All Access (The Fangirl Series Book 1)

by Liberty Kontranowski

  He somehow bends far enough to wiggle his arm and shoulder alongside my hip, and he rests his head by my left boob. My free hand doesn’t even try to stop itself; it immediately races toward his head, where it fiddles with his hair, runs the backs of its fingers across his forehead, and even allows its thumb to trace the perimeter of his eyebrows. I hope he doesn’t hate this because I could go on like this forever.

  “You’re making progress, though, right?” I seriously can’t even imagine the pressure this poor guy must be feeling right now. Again, I feel a pang in my gut, worried that I’ve become a hindrance to his creative flow. I know how hard it is to get your groove. But I also know how awesome it is to run with it when you do hit your groove. That’s where I am right now. But obviously he’s not.

  “Some. Showers are always good for thinking. A few things came to me in there this morning.” He turns his head and nuzzles closer, if that’s even possible.

  “I’ve had some seriously incredible dialogue chunks come to me in the shower.” I laugh. “Many times, actually. I came up with some awesome one-liners for you, er, Nash in there, back in the day.” I lift my left elbow in an effort to playfully jab him, but all I do is make his head bounce.

  “I had a direction,” he says quietly. “For the whole album, kinda. But I can’t go there now. So I started from scratch.”

  I look down at him the best I can from my angle and see that he’s looking across the room. I can’t read the expression on his face, and he doesn’t give me time to follow up.

  “Why didn’t you get back in bed with me this morning, Kallie? Did my dirty secrets scare you away?”

  “Not at all, Niles,” I whisper.

  “Then why?”

  Unfiltered Kallie takes a deep breath. “The truth? It’s because I feel closer to you than ever right now . . . and I didn’t trust myself to give you the space you needed. So I left.”

  It’s quiet for a minute as I try to stay cool. Things got very real a couple hours ago and I realized that I need to strive for a place of respect, for us both. He wiggles around, then a big breath leaves his nostrils.

  “Do you know that what I told you this morning, I didn’t think I would ever tell another living soul, ever? Not ever.” I pull my hand out of his hair and instead run it up and down the arm that’s draped across me.

  “I know it was hard for you. And I thank you, again, for being so honest.”

  “You weren’t supposed to get to me like that, Kallie. I’m supposed to be in control here. But for whatever reason, with you, I lose it.” I can’t tell if he sounds sad or defeated or frustrated or surprised. But if he thinks he’s not in control—of himself, or even our relationship—I beg to differ.

  “Niles, please. As you well know, if it were up to me, we’d have done the horizontal tango long ago. I’d venture to say you still have plenty of control over this . . . whatever this is.”

  “That’s just one chunk of it, Kallie. I promised myself that after the whole Robbyn ordeal I would never lose my cool ever again. But guess who became a blobby mess this morning? My own mother doesn’t even know that shit, and you know from some of my lyrics and interviews how close I am to her.” He peeks up at me from his awkward angle. “How is it that you pulled it all out of me?”

  I shrug as though he can see me. He sounds so vulnerable, and in as many words, I suppose that’s exactly what he’s telling me. Does he get like this with all the girls he’s involved with? If he surrendered to Robbyn, and now he says he’s lost control with me? Jeez, maybe this is his M.O. I made Nash pretty vulnerable, too, but I always thought that was a character-reach and never imagined it’d be a real characteristic of Niles. Maybe I was more right than I knew.

  “Maybe it’s the girls I end up with or because I’ve become a spoiled brat rock star, but I’m pretty much used to calling the shots,” he continues, completely overturning my suspicions. “I stay guarded. Easier that way. Even with Robbyn, the only real personal side of me she ever saw was that bridge episode. I didn’t really share anything else.” He pauses and lets out another breath. “She would’ve ended the pregnancy for me, even though I know she wanted the baby. She would’ve done anything I asked her to, and that’s pretty much the way my relationships work. If you can even call them relationships.” He lifts his head again to look at me. “I’m not proud of that. It’s just kind of the way things always shake out.”

