“Sub Drop. Could that be what is wrong with me lately?”
“If you’re going through Sub Drop it’s not helping, but I think there’s more to your particular situation.”
“Like what?”
“You.”
I blinked. “Me?”
“Yes, you. You’re complicating your life unnecessarily by trying to control the uncontrollable. Because of this, you’re wound too tight. I don’t wish to scare you, Emma, but you’re making yourself miserable and eventually you’ll make your gentleman miserable as well. Is that what you want?”
Ice spread from my fingers and trickled down my spine. “No.”
“We talked about this at lunch last week, remember? You’re either in all the way or you’re not. And you’re not playing by those rules. You’re physically submitting, but not mentally. It’s not enough.”
I found my seat again, feeling stripped and exposed. “That’s what he said.”
“In many ways, that’s worse than not even trying at all.”
Although Gretchen said it gently, frustration sharpened my tone. “But I am trying! Doesn’t that even count at all?”
Gretchen took my outburst in stride. “I don’t know. You tell me. Are you happy right now? Was trying enough?”
Knocking back the rest of my drink, I clenched my eyes shut as the liquid burned a path down my throat straight to my belly. “I’m scared, Gretchen. I’m so scared and I don’t even know why.”
“Are you afraid of him?”
“No, I’m not.” I paused, thinking about the ever-present fear that Gabriel would eventually leave. “At least, not about this stuff.”
“Then what? Why else are you stuck like this? Emma, are you afraid to love him? I know you’ve closed yourself off all these years because of what you shared with him. Are you afraid of letting him fully inside?”
My answer didn’t come as quickly. “I already told you. I love him too much.”
Silence scattered then, “Do you want to know what I think? I think you’re afraid to love him because you’re afraid you’re going to lose him again. You won’t let yourself go because of that fear.” The pronouncement came down like a killing blow, final and unavoidable. “Oh, Emma, that’s no way to live…”
Gretchen’s sympathy was almost too much to bear. There was nothing to deny because it was all too obviously true. I wanted to throw my glass against the wall. Violence danced darkly in my veins. “Why can’t things just be normal?”
Her answers sliced deep, ruthless in its verbose simplicity. “You will never be normal, Emma. Regardless of whether you stay with this man or find yourself someone who is pure vanilla, you will never be normal. If you were normal you would’ve run away from all of this by now. If you were normal you would’ve never been my friend. If you were normal you would think I’m a whore. I, for one, am very glad you are not normal.”
Oh, Gretchen…
Humbled, I looked her in the eye and whispered, “I’m such a bitch. No wonder I’ve made such a mess of all this. I’m too afraid to get close to the only man I’ve ever loved. I inadvertently insult the only real friend I’ve ever had. I should go before I say anything else that confirms my inexcusable bitchiness.”
“Try to leave and I’ll spank you myself.” My shocked expression brought out a small bubble of laughter. She turned serious very quickly. “I won’t try to convince you of why I think it’s a wonderful idea for you to submit to your gentleman. I won’t tell you that your need to control everything in your environment is unhealthy for you and always has been. I won’t tell you that I’ve known you for almost seven years and have never seen you be this scared…and this happy.”
“Okay, now that you’re done not telling me those things,” I quipped with a wry grin, trying to charm the seriousness out of her expression, “what are you going to tell me?”
“I’m telling you to stand still and stop running away again. What are you so afraid of, Emma? No bullshit this time.”
My smiled died a quick death. I set my glass down on the small coffee table. Overwhelmed, I buried my head in my hands. The darkness made it safer to share. “I pretend to be strong all the time. Until he came along again, I thought I really was. It’s easy to be strong when you don’t let anyone get too close.”
That’s when I found the key.
I wasn’t locked in a room by myself, scrambling for any way to get out. Gabriel was right there with me. He didn’t know what to do either and in fact had told me as much over and over again. I couldn’t understand it until now. The only difference between us was Gabriel was fully committed to me, despite his fear.
