by Margaret Kay
“I switched our comms to private,” Cooper said as he sat beside her, so close that his leg was pressed against hers. “Are you okay, Miller?” He handed her a water bottle.
“You got anything stronger than this? Like maybe a flask?” Madison flashed him a weary smile. Then she unscrewed the cap and downed a healthy gulp. “It never is easy when there are kids involved, and those fucking scumbags,” she paused and blew out a long breath. “I would have killed them both if you hadn’t pulled me off.”
Cooper’s eyes invaded hers. “I know. For about a half a second, I thought about letting that happen. They deserved the beatdown you were giving them and more.”
“What we have on them is good enough to stick, isn’t it?”
Cooper nodded. “We got it all on surveillance. Neither will even get bail.”
“Thank God for that.” She drank another sip of the water.
Cooper’s gaze held hers, waiting. There was a lot more on her mind, he could tell. The mission had been successful. For some reason though, he suspected she did not think so, much like her mission in Iraq, Operation Sandstorm. She was somewhat unreadable to Cooper, which pissed him off. Hopefully, Lassiter would get it out of her. A team member with different measures of success was not acceptable. From what he’d seen of her, she held herself and her own performance to unattainable levels. Not good.
“You did good,” Cooper said. “We saved that little girl and got the bad guys. And we figured out exactly what happened to Molly Corbin, our mission.”
She nodded. “Yes, I know we did.”
Before Cooper could say any more, the chopper sat down beside the Lear. Madison shot to her feet and attempted to step past him. He grabbed hold of her bicep, halting her. Her eyes flashed to his, and he saw tears in them.
“Madison talk to me.”
She shook her head, her lips drawn into a tight line. “Nothing to talk about, boss. We did a good job, completed our mission, just like you said. I’m just tired, hoping to sack out on the plane ride back to HQ.”
Her eyes flickered to his hand which gripped her arm and then back to his. He released her and let her pass. He wanted to push her against the fuselage and hold her there until she opened up. Hell, he wanted to hold her there and kiss her, hold her with his body pressed against hers so he could feel every incredible inch of her.
He shook it off and forced those thoughts from his head, gathered his gear, and followed the others from the chopper. By the time he entered the Lear, Madison had taken the chair farthest back in the cabin. She had the seat reclined, her eyes fixed out the window.
Cooper’s eyes locked onto Jackson’s, who was about to take the seat beside her. He gave the faintest shake of his head, warning Jackson to move away, a signal Jackson heeded immediately.
Cooper dropped into the seat beside her and also reclined it. She didn’t look his way. She closed her eyes immediately and within minutes appeared to relax into slumber. He watched her the entire flight, sleep not coming with his mind so active.
The Lear touched down at Chicago Executive Airport in Wheeling. Madison came awake from the less than smooth landing. Fall winds were blowing a steady fifteen knots with occasional gusts to thirty. Her eyes met Cooper’s as she brought her seat up. She didn’t feel rested in the least. She couldn’t wait to get home to her own bed.
Cooper’s phone buzzed as he turned it on. Lassiter was waiting for the team at HQ. He tapped out a reply. “Rough Op. Meet with Madison first then Doc.”
Lassiter’s reply displayed immediately. “Afirm.”
They transferred their gear to the awaiting SUV and drove in silence directly to the Shepherd Security building. After the tactical gear and weapons were stowed in the subbasement lockers, they all piled into the elevator. Cooper hit four.
“Madison, you’re up with Lassiter first. Doc, keep yourself available. He’ll meet with you after.”
Doc nodded.
So much for going right home, Madison thought. Hopefully it wouldn’t take too long. She and Doc got off at four. Lassiter was waiting for her. He ushered her into the kitchen. He already had a cup of coffee. She made one for herself, this time she chose the dainty, flowered coffee cup.
“Cooper messaged me that it was a rough case. I got the prelim from Ops. Child pornography, huh?”
“Yes.”
Lassiter waited. She said nothing more. She was closed up tight. The expression on her face screamed ‘leave me alone’. “How close did you get to the Bodean woman?”
“Not very. I was leery of all the adults there, knew that whatever happened to Molly Corbin had to be at the hands of one of the adults.”
“So, no issues?”
Madison shook her head no.
“Come on Madison! Why did they drag me out of bed at this hour if you have nothing to talk about?”
“Look, Doctor Lassiter, I’m tired. Can’t we do this tomorrow?”
“We’ll do this tomorrow too, but right now, you’ve got to give me something.”
“I lost it tonight, okay? I would have killed the two scumbags who were using those kids. Sexual exploitation, I never saw that one coming. Cooper will tell you. He had to pull me off. I’ve never hit someone in anger like that, wanted to pummel the shit out of them both. I blew it, okay?”
Lassiter sat back and slowly clapped his hands. “Congratulations, you’re human.”