  He laces his fingers through mine and kisses my hand. “But I think you might not be like that. I feel like you would—you will—give me a run for my money. Challenge me a bit. Make me forget about myself, even just a little . . . for once.”

  I feel his warmth against me. I hear his voice and digest his words. I see his face smashed against my shirt. I feel his slender arm digging slightly into my rib cage and his fingers grasping mine for dear life. This is my celebrity crush . . . who has turned into my real-life crush. At this moment, I would throw a boulder off the top of a mountain for him. I’d bait a hook with live bees if that’s how he told me was the best way to fish. I’d eat venison jerky, which I despise, and read a book about paint drying if he wanted me to. I know exactly how Robbyn and all of his other girls must’ve felt.

  “I’m not so sure,” I say, pulling his hand up and resting it on my cheek. “You make me a whole lot like putty. Right now, I’d do just about anything for you, too.”

  “The thing is . . . for once, I feel exactly the same way.”

  I swear if my stomach squeezed any tighter I’d need smaller pants. I cannot believe I am hearing this. He is totally falling—or has fallen—for me. It’s not a one-sided fangirl fantasy anymore. At all. My big question has been answered. We’re truly becoming a thing.

  He lifts himself up and rests his weight on top of me. I study his face, just inches from mine. He is so beautiful, he melts my soul into a million tiny pools. I need him. He needs me. We need to figure this out. We need to be a “we.”

  “I’ll tell you what,” I say. “Since we’re both used to calling the shots, maybe this is our big chance to ease back. No one’s in control, no one’s the submissive. We’ll just take it easy and . . . challenge each other. One day at a time.”

  He squeezes his eyes shut, knitting his brows together so tightly that his forehead looks like sand ripples on the shore. “No promises, Kallie. I can’t promise you anything.”

  I want to tell him I know. Tell him I understand that he’s scared of screwing up again and hurting me and hurting himself and committing to something he doesn’t yet know he’s strong enough to commit to. But I don’t. Because, in truth, I have no idea where we’re going or, given all of our baggage, how we’re even going to get there. I’ve already gone way out of my comfort zone with him and know that pretty much anything is up for grabs right now. I’d be a fool to promise anything, too.

  So instead, I lean my head against his and say, “I don’t need any promises, Niles. I just need for us both to let go a little. And just be.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

  For Realz, Yo!

  “Sara, holy shit!” Within seven seconds (well, give or take) of Niles leaving the apartment, my phone is already glued to my ear. I settle in, anxious to bend my best friend’s ear—and what a bending it will be.

  “Kallie, for real! Can you not take eight seconds to shoot me a quick text to let me know you’re alive? Jesus, I’ve been worried sick.”

  “I’m fine. We’ve been super busy.”

  “Oh, I bet you’ve been busy.” This statement is laced with such innuendo I can pretty much hear her winking right through the phone. I am seriously not going there with her right now. I have a much bigger fish to fry.

  “Sara, what am I going to do?” Yeah, my voice may have just morphed into a little-kid whine, but I don’t care. This is some serious shiz.

  “What are you going to do about what? What’s wrong?”

  I suck in a breath and let ‘er rip. “I am in love with him, Sar. I am really, truly, seriously, completely i
n love with him. Holy crap. This is insane.” I bounce up off the couch and pace the floor. I have so much energy right now, I could single-handedly tackle the offensive line of any football team on the planet.

  “Easy, killer,” she says. “Fucking someone does not mean you’re in love with them. What are you, a teenager? Relax a little and take it for what it is, okay?”

  “Sara, I’m not kidding. Things are getting real up in here. We are in a very serious place. We’ve had some big old conversations in the last couple days and we are really and truly becoming a thing. This is not what I expected. In my wildest freakin’ dreams, maybe, but surely not for real.”

  “Okay,” she sighs, “I’ll bite. What is it that’s got you so bent? He’s a great piece of ass, I get it. He’s a rock star, I get it. He’s everything you dreamed of and more, I get it. But that doesn’t mean you’re in love with him. You’re infatuated. Dr. Phil says so. Don’t you ever watch that show? Dr. Phil freaking knows, Kallie.”