It would be so much easier for him to be with someone like Embry. Someone as magnetic as Gabriel Gordon never lacked for female attention. He could have practically anyone he wanted. Someone who would do anything he asked without issue. Perfectly. Easily.
Gabriel didn’t want easy. He wanted me.
He trusted his heart. It was beyond time for me to trust mine.
After all, why did I love Gabriel? Why couldn’t I forget him after all these years? Was I so shallow to love someone just because he was male perfection defined? Did I love him just because he loved me in return?
No.
I loved Gabriel because of his unwavering kindness. I loved him because he saw the value in not just me, but everyone around him. Gabriel’s strength came not from money or power, but from having the strength to love who he wanted, regardless of the possibility of social stigma.
Gabriel’s love, though unconventional, was just as pure as any I’d ever witnessed. He wasn’t afraid to show his love for me and he didn’t try to pretend it wasn’t there. He loved exuberantly and the only fear he seemed to have was because of me.
I made him afraid because I was afraid to show him my love.
I did try to pretend my love for him wasn’t as strong as it was.
I loved stingily because I was afraid he couldn’t possible love me because I wasn’t perfect.
Gabriel didn’t have to be perfect for me. Neither did I.
“Emma? Where’d you go?”
“Home.” I lifted my head, brilliant smile stretching my face wide. My mental manacles unlocked. All my worry, fear, and anxiety dropped to the ground. “Gretchen, you’ve saved me! You have no idea how much I appreciate everything you’ve done for me tonight.”
“I didn’t do anything but listen, Emma.”
“Yes, but that’s what I needed. I will repay you one day.”
“You don’t have to repay me, lovely.” Her crimson lips lifted into a knowing grin, instantly making her look years younger and not nearly so sophisticated. “So you’ve finally figured things out concerning your gentleman?”
“Yes.” I jumped up and hugged her. “I understand things about myself so much better now.”
“Good.” Gretchen patted my back slowly. I remembered her unease of being touched for long and instantly pulled away. My warm gaze thanked her in ways I couldn’t show.
“You know what, Gretchen? I’m glad I’m not normal too.”
“This is quite a 180.” She looked at me sideways. “How much did you have to drink before coming here? I barely gave you enough to get you tipsy!”
I laughed out loud. “I don’t need alcohol! I’m drunk on knowledge!”
Gretchen squeezed my fingertips. “So tell me, are you going to be seeing me soon to tell me how happy you are? I want to hear that so I don’t worry!”
“I’ll be back before you know it, telling you all about how in love I am, how blissful each day is…I’ll be so sickeningly sweet you’ll be this close to smacking me upside the head for it.”
And I’d been in a state of ecstasy ever since.
The euphoria I had experienced at Gabriel’s penthouse and briefly in his office was with me all the time. Nothing bothered me anymore because I trusted myself. I didn’t let the threads in my mind form dizzying circles. I wasn’t afraid of the future, nor did I get worked up when I thought
of Gabriel and how I was going to fit in his life.
When traffic snarled, as it inevitably did, I didn’t stew in my seat and worry that I was going to be late as I usually did. I trusted I would get to work at the right time. Work deadlines didn’t have me furiously sprinting from task to task. I knew I’d never go over and miss them.
Everything would fall into place.
Gabriel came out of my closet with several dresses over his arm. “Emma, where’s your suitcase?”
“In the closet by the front door.”
He arched a brow. “Usually you answer my question with a question.”
“No. Not this time.” I crossed my arms behind my head, relaxed like a woman at complete ease in her surroundings. “You’ll tell me what I need to know when it’s time.”
Gabriel came closer. He carefully placed my clothes at the foot of the bed before approaching me. With one hand on my chin, Gabriel turned my head this way and that. “Who are you and what have you done with my Emma?”
I batted his hand. “What? Would you prefer me to argue over every little thing?” I asked with an impish grin. “Because I can do that for you.”
He tapped my nose once. In a voice dripping with haughty condensation, Gabriel sniffed, “That’s quite all right, my dear girl. I will inform you immediately if that changes.”