Tears welled up in Madison’s eyes. He saw them but didn’t comment. He gave her time, waited her out. She sipped her coffee and stared out the window at the lights of the empty mall parking lot. She patted her eyes, swiping away the few drops that escaped her resolve to keep them back. Crying never failed to piss her off.
“That’s not human, wanting to kill someone like that. And it sure as hell isn’t acting like a professional in this job. I’m not suited to the field. They fucked up hiring me for this.”
Lassiter laughed out loud. “Don’t tell Shepherd that. He doesn’t fuck up and won’t take kindly to you telling him he did.”
Madison cracked a smile. “I’m telling you, not him. Or is that one in the same?”
“I don’t disclose what my patients tell me. I render an opinion on your fitness to continue duty to Shepherd, but there are never particulars discussed. He trusts me to solely know the details.”
Lassiter sounded neither offended nor angry at her inference in his reply.
“Then maybe you should be the one out in the field.”
“Nah, I would have killed them both. Cooper couldn’t have stopped me. Those pieces of shit would have deserved it and it would have saved the legal system the bill of a trial and the taxpayers the cost of housing them in jail the rest of their lives.”
Now Madison laughed out loud.
“Anger is just an emotion, Madison, a human emotion. Emotions need to be dealt with to do this job, but I personally would never clear anyone to be in the field who didn’t have them. It’s safe in here to talk about them, to show your vulnerability. Emotions won’t keep you from work but burying them or denying them will.”
Madison nodded her head in agreement and then finished her cup of coffee. Her stare at him clearly asked if they were through. It was obvious that she was. She looked exhausted.
“I’ll have someone drive you home. You look beat.”
“I’m fine to drive but thank you.” Madison gave a faint smile. “And thank you for being here. You have given me a lot to think about.”
Joe Lassiter nodded. “I want you to have two full days away from here, but I want to talk with you more tomorrow. I’ll come to your house.”
Madison was surprised, but she nodded yes. “Two days off?”
“It’s not a suspension or anything. It’s just a couple days off. I know Cooper wants to give you some more training before the next Op, and that one could go a few weeks. Take the time and say thank you.”
Madison forced a small smile, all she was capable of. It might not be a suspension, but it sure felt like one. “Thank
you.”
She came to her feet and stepped towards the door. Lassiter came in front of her and laid a hand to her shoulder. “Sleep in tomorrow and enjoy being home. Thanks to you that little girl you saved tonight can do the same.”
Doc grabbed a plain black coffee mug from the cabinet, his usual, and made himself a cup. He joined Lassiter at the table who had a full cup as well. Doc was tired. He just wanted to get through this and get home to his bed. He’d been on the team long enough to know the drill and was probably the team member who most clearly understood why this protocol was in place. He’d killed a man tonight, taken another human life, yet again. No matter how justified it was, taking a life fucked with a person’s psyche. It ate away at some men’s souls. Luckily for Doc, it didn’t affect him that way.
Doc took a sip of the hot, black liquid. “How was Madison?”
Lassiter chuckled. “She’s tough, needs to figure out how to be a member of this team though. She needs to see vulnerability in the rest of you to feel safe to show it in herself. It’s harder on women to do that than a man, I think. Speaking of vulnerability, how are you doing?”
Doc shook his head. “One less pedophile-bastard that wants to rape little girls is burning in hell. I feel pretty damn good about that.” He took another long drink of his coffee.
“And the little girl?”
“That was rough. I had to sedate her. She was hysterical, wouldn’t have trusted me no matter what. And she didn’t need to see anything that would scar her further. I just wish we had been there to save Molly too.”
“You know better than anyone, we can’t save them all.”
Doc ran his fingers through his short-clipped hair. “Yeah. It’s just fucked up. A parent sends their child to what is supposed to be an excellent school, to a place their child is supposed to be safe, and they weren’t.”
Lassiter nodded. “I’d kill anyone that fucks with my kids.”
“I’d help you.” Doc flashed him a weary grin.
“What are your plans the next few days?”
“I guess that’s your way to tell me I’m on a couple day leave, huh?”
Joe Lassiter nodded. “I’m going to Madison’s house tomorrow midafternoon. I’ll swing by your place after, around four. Take two days off, consider it a weekend. Decompress and remember what your life is, outside of work.”
“I’m not sure there is a life outside of the team,” Doc countered.
“If that is true, that would be a problem. If memory serves me correctly,” Lassiter began.
“When hasn’t it?” Doc challenged with a smile.
Lassiter’s lips also tipped in a grin. “You like to fish. Find yourself a stream and take in the calm of the flowing water. But if you catch anything good, I’ll expect you at my place around six with it cleaned. Nichole won’t chop the head off or fillet it. That’s on you.”
Doc laughed. It sounded as weary as he felt. “Deal.” He came to his feet.