  “Dr. Phil would keel the fuck over if he saw what was going on over here.” I stop myself because as much as I want to tell Sara absolutely everything, I refuse to betray Niles’s trust. If he never even told his mother about what went down with Robbyn, I surely have no right telling my best friend.

  “Such as?”

  “Let’s just say we’ve had some very deep convos. He’s told me stuff and I’ve told him stuff. We’ve bonded in huge ways, and no, we have not had sex. And I am not lying, so you can save your breath and stop calling me a liar before you even start.”

  “You have not had sex yet, you say? Mmm-kay. Well, you know what I say to that?”

  “No, Sara, what?” I sigh.

  “You. Are. Such. A. Liar.”

  “Ugh, you just couldn’t help yourself, could you?”

  “Kallie, please. I may not be the most astute person on the planet, but I was not born last week. There is no freaking way you two have been alone together as much as you have without sealing the deal. There’s no way. Especially since you’ve wanted to jump his bones since before you even put pen to paper. Are you two zombies and forgot to tell me or something?”

  “We’re just not going there yet. It’s a calculated decision. It’ll happen in time, God willing, but just not yet.”

  “A calculated decision, hey? Sounds a little scientific for my tastes. Have you at least kissed again? Or is that off limits, too?”

  “That is most certainly not off limits. We do plenty of that, believe me.” Sara breathes a relieved sigh, which is both ridiculous and amusing. She’s over there caring so much about my impending roll in the hay, while I’m over here struggling with the fact that even though I swore off men after the divorce, and even though I knew I wanted to fall in love with Niles but never, ever, ever thought it would happen, I am now really truly in love with him and it feels so very amazing and crazy and messed up all at once.

  “Sara, please, let’s focus. This is not about sex. This is much bigger. And I’m being serious here. This is a big deal to me, you know?”

  “Okay, yes, I get it. You think you’re in love with him. So, what’s the problem? Does he dig you, too?”

  “After our chat just now, I would say that is a big, old, massively-fat yes.”

  “Really?!” Sara squeals this, as though she’s totally shocked. I suppose I would be shocked, too, if she called me from some rock star’s apartment and told me that he was in love with her.

  “Obviously, neither of us will go near the L-word with a ten-foot pole at this point, but it’s clear this is much more than a little fangirl fun. I seriously can’t believe it.”

  “So . . . if that’s what you wanted, why are you freaking out?”

  “Because that’s what I wanted in my dream world. How the hell am I going to deal with this in real life?”

  “Well, that’s a good question. Because when you get home, you’ve got some problems waiting for you on your doorstep. Fair warning, honey. I’m sorry.” It’s hard not to notice that her voice made a major transition from jovial to oh-shit.

  “Wait, what? What happened?”

  “What hasn’t happened?” She sighs, making it painfully obvious she’s about to bust my happy little bubble into zillions of jagged fragments. “People around here are talking. Don’t be surprised if the media starts reaching out. Surprised they haven’t already, actually.”

  I’ve thought about this a lot since I revealed Katherine’s bean-spilling incident to Niles last night. And the reality of it is, I am a no one. And Niles isn’t exactly Brad Pitt. Nobody is going to give a shit whether we’re seeing each other or not. I tell this to Sara.

  “Oh, people care, Kallie. The local news will be all over this. Think about it. Hometown-girl-turned-author making her dream into a reality by taking up with the celebrity she wrote her book about? That’s huge. I know they can’t prove that Niles is the guy who inspired Nash, but between your pal Katherine’s big mouth and the rest of the world’s assumptions, that’s kind of an accepted theory right now.”

  I exhale. Journalism 101 says that if a local news station’s story is juicy enough, larger markets pick it up. If it’s a slow news day, Niles and I might look a lot more interesting than a giant rare squash or a cat with twelve toes. This is not good.

  “Okay, what else?”

  “Brad is livid, of course. Even halfway across the country, he’s totally clued in, Kal. He’s a mess. He’s pissed, he’s sad, he feels betrayed, he’s annoyed that you’re flying all over the country to be with Niles, when you barely talk to your girls. This is what he said, not me.”

