he dismiss you after your discipline?”
“Oh. Aftercare. I remember now.” I thought back my nap and how he held my hand. I also thought to the parking garage. “He showed me a lot of affection.” I smiled, remembering our parting. “He wanted me to come with him to Munich.”
“And you said no because you’re so responsible.”
“Of course! I worked incredibly hard to get this opportunity at Med-Tech. There’s no way I’d repay them by leaving them in a lurch like that.” Even as I let out my heated explanation I couldn’t deny I wished, even for a fraction of a moment, I was less responsible and more spontaneous. And for me that was a deadly sin.
“It’s a problem, Gretchen.”
“What is?”
“I thought about going with him.”
She smiled, eyes bright and merry. “You’re in love. Everyone loses a bit of their common sense. It’s natural.”
“No, not for me it isn’t! I’ve never let anyone get in the way of my goals. And now…”
“And now things are different because you’ve let yourself really fall in love with someone who’s as complicated as you are. So what’s the real problem, Emma?” She cocked her head to the side like an inquisitive cat. “You got spanked, adequate aftercare, and you’re not angry over being punished. There must be more or you wouldn’t be this upset. Or is it not anything specific, but rather a general sense of unhappiness?”
I took another sip, then another, before standing up. I traveled one end of the room to the other. My lips parted, tears stung my eyes, and my throat burned with words that had no form.
“It’s like I said at lunch. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. I don�
�t have a compass to point me in the right direction. I thought I could do this. I thought it would be enough to just give in. I thought wrong and now I don’t know anything! And all I’m doing is going in circles. I can’t break this down in my mind. It doesn’t make sense and when things don’t make sense…I become like this.”
What I didn’t say was “…when things don’t make sense…I want to run.” It’s why I ran away the first time. I run so I don’t hurt. Ironic, right? I was in a relationship that centered around hurt, that centered around the worship of pain and the dignity that came from suffering it.
And I wasn’t worthy.
I loved Gabriel. I’d loved him in some way almost half my life. So why was I so scared? Why did I want to run far away, to put distance between us just so I wouldn’t let him down? I pinched the bridge of my nose, trying to keep my headache from growing further.
“Emma, may I be frank with you?” Gretchen’s manners always became ever-so-exquisite whenever she was about to detonate a bomb of information.
I froze in mid-step. Eyes wide and body stiff, I managed to mumble, “Yes, please. Whatever you need to say, I want to hear it. Just tell me straight.”
She crossed her legs, managing to turn her little armchair into a mighty throne. How I envied her gift, especially since I felt so powerless!
“Initially, I thought you were just going through Sub Drop.”
All these damn terms made me feel like I was back in school. I’d need an S&M dictionary at this rate. I racked my brain but came up blank. “Okay, Gretchen. You’re going to have to explain this one to me too. I don’t remember us talking about this at all.”
“We didn’t because it never came up.” She propped her chin on her hand and started her impromptu lesson. “A ton of endorphins were released after your gentleman spanked you. It tested a new limit for you. Often the emotions that come out of that can leave you sad and fatigued. This can last for a few hours to a few days, depending on your specific body chemistry. That’s why I asked you about your aftercare.”
I considered Gretchen’s explanation. If I could step out of my situation for a bit, I’m sure I’d find the psychology of it all fascinating. Unfortunately, I was too close to the situation to feel anything but aggression and melancholy. Because of that I wanted to grab onto any kind of explanation and, most importantly, a cure.
Bad for You (Mad, Bad, & Dangerous to Love) Page 14