Madison went directly to Cooper’s office when she was done with Lassiter. Cooper sat at his desk typing on the keyboard of his laptop. He was filing his mission report.
“Hey,” Madison said from the open doorway.
Cooper stopped typing, looked up from his laptop and motioned her in. “How’d it go with Lassiter?”
Madison crossed the room and took a seat in one of the guest chairs across the desk from Cooper. “Good, I think. Doc is in with him now. Lassiter will tell you, but I wanted to as well, he told me to take two days off. So, I guess I won’t be back in the office until Thursday.”
“You could take a couple more days, if you want to.”
“No, I know the next case is pressing. I’ll take some more time after that one, if that’s okay.”
“Sure.” He nodded. “You look tired. Are you good to drive?”
Madison laughed. Him too? “Yeah, they do say tired driving is more dangerous than drunk driving.”
Cooper’s probing eyes studied her. “Well, are you okay to drive?”
She wondered if both he and Joe Lassiter asked because she was a woman. “I am, no worries. Are you?”
Cooper pointed to his couch.
She came to her feet and stepped towards the door.
“I need your mission report filed by noon tomorrow. Garcia got you set up to remote in from home, didn’t he?”
“Yes, I’m good. I could file it tonight before I go if you need me to.”
“Not necessary. By noon tomorrow is good enough.”
She nodded and turned back to the doorway.
“Madison, if you believe it or not, you did a great job on this Op. Get some rest and I’ll see you Thursday.”
She nodded and disappeared out the door. Minutes later she had settled into the front seat of her car and then pulled out of the parking garage. She rolled the windows all the way down and let the cool, fall wind whip through the car to keep her awake. She was dead tired.
A short time later, Lassiter summoned Cooper to his office. Cooper led Lassiter into the kitchenette. He reached into the cabinet and grabbed the first cup his hand landed on. He never looked at them. Then he grabbed a decaf K-Cup and made himself a cup. He still had hopes of a couple of hours of shut-eye. When the Keurig was done doing its thing, he sat his cup on the table.
“Can I make you one?”
Lassiter frowned. “No, I’m coffee’d out, had four cups already. I sent Jackson and Garcia home, will meet with them tomorrow morning sometime.”
“You could have seen me tomorrow too.”
“Garcia said you were worried about Madison after the Op was completed.”
And that made Lassiter want to meet with him immediately? He was Madison’s SO. Being worried was his job. But he knew what was expected, so he talked. “Yeah, she closed up tight. I don’t think she saw the mission as successful. She slept all the way back.”
“That’s not unusual.”
“On the chopper, I switched our comms to private to talk with her about what went down, thought she’d feel safe enough to unload. She didn’t. Had it been any of the other guys I would have pushed harder. I’ll admit I don’t know what to do with her.”
“You can do anything you could, to one of the guys. She is a member of the team you know.” Lassiter considered Cooper and his silence. “Just don’t kiss her.”
“What?”
“You heard me,” Lassiter’s stare was unblinking. “Don’t even try to bullshit me Coop. We’ve known each other far too long.”
“I would never cross that line,” Cooper defended.
Lassiter’s lips curved into a grin. “But you’ve thought about it.”
“Not specifically thought about it, but I will admit Madison is attractive, both physically and intellectually. She’s good and could be a strong member of the team.”
Lassiter laughed. “Let’s back up to she’s attractive.”
Cooper chuckled. “Okay, yeah. She’s attractive. A man would have to be fucking castrated not to notice. But A, she’s on the team and B, I’m her SO, so there’s no way in hell.”
Lassiter nodded mockingly. The grin on his face was telling. “So, you’re sitting next to her in a private conversation and she’s quiet and withdrawn, sulking almost? And you don’t think for even a second about giving her a hug or some other form of physical reassurance?”
Cooper shook his head no. “I sure as shit wouldn’t hug Garcia or Jackson. Why the fuck would I hug Miller?”
“Because it’s not unusual to embrace a teammate in support. But when you think about it in relation to Madison, you think of it in romantic or sexual terms. And that’s the first time I’ve ever heard you call her Miller and not Madison.”
Cooper grabbed his face with both hands. “Oh fuck!”
“Yeah,” Lassiter grunted. “Look, I’m going to tell you what I told Doc. She needs to see vulnerability in the rest of you to feel safe to exhibit it herself, especially with you, her SO. It’s harder on a woman. They’re used to having to be bet
ter, stronger, tougher than a man to compete in his world. You can’t tell her it’s safe to open up to you. You have to show her.”
“So, what? I’m supposed to whine like a pussy?”
Lassiter laughed. “No, and don’t show any emotions that aren’t genuine, but Jesus, Coop, show her any emotion. We’ve talked about this before. Showing you’re human with your team will not make them think less of you. If anything, it will help to take the stress from them and show it’s safe for them too.”