  “I know. He texted me.” As soon as I say this, a thought snaps in my head. “Wait. You talked to him? Again?”

  “A couple times.”

  “A couple times? Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “You never called!”

  “Sara, when shit like this goes down, leave me a fucking voicemail. That’s what they’re for!” I nearly drop the phone when I throw my head back. I can’t believe she didn’t call to fill me in.

  “I didn’t want to ruin your experience, Kal. I mean, it’s not like this is going to last or anything. So I figured I’d let you enjoy it while you can.”

  Her words hit me like a WWE star took a table to my head. Not going to last? Who says it’s not going to last? Did she not just hear me say I’m in love with him? So, what does that mean to her? That I’m going to pack up and fly home on Monday and this will all be over? It won’t be. He’s into me, too. A few weeks ago, I may have agreed with her. But as of now, I know this is far from over—this is just the beginning.

  “I can handle all that.”

  Of course, I’m not sure how much I believe the very words I just said. When Niles and I are together, the rest of my life, except for my writing, falls away. I’m in another dimension and, admittedly, my at-home reality isn’t really part of that. Once the whole world knows what’s going on, that separation will disappear.

  Being in love with a rock star is proving to be very hard work.

  “Yeah? You can handle the media? And a pissed-off Brad? And your girls who miss you? And your best friend who does, too? You can handle that while you’re wrestling with thoughts of being in love with some celebrity that’s showing you a little attention back?” She says “in love” in such a completely mocking voice, my stomach lurches with hurt. “Well, more power to ya, girl. You’ve got bigger britches than me.”

  I’m stunned. I’ve stopped pacing and plop back on the couch where I started. I can hardly catch my breath. It sounds an awful lot like my friend is challenging me. And not in a good way.

  “Sara, what the . . . ?”

  “You have lost hold of reality, Kallie,” she snaps. “You’re caught up in a dream world that is fine and dandy on paper, but is not going to transfer well into real life. Have you forgotten that you have two children? I mean, I’m no saint and I sometimes count down the minutes until Ben gets the kids for the week or weekend, but I still always put them first
.”

  “You were just squeeing with me.”

  “I squeed with you when I thought you were under the same impression normal people would be. That this is a temporary summer romance with all the trimmings. An innocent notch on your bedpost, and a brag-worthy one at that. But now you’re talking about love and it sounds like you have the two of you walking down the freaking aisle. That seems a little out of touch.”

  I’m so glad when she pauses; I don’t want to hear much more.

  “Niles is a rock star, Kallie. He doesn’t have a normal job or a normal life or a normal anything. How, seriously, do you see that fitting into your future? I mean, really?”

  “I don’t know yet. But I do know I’m not stopping something before it starts.”

  “Okay, well, that’s fine. You called me wondering what to do and how your new love for Niles would fit into your life. You had the same doubts I’m putting out to you right now. So why am I the bad guy?”

  “Because you’re telling me all the reasons it won’t work. When what I wanted you to tell me is how it would and should and could work. I wanted you to be excited for me, and instead you’re essentially calling me a fool. Fuck that, we’ll chat later.”

  As my finger hovers over the End Call button, I hear her yell my name.

  “Yeah?” I huff.

  “Kallie, I’m sorry. I just don’t want you to end up a crumpled heap on his floor someday. And I really don’t want you to lose yourself in the process.”

  “I’m not going to lose myself, Sara. And I know it’s hard to believe, and it sounds outrageous, but Niles truly cares for me. I don’t know what’s going to happen or how, but I was hoping for your support.”

  Aside from a few deep breaths, Sara’s quiet. “Kal, I love you,” she finally says. “And I’m glad you’re getting to experience this. Everyone should have at least one dream come true, and yours is a biggie. I just wish you wouldn’t have let it get so deep. Your life is here. And you have a whole shitstorm waiting for you when you get back. That’s all.”

  “I get it. But you don’t see what I see with him. I guess if it all falls apart at the end of the summer, you win. But from where I’m standing, that’s not going to happen. And I’ll figure out whatever needs to get figured out. I hope you’re with me when I do, but if not, I understand.”