I stuck my tongue out.
Gabriel suddenly lunged forward and stuck his in my mouth, dominating me with every aggressively sweet stroke. My heartbeat sped up, ecstatic to finally have him with me. This was right. This was worth it.
Gabriel was more than worth the pain, doubt, and fear I had suffered since knowing him again.
I slid my hand under his shirt. The feeling of his taut muscles under my questing fingers urged me to press my body against his. I wanted to rip his clothes off. Apparently, Gabriel had the same idea—except for me.
My T-shirt and jeans immediately found a place on the floor. My lover easily turned me over onto my stomach. His hand skimmed across my underwear. I closed my eyes, fallen into bliss. All I wanted was Gabriel’s touch. Arching into his hand, I purred with exquisite pleasure.
“You didn’t bruise. I’m not sure if that pleases me or not.”
“Why?”
His lips kissed a sensitive spot above my hip. I shifted in growing excitement. “Because I wanted you to wear them as a reminder of me.”
The dark words thrilled. “If it makes you feel better, I’m still sore. I have to be careful not to sit down too hard.”
Gabriel tasted me before sinking his teeth into my flesh. “That makes me feel only a little better. Emma?”
“Yes?” I gasped, caught in the brilliant sting. I wanted him to do it again.
He kissed his way up my back and moved my hair off my shoulder. Gabriel’s lips branded me as his. “Do you remember what I promised to do when I got back?” he whispered against my ear.
“I do, but I need a little reminder.” A slow smile eased across my face, impish and deliberately innocent.
“Oh, you do?” Gabriel licked my earlobe. I couldn’t control the pleasure shudders running through my body. It’d been two days too long. Gabriel eased my panties down until they too ended up on the floor. I looked over my shoulder and watched as Gabriel kissed my naked bottom. “Is this a good reminder?” he asked in a throaty growl while concentrating on my rounded hip.
I stretched languorously and arched, playing coy. “I’m starting to remember.”
He laughed softly. “Just starting? That’s not good enough, baby.” Gripping my hips, he brushed his lips across the sensitive crease high on my thigh. I sighed raggedly and moaned his name. “We’re getting a little better, aren’t we?”
Incapable of speech, I nodded only to jerk when he nipped me in punishment. I briefly thought of reminding him we were in my space, but I couldn’t even begin to care enough when he did it again. “Emma…”
“We’re getting better!”
Gabriel kissed the tender spots as reward. “Good girl.”
I melted. I’d never tire of hearing I was Gabriel Gordon’s good girl. Gold star to the end, I craved his approval and would now do just about anything to get it.
“I know my good girl needs what I promised her.”
Just like that, Gabriel licked and sucked every inch of me. Lost in a rising tide of sensation, I fisted the comforter. I couldn’t seem to control my body’s movements as I writhed beneath him, each glide of his tongue making me more crazed.
Soon I felt his fingers slide between my thighs. I instantly spread my legs, mutely inviting him to touch me further. Two of Gabriel’s fingers slid home true. We both moaned at the sensation.
“Emma? Did you do as I asked?”
A wanton flush crept over me. I resisted the urge to let my hand travel down between my thighs as well. “Yes, Gabriel.”
“And what happened? Did you come?”
My eyes fluttered shut. I remembered the tide that wrapped me tight as I lied naked in Gabriel’s bed, fingers working with delicate frenzy as I imagined him watching me.
“No, I didn’t.”
“Not even once?”
I shook my head and whispered, “No.”
“Why?”
“Because you told me not to.”
He let out a deep, throaty chuckle. “And you always do everything you’re told to do?”
“Not always.”
Gabriel leaned forward and whispered in my ear. “Now I don’t believe that one bit. You’re such a good girl, Emma. Never able to let down or disappoint those that you love. Isn’t that right?”
I flushed with heat. “You’re wrong. I disappoint people I love all the time.” I turned on my side and reached out for him. Running the backs of my fingers along his jaw, I looked into his exquisite eyes and said, “I’m sorry for always running away from you, Gabriel. I was so scared for so long, but I’m not anymore.”
Gabriel’s smile melted me. It was the sun come to life, completely dissolving all my suffering, all my mistakes. I didn’t want to ever spend one more day, one more second, running away from how I felt about him.
“I love you, Gabriel. I love you more than you can ever know.”
He held my gaze while tears filled his. Unashamed. Beautiful.
“You make me so happy, Emma.”
Seeing the tears rolling down his face, I hugged him to me and swore my undying love. “I’ll never leave you again, Gabriel.”
“Promise?”
“Promise.” This time it was me kissing away his tears, holding him and stroking his hair while he rested his head on my breast. To think I walked away from Gabriel once before, to know I was heading towards doing it again because I couldn’t handle my own feelings when it came to him filled me with emptiness.
Gabriel kissed the space over my heart. His warm lips branded me as his. He then looked up at me and said, “Emma, I want to be inside of you.”
My heart flipped. “I want that too.”
No other words were needed as I helped him strip off his clothes and he took the rest of mine off as well. Our bodies fit perfectly, limbs sliding across one another with the familiarity of decades-old lovers. We kissed ravenously, nails scoring marks over scalp and shoulder. His teeth sank sweetly into my neck. I sobbed his name, breathlessly encouraging him to do it again.
My bedside drawer soon opened. I helped sheathe him, hand barely closing around his delicious girth before I laid back and invited Gabriel inside. With a slow steady slide, he filled me to full. I could barely remember my name but I never forgot to cry out his.
We made love thoroughly, completely. It was beautiful, sensual, and all the more moving because I truly felt connected to Gabriel in a way I’d never consciously allowed myself to become.
I can see forever with you. I know I’ll love you until my last day.
He pulled my leg up over his shoulder, exposing me to him completely. Gabriel’s fingers found my center and stroked it gently. I wasn’t going to last long a
t all. Breathless, I arched up and sobbed into his mouth.
“I want to come, Gabriel. Please, please let me come.”
His fingers weaved through my hair. He tugged sharp. Heat flared deep within my belly. I purred, finding the pain only enhanced my pleasure, and snapped my hips upwards when Gabriel did it again. His full lips curved. “Come, baby. Come for me…you’ve more than earned it.”
So I did. I clung to him as he drove deeper and harder into me. I dissolved, awash in ecstasy. Gabriel’s hands slid down and closed over my hips. He sighed his love for me with each thrust. We couldn’t stop kissing, sighing vulgar phrases as easily as we sighed “I love you.”
My legs closed high up on his back. I couldn’t get enough of Gabriel. Nothing that felt this good could ever be wrong. Lost in emotion, we became feral lovers—biting, licking, and tasting each other with abandon.
Without shame.
When the emotions became too intense we slowed down. Sprawled across his wide chest, I cupped his cheek and kissed him softly, sweetly. He played with my hair, twirling it around his fingers as I stroked his jaw.
“You’re my heart, baby. Do you know that?”
I pressed my lips against his for a long, lingering kiss. “You’re mine too.”
“How did I get so lucky, Emma?”
“Lucky? It wasn’t luck, Mr. Gordon.”
Gabriel smiled and moved my hair away from my face. “Not luck. Then what was it, Ms. Adams?”
“Destiny. Fate.” I swirled my hips, eliciting a deep groan from my love. “Raw sex appeal.”
He snapped his hips up hard. This time I groaned.
“Emma, I like your answers much better than mine. Can I show you how much I like them?”
“Absolutely.”
Gabriel’s fingers dug into my hips as we strained against each other once again. He rolled me onto my back, crouching over me as he delicately licked the curve of my breasts and then my nipples. The tease was divine. The capture was heavenly.
I clutched Gabriel to me. My hands curled in his golden mane. Passion possessed us. He slid back home and our kisses turned violent. There were no words, only sensation.
Bad for You (Mad, Bad, & Dangerous to Love) Page 15
